This is my first story....well, ever! so I hope everything turns out nice. I was planning on uploading this in time for the contest....well, you can see how well THAT turned out. But anyway, ON TO THE STORY!!!!! Oh, and please feel free to comment, rage, rant, compliment or point out spelling and grammar errors. Enjoy!
( About time i finally added an actual description to this I think, don't you? )
A lonely military listening outpost on the edge of the Everfree Forest is visited by disaster in this one shot story, set in an alternate Equestria, loosely based off the Fallout Equestria world created by Kkat.
Tensions with a rival nation of Elk, who focused more on technological advancements rather than magic like the ponies, come to a head one fateful day.
This is the account of the Everfree Outpost's commander, who bore witness to the tragic events to befall Canterlot itself, the subsequent attack upon her base, and ultimately, the end of the war for her and her soldiers.
You had a very good idea, but I feel it could have been better. The plot, character meshes and The writing were acceptable but even though this was supposed to be a sad story; I did not feel sad at all. You could have added more background story near the end, getting Hands to write how much she misses her wife, or give her some fear during the fight scenes. Emotion, that's what was lacking in this story. Hand's wife died and the only thing you wrote about it was this line; "I cried all that day and night, i didn't care if my troops saw me or not. I cried myself to sleep." I get the feeling that the main purpose of this story is about Hands wife dieing and her last moments just before being reunited with Bon bon.
Overall the only thing your story lacked was emotion and perhaps it was a bit short.
Bravo and encore.
270188Thank you for your response! This story could have been longer and had more emotion, I know. However, this story was really a test to see how well I could write more than anything else. I just wanted to get my feet wet, as it were, and I'm surprised with how well it's been received so far. Also, I really wanted it to be rather emotionless because Hands is writing this in her journal and I wanted it to feel like somepony had found that journal and was reading it. Hands is dying as she writes basically, so that's how I wanted it to read like, rather halfhearted, because she doesn't really care anymore and she's only doing it for her dead wife. That's why I tagged it as sad. Thanks again!
THAT WAS GREAT! For your first story, though I would've thought that you would tell the readers what this would be about in the description? Oh well anyways! Keep on going!
493907 it being my first story, I actually wrote the entire thing in the description window, description included. When I realized my mistake, I moved it to the correct area, but the description went poof.
very good for your first try, we both know the flaws and its good points. its very good for what it is, and a good base point for improving yourself and getting out there
Certainly well wrote. The length made it hard to care about anyone in it and it's generally not my thing but well wrote for sure.
That ending. That hit hard