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GOING PONY
Day Four: Schooled Lunch
By Sunshine Laughter
CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA
"And she's looking at it. She's giving it a stare... will she sniff it?"
CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA
"The ponies at the table are drumming as hard as they can, it's First Meal As A Pony with Sunshine Laughter, and she is facing her first test, a big bowl of fresh green Equestrian hay, and.... is she? ... is she?"
Millie! I tried this stuff back when I was human. It tasted like... like bad. How can I be expected to...
CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA
"Just sniff it. Seriously. Just do that much. Just give it a good sniff. For me.
CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA
"Hurry up! We're getting tired, and I don't think this table can take much more!"
"Yeah! Jan's right! Just eat it already! My cannons are starting to ache!"
CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA CLOPPIDA
Alright, alright... hay. Breakfast of Thoroughbreds. I can do this. SNIFF. Hmmm! Om nom nom...
"YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
"Wow, look at her go!"
"Finally we can stop drumming. Ow... my fetlocks hurt too!"
"Gosh, I know, and my cannons feel like somepony kicked me in them."
"Well, Sunshine, what do you think? Good, right?"
Um... nom om num... ah, well... I have to say I am ...ulp... amazed. Just amazed. I mean, as a human, this stuff was just... bad. But as a pony, well! How do I even describe it? It's... it's kind of the same, but... different, and I'm not sure how to say how it is different. I mean, it still smells like hay, and it kind of tastes like hay, but... it's that my brain says that hay is the best thing ever.
OK, I know how to put this, I think. You know that fifth flavor? That one that is made up of that chemical.... the Japanese made up the name for it?
"Umami? It's the taste of glutamates and nucleotides and stuff. All the savory things in food."
Yeah, that's it. Umami. Hay is like TOTAL umami now. It just... it's just like the best flavor ever. It's kind of sweet, but not sugary or anything, and there is this green, springtime, clean kind of freshness, and almost a little sort of lime quality to it, only it has total savoriness to it. I had a synthesteak once, real juicy, real tasty, and hay is better. It tastes like a happy spring day, being taken on an envirodome tour in kindergarten, you know, when they show the kids what Nature used to be like?"
"I lived in the favela, Sunshine. They didn't have tours to things like that. They didn't have kindergarten either."
Um, sorry Millie. Well, they did for me, and one time I got to go. The dome had grass growing, real grass, and dandelions, and it smelled wonderful. The air, the warmth... it was just so nice. When I saw the first holos of Equestria, that memory is what made me want to go there so bad. I figure Equestria must be like that all the time!
Anyway, folks out there in holocorder land, hay kind of tastes like that sort of 'springtime in the dome' smells like, only savory. Really, really savory. It's like my tongue can't get enough of it. I have to chew the stalks, or blades, or whatever, and the flavor just comes out and fills my mouth and it is just... sooo... good. I never thought I could feel this way about vegetable matter. Sweet, savory, kind of that carbohydrate thing going on too, so it is satisfying, and... there's this little tang in there. It's not spicy, exactly, but...
"Try a carrot! Try one. Here. Try this.'
Om nom, um... UM! Wow! Ok, now that kind of tastes spicy-sweet. That is so weird. I've had carrots here, but now... now as a pony... there is just so much depth. There is flavor there that I couldn't pick up on before. This is like some kind of snack-chip or something. Oh, wow. I thought hay was good but...
"Now alfalfa! Do the alfalfa!"
Ok, Ok, Jan, alfalfa next... whoa... that's really different from the hay. Like fancy oniony or garlicky stuff. No, not quite like that, but... Super rich. Like... extra umami and a lot more of the carbos in there. It tastes... almost decadent. I bet it's fattening, the way it tastes. If hay is... mashed potatoes... then alfalfa is... steak. Sort of. I've only ever had synthesteak anyway... woah, I can't eat meat ever again. No more vat-grown meat, not ever again. Huh. But then, I guess I don't mind, because this stuff...
"Oooh! Now try pie! You were so worried about that! Here, eat this. It's peach pie, your favorite. At least you really seemed to like it, remember?"
Oh, Millicent. Peach pie. I have to try this. Here goes. Om. Nom.... ohhhh.... OHHHHHH OHHH MY MUFFIN GLGLGHHHH....
"Is she going to be alright?"
"Sunshine? Sunshine? SUUUnnnnnSHHHiiine? Hello?"
Oh... oh my muffin... oh... just... gimme a moment, alright? Holy Celestia.... Holy Luna in the Garden of the Night. I... I just...
"I think she still likes pie as a pony."
"It seems safe to say."
"You're alright, right Sunshine?"
Yeah... yeah... I'm fine... I think. It's just.... wow. I mean... wow. I can't... I can't eat any more of that. It's just too much. Not right now. More hay. Nice, simple hay. Om. Om nom. Hay. Mmm...
"I think she blew a fuse or something."
"I had that reaction with brownies."
"What, the ones we had the other day, Goldenrod?"
