OOkey then, after i have finished reading both your stories of "kiss in the dark" i really gotta say i find it rather lame that there are so few people sending comments. Thus i am taking it upon myself to give you an extended review after i went through both of them in the last couple of hours.

At first i was unshure, i searched specifically for stories where twi was turned by sombra and his dark powers but it was really strange seeing them dewelop into a couple so fast.
That was one of the points where i wouldnt give you a whole 10 out of 10 for the first story, it felt a little bit rushed. It was not really wrong but i would have liked to read longer and maybe flesh it out a little bit more until you pressed the button for the final bigg bang at the end. In my opinion it could have been at least double the wordcount to lead the readers to your favorable end. But on the other hand i would never say that you left something completely unsead. its just that i feel that some of the choises made by the characters in your fanfic were kinda forced and at one point really wrong. i mean the choise of twi fleeing the sceene of murder. i think you should have expanded this part at least something, because there were not enough pressure on her. (for example celestia talking with her and warning her profoundly that the dark arts are nothing to trifle with and there would be strict consequences if she would be seen dabblingg into them, even if only to study them.) The way you written it i had rather expected twi to become angered at sombra for using her in such a way. i really expected her to feel that she was being controlled... i mean she is a freakin' scolar for suns sake... but oh well, i had to live with your choises and it isnt like you broke it completely for me.
What i dont really condemn is the speed in which sombra got twi to love him. for a guy who is so much older it was as easy as stealing a toy from a baby to wrap this little inexperienced thing of a teenage mare about his hoof.. (ugh this ponytalk is getting to me^^ that the hay^^) She really can't be more than 20 compared to human age, so combined with the fact that she is a certifiable egghead and a year and some months ago she had NO social experience whatsoever (not even starting on things like romance), there is absolutely no chance that she could resist him.
Ok then, continuing all that i find both endings quite nice... especially where twi keeps a somewhat cool head and realises that there is no chance that she can overpower the canterlot army and another princess all by herself.
Btw where was Shining the entire time? you conveniently forgot to include hin into the balance which i find REALLY wrong... things could habe been much more different with him in the mix, and we cant forget that that guy has some pretty darn powerfull shielding spells in his repertuire, that would and could tip the scale of the final battle to the alicorn sisters. and just his presence could theoretically impare twi's actions because fighting against family is something entirely different than protecting your true love against a tyrrannical former mentor. who should be considered family anyway but lets not go there.
So lets just say the end of the first story i found really laking in terms of explanation and also in trems of character involvement.
If you were using that old spiel of the "mastermind corrupting the young protagonist and then letting some accident happen so that the terrified fool would flee in his benevolent hands for the only protection he thinks he can get", then you also should have included "all the friends of the corrupted protagonist gathering together in the quest of freeing him from the grasp of the ghastly tyrant who has bewitched him".
So i really find that the rest of the "main 6", twilight's brother Shining Armour and perhaps even cadence, should have made an entrance in the final battle over twi's heart.
Shure now that we see it that way and compare the power level's you could tell me that it would be impossible for sombra and his newbaked queen to defend themselves against the overwhelming odds. well then factor in that if all the above were present, that celestia couldnt allowe herself to act rushed? none of the newly included would have stood by and done nothing while poor twilight (even if seemingly controlled) PROTECTED SOMEONE who she thought she loved. The armies of canterlot attacked first, they started the slaughter, the poor king just wanted to flee and lick his wounds, he would never ask his queen to battle against family and friends, sombra and twi were forced to defend themselves against attacks long bevore they could even start explaning themselves. whoever told that the ruling bodies of equestria were ALWAYS correct?
If written differently i'd even expect a rift so evolve between the ponies who came to save twi.
So then after all i written above i can say that its all in the stars, and you didnt do it because you had your ofn reasons, which i respect, i just would hope that in the future you would wrap things up more smoothly and think of all the characters that you may have forgotten.

Getting to story two (just so you know even if i had that much to bicker about i still enjoyed your story good enough to want and read the sequel, which right now seems to be a little underappreciated):

