You know, some times I'm forced to wonder just what it is I ever saw in My Little Pony that had me so hooked. Was it the way everyone seemed to just accept everyone else for their weirdness? Maybe the way the show itself kind of reminded me of the cartoons I used to watch when i was little and thought getting up early on a saturday was a good thing. Maybe it was the way that I felt some connection with a few of the ponies, Luna in particular, and could honestly relate to what they went through in their day to day lives as portrayed on screen. Whatever it was I honestly don't regret that I wound up here in Equestria, but I do wonder just what it was that I saw in ponies sometimes... Like how the moment I set paw in that little town I was assured would accept me I found myself stripped of my armor and my axe and once again in a cage. Broken had cried outrage at this, but the ponies just saw a lone creature that looked enough like a diamond dog for them to focus all their hate on... Me.
Make no mistake dear readers, ponies are racist little fucks sometimes. So much so that I have to consider Ponyville to be a mecca of love and tolerance among a world filled to the brim with xenophobia. In this case I suppose I can't really blame them though, from what I learned later they'd been terrorized here by the very same D-Dogs I slaughtered for years and years, so much so that it was a mandatory thing to teach your foals to fight here in this village. I suppose I'd better give you the name, not like you'll find the place though. It was wiped off the map. Colt's Breath Village, population one hundred ponies, mixed fairly evenly between earth ponies and unicorns with the odd pegasus here and there for the weather. Lets not forget one undead worgen who was trying his... Or rather her, damndest not to want to kill everything there.
I'd been in my little cell for a couple days with very little to do. The cell had been made to house unicorns who broke the law, but the gold-cored reinforced bars were strong enough to stop even a raging earth pony, I should know I watched one break both his legs trying to buck his way out of a similar cell. I've been told that the cells were made in a way that helped disperse ambient magic and the gold cores of the bars were inscribed with dampening runes that stopped all magic within. Even my own apparently, and yes I'd tried... I just wound up with the biggest humdinger of a headache I'd ever had the displeasure to make the acquaintance of.
In the time I'd been in that cell I'd gotten quite familiar with my new body, and not in the pervy way you guys are thinking either, I simply inspected certain aspects which had piqued my curiosity. First off was the fact that I indeed didn't have any kind of pulse or heartbeat, no wonder Broken had thought I was dead. That said there was a gentle sort of... Well pulse is a fitting word I suppose, where my heart should have been beating. Don't ask me just how I knew, but I knew it wasn't my heart. This was something else, a soft little drumbeat of icy energy keeping my soulless husk of a body "alive." Second thing I gave a good once over was my skin, and all that took was brushing my fur aside a bit to get a look... By the way, if you often rub your pets against the grain of their fur, don't... It feels weird as hell. Anyways, my skin was that dark blue color that a long frozen corpse gets, so blue its almost black at certain points, and for some reason that bothered me a little. I suppose I can't really and truely complain I could have been something worse than what I was given that Elune's usual chosen messengers were night elves, and who'd want to be purple? Not me that's who.
I was busy inspecting my claws, sort of admiring the play of light over the hard black surfaces of the flesh rending things that used to be my fingernails when I was interrupted by a rather loud bang. I yelped, jumping and winding up smacking my head against the top of my cage before I knew what had actually happened. Apparently the guards had decided to come poke some fun at the caged animal, and let it know just what had become of its things... I was far more focused on the fact that one of these guards just so happened to be my friend.
He'd cleaned up quite well since last I saw him, and for a cute pony he looked rather intimidating in his guard uniform. The cold grey of the iron armor clashed with that warm chocolate colored coat of his, making the armor seem all the more noticeable. What was even more noticeable though was the fact that he shared the very same look as the guards who'd come to make my day even more miserable.
A look of loathing and hate. He was the first to speak, and his words just broke me on the inside.
"Alright bitch, three things. Your armor and weapon have been melted down and used to forge more armor and weapons for the guard. Good quality metal is hard to get this close to the Equestrian border, so we take what we can get even if it comes from some weird mutant D-Dog like yourself. Secondly, You're to be publically executed tomorrow at noon, and we all look forward to seeing that head of your's roll dog... Finally... I want to thank you for being such a nice little tool. Turning you in got me my old job back, and a promotion. I promise, when I bring the axe down on your neck tomorrow it'll only be slightly blunted... Sleep tight Rune, you've got a big day tomorrow."