"No.. No... it was before that. Almost a week ago, they had brownies then, too. The chocolate was just so... it was too much. I thought I was going to just keel over. It was the day of my conversion. I was almost afraid to eat the brownies again. It was easier this time. I guess it takes time to get used to having better senses."
"You know I didn't have that problem, not like that."
"Jan? Seriously?"
"Well, I am not saying I was not overwhelmed. I am just saying that it was something I felt I could handle, that's all."
"If you could handle it, then you weren't overwhelmed. I mean, not really. Because of what the word means, you know?"
"Well, yes. I concede that point but..."
Will you two... just... oh, my. I like hay. I like alfalfa. And I like peach pie, but maybe not right now. Not until I get used to this. It is just so... much.
OK, everypony out there, protip: when you go pony, everything is brighter, more colorful, and tastes and smells way better. So... take it slow, and take it easy, and nibble. The protip is nibble, especially pie. Hay is safe, and so is alfalfa, but pie is dangerous because it is gooder than good. I literally don't have the words. I have never experienced pie, ever before in my life, until this moment, today, right now. This was my very first pie. No other pie counts. That's all I can say about it.
I am actually afraid now, to try this apple here. There are thresholds of... pleasure, I guess... I mean, yes it was pleasure but... it was just so... intense... that it almost hurt, if you know what I mean. I... I guess what I am trying to say here is that being a pony in no way reduces the joy of food. I am betting that unless we burn calories a lot better than Earth life does, I am going to be a huge sphere in about a year from now. Food is just that good.
I was afraid, I was wrong, and I completely admit that.
That's kind of a running thing, isn't it?
"Sunshine?"
Well, I've been willing to do this, to go pony, and I've tried to really go for it, jump in with all four legs and everything, as best I could, but I have been a little afraid, too.
"That's only understandable. It is total bodily transmogrification, after all."
That's very true, Jan. Total. Mind and body and everything. But... as scary as that seems, it really isn't as weird feeling as it's made out to be, and I think what worry I did have was... more than this deserved. Walking was easier than I thought it would be, and eating... I definitely haven't lost anything in that area. So far, I have not found a valid downside.
"There's a big one coming up."
Huh? What, Jan?
"You can only carry one thing at a time. Unless you have saddlebags, or can balance something on your back, we've only got one grip, which is our mouth. A little bit our tail. You can kind of carry light things with your tail. But... unless you've got a horn, like me - only I still can't float things well - you have use your mouth. And that means more trips, and more time to do anything."
"Yeah, that is true. I was with Aquamarine last night, and we tried playing chess. Putting all the pieces out and back was a bit of a chore, even with both of us, because we had to use our teeth, and it's one piece at a time... well, except for the one time Aqua managed to get two in one bite."
"Yeah! I got two pawns at the same time! it was cool! Goldenrod couldn't do it!"
"She's right, I couldn't. So that's a downside. Two hands are pretty useful. Of course if you sit, you can use your hooves, at least on larger things, but small things like chess pieces, no. And for carrying, you can't use your hooves, of course."
"I can."
You can what, Jan?
"I can walk and use a hoof to carry something. Here, I'll show you with this cup. See, I just grab the cup in my fetlock, right? Now all you do is walk with three legs. It's. A. Little. Hoppy. But. It. Works. See?"
She did it. You have to admit, she did it.
"OK, OK, I admit it's possible. But if that cup was full, you would've spilled everywhere, Jan!"
"I am not saying it would work for a full-up cup of juice or anything. But it does work, and it is one more way to move things about."
Jan... I think it is kind of amazing. I mean, you're the only unicorn in our group, in the Breakfast Pony Club, and you are the one with the horn and all, yet you seem to have all the non-magical ways to carry things and move things down better than any of us, and we don't have horns. I mean, Millie, Goldenrod, Aquamarine, and Honeydrizzle are all earthponies, me and Samantha here are both pegasai, you are the only unicorn, and yet you've got all the moves. What's up with that? Did you study pony locomotion or something?
"Well... actually... it is because I am worried about my magical abilities. I am not kidding when I say I cannot use my horn well. Even my magic instructor is baffled. I still can't move anything beyond making a marble roll around. I haven't even lifted it up off the ground. It may be that... I just won't be very... capable... as a unicorn. So I figured I had better learn how to get by with what I can do."
"Oh, Jan, we never realized it was that serious!"
"No, we had no idea!. I mean I remember you mentioned that..."
"Hush. I'm sure it will work out, one way or another. Periwinkle, the magic teacher says there are some exercises I can try, and that there are other things too... and if I can't use my horn, well, I'm still a pony, and I can darn well use my own good hooves and teeth like anypony else. It's no big deal. I mean, yes, I would like to use magic, but... if that doesn't happen, well, then I'll just deal with it."
Well, that's something I've never heard about. Something new, for all of you out there. Apparently, occasionally, some newfoals may end up having some trouble accessing their special abilities. Who knows, I have wings, for all I know, maybe I won't be able to fly. I hadn't even thought of that. But then again, heights terrify the... cinnamon out of me, so... maybe that would actually be OK.
