Time passes, and so do the ponies you love. Equestria is slowly falling down on its knees and Twilight could care less about what is happening to the world around her. Tired of Celestia's selfishness, Twilight has run away, and is traveling Equestia. She is learning to survive and only wishes to be alone.
But how much can one world change in one thousand years? What if all the peace and happiness that Equestria once knew was being taken away? And who would still stand up and fight to gain back that peace?
criticism is welcomed! Seriously, I need to know.
Chapters (4)
Okay, now that I'm done with that, I have some other things to say....
I really think you should go and check this again. There were several grammar errors, plus the words, unless it's a name, shouldn't be capitalized after quotations. "It just looks weird," The person said. And another thing, it should be a comma, not a period. "Also quite odd." Shouted the person. It should look like this:
"Hello, Pinkie," said Twilight.
"Hello Twilight," replied Pinkie.
Another thing is, to me, you used said way too much. Makes the story uninteresting. It seems like you forced this dialogue in some parts, like when Twilight was shouting but she 'said' it. And other parts you used the present form of words, instead of the past, making it sound forced.
But just look through the story again, edit grammar mistakes, stuff like that. (Choosed is not a word). (You also used blowed in a very awkward spot, when they were on the balcony).
Over all, it was a very well written story. I would like to seem more!
2852005
Thanks, I'll get right on that!
I have to know, how did you get so many dislikes?
it is so godt.
2975660
I don't know. Maybe spelling errors, or it's not their taste.
Moar
There's an interesting idea for a story here, but the atrocious grammar and spelling errors have turned me off. You need to get a proofreader and an editor!
3101209
THANK YOU!
No seriously, I needed the advice!
Try to avoid repetition like this. Maybe add some more description to make the scene seem more vibrant? Something like
Emphasis mine
EDIT - More repetition
Repetition is like bumps on a beloved vinyl record, it just takes you straight out of the content you were enjoying
3137906
You really didn't need to do that. I was already checking for any grammar errors, but thanks anyway!
my only complaint so far is that Twilight seems a little under-powered. I mean if she can levitate an Ursa Minor for the considerable distance she had when she was younger you would think an immortal princess would be able to easily lift a burning plank.
3187563
She could barely lift that Ursa, Not to mention she was too distracted by the flames, smoke, foals, thieves, and the house burning down; Twilight needed all her focus just to do that.
Also, she had trouble levitating water when she was training with Zecora.
3188850
still she is an alicorn, and have lived longer than most and her talent, her very calling in life is magic!! so she is definitely under-powered.
Hey, just want to give my little critique of the story so far. No need to take this seriously, since I have absolutely no credentials.
First of all, the reason why I read this story was I found it a very interesting concept. I LOVE a conflicted alicorn Twilight
, and that was what made me read this story. I think this is a very intriguing idea, and you should keep going.
However, what made the reading a bit difficult was two things:
First, the misuse of exclamation points. Especially in the action scenes, it makes everything seem a bit comical and silly. It would be a lot better if there weren't so many.
Second, the grammatical errors and misspellings were easy to find, and took me out of the story. I could still understand what you were saying, but it was a little distracting.
Good job and keep writing!