Cotton let out a deep sigh as one of the guards closed the massive castle door behind her. She unstrapped her saddlebag and let it drop to the floor, her haunches doing the same before she let herself fall onto her side like a toppled statue.
“Hey, sweetie!” Spike came trundling down the stairs with a smile just as she entered. “Great timing. How’d the opening go?” He walked up to her and craned his neck down to face her. “You look exhausted; must’ve been a pretty hectic day, huh? How many customers did you get?”
Staring straight ahead as her cheek rested on the floor, Cotton grunted, “None.”
Spike’s eyes widened as his smile fell. “What?”
“None,” she repeated. “Nobody came. All day. Nobody.” She rolled over onto her back and looked up at him. “Not even the ponies from the court.”
“What about the ponies from the court?” Spike turned his head and found Celestia approaching from the hallway. “I just— Oh! Cotton! How did the opening go?”
Cotton closed her eyes and let out a breath. “Terrible.”
With a flinch, Celestia’s eyebrows pinched as she asked, “Why?”
“No customers,” Spike replied simply. Cotton nodded in confirmation.
“Oh Cotton, I’m sorry.”
“About what?” Twilight asked as she came down the main staircase, on her way to Dusk Court.
Celestia turned to face her. “Cotton didn’t have any customers at the bakery today.”
Putting a hoof to her muzzle, Twilight let out a small gasp before she walked up to join Spike and Celestia in hovering over Cotton, who still lay on the floor. “Oh, I’m sorry, Cotton.” She tilted her head before she added, “Did you at least eat lunch?”
Cotton groaned as she narrowed her eyes at Twilight briefly, then she answered, “I had some of an apple pie that I made.”
“That isn’t exactly—”
“Twilight,” Spike interrupted her, “I agree with you, but that isn’t helping.”
Putting a hoof up, Twilight responded, “I know, I’m sorry. Still, I don’t think your own stock is the best lunch.”
“I didn’t wanna leave the store in case somebody showed up.” She let out another deep sigh. “By four there was nobody on the block, so I closed early and walked everything down to the orphanage.”
“The orphanage?” Spike asked. “Your orphanage in Central Canterlot?”
Cotton nodded. “Mhm. You saw the store location; it’s actually not that far. The orphanage is on the east side of Central, and the shop is in the upper east side. It was like, a fifteen-minute walk.”
Celestia tilted her head. “How did you get everything there?”
“Well, I realized I should’ve thought of that before, but the Dancers have a wagon they let me borrow.”
“Who?”
“The ponies upstairs. Shuffle Step and Hover Hop,” Cotton replied.
Twilight nodded. “Yes, they’re a very nice couple. I hope you thanked them.”
“I did. They said I can use it anytime. I might need a bigger one, though; some of the pies almost fell out ‘cause I had to stack them pretty high. And actually, I forgot—they stopped into the shop in the morning and got a couple slices of pie. And my landlord came to pick up the cookie fee, but that was it.” Finally rolling over onto her stomach before sitting back up on her haunches, Cotton let out another sigh. “At least Mother Matron and Tender Care were happy to see me. Some of the kids were, too.”
“Well, I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t have been. They’re always happy to see you,” Spike responded.
Cotton shrugged. “I guess.” After a moment, Spike and the princesses were relieved to see a small smile creep onto her muzzle. “At least some of the kids that were there last time were adopted. There was one colt who was almost as old as I was when I left. Glad he found a home. A couple of fillies got adopted as sisters, too. And a colt that had barely gotten out of a highchair.”
“Well that’s good to hear,” Twilight said. “How are Mother Matron and Tender Care?”
“Good,” Cotton replied. “Still ‘filling out meals, chasing paperwork, and cooking children,’” she added with a little mirth.
As the princesses laughed, Spike let out a snort. “Yes, I can understand saying something like that.”
Cotton sighed as she stood up. “I’m gonna go to my room. I’ll see you all at dinner.” She picked up her saddlebag, and as she moved for the staircase, she added, “Good luck in court, Aunt Twilight.”