Then again, maybe it's only a temporary thing. All I know is I am impressed with the things you've worked out, Jan, and I think they are really helpful to know.
"Yes! Me too!"
"I didn't even think of the three-legged carrying thing."
"Well... Thank you. I just figure that I should have some options in case things don't work out for me... magically."
Is there anything we could do to help? I mean... I guess... Well, I guess I'm pretty useless, trying to help a unicorn, aren't I? Hey, if you need one of my feathers or anything...
"Feathers! For what?"
Um... I don't know. Don't they need stuff like that in magic?
"You're thinking of magical reagents, like in RPG's and in stories and stuff, Sunshine. I don't think unicorns need stuff like that."
Well.. I... Oh. Duh.
"Sunshine, your thought is appreciated. I assure you that if it turns out I need a pegasus feather, you will be the first pony I think of."
Thank you... Jan. Gah. Well, anyway, this was a wonderful lunch, in any case, huh?
"From the way you reacted to that pie, I'm jealous!"
"hee!"
"Ha ha ha!"
Yeah, well... that was some pretty amazing pie.
"You haven't tried your apple! You can't leave the table before you try the apple!"
Come on, Millie, I already said that...
"Yes! Breakfast Pony Club Rules! All First Meal As A Pony ponies have to try the apple before they leave!"
"Yeah! Jan's right! Breakfast Pony Rules!"
"Eat of the apple, little pony, or ne're the table you shall leave! Bwa-ha-ha!"
Goldenrod.... alright, fine. We have a class to get to, so I'll try the apple. Oh goodness. OK. I can do this.
"AP-PLE! AP-PLE! AP-PLE! AP-PLE!"
Swirls! No pressure, huh? Fine. Here goes. Om.
"And?"
"Well....?"
Oh.... mmmm.... oh.... you little.... muffin muffing... ahh...
"Hee hee hee hee!"
"Hah ha ha!"
"It's pretty amazing as a pony, isn't it?"
Ahh... oh, pony, oh.... mmmnnn... water... water... SLURP... ahhh... Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. I'll get used to all of this, right?
"No."
"Nope, not ever."
"Every single time. Just like this."
You have got to... you... you are just a bunch of naughty little ponies is what you are. Alright... the time is... oh, gosh, it's time for... what is the next class?
"General class, ponies only though... um... Basic Household Skills For Living. It teaches you how to do everyday things as a pony. Sounds like a must, to me, Sunshine."
It's certainly relevant, at least to me. Are we all going?
"I'm going... Aquamarine?"
"Of course, Golden. Always."
Jan, Sam, Honey?
"Yes. That class is on my list."
"As Millie says, it's a must."
"I go where Samantha goes."
Well then. I guess the Basic Household Skills class better prepare itself for the Breakfast Pony Club!
"YEAH!" "Yes!" "Absolutely!" "Whooo!"
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...so I just balance it on my back like... this? Come on, wings, just... WHOOPS! Heh! Um... good thing that's made of neoplastic. Sorry!
"Just try again. It's alright, that is what this class is for. EVERYPONY! Just keep practicing! If the bowl falls, just pick it right up, put it on your back, and keep trying to walk. Practice makes perfect!
Alright. Sunshine. Since this is your conversion day, maybe you would be better off not using your wings for this. Sometimes newfoal pegasai can have control issues, such as that little twitch. Remember, you did not grow up with wings. You need to get used to having them just as if you were a foal. As far as your wings are concerned, you are in your foalhood right now. So just concentrate on carrying the bowl normally, for now. Alright?"
Yes, Missus Wheatgrass. It's just that it seems like I could just make a kind of basket out of them, you know?
"Some pegasai do exactly that. You are right! But you are completely new, Sunshine. This is the first day of your life as a pony. There is no need to rush things. As I understand it, human lives are fairly short. As a pony you will have many, many decades to do anything you want to do. For now, you have the time to just relax, and try carrying a bowl on your back like any other pony."
I... I understand. I'll try to keep my wings out of it for now.
"Look, Sunshine, see, cradle the bowl just before your croup."
Um... I see, Millie. Right there, huh? That's the croup?
"There's a little dip there, where it's kind of flat. Try it."
OK... I can do this. There! See?
"Very good, Sunshine. Now try walking while keeping the bowl still."
OK.... alright... it's kind of hard to keep everything still... hey, I think I've got it! YES! FINALLY! HEY! MILLIE, LOO... oops. Just a minute. Excuse me. Sorry, it rolled under.... sorry. Sorry.
"Hee hee hee! Oh, Sunshine!"
I can do this. OK. Ick ih uh. There. It's on my back. Millie, what am I doing wrong here?
"Well... you have to walk differently to carry things. Try going really slowly at first, and concentrate only on keeping your back still and level. No bouncing, no rocking. It's kind of like balancing something on your head, only easier."
