Chapter 1: The Cake Is A Lie
Today was the day, the one she dreaded all year. The day that made her shiver in fear just of the ramifications. The day she just wanted to sleep in and forget all about.
But of course, it wasn’t that easy. It was never that easy when it came to something like this.
So, like every other year, Celestia hid. Not the most adult thing to do, but hey, better than being out in the open with the possibility of ambush always a threat.
Dark corners, shadow-ridden hallways, and any tucked away rooms in the castle became her new abode on this very specific of days. Whenever she felt she was being watched she’d move to another location, always on the lookout for new threats.
But no matter how well Celestia concealed herself or masked her movements, that feeling as if someone was watching her, close and intently, didn’t leave. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end every second. Sooner or later, she was going to be found. And then… then…
She’d truly have Tartarus to pay.
Celestia ran down the hall in a sprint, fervent eyes scanning for anything suspicious. Too many times she’s gone through these trials and tribulations. Too many times she’s had to bear with the constraining nonsense of this day year after year. But not today. Today she would avoid the pitfalls, go past the trenches and jump over the walls to freedom.
Unluckily for Celestia, her personal imagery monologue had brought her guard down for a precious second. A second that gave her enemy ample time to spring their trap.
“Ohhhh Tiaaaaaaa! Where are yoooooou?” Luna called out from the hallway, peering into the shadows of the corners in search of her sister. “Come on out, Tia! Everypony is waiting for you!”
A cold sweat ran down Celestia’s back as a shiver wracked through her spine. Gulping because of a lump that had suddenly caught in her throat, Celestia’s eyes scanned the hallway for any avenues of escape.
There was no way she was going to let her menace of a sister drag her into that pit of Tartarus like every other year. This time, she was going to get out of it the immature and rather foalish way.
“Never!” Celestia shouted, making a mad dash for the exit down the hall. Passing by Luna while trotting like the wind, Celestia yelled over her shoulder, “You’ll never take me alive!”
“Seriously, Tia, do we have to do this every year?” Luna asked, Celestia already rounding the corner in a flurry of stomping hooves. “I take that as a yes,” Luna sighed, taking to the air to chase after her sister.
Celestia heard her sister following in her wake, and doubled her pace to outrun her sister. She made a mental note to herself: eat less cake and take a few walks around the castle every once in a while. Packing extra weight was not helping her get away.
“I’m… huff... not going… gasp... back there!” Celestia called over her shoulder at the fast approaching Luna.
“You do know that you can fly and teleport, right?” Luna asked, though those words were lost on Celestia as she rounded another corner. Frowning, Luna muttered, “Of course you don’t.”
“Nearly… there!” Celestia whispered to herself, sight of the exit finally coming into view at the end of the hall. The hope of escape so close at hoof gave her the extra little burst of energy she needed to push through and go through the doors.
“Freedom! Sweet, glorious and immaculate freedom!” she exclaimed.
“Surprise!”
Celesia blinked, staring at the small group of ponies before her. This wasn’t escape, it was a trap! “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” Celestia screamed to the high heavens, on her knees and shaking a hoof at the ceiling.
“Hey Twi, is Celestia alright?” Pinkie whispered to Twilight.
“Yeah… I’m pretty sure,” Twilight answered with a shrug of shoulders. “I mean, why wouldn’t she? It’s her birthday, after all.”
A moan escaped Celestia’s mouth as she laid face down on the floor at the mention of that word.
“My sister is just a little bit… apprehensive about birthday parties,” Luna explained, stepping through the doorway and over Celestia’s body. “She’s not the biggest fan.”
“You tricked me,” Celestia stated, still not bothering to get up from the floor.
“Only because I knew you were going to be uncooperative,” Luna said with a smirk, making her way to the mane six. “And because it’s just too easy.”
“So, we gonna get this party started or what?” Dash asked eagerly.
“Hold it, sugarcube. The Princess has to blow out the candles on her birthday cake first,” Applejack reminded her, wearing a party hat atop her usual stetson.
With those words Pinkie Pie toted the cake to the table the girls were seated at, a certainly delicious chocolate pastry with a plethora of lighted candles atop it. There were so many, the others feared Pinkie might catch her mane on fire.
