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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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What Always said welcome aboard!
-Noakwolf
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Thank you both ^_______^
Just to keep you informed; chapter two is currently in progress, as long as chapter 1, and is only somewhere around the half way mark.
Hopefully it wont be -too- long before I'm capable of releasing it for you.
and a big thank you for that sidestory group thing. I'm new to FIMFiction so it's a great help ^__________^
Wow. so many tracks.
It's a shame people are so willing to thumb down it so soon though =/ it's only chapter 1 and chapter 2 is currently in the works, and is hopefully going to impress with the intro to the real story being complete, as such.
but thank you everyone. It's nice to grab so much attention so quickly!
I've read your story, it's fine and good! But, your structure it's, well... Off it needs to be spaced a little more, and broken up, right now it looks like my story before I fixed it. Dialogue is good, and I like your protag I wouldn't mind being his friend in the wasteland, but seeing as you live in one section of the world and mine living in another means that won't happen. Plus I still need to help my protag's find their mom.
Because I have deemed your protag worth of this means I like him, he is good. In a way I think I like him a lot more because I can realate him to Neo (one of my protag's). Dispite the wing problem of course. But that is not important, what is, is that besides those small things and the occasional error it is a good story.
- Noakwolf, author of Fallout Equestria: Brotherhood, and THGLE.
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Thank you for the feedback! ^_______^ and I'm glad you like him.
Chapter two, which I'm currently writing, as in, this very second even, really concentrates on giving the reader a lot closer look at Crimson, the four ridge zone / the four villages that reside within its walls, and some other character development.
By the end of this coming chapter, he'll be prepared to enter [or just have entered] the wasteland proper.
Also; yeah, the trouble I'm having right now is I have no editor. I've had friends [Random Blank a month ago, and my best friend a few days ago] do grammar and inconsistency checks, but personally I never learnt proper paragraph indentation/spacing in school. or, not American standard anyway, being British.
It helps a lot actually getting constructive comments though. means I know where to focus on.
Hopefully once chapter 2 is complete & posted, people will appreciate chapter 1 having the whole intro to the beginning of the story complete.
And I'll have to take a look at your story when I can. it'll probably be Monday or Tuesday [Tues/Weds off work] but if things go well in future, who knows? it would always be awesome to do a chapter where my characters meet another stories characters.
Sent a reply to you ^______^ and thank you.
I will definitely have to go through it again, check for grammar and such. Once I've posted up chapter 2 I'll be going through and refining those points.
I'll probably also post chapter 2 in an unbrushed version to begin with, purely because I want that to be released ASAP so the beginning of the story can truly be appreciated.
For those tracking me; I apologise for the notice you may/may not have gotten about a new chapter.
I was testing the capabilities of FIMficitons editing field in regards to google docs updates.
I will be [hopefully tonight] uploading a completely raw version of chapter 2 asap to redeem for the chapter 1, and wished to figure out how the system would handle me reimporting the google docs version.
[which it handles perfectly, it seems, and thus, I can beg forgiveness and edit it damn quick]
I just want to show the true value of this story. rather then the quite frankly, boring chapter 1.
It's an alright intro, I look forward to reading more of this. Stable 56 appears to take influence from Vaults 3, 13, and 15, if that was intentional or not I do not know. The structure needs a bit of work, but it is adequate. Good luck with this.
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Interesting response. Indeed, the Stable does take influence from 13 & 15, however, I had never really taken the time to investigate vault 3 properly; instead, I would always charge in headstrong and simply kill everyone and hope that Veronica wouldn't go suicidal and run off ahead of me, getting herself killed. [as she for some reason, tended to do with me whenever she saw fiends].
Agreed, structuring is my weakest point, I do believe. I just haven't had time to really get round to that with how I feel the need to release chapter 2 ASAP to make up for chapter 1.
[Though again, the structuring is going to be weak, I admit. Once It's been done with either chapter, I'll begin to learn how to do it myself.]
And so.. I find out just how useless the import from google docs feature is.
it'd cut 300 words from my story, which I had only been confirmed of now by a friend.
great -.- no wonder why the word count was lower, and no wonder why I had someone tell me it makes no sense.
I honestly love this story; I think it has a potential to be one of the greats in Fallout: Equestria ponyverse. I've been checking all day for chapter 2, can't wait!
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-smiles really big- Thank you! <3
I'm close to finishing chapter two, and I have been trying to write, but I keep getting distractions right now.
mind you, I've got the last of the four village main matters out of the way and written now.
its just a bit of final leg work to go.
I understand; I used to write. I'd always spend forever trying to end it every time in a cliffhanger. I'll eventually write a large number of chapters, none ending in cliffhangers, then make the chapter right before the climax a cliffhanger...