I stared at him as he turned to go, rocked to my core at how flippantly casual that how little tirade had been. I'd honestly thought of that guy as a friend, even though I'd only known him for a day or so. He'd been kind enough to me, had been the only one to show me even an ounce of human decency since I woke up here.,, Even Elune, though she'd spoken kindly to me, seemed to see me as more of a tool or faithful pet than a person, Broken Wall hadn't done that though, he'd spoken to me like he saw me as an equal of some sort... I was still mulling this over when I distantly heard the door of my cell open and hooves clop closer to me. All thoughts were driven from my mind other than pain when I felt those same hooves begin to beat me into unconsciousness. It didn't matter to me... I just wanted to know why. Why did those I let get close always do something like this. My last thought before a well placed blow robbed me of thought for awhile was that I was going to get my answers tomorrow... And I'd be damned if I went to the grave alone.
I opened my eyes to stars once again, though it wasn't who I was expecting who welcomed me to the astral plane this time around. A voice I knew well enough from a certain show rang out behind me, and it didn't sound all that happy to see me.
"I see another one of you aliens has made it here... And theres a touch of a foreign moon upon you too. So who was it who sent you then? Artemis? Tsukuyomi? Speak up girl, I haven't got all night you know."
I turned around, ears falling flat and a soft whine escaping my throat as I looked up into the disapproving face of Luna herself. I shuffled from paw to paw for a moment before I answered. "Elune..."
She snorted and shook her head slightly, a bit of the hostility falling away. "In that case, I'm sorry for what's coming for you girl. She's almost as bad as Sharr sometimes, not because she's a dark goddess mind you, but she cares little for those in her charge, Rest here in peace then, you look like you need it."
Just like that she was gone, leaving me alone in a field of stars. The astral plane was really quite beautiful when you didn't have anything to distract you just so you know. Since I didn't I sighed a bit and laid myself down, watching the stars all around spin through their celestial dance for awhile. Sleep took me unawares, but I wasn't going to complain, it was too peaceful here for me to care.
I awoke once again, and I woke to pain. There wasn't an inch of me that the guards hadn't pummeled, or so it felt. With nothing but fur between me and their hooves, it was no wonder I was sore as hell and hardly able to move.I really had to thank whatever it was that allowed me to heal as fast as i did, otherwise I'm sure I'd have been sporing enough broken bones to make me rattle when I moved.
As it was, moving hurt like a bitch... I hate that word... Moving hurt like a mother buzzard, there thats a bit better. I found that out the hard way as I pushed myself up onto all fours, a surprisingly natural position for me to be in. In effort to stretch out some serious kinks I padded around my cell as I was, and found the motion of walking about like a beast to be easy, in some ways easier than walking like I used to. I kept pacing for awhile, it was kind of calming even if it did make me feel like a zoo animal.
Noon rolled around and with it came the guard, and for once there was something else in their eyes as they looked at me besides blind hate and self righteousness. There was fear. For that matter I could smell it on them, an acrid stink akin to piss and sickness that made me wrinkle up my snout in disgust. They took a step back at the sight of my teeth, one's they'd broken in their beating the day before, once again whole and ivory white. It didn't deter them though, they had a job to do and a "Diamond Dog" to see dead. I let them slip the iron collar around my neck and lead me outside.
They lead me to a raised platform that was topped with a simple chopping block stained a rusted red, and I could smell the old blood on it, old blood and old darkness clung to it tightly. Broken stood nearby, a large iron axe resting against his side. If the block was blood stained, the axe was drenched in the stuff. It had a history... It had a certain... something to it, and that something whispered to me in a way my old axe hadn't. I knew I wanted that axe though and it wanted me... It was kind of... Exciting in a way that sent a shiver down my spine. A shiver that the guards chuckled at. "That's right, this is the end for you bitch..." he stage whispered, drawing a laugh from his fellow guard pony.
I was lead atop this platform and staked down, head centered over the block and my eyes facing the slowly growing crowd. I glared at them all, hating them a bit, but unable to blame them for this. No the one I blamed with busy hefting that axe up, holding the long haft in his mouth by the leather wrapped handle.
"For the crimes committed against the Equestria ponies by your kind and for heinous acts committed against the ponies of this village you are sentenced to death by decapitation. May Celestia have mercy on your soul, for we shall not." proclaimed one of the guards, and I took that as my cue. I clenched my clawed hands tightly against the wooden planks on which I stood and pushed down as hard as I could. With a thunderous crash I broke the platform around the chopping block, sending it falling though and dragging me right along with it as gravity took over. Even so, that axe came whistling down, and pain exploded throughout my head as it connected with my skull, deflecting off the bone and tearing a long ragged gash in my scalp.
