Just Another Day on the Job
Chapter One
Just Another Day on the Job
There are some things in this world which are not meant to be forgotten.
The statues of Canterlot Gardens, ever set in stone, were displayed to the world as empty shadows of precious things which were once important. They are not meant to be forgotten...and yet they are.
Among the statues of Canterlot is something ancient, something sinister, something powerful, and something unloved.
Perhaps there are some things in this world of ponies and whimsy, which are meant to be forgotten. Perhaps...unrequited love is always forgotten.
As unrequited love, as with all secrets, dies with its holder. Unrequited love is silent when its lover is silent. Ignorant, when its lover is ignorant. And yet this love is powerful. It is a primal thing, born with society itself. It can take any sapient creature with a passion and dominate every single space of their mind, burning like a winter’s hearth, and suffocating like an overbearing quilt.
Many ponies know this love, but perhaps none would know it better than Big Macintosh.
“Ye’ just need some work to get yer mind off a’ things,” said Big Mac quietly to himself.
He watched as Applejack trotted to the corn field, away from him the sinking feeling of shame splattered in his stomach.
It was three days after he came home after his last mission. Three days since his sister confronted him.
He remembered snapping at Applejack, and he remembered the look of hurt on her face.
He had tried to apologize the next day, but all she did was brush it off.
“That’s alright sugarcube…I think I should go out and finally get that plow fixed…” she said, giving herself an excuse to leave.
Mac shook his head and turned around, making towards the other edge of the corn field. Sometimes he felt as though he was a horrible brother…at other times, he knew it for sure.
His head hung low as he trotted slowly.
He loved Applejack, he truly did. Self hate broiled and burned like sticky molten metal within his stomach, ever churning with the knowledge that he had hurt her. Every single bone in his body wanted him to go to her hooves and beg for his forgiveness...even though he knew she would still want truth.
The events of the last mission still weighed heavy on his mind. He could barely take a step without being reminded of how he had not only hurt the pony he loved more than anything in this world, but had also brought about Nightmare Moon and failed to save over half a million ponies from their deaths. He still had trouble looking at the moon.
He only hoped that there wouldn’t be another national emergency soon. He couldn’t handle Torchwood right now.
There seemed to be just one comfort for the farm pony at the moment: the idea that he would be spending his day hard at work. Doing something productive always seemed to take his mind off of things.
He loved being a farm pony, and he looked forward to having just another day on the job. A day where nothing would try to kill him, a day where he wouldn’t be shown some sinister secret of the universe.
“Darn it. Yer thinking about it again!” he said irately.
He sighed resignedly and grabbed the saddlebag he left on the fence with his teeth. He put it on and started picking the corn closest to him.
“I suppose I might be acting a bit dreary,” he said to the corn stalks. “I mean, the universe ain’t all bad, an full a’ evil…just seems like that lately. Nightmare Moon, the Great Intelligence, all that stuff Celestia went through…an’ that pony Nightaura. Everypony trying to kill each other…there is a lot more to the world that just that…right?”
The cornstalks sat pensively.
“I mean, I’ve seen the good stuff. I even remember looking forward to that darn letter from Jack.” He picked another corn ear distractedly. “Why, I saw some beautiful things. I remember this moon: it sat at the edge of a Mercury rift in the center of the Great Gadson Nebula. That’s what Cap’n John called it. The ponies there were made from the nebula; just wisps of gas in the air. They celebrated the eclipse of the planet passing in front of their emerald sun, and I got to watch ‘em dance. Now that was a sight! Flashes of colors flyin’ and twirlin’ through the air like tissues caught in the breeze...a’course Cap’n John tried ta throw me into the Mercury Rift that day…but that’s not what’s important.”
“I like it better on the farm anyway,” he said. “Hopefully I can make what I did up to Applejack, ‘n then everything will be back to normal…at least till Jack calls me back.”
He sighed. “Ya’ll probably don’t have a clue ‘bout what I’m talking about.”
The stalks of corn held a blank expression.
“Ya’ know, I wish I could have just stayed right here, with Applejack, and Applebloom and Granny Smith. Normal, boring life. That’d be nice for once…instead, I keep gettin’ pulled away from here. Maybe the universe just hates me,” he said, fixing his gaze on the ground.
Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder and a downpour of rain from right above Big Mac.
His hair was instantly soaked and drooped over his eyes, making him feel even more miserable.
He could plainly see that there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, except for the one straight above him.
“I ain’t in the mood, Rainbow,” he said, thinking he had befallen one of Rainbow Dash’s many pranks.
But after a while he realized that it couldn’t have been her. There was no victorious laughter, and the rain kept pelting his fur, despite his protest.
Maybe the universe really did hate him.
Mac groaned in defeat, and plopped himself onto the ground, allowing his coat to get even more soaked and muddy.
“I think I’ll…just lay here for a while,” Big Mac told the concerned corn stalks. He closed his eyes with despair.
A bit of the rain splattered against his muzzle. He tried to lick it away, but then he stopped.
Something tasted a little off about the rain. He took another tongue full.
His eyes snapped open.
He looked up at his misery bringing rain cloud.
“It’s PINK!” he exclaimed. He stuck his tongue out. “An’…an’ it rains chocolate milk?” he said, confused.
POP!!
His ears twitched.
“That sounded like…” his eyes grew wide, hoping he was wrong.
POP!!
POP!!
“P-p-popcorn!” he stuttered.
POP!!
POP!!
POP!!!
“I hate popcorn!” he shouted.
But it was too late. In an explosion of popping kernels Big Macintosh was buried in a pile of the Celestia damned snack that always got stuck between his teeth.
“Well ain’t this a proper mess!” said Big Mac, his head barely poking out of the pile.
It was an awkward endeavor as he worked his way out of popcorn. With flailing legs and an indignant yelp he managed to land back on solid ground. His fur was plastered to his skin, and he was covered with mud and bits of popcorn all over.
“Wonderful…” he muttered to himself. He tried to shake some of the filth off, but it was just too sticky.
He was about to sigh again and wallow in his misery a bit more, when he was distracted by the scene playing out before him.
The entire landscape was filled with nonsensical and whimsical befuddlements, more pink clouds spewing chocolate milk. The entire field of corn popped. In the distance he thought he could see a field of wildflowers…dancing?!
“Well, this is unexpected,” was all he could manage.
Suddenly he cocked his head and turned his ears to attention. He could hear something in the distance.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!”
Big Mac ducked just as a grey streak collided with his misery cloud.
He looked up cautiously, trying to figure out what nearly hit him.
A head popped out of the pink could. A head with grey fur, a blond mane, and eyes spinning like tops.
“Can I go again?” she asked, still disoriented.
“Derpy!” shouted Big Mac. “What are ya doin’ up there?”
Derpy shook her head, and pulled herself back into the present. “I’m here to deliver your mail, silly! I…wow, wow, WOW!”
Derpy slipped down from the cloud and into the pile of popcorn.
Mac tapped his hoof impatiently, wanting to know what this was about.
The mailmare burst up from the popcorn, chewing a mouthful, her hoof extended with a letter.
Big Macintosh sent her a skeptical look, but took the letter anyway.
“Why were you going so fast anyway?” he asked as he opened it.
