The Mysterious Letter
One sunny, peaceful day, everypony’s was playing outside, laughing, smiling. Nothing seemed out of place in Ponyville. Most of the Pegasi were doing their jobs, keeping the sky cleared or delivering letters. Young fillies ran around chasing each other in a playing game of tag. Over in Sweet Apples' Arches, Big MacIntosh, a red-coated Earth pony stallion with a dark yellow mane and tail, was heading over to a new friend’s on-ground home. He trotted freely on the dirt roads of Ponyville, enjoying the beautiful weather. After a while, he saw a young mare Pegasus zoom by rather uncontrollably into his friend’s home. Increasing his speed, he gallops into the house, shocked at what he sees.
"Fuyona!? Are you okay? Oh my, why if it isn't Ms. Derpy Hooves?" Mac said still in shock. Fuyona, a Lavender-coated Pegasus with a dark mane and tail and the Eighth-Note in the color of Magenta, was highlighted in her mane, laid on the floor, underneath the mare who had crashed. Mac trotted over to the mares, helping them off of each other. The crashed mare Pegasus, Derpy Hooves, shook her head before smiling at Mac and Fuyona happily as if nothing had happened. Derpy hugs the two, handing Fuyona a letter right before speaking.
"Are you okay, Fuyona? I'm sorry I had crashed into your home. I'll send a Unicorn to come fix it!" Derpy said then jetted off out the new, unwanted hole in Fuyona's home. With a sigh, Fuyona brushed herself off then looks at the letter. She says hello to Mac then opens the letter. She was shocked to see what it had said and there was no sender name.
"What's the matter, Fuyona? Angel got your tongue? What's it say?" Mac joked a bit.
"It isn't from anypony. I dunno who this is from." Fuyona replied. "Still want me to read it?" She asked Mac, who only replied by nodding.
"Eeyup." He said looking at her patiently. Fuyona looks back at the letter, closing her wings as she cleared her throat.
"Dear Fuyona,
I hope you are doing well. How are your Alicorn studies? By the looks of it, you are Princess Luna’s Student? Doesn’t look like you are doing well but keep trying. And you are probably wondering who I am. I prefer not to tell you at this current moment... You see, I am not who you think. Haha, If you are reading this out loud to somepony, I am glad you are! As you know more than anypony, you aren't doing well when other ponies bully you, huh? Stay strong, Fuyona. You have at least one friend who truly cares for you. I know I sure do. Maybe the pony at your side is the pony who truly cares about you! I hope so. Also, I overheard Rainbow Dash talking about you. She said that she wants to challenge you to a flight race in the WonderBolts training course! You've always wanted to fly there, right? So, why don't you find her and talk to her. I'm sure you two will be amazing friends!
Oops! I don't have time to write anything else. I hope you write back!"
"That's all it says, Mac.. Who is this pony? How do they know me so well?"
"Ah'm not sure, Fuyona, but try writing back."
"What's the use...? The pony didn't write their name."
"True there, Partner. But it was given to you by Derpy. That pony knows who to give it too."
"Is that true, Mac? Just seems a bit weird to me.."
"Ah'm sure. Just try it now, ya hear?"
"I hear, Mac." She grabs a bottle of ink, a feather pen and letter paper, sitting at her desk as Mac follows, standing next to her. She sighs, tapping the ground with her right fore hoof. It was odd to her. She had never written a letter before. Especially a reply letter to something like this. But she has to know who it is from. What pony knows her better then herself?
"Um... Mac..? I dunno what to say... I've never written a letter. I only receive them for my job."
"Try to question the letter, ah' reckon. Ah start like that and it surely gets me to written'."
"I'll try that.. You'll stay to help me, Mac?"
"Of course, Fuyona." Mac said to her with a smile as Fuyona smiles back. She looks back at the letter, and hums a bit. Suddenly, she has the urge to write. She writes:
"To the pony who wrote me the letter,
Excuse me if this is not a well-written letter. I honestly never written back to anypony. But, yes, I have been going through some things with most ponies and bullying.. I must be a natural born bully target. Everypony I go past makes fun of me... I dunno what I even did to anypony. Is it because of my speed? Did I do something for somepony to start a rumor about me? I feel sad and cry when I get home... I just dunno if I'm worth it anymore. I do have a wonderful friend. He's a stallion, named Big MacIntosh. He's so nice to me. His sisters are nice to me as well.
Did you say Rainbow Dash wants to race with me!? I love watching her perform with the WonderBolts! Maybe I'll try to find her. I wonder where she could be? I hope we can be friends. I hope she won't mind.
