Once upon a time, far in the Frozen North, existed a village called Emberwoods, and it was hidden deep within the mountains. The village was inhabited by a population of one hundred ponies that really never communicated with any other ponies outside of their home. They only ventured outside of the land to gather wood from the nearby forest.
For over five hundred years, the villagers of Emberwoods lived in peace and harmony, and not a single pony left the village to search for a new place. But that would all soon change...
This story is about a young and brave unicorn-colt called “Night Flame” who's eager to leave the boring village and discovering the world and experiencing adventures. Destiny smiled to him and he soon got a chance to do so.
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Looking for editors, a cover and some fans :3
big thx to APoeticHeart for editing
Hm, interesting. Welp, it's reviewing time! XP (I review as I go along, not read and then review after so you get what I think as I think it.)
Ok, an ellipsis only has three dots, not four and looks a bit daft when you have "there was a village called “Emberwoods”after it. It's not necessary, I would get rid of it and join the sentances if I were you.
Bit vague and a little bland. You might want to consider putting more description into this.
... Oh dear. Remember, when you're writing a book don't say "like" unless it's a character saying it or if it's meant to be deliberately slangy and daft.
Also, why do they not communicate with others? Are they hermits choosing to be unsociable sods or do they have no methods of communication? Might be an idea to add that in.
Another thing to note is that you should use a semicolon instead of a full-stop after "Outside" and put more description into the wood chopping bit, even if you just thicken it out a bit by changing it to "They only ever went outside when they had to; they couldn't stay in their homes all the time, after all. Wood had to be chopped, ore had to be mined and food had to be gathered in order to keep their little village above the rising tide."
That's a sudden sense jump from past to present, if this is a narration you will want to change it to "But that would soon change..." with an ellipses for dramatic effect if you'd like, and you'd want to join the two sentences with a comma as well.
NUUUU! Bad author, bad! If you were to extend that sentance it would be "Who is", which is meant to be condensed down to "who's". Whose would be used in a sentence like "The boy whose balloon was popped began to cry", and also, you want a comma after Night Flame's name.
This is a perfect spot to write a back-story, exploit it!
There's no description here at all, buddy, and it's bland as a white wall. Tell us how he felt as he immediately snatched up his chance of excitement, tell us of how he revelled in the wide outdoors or something, I dunno, get creative.
After that you just have a blank space to split it up, this is fine, but you might want to have something like this to make it more aesthetically pleasing: *****, and centre it too.
When somebody speaks it's usually a good idea to tell us how they said it and show us what they were doing at the time, don't do this all the time because it makes your story jerks and irritating, but you should do it sometimes. Example: "Hey, Bob! Where are you going?" Phillip called out, running to stop his friend from doing anything rash.
An exclamation mark would be appropriate after the first sentence, but so would a semicolon, and then the third sentence was pretty awful to be honest, and you've changed tenses again. Say what she's doing to le left of him, bouncing, leaning against a tree, furiously masturbating, whatever, it just helps to know what's going on, and don't tell us she's exited, how us how her the corners of her mouth are curled up with glee or something.
I'm going to leave it at that now, I think I've covered all I need to, you can probably just refer to the things I've said here to improve the rest of it, and you need to get yourself an editor and a small batch of proofreaders. Other things to note are that it's essential for you to read through what you've finished at least twice and use the tab key when you start a new paragraph to create an indent, making it more readable.
If you go back to improve this, once you're done stick it on G-Docs and I might lend you a hand with it if I'm not busy. Sorry if I seemed a bit of a cock with the review, harsh often helps encourage an author and other artists, and I don't mean to seem like a pro either, because I'm not. I know what I'm talking about (most of the time) but there are much, much better people at reviewing than me who aren't as busy and can be arsed to go through a full chapter.
That's all for now, ciao.
3452559
thank you very much :D
every sugestion is greatly appreciated
pls note again, that english is not my native language^^
and yeah, i will get more descriptive^^