Octy and Scratch: The Powdered Rail

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Assigned as detectives in a darker, alternate reality of Seaddle, Octavia and Vinyl Scratch delve into the shady community that squirms beneath the city streets. With a mysterious murder of unknown cause as their only clue, Octy and Scratch must find out who killed this poor business pony, and why, before the one scheming behind the scenes decides to enact whatever foul plan he has concocted for the city.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Dead Lock

Dead Lock #1 · Oct 8th, 2013 · · ·

Good story! Me like!

Croswynd

Croswynd #2 · Oct 8th, 2013 · · ·

This was an interesting story.

On one hand, it's an alternate reality story about Vinyl and Octavia. As a result, there's a bit of disconnect between the ones we know from the show and the ones we see here. Luckily for you, they really only have fandom to rely on for characterization and stuff. Who's to say they wouldn't be able to do this?

On the other hand, this story almost feels like it's not a... pony story, if that makes sense? I mean, sure, you have the names and the characterization down between V and O, but I dunno. There's something that doesn't feel right. Choosing Seaddle, one we haven't seen in the show or canon, was a good choice with this in mind, and it feels... believable to a point because of that.

But I can forgive it, since it seems rather well written. I mean, this would work well as an original story. I looked at your profile after reading this and noticed that's pretty much what you did; made a story you wrote with humans and made it fit into the MLP universe.

Aside from all that, there were a few confusing and less than stellar things in this story. For instance, why so much clothing? I think you should have edited to take some of that out, since ponies really... don't wear much clothing. Then there's the cane Vinyl has. Why? And her sword? I think you should have just stuck with one or the other. Ponies don't exactly have the best dexterity in their forelegs. I guess she could use magic to hold it all the time, but that seems like it would be tiring. Maybe have them both holstered?

Octavia's gun was pretty cool. Something that uses magic without the earth pony input. That sounds like an interesting lead into technology and magic becoming one. Which might leave unicorns and pegasi equal with earth ponies. Maybe that's something you could investigate in further stories, should you be inclined to do so.

Also, the climax felt a bit abrupt. Maybe draw it out more? Or make it more focused? It feels very... "Oh the bad guy comes and things happen for 2 minutes and then he's defeated." Felt a bit too easy.

And the ending felt too much like telling and not showing. But I guess it's kind of necessary and works kind of with her reporting to her boss.

Anyway, good work. Hope to see more from you. You have da skills. Just need to work on your plot a bit.

Not that kind of plot :p

Mystwyn

Mystwyn #3 · Oct 8th, 2013 · · ·

3320086

Thank you!

3320103

Thank you for the huge review! I'll try to keep that what you're saying in mind for future stories, if I do them. I mostly wanted to try this to see if it would work. I guess it doesn't work as much as I wanted to, but I'm hopeful for the future. Thank you. You helped, really. Sorry for not saying much in reponse, but thanks!

Dead Lock