The Forest
The Forest
Above the rustling treetops, an endless ocean of stars shimmered. Weak gusts of wind flew through the shady trees. A heavy fog, like blood, came seeping from the depths of the forest.
A shadow lay limp on the forest floor. One could have easily mistaken it for a corpse but the faint pulse of a breathing heart proved otherwise. Dead leaves sailed around the white body, slowly forming her last resting place under the stars.
Suddenly, the shadow groaned, scaring a couple of brave forest animals daunt. It shook its sore head, causing it to gasp in pain. Leaves swirled up into the air, only to be grabbed by the bitter wind and hurled into the depths of the forest. Slowly, her eyesight cleared, and the creature only now took notice of her current whereabouts. The white creature clumsily rose to her hooves, the forest observing her every move with an expressionless attention.
As the battered pony staggered into the fog, detached questions popped up in her throbbing head. But one question definitely described her state of mind best: “What the hell?”
Besides from not knowing what she was doing in a creepy forest in the black of night, she also had troubles remembering her name. She sarcastically wondered if she had had one too many apple ciders but she couldn't remember drinking any. She couldn't even remember what apple cider tasted like, in fact she couldn't remember anything. It was as if she had been born just now, of course that couldn't be the case and the cream colored pony cautiously trotted further into the unending fog.
As she walked she was able to gather her thoughts, but the conclusion she drew from her ignorance made her terrified heart beat so fast she thought it would flee from her chest. To calm herself she sat down by a tree and too a deep breath. Maybe she was just dreaming, maybe she would wake up soon. She tried pinching herself, but it just hurt.
“Ow!!!” she scoffed and then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a tree. There were many trees in the forest, but this one was dead, and it had two holes that resembled eyes. At first it creeped the oats out of her, staring into those unseeing eye-holes, but then she got an amazing idea. Well, not amazing, but it could work. She hesitantly walked up to the tree, those eyes were even more frightening up close, and she considered just leaving the tree to its own rotting misery. Instead she expectantly said:
“Well, umm... Hello mister... Eeeh... Tree! My name is... is...” she could feel a word on the tip of her tongue, just out of reach. The creeping fear from before had vanished and made way for a burning irritation.
“Oh this is stupid!” She looked angrily at the tree, then sighed. The mare closed her eyes and concentrated as hard as she could.
“Who goes there?” The pony opened her eyes, completely taken off guard. The voice seemed to have come from inside the tree. Without thinking she answered: “Oh I'm Tricky of course.”
As the words left her mouth she covered it as if she had sworn. Then she burst out laughing.
“Yes, that's it! I'm Tricky! YES!” Tricky jumped up and down, in the excitement she couldn't quite hear what the tree said next:
“It's her, she's here.”
“What?” Tricky looked at the tree, perplexed. Only the depressing silence of the forest answered her. She took a closer look at the tree and leaped back in surprise. It had no eyes, or even holes. The happiness seemed to wash away from her face. Tricky nonchalantly scuffed at the tree. As she walked away she couldn't help but look back at the tree, its snaring branches seemed to reach out after her and unwillingly she quickened her pace.
Some time had passed since she'd left the tree. The forest had long ago drained the happiness out of Tricky and a gnawing hunger had taken its place. Her thoughts frequently wandered back to the talking tree even though she had already convinced herself that the voice had been nothing but her own imagination, playing tricks on her.
But what if...?
She was mad at herself for thinking such things, trees couldn't talk! Still, she couldn't deny that something was odd about this forest. It felt like she had been walking for hours but it wasn't getting any brighter, or even darker for that matter. It was as if time didn't exist in the forest. Her imagination was pretty much running around free in the forest, making her see everything from chanting beavers and a pale faceless pony lurking in the shadows. Even her ears were playing tricks on her. Every now and then she heard a sort of... giggle, chasing her. It felt real, but then again so did the beavers...
The obvious thing to do would of course have been to call out in hopes of somepony answering, but exactly because of that she couldn't bring herself to. Tricky couldn't shake off the feeling that she was being watched and she dreaded for her assumptions to turn out to be true.
Everywhere she looked a sneaking shadow seemed to follow her. She kept on telling herself it was just her imagination, like the giggles and beavers.
She quickened her pace but didn't start running. If somepony was out there she didn't want to to appear weak. Somewhere behind her the giggle followed.
Speaking of the devil... Tricky couldn't bring herself to suck it up, turn around and face whatever was or wasn't there. So she ignored it, and held her pace even though she wanted to run as fast as she could, screaming on top of her lungs until she had none left.
This place was making her nuts. She had to find a way out but aimlessly walking around wasn't helping. Her legs were aching, her head felt like it was floating somewhere to her right and her heart was once again desperately trying to flee from her chest. The hunger and her need for sleep were not a good combination, add the fear and you got a real Molotov Cocktail.
The harder she tried to to force open her eyelids the heavier they became. She hardly noticed how she stumbled over a tree root. Tricky was sleeping before she hit the ground.
