1. Member Since 6th Dec, 2011
  2. offline for 6w, 4h

DawnFade


This account is no longer in use. I'm leaving it up so people can read my stuff. If you need to contact me, send an email to dawnfade@gmail.com


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A series of brutal murders seize the attention of the worlds greatest consulting detective.

Soon after meeting his eventual partner Jog Watson, Holmes must contend with the Butterfly Killer, a serial murderer who only kills when it rains and always leaves a dead butterfly with the victim.

The only suspects: a classroom of young ponies.

First Published
5th Mar 2012
Last Modified
26th Apr 2012
#1 · 147w, 1d ago · · · Act One ·

"As the odd one out, eyes would flicker to it for a moment before moving away, never a second thought."

Perhaps that could be: "Never given a second thought" at the end there?

"Just a slight tremble in the wrinkles at the corners of her mouth was all the visible indication that something might be wrong."

I dion't know why, but that just doesn't read well to me... I don't have any suggestions either.  Sorry.

Also, if you want me to edit this comment before you publish it so people don't see it, just lemme know.  I'd PM you, but this is a bit easier for me lol.

And holy shit.... this be interesting...

#2 · 147w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 ·

"As he trotted away I wondered if he meant his soldiers or the bathroom."

That kidna interrupts the whole mood of the story for me, I recommend you take it out, but it's your choice.  

Rest of the chapter seems rather nice. I like this story so far, but one question.  Is this based upon the idea of Sherlock Holmes, or is it a pony adaptation and summary?  I've never read the Sherlock Holmes books, so i wouldn't know.  Either way, I like it :D

#3 · 147w, 1d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>258303

Fixed, and I rewrote that line so hopefully it works better.

Also, don't worry about the comments. Somepony might find it interesting to see your edits, I know I often wonder what some stories were like before editing.

>>258352

Changed that line to something a little less out of place.

It's my own (ponified) take on Sherlock Holmes, but it draws from several adaptations and sources. The story is completely original though (at least I hope it is) because it's actually using the plot from a story I planned but never wrote, where the murders were written from the killer's point of view and we could see why they did what they did. Since I never finished it, I decided to take the ideas I liked and give them new life in this story instead.

I'm glad you like it :D and a little surprised at how few edits there were. I always expect to make mountains of mistakes.

#4 · 146w, 18h ago · · · Part 2 ·

Holmes chuckled. “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

Fun fact!  That was NEVER said in any Sherlock Holmes book. I lold anyways, cuz it was out of context.

Not any grammar errors, but something I've noticed you tend to do is make short, choppy sentences a lot when describing or during monologues.  But they work, because in both Harrowed Crown and this story where I've seen most of them, the are 1st person past tense stories.  Journal entries, literally for Harrowed Crown and more or less so for this story (it is, scratch the fact he wouldn't be able to remember word for word dialogue).  Anyway, I thought I'd point that out, but it works well as a literary device in my opinion, makes it feel like a legitimate diary/journal entry.  In short, nice work!

But honestly, you don't really need me.  I can't remember the last time I've found an error, lol.  By the way, am I your only prereader, or do I just get to them first? lol

#5 · 146w, 14h ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>287696

Heh, yeah the elementary thing was a bit silly but I couldn't resist.

Thanks for the help :)

You're not my only prereader, but of the 6 I first contacted only you and Statoose have kept replying. It's understandable (prereading can be bloody boring) so I just keep bugging you instead of stacking messages in their inboxes.

#6 · 146w, 13h ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>288605

Prereading is not boring at all!  I love doing it, especially for a talented writer such as yourself.  If this one doesn't get a good response from the public, then I don't know what.  It's truly awesome, and though I'm sure this crossover has been done before, it's definitely rare and awesome!  I am honored to be your prereader, and know that you deserve ten time the attention that you do get.

#7 · 146w, 7h ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>288835

Aw shucks, you made my day with that comment :)

Yeah, I actually started this because I saw another crossover (called Sherlock Hooves or something) and, being as conceited as I am, thought "I can do better than this!" and started planning straight away.

I was just thinking something, you clearly have the technical skills to write some good stories, but you have only posted one on this site. I'd love to return the favour if you ever decide to post more.

#8 · 146w, 2h ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>290295

Sure thing, ill let ya know if i do ever get around to it.

#9 · 145w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

A challenger appears!

(Pretty good fic, btw)

#10 · 145w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

Really good so far..

#11 · 145w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

I was iffy at first but you seem to have captured the characters wonderfully and I really look forward to the rest.

#12 · 145w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>291167

Thank you :)

I must say, your +80,000 word Sherlock story is rather intimidating.

#13 · 145w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>294336

roar, I am very scary!

Actually, I'm interested to see where this goes.

do write more, my good sir :eeyup:

#14 · 145w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 ·

My friend, you had me by the second paragraph.  This story is immersive, fascinating, and inspiring.  It's a sin that it hasn't received a wider audience, even in its fledgling state.  I'll be waiting with much anticipation for the next installment!