If you say so. Alright, real slowly, real careful-like. Wow, I'd hate to imagine this empty bowl filled with hot soup or something. But I guess that's what real ponies with real jobs carry and do, huh? Easy, easy... yeah... that's it. That's doing it. It's getting easier, Millie. Alright, a little faster now, maybe. Yeah, I'm doing it now...
CLATTER CLATTER
"Careful! You have to watch where you're going too, you know!"
I'm sorry. I am so sorry, Goldenrod. It's my first day... I am so clumsy.
"I'm sorry, Sunshine. I forgot."
You forgot... cool! That's kind of a compliment, actually. Cool. Here, I'll put your bowl back. There.
"Thank you, Sunshine!"
Alright. One more time. Where'd my bowl roll too. Oh! Excuse me, my bowl rolled....
"EVERYPONY! I think that is enough for now of that. Take your bowls and place them in the rack where you found them and assemble in the middle of the room!"
I found it! Oh, we're not doing carrying now.
"No, I think it's a new lesson, Sunshine."
"Alright, Everypony. That's it, all together in one big circle. Yes, all around me, side by side. That's it. Now... let me bring this over.... there. A nice big box filled with all sorts of things. We have a suitcase with a nice red handle.... here. No, just let it be for the moment. And here's a broom... yes, you just hold it up, like that. Perfect. And for you I have a nice wooden spoon. Just take it in your teeth. Perfect. And finally, a tray, with a cup on it. You take that... yes, right in your mouth, just by the edge. Good!
Now, what we are going to be doing is passing practice. We'll be passing these four objects, the case, the broom, the spoon and the tray with the cup around to your left. NO! STOP! Not yet! When I tell you to, alright? Now the goal is to start out really slowly. Take. Your. Time. We'll go faster later, and I will tell you when. But for now, we will just be passing the objects to each other carefully, and try to keep them going around the circle. That's all we need to do.
Now I need you to concentrate on doing your best to do it carefully, alright? This isn't a contest, and we are not trying to beat any records or prove anything other than that we can do this smoothly and well, understood?
Alright. Any questions?"
I kind of have one!
"Sunshine?"
Um... Missus Wheatgrass... I... I'm not sure how to put this, but... isn't it... dangerous... to pass things from mouth to mouth like that? I mean Hep Z, Contact Syphilis, Viral Cancer, Nanophage....
"None of that is an issue for Equestrians, Sunshine. You don't have to worry. Ponies are immune to all human world diseases, and even in Equestria there are only a very few illnesses known, none of which are dangerous, and all of which are fairly rare.
CLASS? This is something I should probably make clear. All the things you've been afraid of as humans no longer apply for you. As citizens of Equestria, you are naturally protected from all earthly diseases. Ponies do not suffer the way Earth creatures do, and all of you in this class are ponies now. It is your natural and native state to be free from disease, and protected from sickness.
You need not fear each others touch, contact, or bodily fluids. There are no dangers in these things for Equestrians. Such concerns are the province of human creatures, not us. Is that clear?"
"Missus Wheatgrass?"
"Yes, Jan."
"You mentioned the few illnesses that Equestrians do get. What are they?"
"Well, it isn't really part of this class but... there is Sniffles, something not entirely unlike your human cold. It is mild but uncomfortable, and does not last more than a day or two. It is probably the most common illness, and is usually associated with extreme exposure or exhaustion. Even less common are things like Hay Fever, The Trots, and..."
"Ponies get Hay Fever?"
"If I understand things correctly, it is not the same as the allergic illness humans get, Millicent. It is also exceptionally rare. I merely listed it to answer Jan."
So basically, we aren't going to die or anything from passing these things mouth to mouth. That's the basic concern here.
"No. Nopony will get sick or... die... from this activity. It is something you will need to get used to in your new lives. Ponies have mouths and hooves, and unless you are a unicorn, everything you used to do with hands will be done with your mouth or your hooves, and of the two, the most common will be your mouth. You must shed your human attitudes about this, which, as I understand, are quite negative.
This is actually part of what this exercise is for. It is to build maxilofacial dexterity, of course. But it is also to get you used to the fact that mouth-to-mouth transfer of tools, objects, even food items is normal and natural for Equestrians. It is a exercise designed to help you get over your human backgrounds as newfoals, and embrace your proper, Equestrian natures.
Alright. Are we clear on what needs to be done, and on the fact that for us it is safe and normal?"
"Yes!" "Yeah!" "I think so!" "OK!" "Yes, Missus Wheatgrass!" "YUPPERS!" "Yes!"
OK! Wow. I have to say, Millie, this is kind of weird for m....
"EVERYPONY! BEGIN!"
Here comes the case. Oh gosh. Oh GLG.... Mmmm... Gah.... there you go.... that was kind of bulky.... and now the broom.... GLAH...GLG... Gah... that was unwieldy, huh?
"Yeah, it kind of was. Oh, look out, Sunshine, here comes the spoon!"