“Oh! Court! I need to go!” Twilight quickly turned tail and galloped off to the throne room. Spike let out a chuckle.
When Cotton made it to the top of the stairs, Celestia sighed herself as she looked up at Spike. “I know she asked me not to, but are you certain I shouldn’t say anything in court? She’s so disappointed.”
Spike let out a breath. “Not unless she changes her mind and asks. You know her; she doesn’t like getting special treatment. A royal endorsement would qualify.”
Celestia nodded. “Yes, I understand. It’s just such a shame. She was so excited, too. I hope this doesn’t discourage her.”
Shaking his head, Spike responded, “No, she’s a very resilient filly. I don’t think she’ll let one bad day of business keep her down.”
“Even her grand opening?”
“Well, Luna did tell her not to get her hopes up.”
Celestia let out a small chuckle. “You mean ‘lift her hopes.’”
“That too,” he grunted. “Despite her butchering of the Equish language, she is right from time to time.”
With another nod and another sigh, Celestia said, “It’s just a shame she was right about this.”
Ж
As Cotton lay on top of her comforter staring at the ceiling, the breeze from her open window gently fluttering the curtains, there was a knock at her door.
“Yeah?”
“Cotton, ‘tis Us! May We enter thy chamber?”
A small smile crossed Cotton’s muzzle. “Sure, Aunt Luna. Come on in.”
The door swung open as the Night Princess came prancing into the room, dancing on the tips of her hooves as she stopped beside the bed. “We intended to enquire of thee during supper— did fortune smile upon thy first day within thine establishment? Pray, tell Us of thy successes!”
Cotton sighed as her smile fell. She turned onto her side as she looked at her aunt from the edge of her bed. “There weren’t any.”
Luna’s hooves stopped in midair before she dropped them to the floor. She tilted her head as she said, “Nay, it couldst not be true.”
“Mhm. Nobody showed up.”
“‘Tis why thou wert silent at the table?”
Nodding, Cotton replied, “Yep. You were right, I shouldn’t’ve gotten my hopes up.”
“Oh, dear Cotton…” Luna slowly walked forward and nuzzled Cotton’s cheek. “We didst not mean—” She sighed as she shook her head. “We are most sorry, Cotton. T’was not Our intention to imply this wouldst be today’s result. Merely to be aware t’was possible.”
Letting out a breath, Cotton responded, “I know. It’s just…” A sniffle escaped her. “I was so pumped. I thought it was gonna be great. Everything was all ready. But…” A tear struggled down her cheek as she finished, “I-it was all for nothing.”
“Oh, Cotton, nay.” Luna sat on her haunches as she reached out a hoof and gently ran it through Cotton’s mane, the filly’s tears silently dripping from her cheek to her pillow. “T’was not for nothing. T’was only thy first day of business. There will be many more. Thou shouldst not let this discourage thee.”
“But… even ponies that knew about it didn’t come. Ponies that heard me talking about it when I was in court with Auntie Tia.”
Luna rested her hoof on Cotton’s shoulder as she wrapped a wing around her like a blanket. “Thou shouldst not rely on the memories of our petitioners. Sometimes they are only aware of what lay directly beneath their muzzles.”
“I… I guess.”
After nuzzling Cotton once more, Luna retracted her wing and looked out the window. “We must attend court, but…” She tilted her head and smiled. “…wouldst thou like Us to visit thee whilst We are on dream patrol?”
Cotton shook her head. “I’m sure other ponies will need you more. Thanks, though.” She sighed again. “Have a good night, Aunt Luna.”
“Sweet dreams, dear Cotton.” After running a hoof through Cotton’s mane one last time, Luna’s ears perked up as her eyes moved to the window once more. Cotton saw her let out a quick breath before she stood and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Once again rolling onto her back, Cotton resumed staring up at the ceiling. 'Sweet dreams.’ Maybe I’ll dream of sweets. And them not getting sold. A beat later, she sniffled as she wiped away her stray tears with a foreleg, then gently brought her opposite hoof to her face and dragged it down her muzzle. “How much did you hear, Tacca?”