Derpy finished chewing quickly and swallowed. “I was using the emergency communications air cannon! Princess Celestia sent me on a special mission! See, I was just up in Canterlot, delivering the Princess her special double chocolate chip chocolaty chocolate, chocolate lovers’ cake from Sugarcube Corner that she hides in the secret drawer of her night stand, when things started getting really weird! One of the rugs tried to eat my mail bag! Boy did I teach it a lesson! Never mess with a mailmare whose next stop is a professional aquarium shop!” explained Derpy proudly.
Mac put on a fake smile and nodded before turning his grim attention to the letter. He could already guess what it said. But, he smiled when he opened it, finding nothing but an empty piece of parchment.
"Eeeeyup!" he said brightly, about to throw away the letter when suddenly it glowed bright blue.
Words appeared on the page, halting his relief.
Dear Big Macintosh,
I took the liberty of enchanting this communication to only be visible to you, so to hide the confidential material.
I regret to have to ask so much of you so often, my little pony, however I fear your help is needed here in Canterlot.
It has come to my attention that an old enemy of Equestria has just returned, an ancient creature who calls himself Discord. He has already spread disorder and chaos all across Equestria.
This letter is not the first one I have sent, as this threat can only be contained by a single force: the Elements of Harmony. I understand you may have concern for your sister’s safety and the safety of the others, but I assure you, there are no other ponies better suited to deal with this threat.
As the Elements of Harmony deal with Discord I find myself in the position of attempting to maintain order in this world of chaos. The Royal Guard is over taxed as it is, and I have called in the support of every armed organization under my power, which includes Torchwood.
Torchwood and myself have been unable to locate Captain Jack Harkness, which makes your presence all the more necessary. Torchwood’s technology may prove invaluable in maintaining order, including your Vortex Manipulator.
Please make extreme haste.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Big Macintosh stared at the letter, his expression blank.
With a whimpering groan Big Mac threw himself back onto the chocolate milk saturated ground.
“Are you alright?” asked Derpy, concerned. She half flew half hopped over to his side, peering down at his limp body.
“I’m fine. It’s just this letter…somethin’ I didn’t want to have to deal with yet.”
“Oh…I’m sorry” she said quietly. “I really am sorry.”
Big Mac shook his head. “It’s alright.” He forced himself to sit up, and look to the other side of the field.
There they were. Applejack’s friends: the Elements of Harmony. Celestia’s letter must have just reached them, because they were charging off towards the center of town, an air of determination surrounding them.
He watched as his sister left with them.
“Ya’ can go now, Derpy. There’s this, er, important job I gotta deal with.”
“Okay!” the mare said brightly. She quickly took flight, heading back to Ponyville.
Big Mac glanced grimly at the letter. “Yup, just another day on the job…”
Gathering what conviction he had left, he started to gallop towards the house.
“What are ya’ doing you whipper-snapper! Don’t ya’ have corn to pick!” shouted Granny Smith from her place on the porch as Big Mac made a beeline for the front door.
“Granny, the corn all got turned ta popcorn,” he said flatly.
“Ah, so it’s that time of year again. Well, go get the harvest sacks then, can’t let it go to waste. Get Applebloom to help ya,” she said.
“Applebloom is on her fieldtrip, and er…I need to go pick her up!” he said, coming up with a plausible excuse for leaving.
“Suppose I’ll have to do it myself,” mumbled Granny Smith.
“Right, I’m gonna need muh coat, and muh doohickey…” Big Mac said, going through his mental checklist to prepare for his second job. He stopped midway through and looked down at his mud covered hooves. “And I’m gonna need a shower to make sure I don’t look like I came out of a donkey’s bowels.”
He darted towards the bathroom.
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
“Sergeant! The troops at the west gate are requesting reinforcements!” shouted a young Guard. His armor was adorned with deep dents and scorch marks. His breathing was labored and his legs were shaking uncontrollably.
There was a long pause.
“…Sergeant?” asked the soldier uneasily after his superior did not respond.
Slowly, the older, sturdier, dusty-black coated mare turned to look at the soldier, a frightening Cheshire grin on her face.
“Do you know what the end of the world looks like, Private?” she asked, an undertone of delight in her voice.
“Ummmm, not really, ma’am,” replied the Private nervously.
The Sergeant laughed heartily.
“This! This is what the end of the world looks like! Clouds of cotton candy sprinkling down a nefarious malcontent of chocolate milk, the citizens in uproar, the classy ponies of Canterlot, with their newly stained dry-clean only shirts! Ordinary ponies forced to fight back the potted plant and tea cup revolution! PURE CHAOS PRIVATE!” exclaimed the Sergeant, a manic and excited glint in her eyes.
“It calls to me! Begging me to gallop into the fray, fighting for Equestria in a real adventure!” she went on. “I grew up in this town. Dear Celestia was it boring! Adventure, that’s what I wanted. From my very first nursery rhyme I knew it! I wanted to go out, fight monsters, save ponies, the whole epic! That’s why I joined the royal guards, to finally get some action. I wish I could have stayed in the Everfree patrols forever, but now…oh hoho, I could just sing a song about it!”
“I don’t think that’s necessary Sergeant…”
“Hey! WHAT THE BUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!” shouted the military mare, her ire directed at a pony standing behind the line of Guard Ponies holding back the crowd.
The stallion in question was wearing a fashionable blue coat and a stylish white mane. He cleared his throat, “As a citizen of Equestria I am here to give a petition to the government for an explanation of this insanity!” he declared.
The Sergeant was upon him in an instance. Her eyes widened to comically furious proportions, their noses almost touching as she stared him down. “Get off my stairs,” she said quietly.
“Not until I….”
“I said, ‘GET THE BUCK OFF MY STAIRS!’” She grabbed hold of him with her front hooves, picking him up, and throwing him back into the crowd.
The crowd amassed at the edge of Canterlot Palace parted to allow the flying stallion to land on the cold hard ground.
“Now, what was it you were saying about those reinforcements, Private?” she asked as she trotted back to him, completely calm.
The young soldier looked around nervously and shook unsteadily. “Um… w-we needed some troops to help subdue a congregation of giant fire breathing caterpillars that are eating all of the windows…”
“Giant fire breathing caterpillars?”
He nodded timidly.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about! Hey! Hey, Corporal! where’s Warbler? The west gate needs some ponies to help save their asses!”
The confused Guard pony in question shook his head, “I don’t know…he was just here…”
“Gah…” said the Sergeant mildly frustrated, but turned around with a smile on her face nonetheless. “Guess I’ll just have to do it myself!”
“B-but, Sergeant, who’ll be in charge of keeping the angry citizens out of the palace?” asked the Private.
“You look like a stalwart stallion; I think you can handle it.”
She grinned at the look of absolute terror on the Private’s face.
“Ohhh, Sergeant Wildaberry’s just messing with you. Just do whatever the corporal says and…” she looked back to where the Corporal had been standing, only to find he had disappeared. “Hmmm, guess you’re in charge after all. Oh well.”
The Sergeant was just about to run full gallop to aid the other Guard Ponies when a flash of color darted by her, heading for the entrance of the palace.
Moving on instinct she took hold of the offending pony’s tail and tugged him back. “What the buck do you think you’re doing!” she shouted.
The miscreant was a flustered earth pony with red fur, wearing a brown coat and a wet mane.
