The Lust for Power

TTake the Pain Away
MLP: FiM
Romance
Dark
Adventure
When Lightning Dust is saved by a complete stranger, she thought she saw the last of him. But when she feels that somepony is following her, she'll have to spend more time with him than she wants. And maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Gore
Sex
Alt. Universe
Rainbow Dash
Derpy
OC
Doctor Whooves
Lightning Dust
All of the Above · 13k words · 13 2 · 596 views

Arkane Vander was always pushed around as a child. He was never respected, nor loved by his parents. Why would they? They keep telling him that he is nothing more than a dreck, that he served no purpose. And after being told that for years, he's begun to believe it himself.

The only thing he really wants is the power to make his parents regret what they've said to him and what they have done to him. The power matched by none.

But is it really what he wants?
=================
(I realize that this isn't the best description)
I don't care if you love or hate this story, so feel free to point out every mistake you see.
Written for the OC Roleplay origin writing contest.

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1 · 20th Oct 2013 · 1,603 words
1,603
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 2 · 1st Aug 2014 · 3,408 words
3,408
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 3 · 31st Aug 2014 · 3,677 words
3,677
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 4 · 10th Nov 2014 · 1,317 words
1,317
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 5 · 21st Apr 2015 · 3,867 words
3,867
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

All of the Above

All of the Above #1 · Oct 21st, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

3375894
You just wait.

Doom Trot

Doom Trot #2 · Oct 22nd, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I don't care if you love or hate this story, so feel free to point out every mistake you see.

Ooh boy! You've literally given me an invitation!

Probably a cliche setting, with a character that we're supposed to feel sorry for. Enjoy.

Okay, I'll go easy on you for that concession.

*ahem*

A few technical things first.

It was my father, yelling in my ear and shaking me awake. What he says next is very hard to understand. He possibly had something in his mouth. “Get... stupid piece of...”

The tense for the second sentence is inconsistent.

As left as quick as he arrived. It did not look like it was even light out. Falling out of my bed and landing on my hooves (Which were hurting, for some odd reason. I guess I was sleeping on them funny.), I peeked outside the window.

Double check your first sentence. Possibly revise how the sentences in parentheses fit in the sentence and if those parentheses are necessary at all.

The perks of living outside of Canterlot is the view. My house is positioned in a way so that I can always see the sun come over the collossal mountain that always casts its shadow over us in the morning. Until the time comes when the sun climbs to the top of the mountain, and peeks its head just to say hello. Then it's there for the rest of the day, until it goes back to its constant cycle. And that is what I just saw.

Consider an appendage such as, "One of" at the beginning of sentence one. "Collossal" is spelled incorrectly in sentence two. Though it may not be necessary, consider how you might conjoin sentences two and three, or possibly a revision of sentence three.

Waking up this early means I have to get ready quickly, and run towards Celestias palace.

There needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere.

"Did you not hear me? Get up!" my dad barks. "And make your bed, Arkane." He slams the door shut.

Check your tense.

I finish making my bed, and I walk out of my room. The hallway was illuminated by dozens of candles. Shadows of their flame danced on the walls, making it look like a ghost dance party. I shake my head. 'Arkane, you get distracted too easily. You have to get to breakfast then get to school. It'll all be okay once I'm there.'

Check the tense for sentences one and four.

I can see my mother in the kitchen, making some breakfast. I don't know how she knew I was coming down the hallway, but she shouted at me. "Hurry up."

Check the tense for sentence one. You may also want to change sentence two from an independent sentence to a speech tag.

My mother has a dandelion colored coat and a dark brown mane. My mother never bothers to comb it, because she hardly leaves the house. She bums around until dad gets home from his job that he never talks about. The tips of my mothers gair was singed, burnt off. She smoked a lot.

