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A visitor arrives in Equestria, bearing a wealth of knowledge and a troubled past.  The Mane 6 are quick to befriend the stranger, who helps them to discover what they truly value in life, and how to achieve it.

But learning to overcome their fears and achieve their desires comes at a steep price, paid by their innocence.

First Published
12th Oct 2011
Last Modified
23rd Sep 2012
#1 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

First chapter so far - the next few will focus on individual relations between the interloper and the mane 6.  Let me know if it sounds good so far.  

#2 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>9733

I like it.

#3 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

...Whoa. This is one intense story. Your descriptions are quite vivid - the animals you describe are just downright scary.  And the cliffhanger with Applejack...I'm definitely curious to see where this goes.

#4 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I freaking love it man, looking forward to more. Eagerly.

#5 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

More stuff en route.

#6 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I might be wrong but I'm going to take a guess a the mysterious Metal thing and say it's from the Warhammer universe.

And it's a Tech Priest.....Or dreadnought Mech

Looking foward to more Chaps

#7 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Seemed to advanced to be of human design from the 40k universe. Not counting pre Age of Strife of course.

#8 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>9860

It's loosely connected to something I wrote earlier - so there's reams of material to draw from there.  Although in this case, the presence of this individual implies that a crucial event in the original story went wildly different.  

A decision that he's not necessarily happy to live with.  

#9 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>9874

I'm wrong...damn..

Still waiting for the update.

(stares a the computer screen willing it to happen)

Please save my eyesight the strain.

#11 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Great start. This has to be one of the better alien/human in Equestria that I've read. I like how you're focusing on the well... alieness I guess would be the best word of the human(?) in comparison to the ponies and how they actually find the figure somewhat disturbing.

It'll be interesting to see how the ponies react to the idea of what seems to be a non-magic technogloical based society, and how the figure reacts to the magic (or possibly psionic from his/her viewpoint) civilization.

#12 · 167w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

I hope this doesn't spoil anything.

"Well hello Princess!  I'm so glad we can finally meet under more relaxed conditions.  No, don't get up, I'm just here to have a little chat.  Tea perhaps?  I must insist that you accept my brief outpouring of hospitality in exchange for a moment of your time.  I will be quite frank in saying that I need your help, and you desperately need my advice.  This concerns your new acquaintance who showed up sometime while I was enjoying my latest full body stone encasement therapy - thank you oh so very much.  

Now before you give me that look, I want to be perfectly honest.  I like to play games with you.  Especially when I'm shuffling the game pieces around while you're not looking.  But we play that game.  Not box it up and toss it into the fireplace simply to deny one of us from winning.  If I'm going to fast for you, please say so, but just to make things explicitly clear, I am using this game metaphorically to refer to the very basis of the laws of reality.  Whether the rules of the game are fair or unjust, orderly or chaotic; does not matter here.  What matters, is that game, and it's rules, exist in the first place!  

We share this world.  The harmony  you desire would not exist without the disorder and chaos from which it could grow.  Do you know what perfect order looks like?  Nothing!  No chaos, no harmony, no me, no you, no NOTHING!  So do us both a favor and don't ask your friend to help make a more perfect world, because that is exactly what he's set out to accomplish!"

#13 · 167w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

This is interesting, cant wait to read more!:pinkiehappy:

#14 · 167w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Second chapter about halfway finished.  

---

The Lieutenant sighed.  

“That’s wonderful.  Suppose you could tell me who in Celestia’s green pastures managed to round up the entire population of Ponyville and sent them into the middle of the forest here?”

“That would be me, silly!  I know every pony in Ponyville, and I brought them all with me!”  The cotton candy colored pony smiled like a shark in a swimming pool.  

“Oh what.. you can’t be serious.  You are serious.  Gah..  Why on Equestria did you..”

“It’s a Search PARTY!”

The day of the Lieutenant’s inevitable debilitating brain aneurysm seemed that much closer.

#15 · 167w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Okay, I have something to confess.

Usually, I read/browse FIMfiction as a guest; I've done this for a while. I didn't have an account on here before.

But when I read your story, I quickly went and made an account so I can track it. That's how good this story is. :heart:

#16 · 167w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>10091

Thanks :)

Should have CH2 posted tonight.  In the meantime, here's another story I wrote earlier.  

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NCkaywWiXlE053vdUbKir1H43UitgNm4Pgyljpomqts/edit?hl=en_US

#17 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>9884

Wow you gave me a little present.