After a moment, the noctis’s head slowly descended below the top of the massive window frame, his eyes wide. “H-how did you—”
“Aunt Luna noticed you. You’re lucky she didn't actually catch you. How much did you hear?”
“W-what do you mean? I’ve been on patrol. I just got here a second ago. You were talking to Princess Luna?”
With another sigh, Cotton said, “How many times have I told you you don’t have to sit outside the window? You can come in.” After he nodded and flipped himself inside, Cotton lifted her head and added, “For a spy, you’re really not a good liar.”
Tacca pouted as he took off his helmet. “You know there hasn’t been any reason for me to spy for months. Now I’m basically the papercolt. I didn’t think a Private First Class still had to do grunt work.”
Cotton flipped around to rest on her barrel as she smirked at him, cocking a brow. “So you’ve been practicing on me instead? That’s a little creepy, y’know.”
Tacca’s eyes shifted back and forth before he stammered, “I-I, uh—”
“Relax, I know you wouldn’t do anything stupid.” She chuckled darkly. “My dad would eat you alive if you did.” When Tacca went pale, Cotton added, “Besides, I like it when you pop in.”
He regained his color as he let out a sigh of relief. “Glad to hear. I was gonna say, you’ve never had any problem when I’ve knocked. Well, except that one time, but… nevermind. I don’t do it every night, I— okay, now I need to shut up.”
Cotton giggled at him. “I told you, relax. Just knock next time, okay?”
“Promise,” Tacca replied, holding up a hoof. His face flushed as the same hoof rubbed the back of his head. “Oh, but, uh…to answer your question… Yeah, I think I heard everything. You’re serious? Nopony came to your bakery?”
Cotton’s head dropped as she shook her head. “Nope. Well, other than the folks upstairs that came down to say hi in the morning. They got a couple pie slices and left. But they don’t count.”
“…Not gonna lie, that sucks.”
“Tell me about it. I know it was only my first day, but still, I figured at least one pony would show up. Enough ponies heard about it.” Laying her head down on her forelegs, she finished, “Obviously, I was wrong.”
Tacca sighed as he walked around and approached the foot of Cotton’s bed. “Hey, it’s just one day. Didn’t you tell me you’re only gonna take Sundays off? You’ve got six days to the end of the week. I’m sure somepony will come.”
“Five.”
“Huh?”
Cotton lifted her head and smirked again. “Five more days. Today would be the sixth. I may not be a fan, but I’m not that bad at math. Besides, I’ll have to get used to it working a register.”
Smacking his face with a hoof, Tacca responded, “See, this is why I signed up for the military; I don’t need to do math.”
“Really? That’s the reason why?”
“No, I just— I mean—” He let out a grunt. “You know what I meant.”
Cotton giggled. “I know, it’s just fun messing with you.” She stuck her tongue out at him.
Plopping onto his haunches, Tacca scowled as he crossed his forelegs. Then he stuck out his own tongue back at her. As Cotton giggled at him again, he chuckled with her for a moment before he stood back up. “I have to get back to patrol. Have a good sleep, okay?”
“Thanks. I’ll try,” Cotton replied with a shrug. Just as he turned to leave, she said, “Hey, Tacca?”
“What’s up?”
She crawled to the edge of the bed, then booped him on the nose, making him scrunch up his muzzle. “Thanks for dropping by.”
With a smile, he responded, “You’re welcome.” After making his way to the window, he returned his helmet to its rightful place, then looked back at her and added, “G’night.” Then in a wink and a flick of the curtain, he was gone.
1st day on the job... Lay around and do nothing
Wait till the boss finds out
I am the boss
You say that an empty store doesn't give much to narrate, but there are authors on this site who could not only make it work, but make it incredibly compelling. That's not your style, though, nor is it the style of this story. Your literary strengths lie elsewhere.
Oh no, poor Cotton! D:
Hoping that was a fluke...or else <_<
Anywho, glad to see an update, even if it is Cotton's first day flop.