Interesting plot twists all the way through! wow! i REALLY LOVE the way you portrayed Luna and i really hope that you continue to use that old canterlot thong of her, i could DRINK that speech. (I am a giant fan of old languages and different accents myself so just bear with my fanatism here^^) and her decision!! WOW. i completely approve! that was something that really shows her resolve not to let past mistakes happen again. (thats a solid pro)
Celestias decision of asking the gryphons for ALL their forces i dont really like at the other hand. just as the fact that she and the general have a really old friendship connecting them, makes it all feel like you just had to pull a deus ex machina outa your something just to make things infinitely harder for the protagonist. (thats a con in my mind)
her friends still thinking of her and even starting to develop plans of supporting her, now THAT what i call real friends. even while there is danger ahaid of them that they could pe prosecuted for helping a dangerous criminal they dont stop of thinking of her as a friend. commendable. and that one litte episode with pinkie? you've done it completely right. (so then that's another pro)
now lets see, have i forgot to add something? still no sign of Shining Armour and Candence, which you really should rectify, (dont forget we still need the reaction of the big brother for not being included into the strikeforce. that really has to be explaned somehow.)
then hmm.. rainbow zapping between the library and the everfree forest should be really suspicious but i think you know that and will address it somehow.
then the diamond dogs, interesting idea here, and i really hope that wasnt their only appearence in this fanfiction, btw you got their speech patterns down perfectly and... jeah! a thousand cookies for the "diggy-diggy-hole" reference, i got a hiccup laughing so hard on that. Honeydew can be proud that his legacy is unforgotten.

Ok, i think that would be all.. i am sorry that i had so many things to complane and plz dont think that i try to change you story into something you dont want. its just that i like the whole idea and it really tugged at my heart. (and i am kinda a perfectionist if it comes to fiction, my fantasy is running crasy all the time with me, just dont try and look for any of my work, i've only written in german or russian so far, and my english grammar is really bad so i just dont go here jet. its not even my native language so please dont flame my errors in this reply. :-)

So then, after all of this, i hope you continue writing on this ff and that i havent scared you off or offended you in any way with something that i have written.

thanks for your time and i hope i'll read you soon again, buy-buy and have fun.

alehhandro .;-]

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Ah, thank you for the wunderbar feedback! First, I'm not trying to shift the blame, but I didn't actually write the first story. I started reading it when it was about half-way done, and was among many who thought that the ending was lacking heavily, or had several other problems with it. So, I decided to write a better ending!
Second, thank you again for being honest in your criticisms. Shining and Cadance are probably going to show up soon, and we just haven't had much chance to see them. And I'm particularly proud of how well I apparently write Luna's speech. I'm always worried I flubbed something, but according to everyone I'm just about bang on the money as far as eighteenth-century grammar goes. (If you'd like more of that, She's in a couple other stories of mine. They're my first ones, and they're kinda crap, but if you can look past that, they are improving.)
Pinkie is... well, like I said, she writes herself. If I get her going, and do it right, I kinda end up... "channeling" Pinkie? It's a bit odd, but It's a wonderful feeling. I believe I'm not the only one to do this, as there's a great song called Balloons in my Basket that has very much the same feel. That it's just... Right. That Pinkie actually had some input on it, and got the song right. I'm still waiting for someone to do a female cover, though.
Finally, the Gryphons bit was something I actually had planned from the beginning. Celestia has an inkling of an idea just how dangerous Twi/Sombra are, and she knows the Gryphons are better fighters than the Equestrians. (Maybe even a little more technologically advanced. 'Cause, ya know... Thumbs.) Trust me, it'll all even out in the end, when they're gonna need all the troops they can get.
Again, Thank you for the feedback! This was just what I needed, and it helped me get my ducks in a row for the next chapter. Hope you enjoy them as they come!

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wow.. that was fast, i didnt expect you to reply to my comment on the same day, let alone 50 minutes later.. hehe..
i just gotta say that i always try to be honest with my replies and am happily awaiting all the new things you will introduce in this story...

on the off hand, i have finished reading "Clockwork Moon" and you will get a bigger reply on this as i am writing now but after my email told me you replied that fast i just HAD to do the same...
Your Luna speech is.. just... OVER 9000!!!!! wow...

ok then, good night and untill later... really gotta go and have some sleep now...
gn8 and have fun writing...

alehhandro .;-]

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Yeah, I have kind of an odd schedule. There's two computers in the house, and I only reliably have access to one; which is what what I do my writing on. (It also doesn't have internet, and it's older than I am.) The other one I usually have to bargain my way onto, or wait until everyone else leaves. So, when I am on, it's usually for a while, and you could probably hold a conversation with me through comments. Still, it'd fill them up with guff that didn't really have anything to do with the story, so let's not do that, eh?

“So, Squirt and the others won’t mind us using this?”

“Nah, they’re at Rares’. Woulda used the barn, but Big Mac’s in there now fixing one’the wagons. ‘Sides, ain’t nothing wrong with using the clubhouse.”

“Dash, if you wanted us to be this close you just hadda ask… Although doin’ it in a filly’s clubhouse is kind of a turnoff for me.”

“Eep!”

“Chill, Flutterbutt. Just jokin’ around. So what’s this plan, Dash?”

“Alright. So, let’s say Twi comes back to town.”

“Not ta take that train’a thought off the tracks ‘fore it leaves the station, but why would she do that?”