#15 · 145w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>295634

The second paragraph of the prologue or the first chapter? I'd love to know :)

Thank you very much for the kind words, there's plenty more to come of this story.

#16 · 145w, 5d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>296254

The prologue, honestly.  Just from the style of the first line, I knew I was getting into something good.  The pacing and structure was quite unique.  Though I really started to get drawn in when Watson first forays into the city.  Your descriptors and generous personification really bring the story to life.

#17 · 145w, 6h ago · · · Part 1 ·

In light of such intellectuals commenting upon this wondrous work of literature, I must also offer up my own brilliant analysis.

omgomg dude dis is like so totally freakin awesome. like, no lie bro i was like :pinkiegasp: and then i was like :applejackconfused: but then i was like :pinkiehappy: cuz freakin sweet writing. like, for real.

:moustache:

#18 · 145w, 4h ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>314767

Your words are beautiful in their simplicity and sublime in their complexity. Truly, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

#19 · 144w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>314956 :trixieshiftright: Can't tell if appreciative, or sarcastic. :trollestia: haha

#20 · 144w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>318031

Appreciative AND sarcastic! :D

#21 · 144w, 6d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>318217 ITS THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!! :pinkiehappy:

#22 · 144w, 4d ago · · · Part 1 ·

I have to warn you, I am a HUGE Sherlock Holmes fan, so I am extremely picky when it comes to anything based on those stories. :trixieshiftright:

That said, so far I'm pretty impressed with what I've seen. You've done a good job making the setting feel like 19th century London. Also you do a really good job at blending the happy pony universe with the much darker Sherlock universe. The initial mystery set up is fantastic, instantly catching the readers attention, and starting me looking for clues.

Finally, I think that your interpretation of Watson is extremely well done as he definitely fits in to both universes. What little we see of Holmes is also a very good interpretation of the character, and I can't wait to see more of his antics.

I'm holding off full review until we see more of the detective in action, but well done so far. I'm definitely excited to see how this one ends up. :scootangel:

#23 · 144w, 3d ago · · · Part 1 ·

>>325827

Thank you very much!

Hopefully the next chapters will live up to your expectations :)

#24 · 144w, 1d ago · · · Part 2 ·

This is brilliant. It's exactly what you'd expect from a good Sherlock Holmes ponyfic.

#25 · 144w, 1d ago · · · Part 2 ·

Yes.. Been waiting for this :twilightsheepish:

Keep it up man, it's a gold story..

#26 · 144w, 1d ago · · · Part 2 ·

Awesome.

#27 · 144w, 14h ago · · · Part 2 ·

Excellent work, great writing.  My one criticism is that it doesn't quite feel, well, pony-ish enough?  It's very easy to feel that I'm reading a typical Sherlock Holmes story as opposed to one set in the Ponyverse.  'Course, I'm not sure how to make it more pony-ish, though...

#28 · 144w, 14h ago · · · Part 2 ·

The theme for "Sherlock" is playing in my head as I read this. Tracking.

#29 · 144w, 12h ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>338745

I understand exactly what you mean.

I'm just not sure how to make it more pony-ish. It's a serious story, but there have been serious pony stories before. Maybe it's because I use the proper names (Holmes, Watson) instead of their ponyfied first names. If you think of any suggestions to make it more ponyfied, let me know.

#30 · 144w, 9h ago · · · Part 2 ·

While I agree the whole "Pony" atmosphere is a bit hard to maintain while reading, the fact that I just got finished watching an episode of Sherlock starring Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't help.

I have to say that this story is what convinced me to get an account to this site specifically so I could follow it. (There were other reasons and I was considering it already but this was the last straw. I needed to be kept up to date on this saga)

Everything about this feels right. It feels like Sherlock style deduction. Only Sherlock would think to interview young fillies and colts to find a murderer. I'm drawn in to the mystery and want to know much much more. The characters are charming and funny. It feels exactly what a journal entry by a whirl-winded John Watson just back from his first day on the case would read like. Just careful to make subsequent entries a little more... Thorough? No, not quite what I'm thinking of. Substantial? No... I don't know, I just feel this story needs a little je ne sais quoi later on. But it feels like it's going on the right track, and what is already before me works perfectly with no changes.

Thank you for delivering such a fine story to us. Best wishes and keep up the brilliant work!

#31 · 143w, 6d ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>339307

After thinking it over, I realized what was missing: pegasi and unicorns.  They're a key part of Equestria, and have yet to really feature in your story.

Adding them opens whole new dimensions to the mystery, especially given their abilities.  Don't forget to consider the implications that intelligent wildlife has on the case as well.

#32 · 143w, 6d ago · · · Part 2 ·

>>341960

Great minds think alike, wow.

I'm actually addressing that in chapter 4. Thanks for confirming that it's the right thing to do :)

#33 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

You continue to amaze me; not only is your writing style eerily similar to that of the stories themselves, but the characterisation, comedic elements, the story itself...

Amazing.

You've taken my thumb and my star.