“I gotta get in there,” he said loudly, his word’s imbued with a thick country accent.
“Do you got a reason to go in there, partner?” asked the Sergeant, her eyes narrowing dangerously.
“I’m, well…I’m with Torchwood. I work fer Cap’n Jack Harkness.”
The mare raised a skeptical eyebrow.
“Look, I even got a letter from Princess Celestia!” he pulled out a muddy, wrinkled and chocolate stained piece of parchment.
She didn’t even attempt to read the illegible and muddled words.
“What’s your Torchwood access code then?”
“I…I dunno, that thing’s nearly sixteen digits long!”
The Royal Guard rolled her eyes.
“See here son, I don’t know who you are, or what your country ass is doing out here. But no pony steps a hoof unto Sergeant Wildaberry’s stairs unless she says so! What’s your name anyway?”
The red furred stallion lowered his ears, suddenly embarrassed that he couldn’t prove he should be there. “Big Macintosh,” he said.
“You know what? If my name made me a walking innuendo I’d be pretty embarrassed too, but that doesn’t mean I’m cutting you any slack.”
“Pardon…” said Big Mac flatly.
“Normally I would take you into military custody myself, but right now I have some giant caterpillar ass to buck. Private! arrest this stallion!” ordered Sergeant Wildaberry as she took off to the battlefield.
The young Royal Guard stood shivering in place, staring off into space.
Big Macintosh glanced left and right, wondering if anypony was watching. Slowly he trotted up to the private and tapped him on the snout.
The petrified private went as stiff as a cardboard cutout, and fell over as if he was blown over by the breeze from a butterfly’s wings.
Big Mac hesitated for a moment, but decided that the stallion would probably be fine. He took his opportunity and sprinted into the Canterlot palace.
He dashed through the atrium and the halls, artful stained glass rushing past him unadmired. Unfortunately, by the time he made it to the grand ornate doors to Canterlot Tower he had gained too much momentum and crashed into them face first.
As he lay squished at an angle between the door and the ground, catching his breath, the door opened, pulled by a magical glow..
“Twilight Sparkle?” spoke a hopeful and royal voice.
Big Macintosh jumped up and around as fast as he could, trying to regain some semblance of composure. “Sorry yer’ maj…” he paused, and took another breath. “I’m sorry your majesty. I would have gotten here sooner, but your letter caught me at, er... a bad time. And I accidentally punched in the wrong coordinates. Ended up about two miles that way, and when I got here…”
“What matters is that you are here now, Big Macintosh,” said Princess Celestia, breaking him off. “I assume you read my letter?”
Big Mac nodded. “The thing that’s causing all this, Discord. What is he, exactly?”
“He is an ancient creature of great power, a Draconequus who ruled Equestria a very, very long time ago. During his reign there was much chaos and unrest in the land, much like there is now. Myself and Luna were forced to use the Elements of Harmony against him, and imprisoned him in stone. Our only hope to stop him from spawning this disorder is to use the Elements once again and return him to his stone prison.”
“That seems mighty frightening, Princess. But what did you need me for?” he asked. “I’m not a soldier, and I’ve really only gone on one real mission for Torchwood.”
“You underestimate yourself, Big Macintosh. Your services are more invaluable than you may think. Any extra pairs of hooves I can get to help today are greatly appreciated,” replied Princess Celestia, walking up to the smaller farm pony. “But with good hope this state of disharmony will not last much longer. I believe the girls should be here soon.”
“Well, if that’s the case, Princess, then maybe you…ya’ see I was wondering…” Big Macintosh began. He looked down at the floor and tapped his hoof timidly.
“What is it?”
“Maybe I could help them…”
Celestia blinked, confused. “I don’t understand. Help them with what?”
“Stop Discord. Save Equestria. You know, a good days work.”
“Discord is not an enemy to be taken lightly. He is capable of manipulating reality on a scale that even the magic of myself and my sister cannot best without the help of the Elements. Defeating him is a job best left to them. I understand that you are concerned for your sister, but she and her friends have faced difficult adversaries in the past and succeeded.”
“But I can help! Me and Jack fought things like the Great Intelligence and still won! We can help.”
“And you will help, controlling the chaos out there right now may prevent countless ponies from being hurt. Frankly, I don’t understand what you want. At first you ask why you are here, and then ask to change your reason for being here.”
“Please Princess, just listen to me. This thing on my ankle, if I can use it to help protect Applejack, then why shouldn’t I?” he asked, nearly begging her.
Celestia sighed and looked down sympathetically.
“Revealing to Applejack, or Twilight Sparkle, or any of the others the existence of such a device would lead to revealing the existence of Torchwood itself, and that is not something I am willing to do. You above all ponies should understand my reasons.”
Big Mac shook his head, refusing to see her point. “I hurt her! I hurt Applejack because I couldn’t tell her where I had been for two whole days! You didn’t see the look on her face, Princess! If I tell her, then maybe she would understand…” Mac closed his mouth as soon as he was finished, realizing he had raised his voice to the Princess. But he refused to apologize for it this time.
Celestia stared at the young earth pony, her expression changing from calm into something a shade darker.
“The day I decided to create the Torchwood Institute was the day that I lost twenty three good, valiant, brave and loyal little ponies. All of them violently murdered in the most heinous and painful of ways. The culprit was creature from beyond this world. Torchwood exists to protect the citizens of Equestria, and the world, from the horrors the universe can bring to us, to prevent things such as those murders from happening again.” Big Macintosh lowered his head submissively as he felt the intensity of her words.
“You yourself have told me the things you saw, and how they hurt you. Unfortunately it falls upon the ponies of Torchwood, ponies such as me, Captain Harkness, and you to protect those whom we love from ever having to feel that pain. We have a responsibility to Applejack, Luna, Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and to each other. Could you really forgive yourself if your sister was hurt by something that you were supposed to protect her from?”
“I…I suppose not, Princess,” said Big Macintosh, his voice barely a whisper.
“Allow her to fight her own battles, and let yourself fight yours,” said Celstia.
Suddenly Mac’s ears perked up, detecting the sound of many hooves trotting up the hall.
“I am sorry to leave you like you like this, Big Macintosh. But it seems there are other ponies I must attend to. Please wait in my study until I am done, at which time we may search for Captain Harkness, who is still absent.”
Before Big Mac could reply he heard a loud popping noise and his vision was encompassed with a bright, blinding light.
After blinking a few times he realized Celestia had teleported him away to her study, far away from Applejack and her friends.
The room itself looked dimly lit, but Mac realized that was just because it was suddenly night time again. He had to cover his eyes when it turned to day in a flash.
There were many bookshelves filled with tomes, both ancient and new, and scrolls littered everywhere in a maddened method. A blue and golden desk sat before him, elegantly styled and immaculately kept. It would have looked absolutely serene if it wasn’t for the quills and pens fighting a miniature war over the rolls of parchment.
To his right there were double doors leading to a balcony with a telescope on it. He imagined that Celestia could see half of Equestria from her high perch.
Big Macintosh was standing on the soft white pillows meant for the princess to lie on as she performed her royal duty. He sighed and flopped down on them.
He had half a mind to teleport back to the tower and confront Applejack anyway.
But he knew that wouldn’t end well.