“’Cause I know Twi. Egghead can’t stay away from her books for too long. And she’s, well, an egghead. Betcha she’ll sneak into town somehow. And we gotta help her out.”

“…Dash, you know I was stationed here to kill her on sight, yeah?”

“And are you going to, G?”

“No, but there’s one helluva difference between turning a blind eye to a friend of a friend and outright assisting a criminal.”

“Now hold up jes’ one second. We all know, present company exceptin’, that no way, no how, would Twi pull what they’re all sayin’ she did. Ah’m thinkin’ we ain’t got the whole story, an’ maybe she don’t either.”

“…This could all be a misunderstanding… Twilight didn’t kill those guards?”

“Sorry, Flutters. Our intel definitely said a buncha dead guards, but I don’t trust the part where it said it was your friends’ fault.”

“Shaky ground, G, shaky ground…”

“Sorry. Everything’s gonna be fine, Flutters.”

“…It’s okay…”

“So, as I was saying, our egghead’s gonna try to sneak back. So where do you think she’s gonna try to go first?”

“Shoot, reckon that’d be the library.”

“Boom. Problem is-“

“Problem is, all our squads were told to stay the hell away from the Library, ‘cause that was where the only Royal Guards in town are still stationed.”

“Thanks G. So, we have to let Twilight know somehow, and set up her stuff somewhere else.”

“An’ it’s gotta be somewhere none’a us have any solid connection to.”

“Wha- Applejack!”

“Whoa, nelly! Ah’m jes’ sayin, ya’ll proved we ain’t gonna do no good in jail. An’ where do ya’ll think they’ll search first?”

“…Fine. And we can’t pin it on anypony else in town either. I’m not tossing anypony in Ponyville out to dry.”

“…She can stay at my house… I don’t mind…”

“Flutters, don’ take this th’ wrong way, but ya’ll ain’t exactly a jailbird.”

“Snrk!”

“G…”

“Aw, come on Dash, the Apple pony made a funny! Can’t I laugh at that?”

“Jes’ tryin’ ta lighten the mood. Gotta have some humour, or it’ll all get depressin’ real quick-like.”

“…Fine. But seriously, anypony got any ideas? I didn’t think planning would be this hard.”

“Sugarcube, ya’ll are doin’ a mighty fine job anyhow. I’m sure Twi would be proud.”

“Nah, not really. She made all the best plans, ever since the first night we met her- Hey, wait a sec, that’s it!”

“Pardon?”

“Whut?”

“…?”

“Back when we first met her! ‘The Night that Lasted a Week’? We could set her up in the old castle, in the Everfree!”

“Dunno, Dash. Kinda remote.”

“An’ I did say th’ Everfree’s bein’ a bit more free than usual…”

“…Not that there’s anything wrong with it… well, maybe just a few teensy-weensy things…”

“No no, listen. You girls work here in town, being sneaky and collecting everything she’ll need, and I can fly back and forth to get it there! Fastest Pegasus in Equestria, remember?”

“…Shoot. Ah jes’ realized ah actually like Dash’s plan.”

“Isn’t that, like, a sign of the apocalypse or something?”

“Hey, AJ, G, come on, you were just saying how proud she’d be of me…”

“Ah know, ah know. We’re jes’ yanking yer reins.”

“It’s a …workable plan, Dash. I’ll see what I can do on my end, you read?”

“Cool. I’ll go scout it out, right? AJ, can you handle food and stuff, maybe some camping supplies? I didn’t see any beds last time we were up there.”

“Eeyup. Ah’ll see what we can get outta the stores.”

“Great! Meet back here in… what, an hour?”

“Copy.”

“You got it.”

“…Um… I’ll go tell Pinkie Pie and Rarity, if that’s all right… And you don’t have anything else for me to… oh, you’ve already left… Okay then… Go team? …Woo-hoo?”

Hooooly shit. I refrain from commenting at all 90% of the time, but holy hell, please for the love of god put some atttibution. There are 4-6 potential speakers here, and you dont describe anything. No body language, no movements, no scenery, etc. It will keep these long dialogue sections from getting super confusing between who is talking in a group > 3.

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Dangit, I was trying to avoid that. It's a conversation between Dash, Gilda, Applejack, and Fluttershy. I was trying to get through a scene only using dialogue, and hopefully easily establishing all of their unique voices, but if people are having a problem with it...
Well, gimme a sec.

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There is a significant difference between establishing unique voices, and going all dialogue. I'll reply in a min with a bit of an explanation of what I mean, need to type it up.

Um, Twilight is described as a Unicorn several times here. ...Don't these stories take place post MMC, so she'd be an alicorn?

hey pinkie do you really write yourself