I snarled, doing my best to ignore the pain and blood as it dripped down my face to splatter against the block below me. Gritting my teeth in effort I took hold of my chains and gave them a massive tug, shattering them and letting myself drop fully into the hole I'd opened up while Broken was busy trying to get the axe up for another swing. I wasn't having that, not at all. No, this bastard was going to answer me before he met the reaper. Just as he got that axe in position again I grabbed his forelegs and yanked him in after me, fouling up his swing and rendering that axe useless in the tight confines beneath the platform. Under here, I had all the advantages, claws, fangs, and a frame that allowed me a better range of motion in such tight confines, he had hooves and I made sure to lodge him up under one of the cross beam supports so he could get up well enough to put em to use.
"Why'd you do this, Broken?" I asked him, fangs bared an inch from his face. He just spat and did his best to hit me. Resigning myself to a bit of grim work I dodged around his flailing hooves, though the blows I took were pretty ineffectual as his position robbed them of much force, and dug a claw into his stomach, just ahead of his hind legs.
""Good bye then Broken Wall... Or Broken Promise as you should have been named..." I said, mostly to myself, as I gutted him, leaving him there to die under the stage as he flailed about in pain, panic, and his own spilled intestines. I turned back once as I was leaving after grabbing up that axe, that look of blind hatred hadn't left his eyes, nor had he taken them off me much despite the way he was obviously distressing. Shaking my head I climbed out of the grave I'd turned this little stage into and that day I made ninety-nine more... There was one other grave made that day too, a grave for who I used to be, now even I had to call myself a bloody demon, nothing else would put an entire town to the axe just to save its own skin.
Hmm, Wouldn't her armor be able to recovered? I'm assuming it's soulbound, plus its the armor of a deathknight. I can't imagine it could be broken down all that easily. The way I its like the one ring, it wants to return to its master. Even if it has to tell her how to reforge itself it wants to return. But again, what the hell do I know. I just don't like it when someone loses something for no other reason the universe wants to dick with them.
I'm so damn curious to what she'll do next, will she raise an undead army to take over equestria for the lich king? or will she carve out her own kingdom in the frozen north (above the crystal empire) in his name? Travel the world alone, with an entourage of the living, or with the undead she's raised? Or maybe even a combination of the two?
There is once scene though I really want to see. I know it's possible, as she can turn off the 'cold' by taking the blood aspect so she doesn't turn into a pup-cicle again. But I really hope we get to see her 'Take a walk' if you know what I mean. Maybe lead a couple of her non-living friends to raze a port town? something like that. But again, that's just something I think would be cool.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121030183841/pirates/images/c/c0/Crew_underwater.png
(Pirates of the Caribbean style!)
Now to the actual important stuff, just a little criticism, I kind of find it hard to believe that Broken wouldn't be at all conflicted about Runes treatment, he did spend a day or two with her. Saw her for what she was (a person I hope, I kinda got that vibe), and quite possibly owes his life to her (or did at least) and for the fact that she cleaned out the D dog den. I can see herd mentality taking over and all, and I can imagine that the town wouldn't hesitate to put her to the sword for no other reason than her appearance and forcing Broken to go along with it, even if he's not entirely behind it. but the fact he didn't even try to explain the situation to the townsfolk or to warn Rune beforehand irks me a bit. If you could justify it, give reason behind his hate, even if it's just because he's a racist bastard in the end: WHY is he a racist bastard?
For some reason this chapter feels very short to me other than that and my other gripe it's a decent enough. it's not even about the word count or anything like that or the actual physical length, it just doesn't feel like much happened.
If I can make one suggestion it would be to work on your character motivation, we know that he/she is in equestria in order to "Bring fame to the name of Elune" but what is he/she going to do to further that goal? What would Elune want Rune to do to bring this fame? Is he/she going to ditch that in the name of the lich king?
Also, what's going to happen when this town suddenly drops of the map? someones going to notice eventually and when it gets back to the equestrian government that an entire town appears to have been slaughtered. (I can't imagine Rune bothered to clean up, I mean 100 ponies with a battle axe? thats going to leave a few stains.)
Having a path of self discovery is a perfectly valid formula for a story about how Rune's morals and motivations can change. However for every path you have to start somewhere. I see a lot of potential to be had in this story and I really would like it see it rise to its fullest.