He shook his head in frustration and bit into one of the pillows, letting out an angry but muffled scream. All the bitterness from his good and normal day going to waste was finally coming to the surface along with some other, more arcane emotions.
With a loud ripping sound the pillow flew from Mac’s clenched teeth and hit the desk. Reverberations from the impact were enough to make a stack of parchment and paper to slip off the desk, falling onto his snout.
Big Macintosh snorted, annoyed, and didn’t even attempting to push the papers off. But as he glanced to those very papers something caught his eye. A manila folder with a black T composed of honeycomb structure on the front. He squinted at its tiny label.
Torchwood Employee Files: Special Agent Big Macintosh
Within seconds his bitterness was overwhelmed by a tidal wave of curiosity. Looking right and left to make sure nopony was watching, he nudged the folder open with his chin.
Name: Big Macintosh
Gender: Stallion
Tribe: Earth Pony
Description: Red [scarlet] fur, blonde mane, short tail, large build, green apple cutie mark, green eyes, freckles.
“He has a great flank. Big, round, muscular and velvety. I could just bounce a quarter off of that thing.”
–Captain Jack Harkness
Occupation: Apple Farmer. Sanctioned by Princess Celestia as a part-time employee of Torchwood
Location: Ponyville, Equestria
Relations: Applejack (Sister), Applebloom (sister), Leafy [Granny] Smith(Grandmother), Apple Family, The Elements of Harmony, Captain Jack Harkness (partner).
Security Clearance: Black Canter Level (classified from all non-Torchwood files)
1187 A.N.-
Born in Ponyville to Mr. Smith and Mrs. Fuji, who were involved in the disappearance of Torchwood Four as the first Royal Guards on the scene in southern Hoofington. Their bodies were never found, and it is suspected they shared the fate of the five Torchwood ponies. Big Macintosh was eight years old at the time and was informed of the incident by Princess Celestia as a courtesy for the families of all Royal Guards ponies who are killed in peace time. See T.4. files for details.
After the enrollment of his parents in the Royal Guard, Big Macintosh became the De Facto proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres until 1206 A.N. at which time his sister, Applejack, turned 17 years of age and he began to share the position with her.
Sweet Apple Acres:
Largest supplier of apples and apple related products to the greater Ponyville Commonwealth area. Products include apples, apple cider, apple flavored breath mints, zap apples, apple pies, apple tarts, apple hair tonic. 59 Metric Tons of apples produced annually.
Big Macintosh was heavily involved in the Apple Cider Tidewater Incident of 1204 A.N., as the chief instigator. See A.C.T. files. One million! Bits of property damage. He later issued a formal apology to Mayor Mare and the town after photographic coverage of the event was released.
It is unknown if Big Macintosh is aware of the 1134 A.N. flying lights incident over Sweet Apple Acres. spoiler fur real. Possible Code Blue. Have you ever heard of a fellow named the Doctor? possibly ? How about a good old stallion named Johnny Smith? You know, I think he came to Ponyville around 1134. Not sure what a code blue could be…hmm…maybe something important…
From 1114 A.N. to 1149 A.N. Sweet Apple Acres had illegal ties to the Zebra Confederacy. The distribution of apple hair tonic from Sweet Apple Acres was placed under scrutiny by the Drug Task Force of the Royal Guards. This created tension between the locals of Ponyville and culminated in the great baster incident of Sugarcube Corner, and inspiring the boycott of Canterlot prostitution. These ties to the Zebra Confederacy were severed after the death of Johnny Smith and the confederate sovereign. For more details see operation Swine Flies files.
1209 A.N. Tax Evasion Case: Applejack, proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres was charged with Tax Evasion, despite vocal protest from her, her family, and residents from Ponyville. All charges were dropped at the request of Princess Celestia after a clerical error within the Equestrian Revenue Service was discovered.
Torchwood:
Big Macintosh’s relations with Torchwood began in the summer of 1213 A.N. with a minor Weevil incursion on his property. At this time he was acquainted with both Captain Jack Harkness and the recently reformed Captain John Hart. The weevil was secured and the use of Retcon was deemed unnecessary.
Three months later both Captains came back to Sweet Apple Acres while investigating the Rift Wave Sunspot phenomena. See R.W.S.P. for details. Big Macintosh was interrogated but revealed no helpful information on the subject.
Later that night, Captain John Hart illegally accessed Torchwood weaponry and attacked Torchwood Hub employees, killing Mybutts Johnson. After clearing the Hub of all ponies Captain Hart used his Vortex Manipulator in an unknown fashion, in conjuncture with the Rift Manipulator to destroy both the sun, and all of Equestria.
Captain Jack Harkness, who had teleported using his own partially operable Vortex Manipulator to escape his counterpart, ended up at the site of his last teleport use: Sweet Apple Acres. At which time he was discovered by Big Macintosh. There was a brief discussion, followed by an accidental teleportation of both Captain Harkness and Big Macintosh into the Torchwood Hub. Although confused, Big Macintosh confronted the malicious Captain Hart after Captain Harkness was subdued by a temporary death.
After a physical altercation both Big Macintosh and Captain Hart fell into the Time Vortex. Damage to Captain Hart’s Vortex Manipulator resulted in a permanent biolocked fusion to both the Captain and the Earth Pony along with a near permanent fusion to random coordinates. According to an account by Big Macintosh the coordinates reset randomly every twenty four hours, bringing him and the rogue Captain to a new time period and new location in the universe. Each day Captain Hart would attempt to kill him or attempt to repair the Vortex Manipulator.
It is unclear for how long this cycle of running and fighting was, best estimates are little over three months. Big Macintosh was able to return to his present time after Captain Hart repaired the device, however, the Captain wished to resume his plan of destruction. In the end, Big Macintosh was forced to kill Captain Hart to prevent the destruction of Equestria.
Big Macintosh’s return had him back within the Torchwood hub, where he was quickly treated for physical injuries he received in his fight with Captain Hart. After he debriefed Captain Jack Harkness he was kept at the Torchwood Hub for several days under observation.
It was agreed between Big Macintosh and Captain Harkness that Captain Hart was to be buried at Sweet Apple Acres. After the burial Big Macintosh was offered a position at Torchwood for the bravery and strength he exhibited during his long journey through the universe.
After agreeing to join Torchwood, he attended a brief audience with Princess Celestia. What a wonderful, loving and beautiful monarch they have. It would be a shame if something were to happen to her….Just kidding…just kidding…..
Missions for Torchwood:
Since his acceptance, Big Macintosh has participated in only one major mission for Torchwood: The Investigation of the Nightmare Moon Incident. For more information see T.I.N.M. mission report.
Psychological Analysis:
Since his return from his first incident with Captain Hart Big Macintosh has displayed several symptoms of trauma, including: sadness. poor Big Mac… maybe you’ll get to snuggle with somepony later and possibly unrelated symptoms of depression.
While in the confidence of Princess Celestia he revealed that he is deeply saddened by everything he is forced to hide from his family and was deeply traumatized by the events he lived out while fighting Captain Hart. He also said that he has romantic feelings for his sister, Applejack. It is unclear if this is the result of a disorder. A full psychological analysis by a physician has been requested, however, due to the backlog for psychologist appointments this has been delayed.
Captain Jack Harkness described his partner as physically fit, mentally tired, and having the heart of a good pony. Princess Celestia has said he is simply a “melancholy little pony.”
