Twilight Sparkle has come to Cloudsdale to rescue her friends from the clutches of Lord Sombra, utterly unprepared for the fight in which she will find herself. I do not own Star Wars, nor do I own My Little Pony.
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SL3NDRP0NY
Joined 8th Feb, 2013 ·
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I suggest not using asterisks to add emphasis. Maybe italics, if anything.
Also, what's that random last line? Twilight? Twilight did what?
Overall, I would call this a successful practice.
It felt a little bland. It reads more like a list of stage directions or assembly instructions than a proper scene. It lacks energy; we know what the characters are doing, but the details are delivered in an uneventful way. We don't get a sense of how the characters feel or the intensity of the situation.
I would suggest slowing down your descriptions, adding more details, and not feeling the need to cram everything into as few sentences as possible. You should describe what the characters are doing, but the strength of prose is not giving the reader every detail--it is letting them fill in some for themselves.
This paragraph especially;
This would be fine for a film, but in prose it is incredibly dull and unengaging.
I also agree with what 3037308 said about the asterisks.
3037401
I can't figure out how the italics work on this site. I'm used to fanfiction.net, where you just highlight a word and hit the button to italicize.
And thank you for the constructive criticism.
3037434 To start your italics, use this: [ i ]
To end them, use this [ / i ]
Just take the spaces out. I put the spaces in so it wouldn't just go ahead and italicize this text.
If you'll look, you can also see a line of options above your story editing space or comment box. Hover over and they will tell you what they do. Click on one and it will add the tags for you. Or, just press ctrl+i
I'd like to see the full battle ponyfied. I want to see the "I am your father" moment with Sombra.
Celestia never told thee what happened to thy father. A mistake she would've lived to regret.
Well she told me enough. She told me that you killed him, you monster.
No! I am thy's father.
No. No! T-That's not true! That's impossible! You're lying!
Search thy feelings Twilight Sparkle. Thou know it be true.
3037434
I had saber dueling in one of my fics.
Skip ahead to the second Rainbow Dash part to see how I did it.
Silver out!
Here, study THIS.
Now to figure out how a Pegasus would carry and fight with one...
Not that I'm not enjoying this but wouldn't make more Spence to have cadance fight sombra that way the whole I am your father line would have been better cause no 1 knows cadances family