Boredom
Daring Do hissed in pain each time her injured leg grasped a hoofhold and pulled her higher up the crumbling rocky crag. Exhausted and defeated, the only thing giving her the strength to climb was sheer willpower. She would not die in this collapsing ruin; she would not give up until she was free. The earth all around her shook with a loud roar, as if the very ruin itself was angry with her escape.
She could still hear it beneath her.
Deep within the belly of the ruin she could hear Spear Thistle’s voice, pleading for her to come back. Daring Do steeled herself against it; she knew it wasn’t her friend down there, but rather the thing that had killed her friend. She pushed the thought out of her head and concentrated on her escape. Her forehead bled from being pummeled by bits of falling rock and she squinted, unable to wipe the blood out of her eyes that was trickling down her face. She was so close to the top. Mustering her last ounce of strength, she reached for the light that poured through the opening and—
And I can’t take it anymore.
Frustrated with boredom, you exhaled deeply and folded the corner of the page to mark where you had left off. Although you really had nothing else to do with your time, you had been reading Daring Do and the Indrian Fissure all day and just couldn’t stare at the lines of text any longer. It was as if your eyes themselves had become bored with reading: Each time you tried to read a sentence your eyes would begin to wander away like they were looking for something more interesting against your will.
You dropped the book on the small table beside the couch and stared at the clock. It was barely a quarter after one, and already you were bored out of your mind. Normally you could while away a slow boring day indoors without even thinking about it; normally such a day would be well spent and well enjoyed, and you would be lamenting having to return to work the next day. This was never the case when you were trying to pass the time. Forcing yourself to stay indoors was just mind-numbing, but the ponies in town were still acting weird, and you knew going outside was far less pleasant than being bored out of your skull.
The ponies acted so very much like humans that, for the most part, you tended to forget that they were, in fact, ponies. True they were nothing like horses and ponies from your home country: they came in every color scheme imaginable, used magic and flew, and lived lives and had personalities very much like people, but they were still ponies none the less. It had caught you off guard to learn that for about four days a month through the spring mares go into heat. Thankfully the thing with Octavia…
That which will never be mentioned ever again.
…Was the worst of it by far. Ponyville was mostly women and you could definitely tell that something was up by how different they were acting, but for the most part a lot of them were just acting moody and weird. You had noticed a few leering stares pointed your way, but that was the extent of it. You had just pretended you didn’t notice; even if it did make you feel uncomfortable, this was the way things were in Equestria and you would simply have to adapt to it.
Or stay hidden indoors until it’s over.
You had chosen the latter and stood by it. An entire town full of pony women in heat was just eerie. It wasn’t even how they were acting, but rather that they were all acting so different than normal. It made you feel like you were in a Sci-Fi movie and was the last one in town to be assimilated by mind-controlling aliens.
Thankfully, nobody had come into the post office at all during your last shift, and the two ponies who worked in the office with you were both men. Yesterday and today were your days off, and with any luck, this whole ‘heat’ thing would be dying down by the time you got back to work.
“Well…” you said aloud to cut the silence, “If there’s absolutely nothing to do, I might as well make the most of it.” You put your feet up on the coffee table and cradled your head on the armrest. Closing your eyes and waiting to doze off, your mind began to wander and you found yourself wondering why the couch had a backrest even though the ponies sat like, well ponies. Except for Lyra, of course.
Lyra doesn’t count.
She was so loveably odd compared to other ponies that you sometimes wondered if she was some kind of undiscovered species. Admittedly, you couldn’t help but like her for her weirdness. Thinking of this reminded you of the time you and her had met: You had just gotten off the train in Ponyville and had taken a seat on a bench to collect your thoughts. A few ponies had walked by but only gave very confused and almost alarmed looks your way. Then Lyra went by and, as soon as she spotted you, took a seat upright just like a human would and engaged you in a conversation. Unlike the others who had looked at you like you were an alien, she had made you feel very much at home.
Then she promptly weirded me out by asking for an ear scratch.
You chuckled, half-asleep. Lyra was oddly obsessed with being scratched and pet that you wondered if she secretly wished she was a cat. It was easily her most annoying quality, but it also said a lot about how much you valued her friendship if you could put up with her eccentricities and think nothing of it anymore. She was one of a kind, and just about the best friend you had ever had.
BANG BANG BANG
The loud knock at your door rudely jolted you out of your half-asleep hebetude. You grumbled quietly under your breath and sincerely considered ignoring it, until it hit you that it was probably Raindrops. Last week she had asked if you knew anything about fixing a sink, and before you could even answer had offered to make you your favorite baked goods if you did. Hearing that you promptly agreed and she said she would swing by as soon as the new faucet was delivered. For your favorite baked goods, you were more than willing to face the townsfolk and headed for the door.
Expecting to see a yellow pegasus fluttering at eye level, you were taken aback when you instead came face to face with the lazy smile of a huge red earth pony. You instantly recognized him as Big McIntosh, the one who had invited you to the get-together before The Incident with Lyra. You couldn’t possibly know what he of all ponies could want, but you welcomed the company and greeted him politely.
“Howdy.” He said in a heavy southern drawl. “Mind if Ah hang out here a while?”