From what I see so far the second Chap has really good humor. Pike pie and the that one place guard (Golden).

But so far I really haven't seen anything that could make this story Grimdark or sad....Not that it's a bad thing but your tags say it's a Grimdark story.

Now I realize how stupid the review sounds now.

Also did you proofread this your self or do you have a beta?

#18 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>10211

I'm just getting warmed up.  :pinkiecrazy:

I haven't done a lot of proofreading - although I've spotted a few things here and there that can be cleaned up.  Most of this just gets dumped to the page as-is.  

If I'm setting out to make the most horrible soul-crushing story ever, I'd like to think that a slow build up rather than a quick "jump out and scare you" type surprise would work better.  Such as the analogy of a frog that would leap from a pot of hot water, but contentedly boil to death in a kettle that slowly heated.  

#19 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

>>10217

Really !!! Damn... I need to have someone read over my shit just to make sure that my Grammar and spelling right.

Also that frog analogy.....Freaky as hell......0-0.....

Have a nice day.

Will still be watching :pinkiecrazy:

#20 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Liking it so far, wish it was a bit longer though.

#21 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Captain "HEY! YOU! ____ FOR BRAINS!" Laurie has grown on me quite suddenly.

I wonder what his cutie mark would look like.  

#22 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Please hurry with the next chapter. Can't hardly wait.

#23 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

sounds good so far can't wait for more!

#24 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Run!!! Run for your sanity!!!!:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

#25 · 167w, 2d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

lol love it

#26 · 167w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

More hot Laurie action, before I get into the meat n potatoes of the story.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17NNv5rfdAh4JQmcXrC7i0zbuRoPBsJ3o8f3chDV6GCY/edit?hl=en_US

#27 · 167w, 1d ago · · · Chapter 2 ·

Halfway done with Chapter 3 - now with 20% more moral dilemma foreshadowing!  

#28 · 167w, 8h ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

Lol - I am liking this a lot so far... :)

#29 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

So that's chapter 3.  Four is coming along nicely already.  

Which characters or particular events do you guys enjoy the most?

#30 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

Laurie and the whole Applejack/Fluttershy thing :rainbowlaugh:

Love all of it, still confused about that knife:rainbowhuh:

#31 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

This is the most fabulous mixture of randomness I've read in a while. Also thanks to you I get hiccups every time I see Pinkie.

#32 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

>>11291

Laurie certainly isn't the silent type.  

Oh god.. forget everything I said.  The double entendre will never leave my brain now!

#33 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

ho shit i was reading so far and all the action and descriptions gave me a rush wow great story, fuckin triple A

#34 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

far = fast* damn auto correct

#35 · 166w, 6d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

Still enjoying the story.

Laurie for the win so far,

#36 · 166w, 5d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RNVEmhNRzDiyrH4tErRPbse4IAyAxujJJbYAvUFlrCI/edit?hl=en_US  I hope this isn't getting too saucy.

Btw, the entire Luna/Twilight dialogue started as filler, before it turned completely and accidentally hilarious.  

#37 · 166w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

CH 4 is coming along now - had a bit of an impasse, but that's been solved nicely.  

Who's excited?

#38 · 166w, 4d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

-.-.... I'm totally excited....-.-

#39 · 166w, 3d ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

Ch4 is 2/3 done.  Ch5 will be act 2

Approved for EQD btw.  :rainbowkiss:

#40 · 166w, 23h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Wow, that took long enough.  Got a bit hung up near the end of the chapter, but I managed to get through without any awkward filler.  

Actually this whole chapter is awkward filler.  

ENJOY!

#41 · 166w, 21h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Looking forward to the next one.

#42 · 166w, 17h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

I want some tea now..:trixieshiftleft:

#43 · 166w, 15h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Was...that i what I thought it was?......:derpyderp2: ....

#44 · 166w, 15h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

:rainbowkiss:

#45 · 166w, 15h ago · · · Chapter 1 ·

This is really good, i commend the vivid pictures you paint and the very nicely use of cliffhangers...

#46 · 166w, 14h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

moar please

#47 · 166w, 14h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

Bueno.

#48 · 166w, 14h ago · · · Chapter 3 ·

Ha! sword wielding magic aquatic appiration! lol'd at that one!

#50 · 166w, 12h ago · · · Chapter 4 ·

The interloper sounds like the coolest looking badass of all time

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