From, Fuyona."
"How's this, Mac?" She finishes the reply letter, handing it to Mac. He reads it and smiles.
"Not bad for somepony who has never written a letter before."
"You really think so? Is it good for the first attempt, Mac?" She said to Mac, blushing ever so lightly as Mac nodded.
"Sur'is, Fuyona. Why don't you give it to Derpy the next time you see her. Ah'm sure that'll be easy to do. Haha."
Before Fuyona can reply to what Mac had said, somepony knocks on her door. Fuyona goes to the door as Mac followed, opening it to find Derpy with two construction Unicorn stallions. Derpy points to the hole she made as they made their way into Fuyona's house. Mac watches the Unicorn stallions as Fuyona gives Derpy the reply letter. Derpy smiles, flapping her wings as she hugs Fuyona. After the hug, Derpy takes the reply letter and flies off somewhere.
"She sure is one odd pony. Can't blame 'er. I'm the same..." Looking back to Mac and the Unicorn stallions, she shuts her door, trotting to Mac. They talked as they do their job, Mac eyeing the Unicorns if they looked at Fuyona in some odd way. Once the Unicorn stallions finished, Fuyona went to them to thank them. The brown-coated Unicorn bows his head.
"No need for any pay, Lil'lady. Being here was all the pay we needed. You are our first customer in a few weeks."
"Oh? Are you sure? My money is a bit low but I kinda like my job. I'll pay."
"Don't worry your wings off, Cutie." Mac growls in envy as the Unicorn called Fuyona "Cutie", not wanting her in anypony else hooves. Fuyona thanked the Unicorns as they left then turned her attention back to Mac after shutting her door.
There was an awkward silence for a few minutes. Mac finally broke the silences with a sigh.
"Eenope."
"Nope...? No what, Mac?" Fuyona cocked her head to the right in confusion.
"Ah'saw the look in yer eyes. Don't be going for them.. Ah' don't want you too. It'll make me... Well... Envious."
E-envious? M-Mac... Do you... Like-like me? Both of us. Together~! Hehehe! Oh, Lemme find out first... She thought as her wings open a bit, blushing ever so lightly.
"H'm?" Mac looks at the mares reaction in her wings. "Ah've never really felt like this towards a mare before. Somethin' about you that Ah enjoy.”
Huh? He never felt what way towards a mare before? Does this mean he was a coltcuddler? Oh! So cute. I wonder who's the lucky colt? She thought again, grinning at the stallion.
This is my first ever published written piece. I have only written little stories in a personal notebook I have and will not publish those. Fuyona, my OC, is a similar reflection of me, with a few MLP:FiM twists and wishes.
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Uhh, what?
3246983 I have never wrote before this and this is not done.. I would appreciate if you did not comment like this due to it being negative on my cause.
Sorry if I am rude but... I would like it if you at least advise me or tell me what is wrong with my story that is probably shit.
Well here is my review (cracks knuckles)
You may want to sit down first, I tend to be blunt because that's how I would want it done to me...
Who is Fuyona? in a fic this short you probably want to use 'real' fake characters.
You don't put quotes in italics it looks silly and isn't necessary.
Use apostrophes correctly, Examlpe from your story:
That is very wrong. Apostrophes show possession or omitted letters. That has neither.
The voice of your verbs is all wrong, Example:
Should read something like:
Plot holes everywhere (Get your mind out off the gutter). Why does Mac growl at the unicorn at the end of the story? What did the letters accomplish? Why is Fuyona living with the Apples? Or is she just a friend? Why is there a romance tag? I saw no romance.
Grammar was poor with capitalization issues.
Most importantly... What was the purpose of a reader reading the story? I found none.
That is the most major flaw.
2/10
I'm sorry if this wasn't wanted, but you asked for a review and you got one.
My advise: read the Writing Guide, multiple times. And find a proofreader before you attempt any more stories.
3247123 Thank you for the tips.
I said this is incomplete and Fuyona is me. My main OC/ Selfy and I added that in the Author's notes.
Mac growled at the unicorns because he has taken a liking(love) to my OC Fuyona.
I meant to add that in before I published this but I'll add that in a few minutes.
In school at the current moment.
I have thought this was pretty good for a first attempt.
3247019
You want an honest review? Okay then.
My first question about your story is 'Who the hell is Fuyona and why does she have a Japanese sounding name in a setting that is closer to a fantastic western society?' The name does not fit at all, and seeing as it's the same name it makes her seem like a Self Insert.