By order of Princess Celestia he has been declared a non-threat to the State of Equestria and a sanctioned agent of Torchwood.
Big Macintosh’s expression changed slowly as he read down the pages. He began with an amused light in his eyes, broken with a collection of cringes and ended with the sadness of a frown. With a sigh he closed the folder.
“Well, at least she don’t think you’re a dangerous nut…” he said to himself. “An’ I suppose you were a bit melancholy last time you were here…”
“I just wished she would’ve left that bit about Applejack out…that’s private,” he muttered softly to himself, though he felt it was his own fault for telling anypony at all.
“Discord!”
Big Mac’s ears twitched, hearing somepony shout in the distance. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but he didn’t want to be caught reading his own file. He closed the manila folder with his chin and threw it back onto the desk, leveling a whole army of quills in the process.
Celestia would probably be up to see him soon.
“Maybe ya’ should try to act a bit happier…” Big Mac thought aloud to himself. “An’ maybe that’d make you feel bit happier…”
Mac sat up on the pile of pillows, straightened his posture, lifted his chin, and with a frantic dog like shake of the head, he whipped out the last bits of moisture in his mane and brought his mind to a new heightened awareness.
Lastly, and most profoundly, the edges of his lips lifted up and he smiled.
There was nopony there to see it, not a single thing to give him amusement or happiness, but there it was: that little smile.
It only lasted for a moment, because as soon as he did it Big Mac felt something was wrong, and he quickly let the smile fall. It just…didn’t feel natural.
Maybe there would be a good reason to smile later.
With a sudden popping sound and flash of light Princess Celestia teleported into her study, an irritated scowl on her face. She closed her eyes, and paused for a quick breathing exercise of ten deep breaths to calm herself down.
“Are you alright Princess?” asked Big Macintosh when she was done. In his experience there was very little that could fluster Celestia like this.
“Alright?” she asked, as if she hadn’t heard him right. “Yes, I am quite alright. Thank you for asking Big Macintosh, and I apologize for keeping you waiting.”
“Oh…okay,” replied Big Mac simply.
“Tut tut tut, is that anyway to address your most high and mighty Princess Hottypants Celestia, dawn raiser and down bringer of nefarious malcontents!?”
Mac looked around wildly, trying to find the source of this new voice.
Suddenly he felt something tap against his hoof.
Looking down, he saw that the pillows had all changed colors into an assortment of greens, browns and reds…together they looked like some kind of creature.
“Well, I suppose you’re not a very bright pony anyway,” said the lump of pillows.
With an indignant yelp, Macintosh jumped up and off the talking cushions.
“DISCORD!” shouted Celestia, already aggravated. “Leave my study at once!” Her horn began to glow with a pink light, threatening to shoot a beam of magical energy at the intruder.
“You see, this is what I mean. In my day there was a little thing called hospitality. Went away for over a millennium, come back and this is how she treats me. Oh dear Celestia, I may as well be a tragically orphaned puppy roaming the streets of Manehatten because of how unwanted you make me feel,” spoke Discord, crossing his arms with a little, “Harrumph.”
“Y-you’re Discord,” said Big Mac, looking at the creature with confusion and distrust.
With a snap of his claw Discord manifested himself just above the young Stallion, a warm smile on his face. Macintosh ran his eyes over the strange being, instantly identifying half a dozen mashed up animal parts in him.
“Yes, that’s me. Entropy Specialist Extraordinaire, Official Zeplin Driver for the 27th Cross-tribal games, and licensed acupuncturist in eight countries. Here’s my card!” He dropped a paw in front of Big Mac’s eyes. “I’m kind of a big deal.”
Mac raised an eyebrow. “That’s a library card.”
With a flick of his wrist Discord sent the card flying; it landed on the desk with a fiery mushroom cloud, annihilating the rest of the animated quills.
“Although, a better question than, ‘who am I’ is ‘who are you’. I swore I brushed up on my history, but you didn’t turn up anywhere, tall, red and handsome. You are obviously somepony important or else you wouldn’t be the only pony in Celestia’s study. But not famous enough to get into the papers…” Discord tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I remember the face of everypony that ever passed me in those dreary gardens,but you’ve never been to the gardens…have you?”
“No…I...er, skipped that fieldtrip as a colt…” said Big Mac nervously.
“That is enough!” declared Celestia, as she sent a beam of magic towards the Draconequus.
Discord didn’t even look back; the little fur at the end of his tail snapped, and with an audible pop a pink-framed mirror appeared in midair, redirecting the magic upwards and away from him. Big Mac glanced up and saw a dinner plate sized hole in the ceiling.
“You see! This is what I was talking about. Now tell me Celestia, when have I ever raised a hoof, claw, paw, or hand against you?” asked Discord with mock anger.
Celestia narrowed her eyes.
“For the sake of brevity I will not describe the first battle to end you reign! Just know that an attack against our little ponies is an attack against myself.”
“And that is why you will never have a special somepony. Nopony likes a hard-ass.” It looked like Discord was about to continue his rant, and Celestia was about to have to repeat her breathing exercise when suddenly Discord had an epiphany. “Ohhhhhhh, I get it. Has Celestia here taken a luvah?”
Big Macintosh’s eyes grew as wide as saucers as Discord nudged him with his elbow.
Celestia face-hoofed.
“No…no, this stallion works for me, Discord. And he is the brother of one of the Elements you met earlier.”
“Then you must be Applejack’s brother! I can see it now,” swiftly, Discord put his arm around the red pony and dragged him over to the balcony, stopping in front of the telescope. “In my estimations the elements should be headed towards the garden maze already. Lovely place, that maze, even better since I had time to make a few improvements. I think it makes the whole place a lot more homely.”
Big Mac glanced at Discord unsurely, but put his eye up to the telescope eyepiece, nonetheless. Through the lens he could see the entranceway into the maze. And there stood Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Applejack all marching up in a row. Standing tall and straight, so sure that their friendship and strengths could carry them through whatever trials they faced, no matter how strong their enemy.
His gaze then went to Applejack, who wore her Stetson over her blond hair as she always did. And as he watched, the meaning within that gaze changed into something different from a mere observation. It meant so much more, something primal, something whimsical, something affectionate, and something afraid.
Suddenly an object blocked his vision, and Big Mac jumped back as he realized he was looking at another eye.
“Skittish one, isn’t he,” commented Discord as he pulled himself out of the telescope.
“I did tell you to leave this place, did I not?” asked Celestia, growing increasingly more frustrated.
“Now, now, I was just leaving. I have to have some fun with your little girls while I’m here. I just thought I might finally have a chance to catch up, one ruler of Equestria to another,” he replied, floating back into the study. He took up a position by the desk and grabbed a scroll at random. With a snap of his claws a pair of reading glasses, were brought forth from thin air, and settled on his nose.
Celestia sighed.
“Wait… are you… going to hurt them?” asked Big Macintosh softly, staring at Discord.
Celestia turned to him. “No. No he will not. There is nothing that can stop the elements when they work together. And if he does harm them…then there will be no force in all this planet that I will not use to ensure that he becomes a collection of scattered ashes on the ground.”
Big Macintosh nodded, taking some solace in the Princess’s words.
