Red Wood was a crafts pony from a small village, but his simple life came to a sudden end when he died....but he got better...but with a new tenant sharing his body with him. An alien from a different world, sent here as a trail blazer. The Alien left his body behind and needs to share Red Wood's.
This would have been complex enough, but there was an old evil cult that knew about the alien and wanted his knowledge and science for themselves. And to at least one critical sense, they got what they wanted, a way to use the Alien mind uploading technology to rapidly take over the minds of innocent ponies, when they're must vulnerable during acts of intimacy, forced or not.
Now its a war where ponies on both sides are former friends and allies.
(Note: Marked 'Sex' due to frank mature events, but not a Clop fic, and marked 'Gore' but violent scenes are infrequent and quick)
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Capitalize your title, that's the second thing that a person sees when they look at your story. If it's not properly written then you're already letting people down.
And speaking of things that people see, your cover art is the first. When it comes to cover art, never use a ponycreator image. No one likes them as they're uncreative and lazily easy to make. Either go without or if you aren't the artsy fartsy type, there's a group that can help you out: Art for Fanfiction.
Shorten it WAY down, dude. The description should be a short summary of what the story's going to be about, not a massive wall of text telling us everything from A to Z. For example:
Short, simple, and without all that other bullshit that belongs in the story. If you choose not to go down this path, then there's some errors in the description that need to be fixed. MS Word should do the trick.
Now, onto the story...
Don't change tense right in the middle of nowhere like this. You were writing in past tense before, so don't just make the random change like this. Additionally, it's about this time that I'm starting to tire of the relentless amount of telling vs. showing going on. Certainly you're creating a new town and that needs to be explained, but try to do it in a more interesting way. Do it through things like dialogue and spread it out as the story progresses instead of just dropping it all on us now.
Pinkie breaking the fourth wall stopped being clever ages ago. It adds nothing to the story so remove it.
As is, all this stuff is written in a very telling manner. Instead, take a step back and bring us into the moment, show us this stuff as it progresses in the story, not in an overly-telling way like here. This has great potential for an interesting story, it's just been poorly executed.
Here:
~Editors
~Proofreaders
So yeah.
Interesting idea, poorly executed. Shorten the description, get a new image (or go without because anything's better than a ponycreator image), get some good editors, put the story on password only, fix it, and open it back up to the public. Do this and you'll end up with a far better story.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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3334282
Thanks, though if you know any pre readers who have the time, please forward them to me. Until I have some, I'll just mould along best I can.
3336407 I gave you two links, go to one of those groups and get one. It's easy, just read the group description to see what you need to do.
Noting happens
3588060
Oh you nihilist you!
Ok. Going to finish the chapter but this is a good example of your grammatical... problems in total.
This should read more or less:
A good amount of minor misspelling, incomplete or awkward sounding phrases (these could be saved with the right amount of care) and a dash of odd seeming spacing.... Not everywhere but almost every other paragraph..... This is pretty distracting from the story itself.
3615957
Thank's that the reason for a call for a proof reader.
Well this was boring.
3953628
I dunno, I like it so far...
Noice. The Doctor is really changing the game.
Haha! I see what you did there.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kx6Vm72gMC0]
That Red Wood's side of the conversation was overheard by Suspicious McGuard.
You dun goof'd.
She.
5098575
Thanks! Fixing it.
3334087 When I read this I immediately thought of:
You may want to consider adding the 'Dark' tag.
heh
where is Banyan
Is she gonna finally meet her son
This story is good but a bit to dark for my tastes.
But she only did it because she hadn't seen her son until now
Meeehhhh. I guess I'll keep reading. Its not bad but some grammar is terrible and you're using some words wrong but it's interesting I guess so...