This might sound nit-picky, but you ought to bridge "dandelion" and "colored" with a dash. In sentence four, I don't think "gair" was the word you were looking for. Also in sentence four: "singed, burnt off" is repetitive. You may consider revising sentence five, or deleting it, or painting it blue. Do what you want with sentence five, there's nothing technically wrong with it.

Taking the first few steps into the kitchen, the scent of cigarette smoke hits me in the face. I used my magic to grab a scarf from the table, when my dad shouts at me. He's sitting at the table, drinking something. "Your legs aren't broken, so get it without using your stupid magic." He tells me. "Put it back on the rack."

Check your tense. Change sentence five to a speech tag in conjunction with the preceding dialogue, or remove it entirely.

The scarf was already wrapped around me, so it was pointless to do it. I was about to take a step to the door, but he stood up, spilling his drink. He examines the spill and turns his head to me. "You made me... spill my milk," I'm greeted with his cup to my head. It wasn't a very hard hit, but it hurt nonetheless. I'll have a terrible headache for the rest of the day. "Put it on the rack. Now!"

Check your tenses on sentences three, five, and seven. Change the first line of dialogue to an independent sentence, or add the appropriate speech tag.

I take the scarf of me, hold the rack in my hooves like I would be holding a spear, and set the scarf on the hook. Then I took it off the hook and set the rack straight. 'This is pointless.' I thought to myself.

Check your tense for sentence one, as well put the word "off" in there (I'm sure you can figure out where). Also check your punctuation on sentence three.

I here him say something underneath his breath. "Dreck."

Tenses. Tenses. Tenses.

I just want to get out of this place. I'll grab an apple and eat it on the way. Which is what I do. I walk outside the door, with my mother shouting at me to shut the door quickly. Just to make her angry, I leave the door open and bolt it. I'm far enough ahead so that they can't see me and they can't catch me.

Tenses tenses tenses.

I look up at the sky, looking for a part of the sky which was still dark, where the sun hasn't gotten to it yet. There's a very small part that is over my home. That has a dimly lit star.

Tensestensestenses.

To me, it was the greatest thing I've ever seen. A single tear falls to the ground, hitting the dirt below me. I sit on my haunches, and say the thing which I've always want to say. "I wish... for power. Power that will make me strong enough to crush all of those in my way, power that beats that of Celestias. I deserve the power. I deserve it."

Sentence two. Tense. Sentence three. Tense. Also, a certain princess in this paragraph owns something but isn't given the proper punctuation.

A smile creeps along my face. "I can't wait to watch that house burn to the ground. I can't wait until the day I step on the ashes ofthat house. Hay, I'll even spit on the burnt corpses of my parents. I will destory that place."

Sentence (tenses) one. For sentence three, separate "ofthat" into "of" and "that". On sentence five, "destory" is spelled incorrectly.

I turn around and run towards the palace. I know that the wish will never happen, but it's nice to have done that. And who knows, maybe it will happen.

The tenses intensify.

</technical editing>

Alright, after all that, I have a few quick notes on some issues I had with the story itself.

1. I find it peculiar that abusive parents would pay a lot of money to put their child in a gifted school just for the sake of keeping him out of the house and out of their sight for as long as possible during the day. After all, you could just as easily preoccupy him with a job, be that house work or employment elsewhere.

2. Arkane is expected to make the commute alone, on hoof, to school. It was stated that Arkane wasn't allowed to go (or even see) out at night for fear that he would run away, yet his parents expect him to go from home to school and back, with no escort whatsoever, and return every night.

3. My smallest concern. Mentioning Arkane's sister (or even his brother) before either of them become relevant to the plot. There's nothing wrong with it, especially if the two of them gain significance later on. Just thought I'd point out the red stitch in this blue blanket.

</critical editing>

On the whole, I like the story. Although you have to be careful with the premise you've chosen. There's a lot of potential in the abusive parents origin, though that potential is easily squandered. Give the plot a good deal of thought before you continue. I'm sure the end result will be magnificent.

~Your (unusually) dedicated friend,
Doom Trot