- Midnight Specter

#35 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

Watson Teevee.

Oh yes, you did.

Seriously, though, you've drawn me in with the characters, their flaws, their banter, their attitude, it's amazingly well done.

#36 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

I was going to call you on giving Watson such an alliterative line, but then Holmes did my work for me. :twilightsmile:

...you didn't. "Watson Teevee"?  Yow.  You planned that! :trollestia:

I am now suspecting you of planning to ship Watson and Holmes.  There are several signs in this chapter. :facehoof:

I can't wait to see where the story goes next!  Who knows what the killer may be planning at this very moment... :fluttershysad:

#37 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>362532

Don't worry, I'll take good care of your thumb and your star. Seriously though, that means a lot to me.

>>363684

Thank you very much! I still giggle at the Teevee part, and I'm the one who wrote it.

>>364016

Heh, yes, Holmes and I share the opinion that alliteration should be avoided in normal conversation.

I'm glad another person enjoyed Watson Teevee, I was worried it would break immersion.

Afraid I can't say anything about who might be shipped with who.

Thanks so much for reading! I'm going to update every seven days.

#38 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>364115

I'm not even kidding about the writing style; I'm actually reading 'The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes' right now and, suffice to say, the only difference my untrained eye sees between the two are some subtle pop culture references, some technology that isn't existent in Holmes' time (actually I quite liked the 'Watson Teevee joke, too :rainbowlaugh:), and the fact that these guys are ponies, not men.

You're doing a brilliant job.

- Midnight

#39 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>364336

Wow, really? I was trying to emulate the writing style a little bit but I didn't know it was that accurate!

Comments like yours... seriously, keep that up and I'll be proposing to you within the month. Writers love getting complimented.

#40 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>364349

Heh, tell me about it :moustache:

I'll give you a real analysis when you hit the last chapter, but I can already tell you this; if you don't keep writing Fetlock Holmes afterwards, I will find you.

:pinkiecrazy:

Also, I like the fact that you actually used the name 'Fetlock'. Most of the time you see all of these silly "Sherclop Pones," or "Shercolt," or whatever other badly made ponifications there are, when even a basic understanding of equine anatomy gives you what's easily the most natural-sounding iteration; Fetlock Holmes.

Uh... I suppose you can tell I've been quite annoyed by that :rainbowlaugh:

Jog Watson isn't so bad, either :pinkiesmile:


- Midnight

#41 · 143w, 1d ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>364390

Oh god! Must keep writing, must keep writing!

Thanks, I didn't really want to use Sherclop or Shercolt because they had been done so many times, and I always want my stories to be at least a little bit unique.

Jog Watson nearly did my head in! I was going through more equine terminology sites than I ever thought existed. In the end, after being defeated by the J section so many times, I settled on Jog: Western discipline term for a slow trot. Gah, the things I do for ponies.

#42 · 143w, 17h ago · · · Part 3 ·

Am I the only one who doesn't get "Watson Teevee?"

Yes.  Yes I am.

#43 · 143w, 16h ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>365512

As in... "Watchin TV".

...Pfft...heheh... :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

>>364418

Well it paid off; I love it!

Now get onto that next chapter :pinkiehappy:

- Midnight

#45 · 143w, 13h ago · · · Part 3 ·

Im a terrible prereader, i need to get back into the swing of it

Artefact should be artifact

Awesome chapyer, btw.

#46 · 143w, 9h ago · · · Part 1 ·

It seems like it's written as a journal. Everything, apart from actual conversation, is past tense. Then at the end it jumps to the present. Not a complaint by the way, I am merely taking after Holmes and observing rather than just seeing, or reading as the case may be. Which is actually a challenge if you ain't intellectually minded. That and I'm already way too interested to stop reading. :pinkiehappy:

Oh and all of the above, not counting the "I'm interested" part, could just be a load of crap on my end.

#47 · 143w, 7h ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>367817

Don't worry, I too sometimes wonder if I'm writing complete nonsense, especially when there are philosophical parts.

Glad you're enjoying it :)

#48 · 143w, 4h ago · · · Part 3 ·

Wow. I must agree, your writing is amazingly similar to that of Arthur Conan Doyle. I'm a great fan of his works so consider this a big copliment :twilightsmile: Holmes's personality is something very difficult to write about convincingly, but you did an incredibly good job so far.

I had to read the comments to get the "Watson Teevee" joke, though, but it's because English is not my mother tongue, so I find it hard to notice puns like that unless they're explicitly stated. I want more, please don't let me down :applecry::pinkiehappy:

#49 · 143w, 2h ago · · · Part 3 ·

>>368787

How could I let down someone who leaves a comment like that?! There is much more to come! :)

#50 · 142w, 6d ago · · · Part 3 ·

Eff yeah Fetlock Holmes!! I love the "enter his mind" bit.

Sad that I haven't read the originals, but this is giving me a good indication on how they might be.

All in all, this story is amazing, though I would like to see a unicorn or Pegasus. Can't wait for the next chapter :D:pinkiehappy:

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