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I could go for a cliffhanger every time, but personally, I'm just going to let it flow naturally, and sometimes its nice not to leave it on a cliffhanger. to leave it somewhere mellow, pick back up mellow and then thrust it back into the action.
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Vault 3 opened it's door after it suffered a water leak. It had no experiment, being a "control" vault, so nothing was constantly undermining the vault. After the citizens established trade, the Fiends attacked and killed everyone in the vault. It is similar to Stable 56 in that both trade(d) with surrounding communities until something went wrong.
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Yeah, read up on it after you mentioned it. In a way I suppose, it is unofficially influenced by it. but I had no idea and all that.
If I had known all this, it'd have been an influence proper, yes.
New chapter will either be out within the next hour, or some time after... 5pm GMT tomorrow.
Going to really push for it to be tonight, but like mentioned - it will be rough, unedited, unbrushed.
-edit: GOOD NEWS.
the chapter, after I pushed hard and ignored all possible distractions, is now in the final sequence.
I'll only be getting 6 hours sleep before work tomorrow, but hey, totally worth it!
Chapter 1 is currently in the process of being brushed up.
I know chapter 2 may seem like it requires it more with the title being [unbrushed] but chapter 1 was written back in January when I was completely far gone on pain medication after an operation.
The spacing issue was somewhat taken notice of while writing chapter 2, which is the biggest issue in chapter 1.
Once chapter 1 is completely brushed up, I'll change its title tag to [brushed] for 2 weeks, and I'll edit this post to notify the fact it has been done.
Chapter 2 is then next in que to be brushed, mostly for smaller errors, nothing major that I can think of off the top of my head.
(though if I remember correctly, there is the odd case of double words being notified to me in C2)
Chapter 3 is also in the works at the moment, coming in at 2,000 words currently. [teaser not withstanding]
It wont be until at least some time next week that I manage to release C3 however, due to the fact I want to try brush up these two chapters first while writing chapter 3, I'm also writing down more information on the over-all plot of my story, trying to figure out where to go from everywhere, when I can bring in certain characters, and how to visit certain locations.
In advance, I apologise for chapter 3.
Chapter 2 was filled with humour galore and intense bonding moments between you the reader/ Crimson, and Crimson/ Cherry.
Chapter 3 is going to be a lot slower, though there will be some action and I hope I still manage to keep the charm.
I just hope you don't find it boring, when I do manage to release it.
I'm so sorry for the rate in which I'm (not) brushing up these chapters =/
I'll quickly go through C2 and indent, I've just been completely unfocused and busy with RL stuff and my own [strike]loveinterest[/strike] best friend.
I promise I'll get this done tomorrow! After that, it'll be back to C3!
Chapter 1 is completely finished.
I've added the SPECIAL stats at the bottom, and made the following changes [and possibly more]:
Mostly its just the spacing/paragraphing that has been changed, to hopefully make it all neater/easier to read.
Though some lines of description/dialogue have been edited slightly, the meaning of everything remains the same.
Extra detail about Crimsons father added.
Extra detail about leaving the Stable added.
Crimsons nickname is no longer Dreadnaught [good reason for this]
Initial conversation with Cherry Sundae changed
Detail added in the morning scene of Cherry's house
Argument between Crimson and Mayor Sunburn changed up
Final scene/sign ups changed up.
There's probably more things that have been changed up, since I lost track of all the different edits I've made. But this is it now - Chapter 1 is officially brushed and complete.
I'll keep the [completely brushed] tag in for 2 weeks. So come the 16/03/12, I will be removing it just to say "Chapter 1 - Fear"
That looks much nicer! Not saying that it was bad from the start, but it looks a lot more cleaner now.
Nice SPECIAL, almost the opposite of what I always put, but that makes it all the more interesting! The tagging of Barter is also something I've never seen anyone do. I tag guns/small guns, lockpick and either medicine or speech.
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Thank you. I looked at it and knew I needed to clean it up, but didn't understand proper paragraphing and such. so you know what I did? I just taught myself double time. LOL
Seriously, it was one of the things they never really focused on back in school, so I never got the hang of it.
So I took a lot at Project Horizons & the original, and taught myself from their methods of writing.
Also, I decided each sentence could only have one comma before a full stop unless it made sense otherwise.
So to be told I hit target makes me happy and assures me I got it right.
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I know what you mean. when I'm usually playing a character on fallout games, barter doesn't bother me. normally its:
small guns (or big), science OR lickpick, then something like medicine - speech - explosives or sneak.
and usually, my specials are like, 7 or 8 strength & endurance, 9 or 10 intel (points when levelling up), and I let my luck be as low as needed.
but, I'm writing a story here - rather then playing a run through of FO3 (new vegas was okay, but not as good. but I just brought the ultimate edition for all the DLC, so I'm gonna see how the DLC changes things).