That should be easy, it's the tray I'm worried ab.... GLMMM.... MMn-Mnn.... Gah! Heh! The spoon is really easy. Oh Luna, here comes the tray, easy, easy... NGAH! GRRUMPH...GLURG.... GAFFFUL... GAFFULL!... GAH! Easy, Millie, it's tougher than it looks.... whoo... you did it. Easier than me. Huh.
"I've been a pony longer, Sunshine. Just doing anything is practice."
Ah... well, I guess that makes sense. Here they come again... GLG! MMnnnnn NNnnn....GAH! That case is just a pain I.... The broom... GLK! Mnnn.... NGH... GAH! Alright, better, I felt more in contro.....UMN...GAH! Spoon, love the spoon, it's easy... uh oh... GRRUMPH...GLURG.... GAFFFUL... GAFFULL!... GAH! That tray... goodness...
"FASTER!"
What? Not yet! The case is... GLG! MMnnnnn NNnnn....GAH! Whoa! It's just GLK! Mnnn.... NGH... GAH! That broom is... UMN...GAH! Yay, Spoon... Oh no... GRRUMPH...GLURG.... GAFFFUL... GAFFULL!... GAH! I hate that tray!
"EVEN FASTER!"
THE HAY??!! GLG! MMnnnnn NNnnn....GAH! You have got to be GLK! Mnnn.... NGH... GAH! Now wait a darn UMN...GAH! Spoon, how I love you GRRUMPH...GLURG.... GAFFFUL... GAFFULL!... GAH! That is just crazy, with the tray it's...
"FASTER STILL!"
Oh, give me a GLG! MMnnnnn NNnnn....GAH! No Muffin way GLK! Mnnn.... NGH... GAH! Spoon... UMN...GAH! Oh sweet Celest... GRRUMPH...GLURG.... GAFFFUL... GAFFULL...
CRASHHHH CLIK CLOK CLICK CLATTER CLATTER CLAK
"Hah hah hah!" "Heee heee hee hee!" "Ah hah hah!" "Hooooo!"
Hee hee hee... oh, pony... hee hee... SORRY EVERYPONY!
"Hah hah hah hee hee!"
"VERY GOOD, class! Very good! See? Wasn't that fun? That's what we ponies do all the time in life, and it's no big deal, and it's even great fun. Remember that. Alright! SETTLE DOWN! Settle down now. That's it for today. Pick up the Passing Practice objects and put them in the box. That's it."
"Wow that was FUN, wasn't it Sunshine?"
Yeah! It really was. I really liked this class!
"I almost thought you had it there, until the tray dropped!"
Well, it is my first day, Jan...
"No, you misunderstand. I thought you were doing really well. I thought you were going to make it."
Oh... oh. OK. I sure didn't. But, thank you Jan.
"CLASS? I hope you enjoyed Basic Household Skills. Next time we will try performing actual tasks you will be doing in your lives as ponies. Until then, please try to practice carrying, balancing, holding and passing objects as much as you can. Every moment you practice means better ability in everything you do. CLASS DISMISSED!"
Um... Missus Wheatgrass?
"Yes, Sunshine?"
I just wanted to say... I had fun, and I learned a lot. Thank you.
"You're very welcome, Sunshine. And congratulations on your Conversion Day, too."
Thank you! Come on, Millie, let's go back to our room and wait for the dinner gong. No, on second thought, I need to go to the little ponies room again. Sorry. I kind of got excited during the passing things lesson.
"That's OK, Sunshine. I have to go too. I almost feel like a shower, after all of that. Do you think we have time?"
Hmmm... we have an hour before the dinner gong... This is my first day, though, and... I'm worried about being able to towel off. And I don't know how to even wash myself.
"I'll help. And if it takes too long, I'll just ask for help from the staff. It's OK. I needed help getting dry myself before. They're used to that. Come on! Let's go shower before dinner!"
Sure, alright. Oh! Remind me to take off the holocorder. Make sure I do. I don't think I'm supposed to get it wet, alright?
"Oh, yes. That's a point. Don't worry, we'll remember."
You know, hanging it around my neck was a brill idea, Millie. I barely noticed it, well except if I bend down too low.
"Thanks! Alright now, shower time!"
Shower time!
Once again Chaty, another great chapter, love the foodgasm scene... Although I'm starting to think pie needs to be reclassified as a Weapon of Mass Deliciousness , it's effect on ponies is somewhat terrifying xD
The pie... I'm having the oddest sense of dejavu right now
A pegasai afraid of heights, is that like a rule for 50% of Newfoals?
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It is an interesting thought. Humans are not naturally built for flying, and fear of heights is fairly common. It's one thing to trust your life to an Authority represented by an engineered machine, such as an airplane, but perhaps another to face taking your own life into your own wings.
Perhaps newfoals being frightened by flying should be a common thing. There is nothing to trust in such flight but one's own body, and that is utterly new for humans, even transformed ones.
Well this has been really enthralling so far. I'm really enjoying this fly-on-the-wall esk writing style. Without much actual scene setting or descriptive text, the reader still gets all the information they need to formulate the picture of what’s happening around them from the camera’s point of view.