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Well this cheered me up
10356265
Y'know, I actually did just realize last night that there indeed were things I could have done. But I really wanted to get this chapter out, and I thought trying to think of them now and still running them by my editor (and of course I thought of this after we'd already met) would've put me back at least another few days. Well, win some, lose some, I guess. Sometimes there can be too much fluff.
10124022
Part of the problem I'm seeing for this is that Cotton simply isn't the right protagonist for THAT sort of plot and the author is aware of it.
Cotton is a Slice of Life character through and through - she just wants a happy life with her father, extended royal family, and her bakery. This whole thing with Steadclaw happens and she just wants to move on as quickly as possible and never mention it again because trying to find out why all this happened is not a storyline she is willing or equipped to follow the mystery personality-wise. Her only conflicts as a SoL character is essentially "My boss underestimates me" and "I'm having trouble starting my bakery".
If this were a story like Goldfur's Off the Mark, then the story would have these slice of life elements mixed in with adventure because the characters, when given a situation that hurts them like this, will start finding a way to investigate the issue and dare to leave their comfort zone to ask questions because "my first love after cutting off contact with me so abruptly is dead after appearing on a battlefield and I need to find out why, if not to seek justice for him then to seek closure for myself". Cotton here, however, is not adventurous, she is very much into remaining comfortable even if it means figuratively and literally shoving all her memories of Steadclaw into the back of her closet and moving on with her life without opening up about it. Seriously, no one around her is aware of what happened except Discord last I checked.
So I'm torn between whether this is the author recognizing that Cotton is not an adventurous protagonist that just wants a quiet life. or if the author STARTED going down the route of an adventure story but veered off course either because they didn't want to or they don't have the skill for it (both of which are fine save the fact the foundation was laid and then abandoned - this cheats the readers).
Okay, this chapter didn't need to exist. I'm not sure what it was supposed to achieve. It feels like the author is writing by numbers now.
Eeeevil boss
Have a big romatic sub-plot.
Drop the love- interest without any resolution
Suddenly... a war!
Slice of life, build a business
I need another set-back... I know, no-one cones on her first day, despite the fact that everything was set-up otherwise.
It's a pity, because the characters as characters are well done, and so is the dialogue. Spike having an adopted daughter was a great set-up. This story has so many good things about it.
Unfortunately the plot doesn't seem to know what it's doing any more. It's random and disconnected. It is a bildungsroman style coming of age story? A slice of life? A romance? A tragedy? I don't know, and I'm not sure the author does either.
9711369
Not even game of thrones style, He's killed as if he was a background character the main character met once. I legit thought she just mistook some other dead griffon for Steadclaw. If that was actually him I'm really disappointed in how that was handled.
10356282
It wasn't even an adventure plot it was a drama plot which they did before with her bullies. Aside from that the way it was left was wrong no matter why it was left.
If they want to get rid of Steadclaw they needed closure but right now all the story has is every character assuming he's still alive and just left cotton for no reason. Spike still had that moment with Steadclaw's mom but what does that even mean anymore if we the readers are just left to assume that plot thread is just completely cut out and ignored like it never happened going forward?
It's like that trope where a character dies off screen, you're supposed to think they're dead and the characters all morn their death for a moment but they end up coming back later on except this character supposedly died Cotton morned it for a scene and never told anyone so no one else morned or even confirmed the death. We only got one scene where a Griffon whose face and body was completely covered by his armor was run through with a spear, the only thing he is identified by is his "charcoal grey plumage" so we have to assume that Steadclaw is the only grey Griffon in the entire world to think it was him. Cause no one checked afterward.
Either the author is being a troll and Steadclaw's not actually dead because any closure that could confirm he's dead was bluntly avoided after it happened and the author avoids talking sbout it cause he doesn't want to spoil it or he actually died in the least satisfying way possible cause the author just wanted to get rid of him and avoids talking about it cause they don't want to deal with the criticism.