A second question would be 'Where does she fit in with the universe?', because it's clear she doesn't. Shortly after you introduce her, you apparently say she's Luna's Student and is about to become an Alicorn. No part of that even makes sense.
Third, I ask, 'Is there actually a story, or is it just a string of words you put together with no rhyme or reason?'. There doesn't seem to be a story, and everything sort of ... Happens.
Fourth, 'Why is the Author trying to make my eyes bleed with poor grammar, terrible layout choices and in general absolutely zero visual appeal?'. Your story, without reading, looks like a Skag's pile in text form. It's all jumbled, and there just doesn't look very professional.
Fifth, 'Why is it that half of the actual tagged characters completely absent?'. I get that it's not finished, but seeing as we know literally nothing about what's going on, you should at least write up until all the characters are introduced. That way, we can actually get a feel for the story.
3247254
Wow. Um...
Well uh first question... I already answered that in a different comment:
And I can have my name whatever I want. It is Japanese and I prefer not to say what it means. My name has a painful past I can't and wouldn't get rid of. I like my name.
Second, you are right. She doesn't fit. She is meant to have no place. She will when I add more chapters.
Third, this will be a actual story if I can finish the chapter.
Fourth, wow. How rude.
Lastly, this is incomplete. Dr. Hooves will be in the next chapter if I can find the strength to continue... I now feel shameful again.
3247309 So your character is a self-insert relationship sue?
3247326 A what.
3247329 Well, A relationship sue is a character created for the sole purpose of being in a romantic relationship, as well as being a sub-class of Mary-sue.
A self-insert is a character based on the author.
Therefore, your character is a self-insert relationship sue.
Also, your character is one that is also a more traditional Mary-sue because of the factors that she's apparently insanely important as well as attractive enough for a character to apparently be in love with for no real reason, despite the fact that said character's existence would alter the course of Canon to the point of incomprehensibility.
3247366 I kinda have no idea what you said but I added a bit to clear up why Mac growled at the Unicorns.
3247240
I'm sorry, but no. The honest truth is I can find no redeeming qualitys in this story that would make me want to read this further.
3247326
Sounds about right.
3247329
Read the writing guide. A mary stu is basically a person who has only good things happen to them. Getting with Big Mac+Lunas student+having ponies fix stuff for free+Alicorn= MARY STU. And this is only the first chapter. (Alicorness is almost a guarenteed Mary Stu even if you some how made it make sense)
3247421
I wasn't gonna actually be a Alicorn in this.
Would you prefer me to take that out?
This story is based on a small part of my life, with MLP:FiM twists and wishes.(As I said in the Author's Notes)
I'm pretty lucky with most things in life,
being how I am still alive, for example... Unfortunately...I never thought writing a story could be so hard....
3247447 Rule one for writing fiction; Make sure to not base it on real events.
3247465 I just wanted this to be inspirational...
3247467 There are rules to fiction, and if you don't follow them, things don't end well. The readers here don't take well to self-inserts and Mary-sues.
Well. I'm new. Shoot me and I'm not joking.
I have no idea how to write.
If I make it.. Like... Uh... *Sighs*
3247486
Its nothing to be ashamed about, you are just clearly not gifted in the art of writing. However, writing is a skill, meaning you CAN improve.
3247497 Well. I do not know how to respond to that...
3247499
Did my positive/negative/polite insult/encouragement confuse you?
3247467
Polishing takes rough grit, the more polishing needed the more course the grit. Take the advice here not as cynicism but as lapping powder. Use it to polish your next chapter. I think you could write an inspirational story if you want to, just take your time and polish it a bit.
Also ignore that guy who said something about the name of your character. The only thing out of place about it is the fact it is more normal than Fluttershy - Twilight Sparkle - Applebloom. Applebloom, HA, goodluck making friends with a name like that. It's almost kind of sad really. Being named after objects that is. What if one of them was named Toilet Water, because her mom's prom night didn't go well? That pony would be messed up for life. FOR LIFE! Every time some pony wanted to talk to her it would remind her that she is no more than the culmination of bad planning and bad timing. And it get worse! They all have skills, jobs, and cutie marks associated with their name! What's your job? Ha ha ha.
But I digress.
It is your story. The variables are yours alone to set.
So chin up and keep writing!
3247619 Aww, thank you.
3247512 Yes.
If you ever feel like continuing, and I highly recommend you do, I'd gladly proofread/edit for you.