An intruder has hijacked Twilight's dreams, but who and why will have greater consequences for Equestria than a few nightmares.
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TalltalePony
Joined 5th Sep, 2013 ·
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3201266
You're too kind. Thanks!
3201283 No thanks are required for giving a writer their just rewards.
Oh boy... This was not what I expected. I'd say, this is a whole lot better than what I expected. I hope you don't mind praise, 'cause that's what I'm about to give you.
First things first. I absolutely loved your writing style throughout this and the way you kept bringing the same concepts back without it getting old. Every time the narrator looked down to see who they were I looked forward to it. At first I was confused about what was going on, wondering if this was a Spilight, but now I'm curious about who the protagonist is. I wish you would've told us at the end, you little...
Oh, where was I again? Right. I saw no grammatical errors other than a typo, which I'll show you in a sec. Your sentences were well-crafted and flowed nicely, your word choice nearly perfect. The way this story is told in the present tense really works, even though I'm partial to past tense. You can feel proud of this one.
Here's that typo I was talking about:
Looks like you're missing an 'I' there.
Anyway, 10/10 would read again, and will keep reading. (Update soon, will you?) Thanks for the awesome writing. Glad I followed you!
3203827
Oh, B.D, you charmer.
Thanks twenty thousand tons for pointing that out to me! That discerning eye will come in handy...
For that matter, and related to the one whose eyes that story is seen through, you'll be the first to find out because
-Dramatic pause-
I want you to proof read it for me!
That is, if you're free. No pressure. I'm not done at the moment anyway.
3203854
You're welcome! And sure, I wouldn't mind proofreading for you. Sounds like fun!
3204267
Fantastic! And I would, of course, return the favor if requested.
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/f/f1/FANMADE_GoOn....gif
I want to see where this is going.
3226050
Glad you liked it! It'll be updated and concluded by the end of the week.
3226057
This sells the dreamlike state pretty effectively. I like the way some of the subtle touches ring true, like the necessity of asserting control and imposing volition to actually move. One suggestion: It begins to feel by the end of the chapter like the repetition of "I wonder what I look like" (and its variations), and "My voice is not my own" (& variations), are excessive; after the first two or three times it's already solidly established and the additional repetition adds little. If you give this chapter a later editing pass, that's worth re-examining and trimming back.
That quibble aside, this is an intriguing premise worth following. (I think now that you've established your characters and the existential crisis of the narrator, that critique will shortly become moot anyway.) I'm torn between whether the narrator is Luna (based on the story's character tags) or the antagonist hinted at in the story description (leaning toward the latter, on the presumption that the former would have sufficient experience not to have the narrator's confusion), but I suppose we'll find out shortly!
3258321
Thanks for the comment, friend! I'm inclined to agree with you on the issue of repetitiveness; I'll probably edit or completely rewrite the first chapter when I'm done with the other two.
And, uh... I'm not saying anything about what's going on here. My inconsistent muse permitting, you won't have to wait long to find out!