Oddly enough it feels that much more genuine then the normal third person stories, putting us literally behind the eyes of the focal character.
Have to say you had me going for a while back there too when you belayed mention of Sunshine's species. I kept flicking back to see if I’d missed something. And when there wasn’t anything; I ended up laughing at the image of half the audience shouting ‘BUT WHAT ARE YOU! This is Eastenders all over again! ’ at their hollo-screens.
Wonderful as always hun and an interesting exploration in writing style
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Yeah, I was a bit of a tease with the whole breed reveal. Hee! So naughty of me.
When I wrote Per Equitum, my short comedy Conversion Bureau story, I just felt that there was something there to experiment with, in the style of a monologue. It didn't seem sustainable for a longer piece, though, so I went for a radio-play, which is ultimately what Going Pony is. As I write it, I imagine Going Pony being done by ZBS media, the folks that did the Fourth Tower Of Inverness and all the awesome Jack Flanders audio dramas.
That's the style I'm going for: modern day radio play.
"Stop being the face, and become the BOOT!"
Oh, sweet irony...
Most enjoyable thus far. I look forward to the pegasus-specific classes. Those should be interesting, and given the breed-attitude connections, so should the instructor.
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Sunshine Laughter is our primary voice, but because she wears a holocorder, we hear the voices of others around her, such as Samantha. It is tricky for me to find ways to keep things flowing while identifying who is saying what in what amounts to a radio play.
The Pony Breakfast Club (so Far)
Sunshine Laughter - Female Pegasus. Cornflower Blue with darker mane and tail. Violet eyes. Holocorder. Prime Protagonist. Rolling with it.
Millicent Nguyen 'Millie' - Female Earthpony. Copper coat with red mane. blue-green eyes. Love interest. Fun and nice.
Goldenrod and Aquamarine - Male Earthpony and Female Pegasus. Likely couple, though not open about it.
Jan - Female Unicorn. Analytical personality. Serious.
Samantha - Female Pegasus, green, yellow mane and tail, blue eyes. Rooms with Honeydrizzle. Easygoing.
Honeydrizzle - Female Earthpony. Got cutie mark first in the club. Can be severe at times.
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May I suggest this story then, for you? The humans are the absolute victors in it. They win completely.
Brand New Universe: Mankind Triumphant!
More than this, humanity is represented as realistically and as truthfully as I can manage, with both noble self sacrifice and total dedication to the future, and the historic values of humankind.
Going Pony is naturally Sunshine's viewpoint. She wouldn't be in a Conversion Bureau if she didn't think it was better to be a pony. Imagine that the Conversion Bureau was like a Star Trek convention - you are effectively complaining that I am writing my Star Trek fans as being too enthusiastic about Star Trek. That's unreasonable.
336845 Will do. But first I'm going to finish up with this series. I knew that before I started reading and my biggest mistake was really in my wording. While I find misanthropy annoying as heck, I should have mentioned the sheer fact that you got it to annoy me in such away is a good thing. After all one of the main tricks to writing is getting the reader to feel something and people naturally tend to polarize on different subjects. Also writing responses at 3 am when my brain is starting to shut down is probably not the brightest idea.
I do really enjoy looking at the more realistic aspects of ponification like how they grip things with their hooves and mouths. Don't know why, but I found the grooming each other aspect kinda funny since behavior-wise it's very similar to what many apes doe i.e. groom each other, where it's not so much hygenic but also bonding. A few scientists think that such behavior in humans results in several cases like when ladies let each other brush their hair to humans liking to pet animals. So definitely some neat parallels there. Keep up the good work!
Must say now that I finished what you have so far, I'm liking this. Yes at times the ponies do seem a bit too perfect for me. I don't mean the narrator's bia, I mean with how the ponies are effectively more structurally perfect than humans, the only downside is they can only hold things in their mouths and maybe a second item in a hoof if they decide to walk on 3 legs. Still it's a nice story and those parts are easily overshadowed by all the other excellent qualities this story has. Good job!
"You could be enjoying three meals a day and a clean, secure sleeping sleeping environment!"
It seems that sleeping sleeping may have been repeated, but I can't can't be sure. Perhaps it is secure sleeping in a sleeping environment. Perhaps secure sleeping secures secure sleeping environments for sleeping securely. Those BLACKMESH certainly are thorough.
Elite Mall Security Professional? Now that is a position to be coveted. Of course, with the way you set up malls in that one story, I suppose it can only be understandable.
Something on your writing style here, though. When there is a single speaker and their words are broken up into multiple paragraphs, I'm used to each paragraph having starting quotation marks, but none having ending quotes until the last. That way you know that the words are still being spoken, and by the same speaker. There is a different sort of confusion in this story, though, because it leads me to thinking that Sunshine has started talking again, despite the lack of ending quotes on the antecedent.
"YUPPERS!"
Gafful! the YUPPERS strikes again! Strike me down, now! Oh, I am slain! Dead for a ducat, lies the rat.
