(older story not up to par to current writing style)
this is not my normal thing for writing. I don't write Shipping its not who I am, I was just in a group who had a contest. I didn't choose the topic and I rushed to write the fic because I wanted to see what I could write when I just write and not stop. If you want to see a thought out Fan Fic that I've read Go read the Story of Stardust. It takes me a week to plan and write a chapter and then it takes a couple of days to edit. This story was Written on a whim and nothing more.
Twilight is determined to spend time with Princess Celestia at the Grand Galloping Gala but when Celestia has to go do some royal business, Twilight has to spend time with another Princess. takes place during the events of Episode 26.
(this story has not and will not be edited)
Actually it was really good i really think you did a good job
10959 thanks XD
I'm afraid I wasn't particularly impressed with this one. No complaints about the shipping itself, but the entire thing was just... Sloppy.
It's fine to work on "explaining" why the Gala went so badly for the Mane 6, but these "practical jokes" were hideously cruel. I could potentially see "Trollestia" doing them, but Twilight? Doesn't really seem like her idea of fun. (Heck, even Pinkie and Rainbow is against pranking Fluttershy, so having friendly Twilight do it seems unlikely.)
I also felt that the "moments" with Twilight and Luna was lacking in emotion. Well, aside from Twilight being shocked. She apparently spent half this fanfic in shock. Oh well, just my opinions. Take them for what they are, opinions :).
10975 I wrote this for a contest and i admit i did write it fast i mean fast! this is my first shipping thing ever and I've never been good at conveying emotion in a comedy/love thing XD
"Luna laughed "Yes but royal duty comes first and tonight is no different" she said "but enough mopping how about we go outside and have some fun?" Luna offered"
You've reduced Luna to a mere housemaid? The nerve!
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11110 lol spell check sucks ass
I'm willing to forgive poor punctuation.....to a point. When, however, you decide to forgo the use of comma's whatsoever, I'm going to call you out on it. That's terrible, especially for a dialogue heavy piece, and you need to make an attempt to fully utilize all the writing tools available to you in the future.
11128 As i have said before this was written hastely for a contest on deviant art, I didn't have time to add commas and fix punctuation issues and if you look in my fanfic the story of stardust i use commas and i have an editor who fixes any remaining issues. Its kind of hard to utilize all your writing tools when your rushed so thanks for your input but I've already established that the punctuation is crap.
If it weren't for spell check i don't thing anything i typed would make sense.....Anyways good work on the story.......(looks wait why isn't there a luna emotion?)...........
11148 lol thanks
Great job here i really loved this, Twilight X Luna has always been my favorite romantic shipping. I can't blame you for grammar or punctuation those are my low points too. I just can't focus enough on those things while I'm writing because i'm so engaged in what I'm doing, and I'm sure it's the same for you. I don't think it takes away from the quality of the story you wrote at all.
Signed,
The Pegasus Brony
11247 thanks XD TwiLuna is my favorite paring so i was really excited about writing this story
11272 thanks and yes the contest is still on i'll send u the site
You do know that you asking not to complain about the spelling, grammar, and what not... will TEMPT me to find the mistakes, point them out, and rail on you for them, right?
While I'm not going to point them out for you, since you seem to have noticed them on your own, what I am going to do is be perfectly honest. Rushed writing is not good writing, and this is a case-in-point. You should have polished this beforehand, with all the bells and whistles attatched, in order for it to even be considered as a contender. Harsh, yes. Blunt, absolutely. True? I'll let you decide that one.
The premise is... passable. Not something I'd work with, but if it gets your juices going, that's fine. Fact is though that the way things go down is questionable at best. Paring's interesting, but lacks conviction and emotional content, the two things needed to make any pairing work. At best, this is a friendshipping fic, but that's my personal opinion.
12369 And as i should have said in the description this is not my normal thing for writing. I don't write Shipping its not who I am, I was just in a group who had a contest. I didn't choose the topic and I rushed to write the fic because I wanted to see what I could write when I just write and not stop. If you want to see a thought out Fan Fic that I've read Go read the Story of Stardust. It takes me a week to plan and write a chapter and then it takes a couple of days to edit. This story was Written on a whim and nothing more.
hm... though you said punctuation and grammar shouldn't get criticized, I really have to add it here:
There is a reason, why its essential. It helps to read the story more fluently :D (I don't want to sound like a fucking teacher, so I'll keep this short).
You had some problems to distinguish ''You're'' and ''Your'', it's not a great problem, I know it's like a plague in America, but still it is just... well... annoying?...
Still, I'm not the right person to criticize the english skills of others (I'm from Germany).
For such a contest-story, it's still fine.
^ I'm not around here for a long time, so I'm still trying, which BBCodes work...
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Now to the story:
You said it at the very beginning of the description that you're not into shipfics. This fact saves you from... getting teared apart by me...
) completely ruined it. You said, it is for a contest, which is about shipfics in between Luna and Twilight. Still, it's a great comedyfic ( and a great gapfiller before going to bed ) with ambition to get a shipfic.
This story is a good comedyfic - nothing less, but nothing more. It had very much potential, besides the fact that the rushed romance part ( which was about 5 sentences long
If it's not your style, you shouldn't try, even if you only got caught up in a competition.
Because of the fun parts and the attempt to write a shipfic, I'll vote 4 stars.
Huh. This story was published on my birthday.
It was a nice story.
look man i thought that this was really good and that you should start doing more of this