I was sitting at home, relaxing and lounging about, just a normal day for me. It was around then when I heard a knock on my door. Breaking out of the stupor I was in, I decided to open the door. As I opened it, I was not greeted by a pony, but by a slightly oversized box with a note attached. The note is what caught my attention as I read it 'Congratulations! You’ve received your very own changeling slave! She can cook, clean, do yard work, anything you wish! You even get to name her...'
That was when everything changed...
First attempt at a multi-chapter story. Hope it doesn't go terribly.
Will be adding more tags as I go along, so who knows where this will go.
I currently have no cover art, but if anyone is willing to do some, it is appeciated
I Always Wanted My Very Own Changling Slave Too I Want Her To Change Into An Earth Pony Mare A Pegasus Pony Mare And A Unicorn Pony Mare
Where do i start...
It al seems a bit- a lot rushed.
Also you should go over the important plot points differently then just having a Character saying them. Like, Dust just taking the Changeling and slowly starts to accept and like her. The changelings did attack Canterlot after all. Currently there are a LOT of plot-holes to work on.
Still looking forward to next Chapter
2970851 Firstly, thank you for brining that to my attention, I may rewrite this chapter to improve upon the rushed feeling. And yes, the changelings did attack Canterlot, and I plan for that to be brought up as we go forward. Dust is accepting of Nirvana only because she was hurt and a nervous wreck (something I know I didn't bring up and will be fixed). Let's just say Dust can see where she is coming from (Plot spoilers for later). Thanks for the help though, and I hope for more in the future.
2970140 Eventually my friend, eventually
It is a bit rushed but so far I think its good
2971478 I will be addressing the rushed feeling of this chapter with an edited version as I go along. Until then, I plan to begin writing the next chapter right away to fix some of the problems in the first one.
Sounds like a plan
YES CHAPTER 2
this is really good i cant wait to read more.
if you are ever in the mood for reading some fics you can check out my stories.
Nice
Next chapter. You definetly improved. A LOT.
Nice!
2981958 Thank you
I like the backstory very nice
2983073 Thanks, the backstory gave me the most problems while writing. I didn't think it turned out to well, but I guess I was wrong. Either way, that backstory will eventually come back to Dust in the form of old faces and new encounters.
How far can i actually go with critic? there are a few things i would like to point out, but it definetly can become destructive
2986678 If you are referring to Dust's backstory, I understand where you are coming from. I kinda went with one motif for it, and kind of went along with it. It probably will go downhill in the future, and I'll attempt to avoid the inevitable problem when its path crosses mine (though I might fail miserably, I truly will have to prepare).
2986785
I´m actually reffering to the fire, it just seemed completely unnecessary to me, and also hard to believe that anyone can be THAT bad at cooking, and ALSO right after he took Nirvana in? sorry to say this, but it seems completely unreal to me. (just personal opinion)
You also might want to include something how Dust actually felt while being with the griffons rather than just saying what happened, the part with the griffons is only 3 paragraphes long (is paragraphes the right word? im german)
and i had a third point that i forgot...
Sorry if that is destructive, but i really needed to say this and hope it turns out helpful
2986860 This is helpful in every way. I've been needing help since the beginning as I'm truly not akin to writing anything more than a one-shot. The fire was included as it was based on events in my life and how poorly I can cook (which did end in a kitchen fire.). Dust is somewhat based on me (Not that backstory though, of course) It does feel unrealistic in a sense, as yes, he did just take Nirvana in.
About how Dust feels while with the griffons, yes that should have been added, and thank you for pointing that out. I kinda just skimmed over it in the three paragraphs it got. Will get fixed in editing asap.
It may turn out destructive, but I'll try everything as a writer to work either with it or around it. Once again, thank you for the help and advice. I hope the story will become better as it goes.
"She had been a slave only four days ago"
four days? you should have pointed that out earlier, it felt like everything happened in one afternoon
2999660 I did mention that they were in the hospital for three days after the fire in the previous chapter.
2999679
Must have overread it. sorry. Have a twist
cant wait to read more
Nice
3000565 Thank you
This picked up speed AND Quality in a short time....Holy crap.
3001821 Thank you. The only reason I could give to the quality increase and speed was that after chapter 1, I stopped using notes I made to plan out my chapters and just begun to write what came to mind.
I'm gonna just follow you, K?
Do ya mean Pinkie Pie or PFUDOR? If you get that reference then yay!
PLEASE BE FLUFFLE PUFF FROM PFUDOR i swear to god if it is i will run around my house with joy FLUFFLE PUFF FOR THE WIN!!1!!11
3002003 fluffle puff.
3004005 SMILES! YAY! PINK FLUFFY UNICORN DANCING ON RAINBOW DASH.
3004955 3004000 You guys do know that there are many other pink ponies, right? But you guesses are the immediate thought for me too. Also, I hadn't thought about bringing Fluffle in the fic until now. Time to get cameos together!
Thank commenters for ideas
Yay for Fluffle!
3012470 Maybe I shouldn't have given hints. Make it a better surprise.
Interesting fic you got here, but chapters are much to short, try to work to get it longer.
3012604 I've tried to make the chapters longer, but my thoughts for each chapter only come out in 1000-2000 words. I'll try to make it longer. But I still try to go by Quality over Quantity
3012619
Just reading this i felt like its totally rushed.
3012629 Yes, I've gotten that from the readers. I've worked on the rushed feeling of it all, but I guess not well enough. I'm going to try to work on it in the following chapters, I'll just need to take more time while writing.
3012647
I think the major problem is that you have a tendency to introduce things or go over situations in a single sentence or maybe two.
Lastly, do you pre-read? There are some mistakes that could be easil fixed
"We started in the market, which was located in the middle of the small town. We passed by many of the stands there."
sounds unnatural but can be fixed easily and fast.
3012786 I usually do the prereading myself as I do not have a prereader. I guess I could elaborate more on topics introduced in the story. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
3012804
When do you pre-read yourself? If you´re doing it right after you wrote you will miss a lot due to tunnel-vision.
YES FLUFFLE!
3012856 I usually leave it a day after I write the chapter. that way I see what I did with a fresh mind. Things still get past me though.
You made good progress. The rushed feeling is not entirely gone, but it wasn´t bugging me through the whole chapter.
There is actually almost nothing i can speciffically point out anymore. Will have to wait for the next chapter to pick on
3062150 Thanks, I'm happy that I am making progress in the story. And I guess you will have to wait until the next chapter to pick on it.
3062160
I´ll probably become famous and hated on fimfiction for picking
3062180 Nah, you're probably my favourite person to hear feedback from. I don't think anyone could hate you, as you give the most useful and helpful aid to writing.
3062193
Well. you are definetly a better author than me. cause you actually WRITE. Im just sitting and thinking and never get a word down