But then he glanced back to Discord, and noticed something unusual. The mysterious creature was staring at Celestia instead of reading the scroll. The look in his eyes, it was something…something…so familiar. It was not fear, and nor was it malice. Discord swallowed, and closed his eyes, something arcane hidden within him.
As soon as Celestia turned back to him the expression disappeared, and immediately he pretended to have been reading the entire time.
“From your most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle…” muttered Discord as he read the last line. He cringed. “Seriously, you have your number one write you weekly reports on the study of friendship? And I thought that my scientific inquiry into the spread of jelly on bread was being arbitrary, and I had twenty-four ponies working on that! I hate to see what you have your number two do.”
He snapped his claw and a rubber stamp poofed into existence, stamping the scroll with large red words, “RETURN TO SENDER”. It instantly turned to flames and disappeared.
“Well…” began Discord, rubbing his paw and claw together. “I should be off, have an appointment to keep!” And with that said, the lord of chaos disappeared.
Princess Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. “Some creatures simply never change.”
“Wait… there’s something I don’t understand Princess. What were the girls doing down by the gardens if they were going to use the elements to deal with Discord?”
“Oh…there were, perhaps, a few complications to that plan…” said Celestia, suddenly sounding nervous.
Big Mac blinked. “Complications?”
“Discord, you see, managed to steal the Elements of Harmony, gave us a riddle to where they are, and expects them to play his games to get them back.”
Mac blinked one more time, trying to comprehend what he just heard.
“Wha… didn’t you have those things locked up somewhere?”
“Yes, I did. It was in the vault, in this very tower, where I had it shielded with the strongest protective spell I could think of,” said the Princess quickly.
“So… this creature…Discord, he was able to find a way past the strongest protective spell you had, in the middle of Canterlot Castle, steal the Elements, and has also warped reality all across Equestria into a cesspool of chaos presumably by doing nothing but snapping his claw.”
Celestia nodded slowly.
“The Elements are the only way to stop him! You said that! He can literally do anything he wants, and there is nothing to stop him, not you, not them, not even the laws of physics! What hope do they even have against him!” Big Macintosh exclaimed. He shook his head, mouth agape, unable to comprehend Celestia’s confidence.
“Big Macintosh, you saw him. I am sure you can take a guess to what he is like. While he may be annoying, a horrible ruler, and a generally immoral being, he is rarely deliberately malicious. He will allow the girls to succeed at his game if he feels they have earned it.”
Mac kept shaking his head.
“That ain’t good enough, Princess! I have a responsibility.”
He sprinted over to the balcony, and then lifted his hoof to his Vortex Manipulator, beginning to tap furiously.
“Big Macintosh!” called Celestia, but it was too late. In a flash of light, he disappeared.
Celestia sighed. “Damn it…”
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Discord chuckled to himself, watching as the six mares began their quest into the elaborate and ever changing hedge maze.
“Finally some fun to be had…and everything going according to plan too.”
He smiled thinly to himself, but then frowned, sending a fleeting glance to Canterlot tower. “Yeah…plan,” he said distastefully.
But he forced his frown away as he closed his eyes. “Just remember why…” he whispered. “And remember to have some fun.” He finished brightly. With a snap of his claw the sun started glowing with all the colors of the rainbow, along with two or three colors that may not have existed a few seconds ago.
“aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Discord squinted and looked around curiously, trying to see where the distant screaming was coming from.
Like a bright red streak, Big Macintosh plummeted towards the ground, legs flailing, wind and screaming swirling in his wake.
Discord raised an eyebrow, but snapped his claws anyway.
With a loud PLOP! Big Mac fell back first onto the stack of ten feather mattresses suspended in midair.
“Well, I would normally be impressed by your own little knack for channeling chaos, but I’m going to guess that stunt was made by Celestia kicking you out,” said Discord, now lounging on his own set of floating mattresses, spreading on some tanning lotion for the rainbow colored sun rays.
Big Mac shook his dazed head back into awareness. “No, she didn’t, And do ya’ know why?!” he shouted angrily.
“Why?” asked Discord, “Is it because ‘she just couldn’t hurt a fly’,” he said with a mocking tone.
“It’s because she’s a good pony! An’ she doesn’t try to mess with other ponies, or the whole dang world like you are! So leave my sister an’ her friends alone!”
“Or else what?” asked Discord flatly.
Big Mac glared with silent fury.
“What makes you so special that you think you can stop me from doing anything?! This ‘whole dang world’ is my sandbox. Not the Princesses, not the Elements, and not all the Royal Guards in Equestria can even touch me!” declared Discord proudly, tapping his chest with his paw. “I’ve beaten monsters that could level those mountains over there. One of Celestia’s precious little stallion servants is hardly going to frighten me. Mr…… what was it again?”
The red Stallion narrowed his eyes. “I’m Big! Big Macintosh! And I ain’t Celestia’s little servant!” he shouted.
“Alrighty then, who are you?” asked Discord, still unimpressed.
“I’m Torchwood!”
Big Macintosh closed his eyes, and then forcefully tapped a certain button on the Vortex Manipulator.
“What are you-ooof!” Discord felt something heavy and hard hit him on the head, throwing him down onto the mattress.
“How did you…” began Discord, genuinely curious when suddenly the pony in front of him disappeared in a flash of light.
“Shut up!” said Macintosh, his hoof pressing down on Discord’s head.
Something proud flickered in his big red chest for thinking of going back in time five seconds to get the drop on this annoying eldritch abomination.
Discord blew an irritated snort of smoke from his nostrils.
SNAP!
Big Mac’s eyes widened as he felt something soft and a sticky grab his back hooves and pull him off Discord’s head.
“You’ve got spunk kid, but you’re going to have to do better than that,” said Discord, dusting himself off. Big Mac fought futilely against the moving chains of pink cotton candy.
“I won’t let you hurt her!” shouted Big Macintosh, struggling as his binds grew tighter and tighter.
“Shhhhhhhhhh.” Discord hushed the rowdy earth pony. He pointed down with a single claw.
Mac raised an eyebrow, but glanced down anyway.
There was Applejack, trotting uneasily down her path in the maze. Her ears twitched, picking up the faintest of whispers on the wind left by all the ruckus above her.
“You really shouldn’t distract her,” said Discord examining the edge of his claw. “She’s going to have to concentrate on the blueberry hedge rats in a moment.”
Expecting some kind of retort, or struggle, he prepared himself for another bout of chaotic magic. But he heard nothing.
Pursing his lips, Discord looked back to the brotherly stallion.
Macintosh was looking down, staring at his sister. He could not allow her to be hurt again. He just couldn’t.
Discord studied the look in the pony’s eyes, and within the depths of green he recognized something…something he was all too familiar with.
Slowly, the Draconequus lowered his claw, and floated over to his captive.
“Please, don’t hurt her. Please…” he begged.
Discord opened his mouth as if about to send him a witty retort, maybe a sarcastic metaphor, or perhaps just an ironic catch phrase, but instead something incredible happened.
“Alright… I’ll make you a deal,” proposed Discord, “If you promise to stay out of my beard and away from my business, I promise that no physical harm will befall your sister.”
Big Mac’s eyes widened, suddenly seeing a solid hope.
“Y-yes! I promise!” he said quickly.
“Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me,” said Discord.
Without any more provocation Discord’s claw grew to enormous proportions, and with a single flick Big Macintosh was sent flying.
