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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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WAT
6369643 You've made it this far and are only just now confused?
6369825 I can usually take things in my stride.
Usually.
*Sweeps up brain matter*
Hmm, nothing glaring stands out at the moment. Your story remains as interesting as it began (if not more now, with the introduction of this "Puck"), and the twists and turns you've brought the story through always make me want to read more. It's also one of the more frequently updating stories I've favorited, so that's always a pleasure.
I'll make sure to reread this chapter again in a more analytical frame of mind, and not in the middle of night, and get back to you on anything I see. Until then, keep up the great work!
I like how Pinkie is a bad ass. That is always fun.
pre03.deviantart.net/0816/th/pre/i/2014/150/e/d/spider_rarity_by_danmakuman-d7kcvqk.png
6370099 Pardon my shock at the fact that this is one of the more frequently updating stories you read.
Wut was that ending? Much cliffhanger much wait much good chapter.
I love this story no and/or buts... This is the kind of story that sticks to my head for a long time like Bullet Point
I have a theory in who is the Administrator but I won't spill the beans...
Fine I will...
I think that that isn't really Twilight Sparkle but Chrysalis not having the faintest idea who she is. I think she faked being Twilight and the virus made sure that she is in that form permanently along with the memories. Then after she was captured, the real Twilight sent her to Sleipnir along with the other creatures with theses viruses in them to experiment on them. Twilight then implanted fake memories on each one of them to make the whole thing believable.
I also have a feeling that Twilight is actually controlling Dread and make him act as if he is opposing her to make the act more believable.
Though this is just a theory... My theory...
6370099 Any thoughts yet?
6472962
I'm terribly sorry for not responding in so long. I've been busy with college for the past month, and ended up neglecting other things, that including rereading this most current chapter...
I'm sorry if it made it seem as though your story wasn't interesting to me, I truly did mean the things I said in my first comment (including the frequency of updates, yes).
So, even though I am once again reading this in the middle of the night, let's get cracking, eh?
To begin, aside from a few odd paragraph spacings (around the end, where Dread and Pinka are trying to help Twilight), I never detected any errors in punctuation or grammar, which either means that there were none, or the few that existed were so unnoticeable that my brain merely filled in the gaps. So good job in that department!
But grammar and spelling are hardly the most important part of a good story (a category where I'd definitely place yours), so let's focus on the actual story part of the chapter eh? By this, I'm not meaning analyzing what's going to happen or any sort of that poppycock (you're the writer and you already know what's going to happen), I merely mean how you presented your story to the reader.
I only found one area in the story that could use some improvement, and it's a minor thing anyway. Earlier in the chapter, Twilight begins to grow paranoid, imagining that the corpses are watching her, waiting for a moment to strike. Then in the next line, Pinka snaps her out of it, and Twilight sees the hallway of corpses for just what it is: a hallway of corpses. I feel like this difference could have been played up soo much more, and an easy (I say that now, but easier said than done, right?) way that you can emphasize what Twilight is imagining and what is really going on, is just by describing the scene a little more. Perhaps describe the rotting stench of the corpses, how it could mask the scent of an assailant, or describe the darkness of the hallway, giving depth to the shadows that Twilight imagines to be hiding uncountable evils. This juxtaposition could potentially add so much more suspense into just a few lines, and I have no doubt you could utilize this to great extent in your story.
*Steps off of soapbox*
Alright, sorry for the wall of text there (definitely not compensating for my month of silence, nope). I really do mean what I said above in a helpful way, and I hope I didn't come across as too critical, which is never my intent. But now, onto two things I always enjoy with your writings, and especially shine out this chapter.
Firstly, your action scenes. I love how you are able to make your action scenes feel so alive. In my writing, I've always had trouble creating scenes in which action takes place rapidly. I'm a rather wordy fellow (as you might've noticed), so I always have trouble making such scenes pick up pace. In our heroes' fight with Spiderity, and others from previous chapters, I love how dynamic these scenes are. You do an amazing job at keeping the action running on all 8 cylinders, and that's a feat to be proud of.
Secondly, your cliffhangers. I mentioned this already in my first comment, so I'll just repeat it a little. The cliffhangers that you use in your story are great. They draw the reader in, make them wonder "what is going on," "what's next?" and then leaves them wanting for more. That's certainly the way I feel now after rereading the chapter, so well done there, good sir/madam/slime.
That's all I really have to say for now. I'm excited for the next one, and sure that it'll leave me wanting more, just like this chapter has.
Also, Spiderity is best Rarity.
6496995 The extra spaces between paragraphs are there to mark changes in point of view, switching between what's going on in Twilight's mind and what's going on outside it.
I don't know why, but I've been imagining Pinkamena in a bloody lab coat and that hasn't stuck out as much until this chapter.