A begrudging Celestia was dragged to the table by Luna and forced to take a seat. The entire time her face showed disdain and her entire being was filled with dread. When the cake arrived before her–basically a fire place with a treat underneath–her expression had befallen to new levels of despair. Even if the cake before her was filled with a deadly toxin that could kill her with one lick, she still would not be as contemptible towards the birthday cake as she is now.
“Well, Princess Celestia, that sure does look like a delicious cake,” Rarity noted, trying to avoid the fact that the top layer was covered by candle wax. The forest of candles were a blinding sight, but did little to lighten Celestia’s mood.
“Yeah… I can’t wait to eat,” Fluttershy said, one of the only ponies in the room to sense the growing amount of awkwardness centered around Celestia and the cake before her.
“Let’s… let’s just get this over with so I can avoid having to remember this any longer,” Celestia said, head hanging so low the heat from the candles threatening to singe her eyebrows off.
“Okay everypony, let us begin!” Twilight said, the rest of the mares joining in as she started the song.
Happy birthday to you!
Celestia had heard this song many times before. Like always, it only got more annoying with each passing year.
Happy birthday to you!
Really, how is it that in over a thousand year’s time that song stayed exactly the same? Did nopony else come up with something better or more original?
Happy birthday, dear Princess Celestia!
Here came that momentary time lapse where Celestia got to think over the past year in fond memory. Well, that’d happen for normal ponies. Instead, she remembered with a certain loathing that came from living way, way too long about her entire life span. Hard to believe she did it in only two seconds.
Happy birthday to you!
Everypony cheered while Celestia just stared at the cake with a despaired expression, hinged on the edge of complete contempt.
“Well Tia, aren’t you going to blow out your candles?” Luna asked, with a devious smile playing out on her face.
Celestia scowled at her sister. “Ugh… might as well.” Taking in a deep breath, Celestia blew on the extremely large multitude of lit candles. The effort only blew out less than a dozen of the thousand or so candles. Frowning, Celestia tried again, and again, barely making a dent into the blaze.
Luna and the other mares giggled, Celestia totally unaware that the candles were joke candles that wouldn’t blow out.
Two Hours Later…
“Finally… gasp… done!” Celestia sighed in relief, the last candle being snuffed out by her breath. The mares had already left, leaving only Luna to keep her sister company.
Luna blinked, rubbing the tiredness out of her eyes after staring at the brightly lit candles for so long. Now there was a mountain of wax on the cake, actually squishing the pastry to a pancake.
“Yeah, I can see why you don’t like birthdays much,” Luna noted, yawning audibly.
“At least I still get cake,” Celestia said, somewhat relieved. Taking a knife out, she cut a slice off and lifted it up to gobble eagerly at. Instead, she got a mouthful of melted candle wax to chew on instead. Letting the half chewed glob of wax fall from her mouth, Celestia muttered, “And, of course, even I don’t get that on this day. Just great.”
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Perf
PFFFT. I laughed. Hard. Fave
Yeah those type of candles start out fun, then get annoying real fast.
Huh. At some point, you'd think they'd start doing one candle per century. Or different kinds of candles for different powers of ten.
Of course, then we wouldn't have this annual confectionary conflagration to look forward to.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2608_small.jpg
Might be time to switch to writing out your age in numbers with frosting, Celestia.
3241678
Whoops, that was my mistake while making edits. Fixed!
3241678 Hmm...that could also mean she'd get a giant cake to fit the number of digits too.
Another awesome fic Bob.
In before featured (because it's a RainbowBob fic).
I have often imagined how it would be to be immortal. Yea, fun until you remember your age is...ageless. My very first original character(created far before I found Friendship is Magic), King Lucius of Dark, is immortal and almost impervious. He could go through Armageddon and live at the end of time. Imagine yourself in his place, seems pretty scary to be alone for eternity.
This story brought me back to those imaginary times and had me so sympathetic to Celestia. Such a good fic.
Poor Celestia. Being a victim of those joke candles... I got pissed about it when I turned sixteen; can't imagine a 1000 years.
And this kinda seems like a lighter, funnier side of those fanfics where one of the princesses bitch about living for a long time--or being immortal, with Twilight. It doesn't even have her whine; she's just tired of the birthday song like... most people. It's true. They really couldn't come up with a newer version? C'mon!