It was still dark when she woke up. She probably would have slept for another hour if it wasn't for the icy wind. As Tricky slowly escaped the claws of a seemingly endless nightmare she glimpsed something moving in the shadows. Her entire body tensed, somewhere she heard a bush move. Then, heavy hoof steps coming straight towards her.
“Hello?” The forest was as quiet as a graveyard.
Then, a horrible hissing voice giggled, it was the most wicked sound she'd ever heard, not that she would remember.
“Hello?” She could hear her voice crack, it was humiliating, but she couldn't care less. A figure moved towards her from the shadows, giggling at her fear. Tricky didn't need convincing, she jolted up and fled for her life. It was real.
Why were they following her? What had she done?
No, I have to keep calm. Keep calm Tricky, keep it together.
A tiny, evil sounding voice in her head whispered, two words, two words that terrified her to death:
What if?
What if...? What if its revenge? What if I killed somepony, and now THEY were after revenge? What if I killed, and it was so traumatizing that I blocked it? Oh stop it this is ridiculous! But... I can't remember anything. What if... What if I killed EVERYPONY? I mean shouldn't creepy woods always be crawling with teens or some crazy ghost hunters? Ghosts... What if she was being chased by ghosts? What if she was cursed? But who would have cursed her? STOP IT, YOU are being absolutely ridiculous, ghosts don't exist!
Tricky could hear the giggles getting closer, they were steadily catching up on her. Adrenaline rushed up to her head, fueling her imagination.
What if this isn't real? What if I'm going to die... what if I already am dead? What if THIS is hell? What if I will have to go on like this for all eternity? What if I'll never get to eat?
As if to mock her, her stomach growled bitterly.
All around her shadows lurked, chased her, laughed at her. Behind her, she heard heavy steps approaching. Sweat dripped down her back, into her eyes, mouth. She could feel her pulse, drumming in her ears, deafening her from the malicious giggles surrounding her. She could feel something grabbing her, trying to draw her back into the shadows. Right then, right there, she knew she was going to die.
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Ohmahcelestia this is amazing
Okay, I think I can see that you're major problem so far is formatting.
Don't worry, I still have this problem sometimes.
Many of your paragraphs and sentences are to clumped together creating a 'wall of text' that's fine for a novel, but here on the internet that really bugs people as they feel like they are getting a whole lot of information just thrown at them and find it either annoying or tedious to read all of the way through.
I hope this helps.
Hm... I'm having a pretty hard time critiquing this, considering that this is pretty amazing quality for your first story. That being said, there are some problems in it. You tend do a lot of 'telling' instead of showing. You tend to list actions, without describing what's going on in detail or how characters are feeling. An easy way to fix this would be to take some of the adverbs off of your actions, and instead describe how the character is feeling/acting. Overall all though? It's pretty good. Just work on your show vs. tell, and buff out some of the grammatical mistakes, and you'll have a golden story!
I enjoy this, mainly because it makes me realize how plentiful the 'amnesia' opening is. I will put it on my read later list, for it seems interesting. See you soon ☺.
Hooves. 'cause I'm sure ponies don't have feet. Oh god, horse feet... not actually that weird, if you add a few extra bones to some hooves, it looks kinda like something a dinosaur would have.
Missing a comma. This , thing, in between fog and detached.
With... hooves...? Meh, I'll let it slip. That's what mouths are for!
'but that just hurt.' I take it you're also a writer that writes quickly as ideas flow faster than you can type. I know that feel.
I believe ponies have 'tartours' or something instead of hell, but that's only for massive writers who spend their lives devoted to their stuff. Still, it's a nice touch to add... might want to check my spelling of it though...
THAT I like very much. Adds the perfect creepy vibe for the circumstance. Also, you spelt 'awnsered' wrong. It's: 'answered'.
Ha. She's boned.
As she neared the strange animals, the chanting became clearer.
"Baby, baby, baby, oooh!"
I'm a bad person!
an' or and.
That is one heavy sleeper. I bet she'd do the same thing in front of Celestia, and that wouldn't end well. Anyway, 'sleeping' doesn't quite fit the bill here, so I'm thinking maybe 'Tricky had fainted' or 'Tricky was dead to the world' might be better suited. Your choice though.
'i' should be capital.
Missing a extra dot and a space... I think...
That would also be my greatest concern. Right next to missing out on Draft Crown Cola.
Not bad, not bad at all! This is certainly something new and I hope it all plays out smoothly. I'd like to read the next chapter right away, but I'm a tad tired, it being midnight and all.
See you tomorrow! AND PLAY KATAWA SHOUJO!!
This is a problem many new writers have. They often switch tenses from 3rd to 1st person pov.
Why were they following her? What had she done? No, I have to keep calm. She kept telling herself to stay calm to the point it became a ritual. Keep calm Tricky, keep it together.
What helps me when I do that is to think like I am narrating a story to a friend. It didn't happen to me, so I can't use 'I', 'You', or 'Me'.