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I’m usually hesitant to get too involved with comments like these for fear of spoilers, but hopefully I can make a few comments here that might clear up some confusion and answer some questions that won’t cause any major issues/spoilers (if it does I'll have to delete it from spreading further). And hopefully I won’t come off as obnoxious— if I do, apologies in advance. I actually welcome criticism— it lets me know if what I’ve written evokes the responses and/or emotions I wanted. Most of the time it has, but sometimes it hasn’t. When that’s been the case, sometimes I’ve been able to do something about it, sometimes I can’t because of upcoming events. Either way, I’m not a “Shut up, I don’t wanna hear it” kind of person. The majority of the time when I don’t give responses to negative criticism it’s because it either falls into the ‘I can’t do anything about it’ category, or it could reveal spoilers (which... are basically the same thing). Anyway—
A couple of you had points that overlapped, so I’m combining all your responses into one. Obviously I won’t be able to answer everything, but I’ll do what I can. In case this hovers in the top of the comments section, I’m putting it in spoilers for the sake of new readers. And if the number of shelf addition notifications I got are any indication, there are quite a lot of them.
— First off, I should clear up some confusion, which most likely has occurred because of the huge gaps between chapter publications. That’s unfortunately one of the things I can’t always help, which is the reason why I was so hesitant to start publishing these next couple chapters in the first place. Anyway— while it is not explicitly stated, over the course of the last few chapters in the previous act, it is strongly hinted that, at the very least, Spike, Celestia, and Cotton’s three main friends (Flarechaser, Harmony Wishes, and Daisy Withers) were all told about Steadclaw’s death. The only reason Discord didn’t say anything about it is because he wanted Cotton to be the one to decide whether or not she would tell them. Bleeding into another point, this isn’t a case of Cotton mourning Steadclaw one day and then being over him the next. Pushing his letters to the back of the closet is only the start of the process, it isn’t like flipping a light switch. At this point in the story, about seven months have elapsed since the war— six of them between the acts. Cotton’s had time. That said, you can assume that by now Twilight and Luna were also told (they were told within the first few days), as well as Cotton’s friends from Central Canterlot, and Mother Matron and Tender Care.
— Cotton is indeed a ‘pure slice of life’ kind of character. To at least some degree, she’s been coddled her whole life, pre- and post-adoption; first being a particularly notable child getting special attention in the orphanage, then being given the life of royalty (and despite all that, she’s still very humble). She much prefers staying within her comfort zone, so the war really threw her for a loop. I know it came completely out of left field, but it had its reasons for occurring, and had been planned a long time ago. Everything has been. This is only the third long-term story I’ve written (technically taken over, since, if you didn’t see in the very first author’s note, I didn’t start it), and I learned from the mistake I made with the first one— work with an outline. And in this case, it wasn’t mine. When I took over back in 2016, I picked through the original outline and altered it in a way that it kept the original version’s integrity, but also became mine. I currently have fully written chapters that won't be released for about... I'd guesstimate a minimum of 15 chapters, some of them more. At the risk of sounding snappy, that’s my way of saying that no, I did not become bored of subplots, and apologies if it’s come across that way. (Read: “I know what I’m doing.”)
— That said, the story as a whole has, indeed, been a bit convoluted at times, and it seems things haven’t been as easy to follow as I hoped. There are genre tags that technically could have been included, but they aren’t main points of the story. The majority of the story is Slice of Life, which is why it’s currently the only genre tag it has. Sure, I could have put the [Dark] tag because of the war, but that was really the only thing that that tag would apply to. There won’t be another attempt (*gasp* spoilers!). I could put [Comedy] since there are plenty of funny points (At least I hope readers think of them as such), [Sad] not only because of Cotton’s back story alone, but other reasons, [Drama] and [Romance] for obvious reasons, possibly even [Random] because of everything above... but the story doesn’t focus on those. On the whole it’s a [Slice of Life] story. Even if you don’t include [Random], story formatting won’t allow them all, anyway— it’s one too many tags. But, if you think I should add them, I’m open to the suggestion. The question is which tag to leave out.
Anyway, that’s my piece. If you want to respond to it, by all means, go ahead. If you want to ask me something, also go ahead, but be warned that it’s likely I may not be able to answer it. Anything that may reveal spoilers for the story will be greeted with a generic "I can't answer that."