I know I might gush with weird ideas, or bring up a few inconsistencies or my opinion, I just ask that you remember I do this only because I want to see this story take off and be as amazing as I know it can be.
Wishing you good fortune,
JarOfHearts
P.S. Sorry for being sounding so harsh, I don't want to be mean I swear!
2955428
Well now that the whole take a walk thing is stuck in my head I might just make use of that at a later date, so thanks for that... I was trying to save my pop culture references for From the Outside In, mostly because its a lot more light hearted and I kinda lake making with teh lolz in that story.
To address things in order of where you put em though, Broken Walls was meant to come across as deliberately distant while he was with Rune and if I fell short on that it's my fault and I need to go back and fix it. I think that's one reason I need to write when I'm not running on caffeine and not much else, I tend to get slightly spacey when I am and its safe to say everything I do suffers for it.
Rune will be getting some pretty serious characterization in the next chapter or two, just depends on how what I've got planned comes out when I sit down to write it. Just realized I skipped the armor thing.
Rune's armor and axe weren't soulbound, they were just saronite equipment (though the axe was technically raid gear) and I had been planning on stripping her down to basics, this was how I choose to do it. Her new axe however will be soulbound, though not quite in the traditional sense. Since its not really a plot-centric spoiler that axe was the one that town used for every execution performed at that spot over the years, and had been there long before, the head of it anyways. Its got a long history of spilling blood and ending lives, and an object like that takes on a life of its own after a while. That "life" has attached itself to something with a penchant for slaughter, namely Rune. Sentient weapons, I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong with being the one wielding such a thing.
As for where this story shall go, I have a pretty long and winding road mapped out, hell I won't likely include any known ponies for a while yet as Rune's still working her way inland and away from the horrors she's wrought so far. Border towns Like Colt's Breath (which is a flower by the way XD), at least to my mind, aren't likely to be noticed going dark for a while due to the slowness of snail mail and a lack of a railway connection.
Think that about covers it all for now, please never feel like you're being overly critical, I appreciate it I really do. If you've got any other questions I prefer PMs, lets me answer them without giving away mass spoilers... and makes me feel all Bond-ish... Secret communications containing essential information, must prevent interceptions!
2955475
Thank you for understanding, Broken's betrayal is fine as long as it was planned. How and if you decide to expand upon their interactions is entirely up to you.
And while I don't like the loss of armor, sometimes that's just the way the cards are dealt. And I can accept that. And you have me intrigued with the axe head.
And even if they don't notice for like, three months, Colts Breath will still be missed eventually. as long as I know that isn't going to be ignored, I am content. Actions have consequences after all.
...to be continued in pm
dun dun dadaddun dun dun...
2955515
If you listen very very VERY close you may hear a pegasus other than Fluttershy go "meep" for once... Namely me... If anypony needs me I shall be hiding in my hat! Portable hole in the lining, very useful that way.
2955537 Next chapter in 3 or 4 days?
2956045 Tomorrow actually
2956744 May I ask, are you building this equestria like some RPG world?
Also, since (s)he's a naked worgen, won't (s)he need armor? I mean, really? they melted his armor? That shit was above steel that probably couldn't even be melted in the fires of hell itself (If he's wearing what I think he is.)
2956792
Saronite is a metal like any other, just tougher than steel and easily enchanted. Rune's armor was just plan saronite, the glow came from rune's power not anything to do with the armor. She's also covered head to paw in fur. She'll fit right in considering that ponies run about without a stitch most of the time.
Not sure how much chessverse stuff you read, but the way the world was built came across sort of RPG-ish yes. I'm just slightly more overt with it lol. No I won't go adding in anything that dosen't really belong in a sense.
2956812 So we refer to Rune as a She? Very well.
Also, I can take pride in saying that i'm probably one of the most active readers on FimFiction. (But this also equals me being picky with my stories.)
So this may unfold to be a good story, but she's being a bit harsh on herself, I mean really, if anyone would place me under false suspicion and try to kill me just because I look diffrent, well let's just say that I wouldn't let a single soul escape to heaven, i'dd bind them ALL into a single body, prefferably of a rat.
2956837
A village of a hundred ponies, mares, stallions, and foals. The general population did nothing to her but turn up to watch her die. She went out of her way to kill them all. Hence the whole monster thing.