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yah think of people that are afferaid of hieghts and STILL go skydiving theres on guy thats Skydiving FROM SPACE! now that is something only he is going to be able to expirience im actully quite jelous of him being able to see the planet OH almost forgot he's Braking 2 Records 1-highest skydive 2- braking the sound barrier with out airplanes
> Facial Rearrangement Therapist
Getting a real Starship Troopers vibe from this one. [Do you want to know more?]
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That one had me cracking up so hard
"Oh, Millicent. Peach pie. I have to try this. Here goes. Om. Nom.... ohhhh.... OHHHHHH OHHH MY MUFFIN GLGLGHHHH....
"Is she going to be alright?"
"Sunshine? Sunshine? SUUUnnnnnSHHHiiine? Hello?""
I found myself grinning at Sunshine's first breakfast as a pony; that sounded akin to twice as good as ribs! Wonder if they've got Fancee Toast?
"Jan... I think it is kind of amazing. I mean, you're the only unicorn in our group, in the Breakfast Pony Club, and you are the one with the horn and all, yet you seem to have all the non-magical ways to carry things and move things down better than any of us, and we don't have horns. I mean, Millie, Goldenrod, Aquamarine, and Honeydrizzle are all earthponies, me and Samantha here are both pegasai, you are the only unicorn, and yet you've got all the moves. What's up with that? Did you study pony locomotion or something?"
Even spellcasters run out of spells at some point!
"Well... actually... it is because I am worried about my magical abilities. I am not kidding when I say I cannot use my horn well. Even my magic instructor is baffled. I still can't move anything beyond making a marble roll around. I haven't even lifted it up off the ground. It may be that... I just won't be very... capable... as a unicorn. So I figured I had better learn how to get by with what I can do."
Even should Jan only be able to manage base cantrips, well, hey, it may not be as fancy as tossing around fireballs or conjuring up elementals, but sometimes the simpler spells are more than effective with a bit of creativity; look at Littlepip from FoE and her telekinesis that nearly every unicorn has for example! And hey, at least you may have a portable light source; good for late night reading/drawing/what-have-ye! Plus that horn is good for keeping hats on!
[Blackmesh Recruitment Ad]
I read this in some sort of old black and white newsreel voice hehe.
"►BLACKMESH security is bound to serve the world elite and promote their agenda and interests."
Sounds familiar...
"Facial Rearrangement Therapist "
I laughed at that one.
"Some pegasai do exactly that. You are right! But you are completely new, Sunshine. This is the first day of your life as a pony. There is no need to rush things. As I understand it, human lives are fairly short. As a pony you will have many, many decades to do anything you want to do. For now, you have the time to just relax, and try carrying a bowl on your back like any other pony."
Also good thing their society is set up in a way that isn't strict for time. And makes me recall a bit of DnD lore somewhere for elves spending hefty bits of time on their personal projects. Now carrying a bowl on your back (likely loaded with foodstuffs?) Sounds challenging (then again we don't carry things in that manner), but probably over time one would get used to it.
"You need not fear each others touch, contact, or bodily fluids. There are no dangers in these things for Equestrians. Such concerns are the province of human creatures, not us. Is that clear?"
That'd take a good bit of getting used to, least as it invokes images of slobbery tool handles.
"FASTER!"
Uh oh! *cue failed dexterity checks*
Conversion Bureaus are probably among the few things that could make mundane sounding classes for simple day-to-day movements sound fun. "And then everyon- err pony fell and laughed, the end! *fades to black, cue credits music*"
Well, that was another lengthy comment (mostly quotes). I know, not a grand in-depth review of sort for the size, felt more like a reactionary post if anything, but hey, maybe I should try this commenting thing more!
I suspect that Sunshine might possibly like peach pie, yes. :)
"The Many. The Proud. Bound by Loyalty. Bound by Orders. Bound In Servitude. FREE TO KILL."
Ugh, I can hear the voice change there, from "law firm" to "monster truck rally" or the like.
Yes, congratulations on writing a
goodrealistic advertisement. (I tend to find advertisements even for things I like, not that I see many of those, extremely annoying. I do see the occasional good one, but I seem to be significantly outside most target audiences.)It was an interesting look into the world and its culture, though, as advertisements generally are.
And now back to the ponies! :D
I imagine that most Earth objects don't taste very good, even if there's no danger of disease. Of course, in less than a decade, that won't be an issue anymore.
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Have you listened to any of the work of Decoder Ring Theatre? I don't know if you'd like it or not (or if you'd listened to more of it than I have), but I thought that there'd be no harm in suggesting it.
The overwhelming pleasure of eating until it becomes painful reminds me about when I learned how to pleasure mares:
Stallions have a reputation for being terrible lovers. This is true, but mares need to except some responsibility for this:
0. ¿How are we stallions suppose to know how to pleasure mares if the mares never bother to teach the stallions what to do?
