To Save Twilight Sparkle

by sushigeek

How We got Magic

"Oh hell it happened about 5 years ago," Spencer starts, "We had happened to get our hands on this 'mystical' unicorn horn piece and it was said, accordingly to the myth books on unicorns, is that when one eats a shaving of unicorn horn, they then get the ability to cast magic. We tried it and then boom! We have magic. When we started saving civies though, the government wasn't too pleased about our methods of doing so. They thought we where rebels and had to be removed so they send a whole legion of the 'best' to come take us out. They didn't succeed though otherwise you would be in the proccess of being raped right now--"

"Oh please don't mention it again"

"Ok, ok, I won't mention it, but anyways Zach and I kinda go undercover in suits when people are in trouble. We just keep an eye on the news," He gestures at the T.V. behind her, on the local news. "I am Pip and he is Pot. Ha ha ha I've still never gotten over your undercover name though Zach. But this is what we do for a while to keep us off the computers. We also enjoy annoying the government with the fact that we are still out there."

"So what happened to the legion that came to take you guys out?"

"They never found us."
Knock, knock, knock.

"Oh shit! They've found us! Quick Zach, the suits! Hide them!
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Coming! Just one sec!"

"Twilight, Just pretend as if we are watching the news!"

Spencer cracks the door whispers out "Password?"

"This is the Government Tactical Force under the Branch of the Marines. Let us in now."

"Ok ok!"

Spencer opens the door full swing to get charged by a military personnel with a riot shield.

"Hey what the hell man?"

The group still outside the door yells out "We've got them! Go, go, go!"

Spencer immediately slams the door before anybody else can charge in and puts the one inside asleep.

"To the basement!" Spencer orders us. "I'll grab the costumes and we'll get away!"
Slam, Slam ,SLAM!

"Shit they are trying to bust through the door!"

As Twilight and I get into the basement I close the door, when I hear Spencer yell at the militants who just busted though the door "Hey now you see me! Now you don't!" with the following Poof! of his teleportation into the basement.

"Search the area!" the commander of the militants yells.

"Quickly Zach, get the costume on!"

"Are you sure this will work?" Twilight asks with a worried look on her face.

"You darn right it will! We've put in some magical enhancers in the suits to give us more power!" boasts Spencer.

"How did you... never mind now is not the time."

"Right Zach get into position around her. Since you have the greater magic abilities and all, you will teleport her and yourself. I'll flick the lights off in three. You ready?"

"As ready as I could possibly be..."

"Three... Two... One..."

"NOW!"

Extreme Poof!

Author's Note:

The story will still continue! I plan to have the whole thing written within today!

Comments

[JDC]

First, I'd recommend reading the guide to writing stories.

It's really hard to describe everything that's going wrong, so I'd advise asking a professional writer for their opinion.

First, this isn't a crossover. A crossover is where you cross over two different realities with each other (e.g. MLP:FIM with Sonic the Hedgehog, or something).

Second, the individual chapters are far too short, try ~1000 words per chapter, minimum.

Third, the introduction looks like it's aimed at young kids, not teenagers.

Fourth, a lot of the dialogue and descriptions feel very awkward, I'd advise reading some other stories with high ratings to get a feel for what dialogue and descriptions should look like. Also, I'll say it again, read the guide to creating stories.

Overall, I hate to have to say this, but the quality is very, very poor; try going through the guide to writing, and rewrite the story from scratch.

Good luck!

[sushigeek]

2854181 errmm... yes I understand what you say but I am still a 'Firstie' but I tend to keep the plot similar. I was hoping that some1 would let me know what they thought instead of just downing it. Thanks for the advice

[JDC]

2856381
You're welcome. I find it very disconcerting when I see a story get downvoted a lot with no comments containing constructive negative criticism to go with it. The guide is a decent start if you're just starting out, it'll help you avoid some common pitfalls, even if some of it is hard to understand.

[sushigeek]

2856391 Yes and I thank you sir for the criticism and I hope that other people will be more like you and start posting helpful (can be negitive) comments on what to do!
Quote from Red Power Colt (found here in a prank call) Tell me what to do!

[The Psychopath]

Okay. You want criticism? I'll do my best. Already. A MAJOR flaw that you did; Put the disclaimer in a chapter. The description is there for that. The second is, in fact, the description. It gives no insight to the story's plot whatsoever and actually makes one confused about anything that will happen. The most important error you did was make chapters less that a thousand words long. This demonstrates laziness from the author's part and gives an even worse impression on your writing talents.

This one is a personal opinion: It's great that you named your chapters, but maybe try something more colorful like "The sun of the night" instead of "The dream".

Now, for the writing. Dialogue must always be separated, and of you go from description to dialogue, go down a line while using a colon at the end of your paragraph or sentence. Next, the paragraphs themselves. While you use the technique used in books, which I applaud, it looks awkward on a computer screen where everything goes downwards indefinately. Try spacing them and see what happens.

Now, for the story, I have no idea what's going on. You don't describe anything correctly and it all goes way too fast. The worst part is that, unless your character is some kind of pervert, a sane man would not hit on a girl he just met, let alone one who was about to be raped. The worst part is that Twilight doesn't even really seem to care that she was about to go on a Date Grape, and she is way too consenting, even to the one who saved her. And why did Celestia choose him? Give a reason. And what would happen if Twilight isn't "returned" to wherever she comes from?

All in all, this is a very bad story but with proper spelling nonetheless, which earns you a point.

[sushigeek]

2889801
Thank you for the criticism and I applaud you. I really don't care about hateful words that make no meaning at all. But your words are not hateful they are criticism, there for I thank you unlike the OTHER (not including you JDC, for I like both of you as good revisers) people who are too chicken to say anything or really don't care and just dislike without some helpful advice. Thank you, once again, and I hope that you can give me more helpful criticism in the future.
EDIT: Oh also my chapters are short that way I can move on to a different part of the story. Like scenes, I have my chapters show one scene at the time. Also I think if I describe one scene with a million different words, people will start yelling GET ON WITH IT! So hopefully you can see why I am making them short.

[The Psychopath]

2909914 They're short for scenes? People won't yell at you to "get on with it" because you can join scenes together. That's what many of us do here. That's why we can make chapters of a few thousand words instead of just a few hundred. Try joining them and creating a big chapter and see what happens when you read it yourself.

[sushigeek]

2910156
I took your advice. It does definately look better to me. Thanks!

[The Psychopath]

3004821 That's a start!