This time there was no screaming, just shocked eyes wide open as Big Mac flew towards the hard stone wall of Canterlot Tower.
Just moments before his head was smashed in, the piece of wall in his trajectory transformed into a giant pair of lips, opening wide for the flying pony. Big Mac closed his eyes just before he was engulfed.
When he opened them he found himself inside Celestia’s study, sliding on his back into a pile of pillows.
He glanced to the lips on the wall, which blew a raspberry before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Princess Celestia, who had been sitting on the balcony looking out, wore an odd expression on her face. She blinked several times before getting over the fact that her agent of Torchwood had just been spat into her study by a pair of giant red lips.
“Well…” she began. “Perhaps we can try to find Captain Harkness now?” she asked.
Big Mac shakily stood to his hooves. “Yes…of course, Princess.”
With that done and said, the two ponies moved on, trotting down the stairs of the tower.
“Have you checked his home?” asked Big Macintosh, hoping to move past his disobedience.
“The Torchwood Hub is his home. It is where he eats, works, and retires to every night,” replied Celestia. “I spoke with some of the other employees of Torchwood: Lyra Heartstrings was the last pony to see him. Apparently he left late last night to see somepony important.”
“Is there a way for you to find out where he is?”
“Captain Harkness enjoys certain freedoms as the leader of Torchwood, such as several spells and other protections to ensure he cannot be detected by malicious entities and enemies of Equestria. He will not be found if he does not want to be found, which seems more and more likely since he has not revealed himself during this entire ordeal. I was hoping that my sister would be able to help. I was going to have to rouse her anyway,” said Celestia.
“Wait, you mean Princess Luna…” said Big Mac, suddenly stopping in his tracks.
“Is there a problem?”
Big Macintosh swallowed. “N-no Problem, Princess,” he said, trotting forward, slower this time.
“Good,” said the Princess. “If you recall, her bedroom is just ahead.”
Big Mac nodded as he and the Princess of Equestria trotted in front of Luna’s bedroom doors.
“Odd…” said Celestia. “Her guards are gone…”
She sent a side glance to Mac before she pushed the door open with her magic.
The sight that greeted them was indeed something…astonishing. The reason for the astonishment was not how every single piece of furniture had been turned on its head and was either sitting on the ceiling or floating in the air. Oh no, it was not how the night stand spun weightlessly beside an upturned armoire.
It was the two sweaty, sleeping ponies lying together on the bed on the ceiling.
There was Captain Jack, curled on Luna’s chest, his right wing outstretched and drooled on by the sleeping goddess. Luna’s limbs were spread about on the ruffled and messy bed sheets. Both looked extremely comfortable with their situation.
It took more than a minute of eyes wide in disbelief before Celestia could speak.
“L-luna!” she exclaimed indignantly.
But instead of her fellow sister awakening, Captain Jack was the first one to raise his head, almost as if he hadn’t been sleeping at all, just closing his eyes.
“Oh…er…good morning, Princess,” he said glancing over to his lover. “Something I can do for you?”
Celestia raised her eyebrows and frowned…deeply.
“Yes, Harkness…would you please step out for a moment,” said Celestia tensely. “I would like to speak my sister.”
“Oh, um… of course, Princess Celestia,” Jack quickly nudged Luna with his right wing.
“Na-na no…we do not eat your bananas…get those capers away from us…” muttered Luna, turning over in her sleep.
Jack cleared his throat; he lightly kicked Luna’s thigh with his hind hooves. Finally, she blinkingly opened her eyes.
“Hmmmm…” she groaned.
Luna glanced around, her eyes resting on her sister standing in the doorway. “Oh, good morning sister.”
She looked over to the pegasus on top of her. “Good morning, Jack,” she said dreamily.
Suddenly she looked back to Celestia then to Jack, her eyes widening in alarm and cheeks blushing intensely.
Jack gave her a reassuring smile before he pushed off of the bed, letting himself float down in a spiral to the floor.
Celestia did not look back once Jack was out of the room. The doors closed swiftly behind her: keeping her two agents out.
“Sooooooo…” began Jack. “What did I miss?”
Big Mac ignored the question, instead sending him an exasperated look.
“You slept with Princess Luna?
“Well, that seems like a rather personal question, Big Fella.”
“Haven’t you only known her for about three days?”
“You know time, all wibbly wobbly. I think I got to know her pretty well on our mission.”
There was the sound of something ceramic breaking in the room.
The captain glanced to the door, curious as to what was being discussed behind it.
“Jack…you can’t just go around having sex with princesses willy nilly,” said Big Mac, rubbing his temples with his hoof.
“First of all,” began Jack in a lecture like voice, “I had sex with a single Princess. One whom I am currently in a relationship with. It’s not like this is the great Saddle Arabia debacle of forty-eight. Which brings me to my second point: never bring hyper whisky you bought from a lake bound minotaur to a party.”
“Celestia isn’t going to like this,” Mac said flatly.
“What is she going to do? Kill me?” said Jack, sarcastically skeptical.
Big Mac shook his head.
“I can’t believe this.”
“Why? Has jealousy blinded you from the truth?”
Big Mac’s eyes widened and froze in place.
“No need to be coy. But you should have acted sooner. Suppose that’s just a lesson about love.”
“Jack…” said Macintosh, still staring into open space.
“Sorry Beefcake. I’m in a committed relationship now,” said Jack. He smiled cheekily.
The heroic blue screen of death remained unbroken on Big Mac’s face.
After another minute of that Jack began to get worried.
“You alright there, pal?” he waved a hoof in front of his eyes. “Hmmm. You really shouldn’t be that surprised. Luna’s a great mare: kind, gentle, affectionate… she really opens up to you if you give her the right attention. Granted, she can get a bit loud… matter of fact I think I lost three ear drums before she cast that muffling spell.”
“I get the idea Jack,” said Big Mac finally, sending his partner an irritated look.
“It wasn’t like you caught her screaming my name with a Canterlot accent.”
“That would have been worse, yes.”
“Come on, we’re both grown stallions here, and it’s just sex.”
Big Macintosh blinked and looked down, his hoof nudging a speck of dust on the floor idly.
“You’ve dealt with sex before, right Big Fella?” asked Captain Jack, watching his partner’s uneasy face closely.
Big Mac glanced to Jack, and then looked back to the ground nervously. If he was to be honest, then he would have to say that seeing Jack and Luna, sleeping together after their indiscretions, was the most sensual thing he had ever seen between two ponies.
He had never bought a scandalous magazine, nor had he ever felt a gentle mare’s hoof brush up against his coat. Nopony had ever touched him in the way Jack and Luna had touched… all he ever had was his imagination, and his hopes.
“Oh…” said Jack to himself, realizing the situation.
Fortunately, the door to the bedroom slammed opened before Big Macintosh could suffer any more embarrassment.
Princess Celestia walked out even tenser than before, a few stray hairs poked out of her once perfect mane.
“Princess…” began Jack, but Celestia cut him off.
“I will discuss this with you later, Jack Harkness. Unfortunately we have more important issues than your love life to deal with,” said Princess Celestia harshly.
“I was just wondering if I could clean myself up,” replied Jack innocently.
Celestia narrowed her eyes, and picked up the Captain with a pink levitation spell. After a sudden flash of light she put him down; there was new shiny sheen about him.