Which means that I have to make a more rounded, more interesting character.
Which I really hope I have, but I seem to have done it so I wont let myself worry.
Playing as Crimson W on NV right now, and it's an interesting character progression. not one I usually go down, but he's proving very interesting and this play through is definitely going to be something that helps guide me through the story in terms of progression. I like it.
On another note; would you like to see Cherry's specials at the bottom of chapter two? I'm thinking of adding all permanent characters specials at the bottom of which-ever chapter they officially join the gang in.
Obviously permanent doesn't = can't (or wont) die. that's always going to be an option - I wont write a Mary Sue, even if it's going to seem like it soon. (plans & all that).
What I mean is; the caravans Crimson goes out with - they're not followers of his group, but rather they're temporary guides/tagging along in numbers for safety, not a part of his party. and again, anyone who does join his party but only to get through a special area or a few chapters, with the express intention of leaving at a certain point. they wont get SPECIAL stats mentioned under my plan.
good idea or not wanted/needed?
So I finally got around to some real minor editing to the chapter. It should all be grammar correct now but the next issue for me is to give it a proper brush up / rewrite so the over-all quality of it is better.
The indentation is done, the new line for speech is now fixed, a little bit of text brushed up here & there though like I say, needs doing properly yet.
Still, it's one step closer to being the quality it should be, at least.
I'm really liking the direction this is taking
Hmmm. At first I was like "WTF?!" When you said that Celestia and Luna were dead. Now, there's a hot chick with a .50 cal. in the story.
Bah! Who needs princesses anyway?
So I saw it but did not comment on it as such in the earlier chapter, but have to comment on it now. Are there any special reason for how Crimson can get away with manipulating the weather without the Enclave coming and fucking him and his whole Stable up for daring touching their sky? Beside...
Tufts of cloud? So far I know are the wasteland one big grey overclouded area with the thickest and most controlled cloudcover ever, as said in the afterwords of the original, they need as much cloud area as they can get for their cloud farming, so them letting an area be uncontrolled... yea makes no sense to me.
Overly sexual story is overly sexual and does nothing for me really. Sure it is the character and such, but honestly does it get a bit on my nerves how full of himself Crimson is... and I am looking forward for him to venture into the wasteland and be taken down a peg or two.
I have neverunderstood why people ran to Kkat asking for permission to write stuff, I mean it is their stories, based on the original. Sure they can try to be as cannon as can be, but they are fanfics of a fanfic and all that. Nice to see the attempt to sit as close to the lore as possiple... although I do have a little comment about that in the nitpick section... And had all but forgotten about FillyD and PH, and can only say that I am glad to see you distancing yourself and not wanting to go anywhere near the foodsteps of PH.
Nitpicks:
Still have some weird lining issues, don't know if they are intentional or not thou.
"Feeling her hooves wrap around my neck and hold on tight, I began to beat my wings to fly in what free space there was down in the Stable. It didn’t have the expense of all the free space that topside had, but there was still enough room for us to shoot through the hallways.
Admittedly, one or two ponies may have had to jump to the side upon noticing us coming but we had a damn important message to get to my mother and I wasn’t going to worry about scaring somepony along the way" Lets say that a pegasus wingspand is like 5 ponies width to be friendly, who the fudge build underground walkways that can handle 5 people at a time? One of the things commented on in the original was that there were only a single pegasus Stable since they needed so much damn space to spread their wings. Now put in the fact that people had to jump to the side, that means that there were even more space to spare since they didn't had to throw themselves to the ground... point is that underground is cramped, especially when you try to house 700 peeps.
"Watching my mother’s face as Melony spoke I could she she was just as worried as I was when I had heard about it," see
"Flying off to Angel like this was surreal." You had some indicator of chapter separation in the last one, but just a double line before this sentence, and it seems that your indicators have dissapeared overall from this chapter, so will only mention it once.
" it was something I never grew tired of.the feeling of true freedom." comma and space
"Before I could think about it any further my snout had almost touched the floor when I pulled up for extreme speed" ground?
"Closing my eyes I tried to put my words together to properly greet her but upon reopening them I noticed that before me had not only stood the mare whom had just saved my life" delete
"she quickly showed me the way to her bedroom...." Four period ellipse, my arch enemy!
"
summary of this chapter :
Crimson : Lemme smash.
Cerise : Yes, let smash.
**Some smashing later**
Crimson : I luv u.
Cerise : I luv u too.
Cherry Sundae is going to die in this story, isn't she?
Or maybe having read Project Horizons just makes me put on my Jade Shades much faster when I read Fallout Equestria stories.
I'm hoping it's the latter.