So let me get this straight; Cotton opened up a bakery in a key location that nopony can miss, and the ponies from the day court knew about it, and still nopony came?
… something doesn't smell right here. Me thinks somepony may be steering Cotton's customers away from her, like a certain former baker she used to work for.
I'm most likely wrong, but still...
10357469
Thank you for this response, though there are two things I would criticize further. Someone's already downvoted your comment without a word because "blah blah when an author explains themselves it's bad blah" but this is actually a good opportunity to make a few points based on what you've said, and anyone just downvoting is lazy as hell.
The bolded bits all work against you and the story.
I don't think anyone is complaining that the war plot came out of left field. If anything, the fact it comes out of nowhere is fitting given what it is and it works since it rattles Cotton and puts her out of her comfort zone. Even avid readers of slice of life fics enjoy watching the protagonist get a shake-up where they have to either get help or work to get through it, which Cotton did (in perhaps a silly way that can be summarized as "propaganda cookies"). What we've been critical of is Steadclaw's part in it and the brevity of an aftermath in regards to that.
10357822
Mostly exactly this, maybe could have been a moment between the characters we could supposedly assume now know talking to each other about it behind Cotton's back or something. (It has been awhile since I've read the parts after Steadclaws death)
I'd actually argue the war plot didn't come out of nowhere there was a ton of subtle build up to it with Griffon's leaving, to Steadclaw leaving, to Steadclaw's letters hinting the Griffon's were militarizing. I don't think the war was that surprising just how it ended and how the characters were handled at the end. Level said they weren't really comfortable with depicting the war itself if I remember correctly and that's fair, it is kinda the opposite of slice of life to fully depict it.
10357469
You say "no, I did not become bored of subplots" so i'll give you the benefit of the doubt going forward. It's was really just how abruptly the subplot seemed to be ended and ignored by the characters even aside from Cotton that had me worried. I will be and would still have been reading but now I'm less worried going forward.
10356630
Well, honestly you are pretty much right. But the method to this madness is the nature of the MLP universe. It is chaotic and strange. The Royals are getting tangled in all kinds of manure and Cotton is the background pony to them.
What your seeing is a background pony tale. Someone building her life among a plot far bigger and more intresting than her. This hurts the story as after the teenage drama years had ended, the modus operandi of the story became just Cotton hearing retellings of intresting stuff OR becoming embroiled in that stuff by asociation. The story doesn't have the structure to really contain Cotton as a protagonist and keep its previous level.
That is unless the storys identity changes and decides if it wants to be a defined romance or drama by Cotton getting into a romantic triangle if Steadclaw is revealed to be alive somehow.
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Whew. Sorry, had to collect my thoughts for this one before I responded. And due to its length I’m probably gonna get some more ‘thumb-n-runs’ (I already got another one on the other one), but I think it’s worth telling you where I’m coming from.
First off, I want to sincerely thank both of you. One for actually using spoiler tags (you’d be surprised how often people don’t use them, and I hate deleting comments with spoilers because it otherwise looks like somebody said something I don’t like and I deleted it to silence them), but most importantly for your awesome constructive criticisms. I meant it when I said that I welcome it, and these were perfect examples of being constructively critical without sounding like @$$holes.
Once again I think my responses may possibly bleed together, so again I’ll respond to both of you at once. If at any point I come across as condescending or snappy, apologies— I promise it’s not my intention. Oh, and sorry about the chunks of text.