Poor Celestia...
3241929
♫Hippo Birdy to you
Hippo Birdy to you
Hippo Birdy, Hippo Birdy,
Hippo Birdy to you.
3241929 How do ponies female dog about something?
At this point, you would think Celestia would have invented the log scale and e.
Assuming she's about 1100 years old:
log10(1100) = 3.04
=> Three long candles and a baby candle.
ln(1100) = 7.003
=> Seven long candles and a baby baby candle.
The astronomers and astrologers using them would be a coincidence. Yes, just a coincidence.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. As it turns out, this one is worth one thousand, four hundred and fifty six.
It'd probably be best if she didn't get cake. The sheer amount of candles they would need to mark out each of her years would out shine the sun, melt the Crystal Kingdom's icy location flooding Equestria, or set fire to the land of which the likes have never been seen before. But I guess that's why they invented numerical candles. You know you're old when you need a flamethrower just to light all the candles.
3242363
It's also listed as 'Complete'.
STill think you should have expanded the candle scene.
~Skeeter The Lurker
BAHAHAHAHA THIS IS EVIL AND I LOVE IT!!!
There are candles in the form of numbers...
Does... does Pinkie really not know those exist? And what sick bastard invented joke candles?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzXO_5e8oO0
That is all
And I bet Pinkie Pie is the first pony in a thousand years to know exactly the right number of candles to put on the cake.
3242455
I DID!!!
This is probably the oddest immortality fic I've read.
3242579
It was listed under 'C'!
Update your other stories
What?! The cake is a lie? NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
3242579there can never be too many pinkys the world needs more pinkys
3243064 LUNA likes to play Portal should have invited gladyis to the party
3243151
but... i wanted some cake. I HATE YOU GLaDOS!
3241595 I suspect that that WAS one candle per century.
3243162 after 1000 years instead of happy happy birthday they should have sun Im still alive im still alive
3243222
she can't die
eh, she's immortal
She should have used her magic to blow, better yet, teleport the candles away.
That was pretty damn amusing. Had me smirking hard from A to Z and was peppered with moments that made me openly guffaw, like the image of Applejack taking her Southern quirks so seriously that she can't even remove her hat to put a new one on.
But where the heck was Spike? I'm guessing this takes place in the same universe as "My Little Racist: Friendship is Bigoted".
This reminds me of what me, my brother and sister did for our mother. A Chocolate Moose cake with 1 candle for every year of her life. We waited till the eve of her birthday and then lit all the candles planning to surprise our sleeping mother. 2 seconds later we were running up to the door, started bashing on it,and were begging our mother to open the door and blow out the inferno that was her cake. It surprised her in more ways than was intended.
We settled for numbered candles afterwards.
files.gamebanana.com/img/ico/sprays/_1230-.png
3243206 apply cold water to the burned area celestia
3243222
Again, Bob? MUST you make me love your creations? It seems that your only goal in life is to write stories that have jokes and ideas that I can't help but be magnetized to. Fuck it, I'm just going to be a satellite for you now!
HEY EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO BE RAINBOWBOB'S SATELLITE NOW! I'M GONNA BE A LITTLE MOON AROUND THIS PSYCHOPATH!
Yeah, in all honesty, you just don't stop, and I love it!
3243914 THANKS MOST FUN GAME EVER
The sad fact of birthdays: You're a year closer to death.
Happy birthday.
*ahem* To be honest, the chapter's name is what really pulled me in.
... I'm still gonna read it though! xD
3244131
Not if you're Celestia.
3244453 I mean in real life.
I find it interesting that this was posted on my birthday. Should I be expecting a wax covered cake in the near future?
Cover image kinda spoiled it, but still not bad nonetheless.
Could have been worse.
Discord could have remplaced some candles with dynamite for example.
Hey wait ! Where are the gifts ?!
Portal references:
"The cake is a lie"
Fat protagonist
At least I still get
Also, if it's marked complete, why does the only chapter title include "chapter 1" in it? And vice a versa.
This is hilarious!
3243950
is that a Space Core reference?
SPAAAAAAAACE!
3243222
Likewise I could imagine Celestia telling the cake "well here we are again. Its always such a pleasure... Now I only want you gone"