Jack sniffed his leg tentatively. “What was that?” he asked.
“An instant shower spell,” Celestia told him. With one final, quick act of magic she picked up the Captain’s jacket and threw it at him with unnecessarily high speed, hitting him squarely on the muzzle. A shiny, oddly wet looking, stop-watch fell from its folds. Both Big Macintosh and Princess Celestia instantly decided not to ask.
With that out of the way, Celestia swiftly shut the doors to Luna’s bedroom behind her, and began to trot down the hall, expecting the two stallions to follow. She described the ongoing situation to Captain Jack with clinical precision; having reached her wits end she had no desire to put up with anything less than executed efficiency.
Big Macintosh listened along silently, having already heard these lines.
“What are our resources?” asked Jack, finally serious, having been brought up to speed.
“As usual, Captain, Torchwood and its employees are at your complete disposal, and for the time being I am permitting accesses to the black vaults. All alien technology bellow threat level Bravo may be used if deemed necessary. Captain Shining Armor and his stallions are currently fighting to maintain order around Canterlot, the Royal Guards are spread thin. However, I have instructed them to cooperate with any activity from Torchwood they may encounter,” said Princess Celestia as she, and her two loyal agents, entered the elevator destined to the Torchwood Hub.
“For that purpose I have assigned a liaison officer from the Royal Guard to assist you in any way she can.”
“Who?” asked Big Mac, feeling the elevator descend down the shaft.
“You will be meeting her momentarily. But before you do , and you both proceed with your mission, I want something to be understood. This chaos which Discord spreads, he takes it lightly and with levity, but be aware that it can kill nonetheless. He would not do it intentionally, but certain ponies may react violently to unfamiliar situations. Know that I will not tolerate a single one of my little ponies being harmed by Discord’s carelessness. His influence may spread to every corner and cranny of this kingdom but so does ours. Leave no anomaly uninvestigated, no matter how innocent it may appear. I expect nopony under my command to rest until this danger has passed,” Celestia spoke earnestly and intensely.
“That being said, I will not allow either of you, or any entity of Torchwood to engage Discord in person. I require faith in the Elements, and in the girls,” finished Celestia. “Is that understood?”
“Yeah,” said Jack softly.
“Yes, Princess,” replied Big Mac.
“Good.”
Big Macintosh cocked his head to the side and lifted his ears up: he could hear somepony shouting below him.
“Princess…who exactly is this liaison…” he asked nervously.
“Oh, I assure you she is a very capable mare. Just transferred here from the northern Everfree patrol unit, her name is…” spoke Celestia, but she was interrupted as the elevator doors slid open.
“Get off me you minty misdemeanor! I have some chitin plated ass to bust and I won’t be held hostage by errands for your secret society of butts! Or else my name isn't Sergeant Indomitable Wildaberry!”
The outrageous cries were shouted by a greyish black coated mare in a beaten and singed Royal Guard’s uniform. She fought to escape the hooves and magic of Torchwood’s Lyra Heartstrings, who worked to keep her still.
“Sergeant Indomitable Wildaberry!!” shouted Celestia, instantly grabbing the soldier’s attention.
“Ohhhhhhhh…hello Princess Celestia…” She stopped struggling and smiled sheepishly.
“Sergeant Wildaberry apologizes profusely...and is at your service," she said as she bowed before the ruler of Equestria.
Big Macintosh stared at the crazy mare, utterly astounded with his misfortune.
“Oh buck,” he muttered under his breath.
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Dear Insula Sol.
Welcome back to the game amigo
. I can't wait to see what's next and just what this "Wildaberry" is up too.
Yours Truly The Cake Devil.
3417982
Dear The Cake Devil,
It's good to be back!
Yours Truly,
The Insula Sol
INSULA SOL!!
My Torchwood/mlp fanfic challenges your Torchwood/mlp fanfic to a crossover mlp fanfic battle to the death!!!!
We shall write our fanfics and comment and critique each other in a respectable and constructive manner! Do you accept this challenge!?
Sincerely, Inthretis
3551186
INTHRETIS!!
I... ACCEPT!
I literally couldn't believe it when I ran into another Torchwood Fanfic which features a member of the Apple Family, and you played it all very well! It gave me the same feeling of dread I got in Children of Earth at some points.
How do you want this to play out, go through a chapter by chapter criticism on each others? I should warn you though, that it will probably be a while before I post the next chapter.
I can't wait to get started, though.
I'm already picking out a nice place to store the body!
Sincerely, Insula Sol
3551230
PLAY IT VERY SLOWLY!
I'm going with every 5,000 words, or every chapter. Constructive criticism fight!
For your information, I am storing your fic's body in a random url in a random domain in Alaska. Good luck finding it.
3551331
EXCELLENT! I ENJOY WATCHING SLOW DEATHS! (The more time for hammy speeches the better)
I would advise you to read the prequel to this story, but you don't have to if you don't want to, I believe this story can exist on its own if necessary.
And be warned, I tend to strike without warning, but hopefully, in manner that I may preserve the head of the fic, to be placed above my mantle.
This oughta be good!
Expect my first attack soon~
Lot's of Love,
Insula Sol
Insula Sol, your fiction has many good points and several bad points:
Bad points:
Big Mac's accent seems to shift between Southern and Scottish.
That is a lot Princess Celestia writes that is top secret in a letter to Big Mac. Kind of dangerous to leave max. security info on apiece of paper.
Overuse of the word 'Torchwood'. Using it to describe ponies doesn't really make sense.
(Torchwood hub, sanctioned agent of Torchwood, I’m Torchwood!, employees of Torchwood, leader of Torchwood, any entity of Torchwood, the hooves and magic of Torchwood’s Lyra Heartstrings, )
SO MUCH Torchwood.
Good Points:
Well written flow, it's like a maximum flow sink in terms of going from one scene to another.
Humorous data files
THE FEELS
Sergeant Wildaberry
Can you believe this is the second Captain Jack/Luna ship I've read?
Overall, it's great, except for excessive Torchwoods.
Also, how did you do the hide-words-under-a-black-bar-spoiler-tag thing?
FIRST SHOT FIRED.
3551854
A GOOD COMMANDER DOES NOT DIVULGE MILITARY SECRETS!
Just type in spoiler within these [] at the beginning and then [/] with the slash before the word spoiler to hide anything you want!
Boy, I'll tell you, it took me a long time to get that Torchwood File together.
That would be awesome, but this Mac is not so lucky.
There's nothing to be proud of when it's taken him this long to realize that a device capable of instantaneous teleportation and time travel might have serious tactical applications.
It's very interesting that Discord is bothered enough by Mac's resistance to make a deal to keep him off his back.
But shame on Mac for not considering that "no physical harm" still leaves her vulnerable to a lot of pain.
Well, how do you like that. All he did during the Nightmare Moon fiasco was get his immortal butt mutilated repeatedly and give Celestia a pep-talk, and he's the one that hooks up with the Princess. Life is just NOT fair.
I'm really starting to hate Jack.
LIFE, WHY U SO UNFAIR.
Celestia, you make TERRIBLE decisions.
...Kara needs to meet Wildaberry. Like the only difference in their personalities is that Kara's a pyromaniac. They'd get along amazingly.