2956853 She lost herself, big deal.
You see, many may think her act as... Evil or unholy, but you seem to be forgetting something important here: What would've happen to the village if she DID die? Let's assume there's not a spirit healer there (I doubt there is) and they decapitate a death knight, the lich of her soul would unleash and they all would probably die (With the rest of equestria) in a giant Plague.
2956871
XD A lich has to have a corporeal form to truly affect anything, otherwise its just a really smart ghost. Besides that lichs aren't created in that way, becoming a lich is a conscious choice. One has to bind their soul to an object to house it and keep it safe as their body undergoes the accent into lichdom. That's the typical manner for it. In WoW a lich is made through a powerful bit of magic requiring an outside source of power for the new lich to absorb, case and point being the corrupting of the Sun Well. The destruction of Quel'Thalas and nigh destruction of an entire people just to raise a single, if extremely powerful, lich. Go give a book titled Arthas a read, its a wonderful book.
2956906 When I use terms as 'Inner Lich' or similarities, I usualy don't mean it litelary, more like that her soul would somehow corrupt the population, who knows? maybe in her dying moment she unleashed a plague strike followed by Icy Touch and spread sickness? (whatever that spell is called.) and infected the population?
2956917 Outbreak would be more appropriate as it causes both frost fever and blood plage. You'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out anything really substantial though. Big chapter coming and some epic feats of necromancy.
2956937 Score! If you want any tips on how necromancy works i'm more than willing to help.
2956938
All magic works on basic thamaturlogical theory and I'm familiar with necromancy in general. Nothing I'd ever really considering practicing as its an affront to the cycle, but I know enough. Given a choice to choose a branch of magic to be able to use I'd take illusion. Illusion magic is highly underrated for how powerful it can really be. A person's mind is a powerful thing and convince the mind of something, the body has no choice but to follow suit. That and illusions are great for pranks XD
flashbacks of good old "First Blood", shit holes like that NEED to be burned off the map if nothing else to keep good and decent people from getting who knows what done to them
nice chapter.
ps. Rune should have left them as they lay
2957286
Was being metaphorical with the graves... By the by, if you're the seventh brony, what happened to one through six?
2956953 And you're saying that reviving someone's dead brother isn't a good prank? Blasmathy!
Also, i've practiced necromancy for years, that's why I told you to ask me any questions regarding it.
And by the way: An master illusionist versus a Lich, i'm pretty sure that a lich would win xD.
Unless you're some god-like being that specializes in illusions.
Well, I guess illusion magic could be cool, but I think conjuration magic would be better.
This sounds disturbingly familiar.
2960044
How so? If I've gone and done something striking similar to another author it wasn't my intention.
No no
Most of my family from the medivial era were put to the axe
And they were the most despicable soliders.
2960084
Ah. I could spout off with something in line with my faith, but I won't because frankly its mildly insulting when other people do it to me, so why do it myself? In any case my apologies if I've brought up anything you'd rather remained buried beneath the sands of time.
Also, it helps if you click the reply button for comments instead of just posting another comment. Little chat bubble in the upper right of the comment as it appears on the thread.
2960119
Thanks wondered how to do that.
Also don't bother they were monsters to the civis and I can't give two fucks about them.
2960147
For some reason I have this strange image of fluttershy dressed up as the pope damning souls to some unspeakable underworld with cuteness and a scary amount of conviction... Someone should draw this!
2960154
haha oh god
Cuteness be with you.
2960168
Bless thee with teh coot
2960181
yeah man my family is brutal but we have been in every war from now to the roman empire
so yeah my family is brutal.
2960223
Mine's got their roots in like almost every European country and some Native American as well. Not sure about wars, never went and looked, but I'm your classic pure bred American mutt XD
2960254
see ya tomorrow
also like the mention that the axe has a story nearly as bloody as my family's
2960296
May the moon light your path to pleasant glades and peaceful dreams.
2960316
I don't dream or have nightmares.
luna holds no sway over me.
and nightmare can not break me.
Plenty of other things would. My sister, for one.
At this point I'm going to stop reading.
This character is so incredibly stupid, that there is no fun at all in the story. Stories loose a lot when you are forced to watch someone making stupid decision after stupid decision, after stupid decision. It's fun watching a underdog dig his way to freedom. It's not fun to watch someone jump into the hole and then struggle to dig their way out, because you keep thinking, Why the fuck did you jump in, in the first place?!?
He wasn't moral, he was a moron.
I almost never give a story a thumbs down. In all the years Ive been on this board, I can count the number of down votes on the fingers on one hand.