So here we go:
— First I’m gonna make a quick note about what I said about the war— “out of left field” probably wasn’t the right thing to say, since yes, the buildup via the letters was my intention, and it seems at least that was successful. I probably should have said something more like, “not the kind of thing you’d expect in a story like this.” Anyway, for the real stuff…
— I think the biggest problem in terms of not being able to see certain things happening, is that with one exception (though it’s a broad one), I can’t have the characters talking about Steadclaw behind Cotton’s back ‘on screen’ because the points of view of the narrative are almost solely from Cotton, Spike, or both of them. They’re the only ones that the third-person omniscient applies to; everyone else is third-person limited. With the exception of ‘mini-scenes’ that stem from a scene where either Spike and/or Cotton have gone off screen either temporarily or for good (i.e. back when Nightshade gave Steadclaw Luna’s message to get a move on and ask Cotton out), or they are going to come into the main scene shortly (Flarechaser and Daisy Withers talking at their lockers before going to join Cotton in class early in act 2— that scene in particular was also how I introduced Daisy in the first place), one of them has to at least be within viewing distance. So essentially the only (but big) exception is that Spike needs to be around in order for anyone to see reflections behind Cotton’s back, and I definitely can’t show other characters having their own internal reflections about him (again, third-person limited).
In other words, no lengthy scenes with only princesses (or only Cotton’s friends, other groups, etc) are ever shown. They would have to be referenced in some way when Cotton or Spike are present, which unfortunately becomes telling and not showing (There was one exception to this— the flashback scene with Luna and Cadance discussing Cotton’s upcoming date with Steadclaw in “They Come With Pictures Now?!” I just couldn’t resist that, and you really needed it for context). Clearly I haven’t done a great job of explaining that, because a fair amount happened during those six months between acts three and four— including Cotton’s mourning process, and how Spike and/or the princesses tried to help her cope if/when she was willing to open up about it. Obviously making some kind of reference to them would at least lessen the issue with it, but the problem I see with that is, to me personally, having one of them bring up something in a manner like, “Oh, when Cotton told me [x] [x time-during-gap ago] etc” seems not only telly, but contrived. I had hoped that Cotton’s behavior alone at the start of the new act would give at least a decent idea about what happened during that time, but that’s obviously an assumption I should not have made. And it’s also obviously what you’re saying you would’ve liked to see. But—
One of my flaws as a writer, particularly with this story, is that there are certain ‘phases’ in the acts (and in some cases the whole act is one phase) that I want to focus on. When there are time lapses between those phases, I’ve fallen into the bad habit of not really giving them the focus they probably deserve— I like to move on and get to the next part. For example, the gap time between acts one and two is a full four years because the way I saw it, after you got a feel for what day-to-day life would be like for them after the adoption first happened, then you had a good idea of what things would be like going forward from then on until the next act. Most of what happened between those acts wasn’t that important, and the stuff that was important was mentioned in the next act (Cotton’s school issues etc were explained during her date with Steadclaw, and that was more natural between the two of them because they wanted to know each other’s back story).* The reason the Entr’acte existed was because what happened between acts two and three—mostly the letters themselves—was important (very much so). And anything else of note in Equestria (at least in Cotton’s eyes) was mentioned in Cotton’s letters.
— Malory, in response to your first point, I’ll PM those to you. They’re long-ish and would make this comment even more gigantic than it already is. But in regard to those, you’re right again, I shouldn’t have made any assumptions. I do agree with you in regards to Luna, Twilight, and the folks from Central Canterlot, but in my defense, somebody made a comment that they caught on to how I was indirectly referencing the reveals for Spike and Celestia (which were both in the same chapter), so I was under the impression that I was successful and that most (if not all) of the other readers would catch them, too. But again, probably an assumption I shouldn't have made. That seems to be my biggest issue, so I’m gonna have to do my damnedest not to keep doing it.
So again, thanks to both of you. Criticisms like yours are extremely helpful. If you have anything else you’d like to add, I absolutely welcome it, but depending on how far you go, it might be wise to move to PMs.
*Side note, I’m also in the process of putting together an ‘Early Years’ anthology for that time frame— see here.
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I also have to wonder, did she do any advertising... like, any at all? In a city like ours, just opening the doors to a new business would result in the same thing. At best you'd get someone wandering in looking for the restroom. Most businesses live and die by advertisements or the lack thereof.
...but maybe her old boss might be partly responsible for the utter lack of customers. Some subtle investigations might be prudent. Heck, put that sneaky noxcal to work, heh.
I ship. Hard.
Will they just kiss already!!!!!!