1. Stallions tend to get over excited during sex because it is such a _"*RARE*"_ treat.
2. We are bad at sex DUE TO LACK OF SUFFICIENT PRACTICE.
3. The only pony truly knowing how to pleasure any particular mare is that mare, so try taking turns with the mare on-top until she gives herself pleasure, then flipping over so the stallion can do what makes himself feel good —— ¡mares should take some responsibility for their own pleasure instead of leaving everything up to the stallion and blaming him when he does not know what she likes!
4. Stallions with sexually mutilated genitals have to pound away at mares how gryphons tenderize meat by pounding it with meat-tenderizing mallets just to achieve orgasm.
Notice that mares bear some responsibility in all examples:
0. Many mares never try to teach stallions what they like.
1. Mares often withhold sex for months so that stallions get overexcited during sex.
2. Mares often do not give stallions enough practice.
3. Mare often give their impression of a dead fish while expecting stallions to pleasure them.
4. When greedy Ob/Gyns approach dames after birthing colts, and ask for permission to mutilate sexually the genitals of their sons because, as we all know, masturbation leads to blindness, insanity, and hairy frogs and sexual genital mutilation stops masturbation all for the low low price of 1 kilobits, plus various fees adding up to more than another kilobits, dames need to say no and buck the Ob/Gyns in the head until the brains of the Ob/Gyns are greed-free or on the floor, whichever comes firstly.
Well anyway, when I finally found a mare willing to teach me how to pleasure mares —— ¡most stallions never find such mare! —— in my late 20s, 1 of the first lessons was how to cause an orgasm. The lesson was very simple:
0. Withdraw the clitoral præpuce.
1. Smear petroleum jelly liberally over the glans clitoris and inner præputial surface.
2. Replace the præpuce over the gland clitoris.
3 liberally smear petroleum jelly over the whole clitoris.
4. Smear petroleum jelly over an hoof.
5. Place the tip of the hoof on the clitoral præpuce.
6. Rub through the clitoral præpuce as rapidly as possible in a chaotic pattern such as writing out the AlphaBet.
The effects were immediate; she showed clear signs of pleasure and generated a very pleasant smell I never got a mare to generate before then. In less than 5 minutes, orgasms rocked her body. After about 20 minutes she screamed “¡STOP!” and pushed me away. Then, she curled up into a ball on her side. I feared that I hurt her, but when I inquired, I learned that having hundreds of orgasms in such a short period simply overwhelmed her. The reaction of Sunshine Laughter to eating as a pony of the first time reminded me about how that mare reacted during that lesson.
The commercial for Black Mesh is pure Orwell. It also has a false dichotomy:
it begs the question that one must either be the boot or the face. We can build better society. The future does not have to be a boot pounding a pony-face forever.
I can actually picture the passing object scene and I find it hilarious. Good job on that, I felt that you captured that moment perfectly.
Again, the "ponies are immune to most diseases" thing. REALLY hanging me out to dry, here! Damn diabetes...
Well, the breakfast part was certainly interesting. Almost makes me wish I had some of their taste preferences. I can hardly stand most foods without rolling over and dying of disgust.
The passing scene was certainly amusing. Picturing a bunch of ponies doing that and Sunshine goofing up certainly brighten the day. Oh the fun that is being expressed... and here I am, in my house, reading stories and not socializing or ever leaving the house. I used to be a lot more social and stuff... damn I've changed so much over the last 7ish years.
Me during all the training sessions: "Oops! Shit! Fuck! God damnit! Sonofa- Oh, I'm not supposed to say those things anymore? *facehoof* *pain* FUUUU-!!!
Now imagine Monopoly
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Actually, since my background career was in the games industry, I have!
First, ponies would never play Monopoly. They would be unable to because the game, by its current nature, conflicts with empathy - and vastly increased empathy is one of the very few mental changes that ponification causes to the brain. Interesting note: the original game 'Monopoly', was actually twice as long, the second half being the players dismantling the monopolies that they had created, in order to make an equal, socialist society. The game was supposed to teach people, at the turn of the century, about how rampant capitalism was destroying America. But... the game was stolen from the woman that created it, then the second part was removed so that it could be sold as a celebration of rampant capitalism. That is why the game, to this day, makes enemies out of friends.
But, that said, your point is taken: ponies, except for unicorns (which, with telekinesis, have the equivalent of six to ten hands) have some trouble with dexterity. So, they are not going to be playing games with tiny, itty-bitty little pieces and lots of cards. That is a limitation.
Then again, they don't really need to, because they can play in ways humans only dream of. There is little need to play a fiddly game when you can actually go on a real adventure. Or fly in the sky and bounce on clouds. I strongly suspect that most ponies would grumble at boardgames as something they do when the weather is bad, because - unlike us humans in our world - they can literally play all day long like children. They don't have to have jobs: food grows on every lawn, in every clump of grass, in every patch of flowers. They can never go hungry, and thanks to advanced empathy (in my stories at least!) there are no homeless, unloved ponies.
If I had a choice between playing boardgames and getting to literally romp through the sky with a lot of dear friends... well... fuck boardgames.
I think, we can now newly appreciate this idea.
The word is "foodgasm", Sunny. Enjoy it.