“Uhhhh… sure?”
“Ah don’t mean to be a bother.” He said, obviously picking up on your hesitance, “It’s just that time of year again, y’know.”
“Oh, OH!” You said with sudden clarity. “Yeah, you can bunker down here if you want. Come on in.”
“Much obliged, friend. Ah just need some company that ain’t gonna be making eyes at me the whole time.”
You scoffed as you stood aside to let him in. “Must be tough. You’re one of what, like five other men in a town full of women?”
“Eeyup.” He said with an almost uncomfortable chuckle. He took his saddlebag off and laid it at one side of the chair and took a seat. “Can’t get no work done with hungry eyes leering at me. Ah get all self-conscious.”
You let yourself fall lazily into the couch across from him. “Self-conscious? You? You didn’t strike me as the bashful type. I figured you were just quiet.”
“Little of both.”
He really was self-conscious. Noticing him pawing at the cushion as he spoke made you decide to change the subject. “Not like I’m complaining or anything,” you said as you hoped it didn’t come out as rude, “but why’d you come here? I mean, I don’t think we’ve spoken more than once or twice since I moved here.”
“Well, Ah kinda figured you’d be hiding here all lonesome and such, so Ah figured you’d appreciate some male company.”
You honestly did. You weren’t exaggerating by that much before: the town was mostly women and you were in desperate need of a guy friend. The girls were great and all, but if this trend continued you’d be brushing manes and painting hooves before you knew it. Lyra had already tried to drag you to the spa with her. Big McIntosh was exactly what you needed to preserve your masculinity.
“I’m not really hiding, so much as just hanging out. Most of the town’s just acting weird and it gives me the creeps. The girls in town aren’t really attracted to me, thank God.”
“’Thank God’?” Said Big McIntosh with a bemused smirk. “Ah didn’t realize your barn door opened that way, partner.”
You sputtered at the implication. “WHAAAAAT?! I’m not gay! I’m just not into ponies!”
He was clearly amused by your reaction. “So you ain’t never gonna try and find your special somepony?”
“Nope.” You said firmly.
“What about, uh…, Lyra Heartstrings? Ah heard you and her were close.”
You rolled your eyes; you knew exactly what he was getting at. “We’re friends!”
“Ah heard you share a bed and rub her tummy.”
“Oh dammit!” You said as your face dropped into your hand. “Who hasn’t she told that story to?!”
“Everypony knows. Some of them think you and her are an item.”
You sat in shocked silence for a brief moment before exploding out of the couch. “Seriously?! I’m going to wring her fuzzy little neck! It was one time! One time! ONCE!!! And I was drunk! Very VERY DRUNK!!!”
Big McIntosh held a hoof over his mouth barely stifling laughter as you ranted. “Settle down, partner.” He said amid lazy laughter, “Ah’m just teasing you. Ah remember how drunk you were.”
You slumped back into your seat and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I’ll bet you do.” You said with mock spite. “Exactly how many drinks did you put through me, anyway?”
“Ah lost count before you did, probably. But it was for your own good. Got you to come out of your shell and get talking and dancing with some of the folk in town.”
“Good point. Just don’t act like you planned it that way.”
His mouth curled into a lazy, satisfied smile. “Now who says Ah didn’t?”
You were at a loss for words for a moment. He was so hard to read that you couldn’t tell if that was a joke or if he was dead serious. You finally decided to just roll with it. “Well, damn. Now what exactly is a Machiavellian super-villain doing farming apples for a living?
Big McIntosh looked at you with a raised eyebrow for just a moment, and then smirked. “Lower overhead. And it’s honest family work.”
“Touché.” You said with a laugh. You stretched with a sigh and swung your legs onto the couch, resting your head on the armrest. “So… Once a year all the girls in town go absolutely man-crazy.” You said, reflecting on just how alien it seemed to you.
“Eeyup. Usually Ah save some work in the barn to keep hidden, but truth be told it gets mighty boring cooped up in there and all.
Now there is something you thought you’d never hear. “It’s boring to have an entire town of women hot for you?” You said as you marveled at his outlook, “I wish it were that ‘boring’ where I was from.”
“Ahhh.” Said Big McIntosh with a sly smile. “So that’s the reason you moved here, you sly dog.”
“No. NO! Oh no no no it’s not. It’s just, well…” You trailed off to think for a moment.
You had your reasons for packing up and moving to a place where you would be the only human around, but it was hard to put them into words. You gave it a bit of thought and, as best as you could, explained why you wanted to live in a community populated entirely by talking ponies. Big McIntosh seemed a bit intrigued, but true to form didn’t really seem to lend it much thought.
“…What I meant,” you said as you finished your story, “is I wish there was a time of the year when human women were man-hungry.”
Big McIntosh leaned back, making the chair creak in protest under his weight. “It’s great when you’re young an’ all, but it gets real tiring once you grow up.” He said with a heavy sigh. “It’s all hormones, y’know? They ain’t interested in you; they’re just crazy for some action. Some of them won’t even wanna look at you when the nights over.”
“Ouch.” You said with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Hey. I’ve been there, bro.”
Confused, he raised his eyebrow. “Thought you humans don’t go into heat.”
“We don’t. But we get drunk and end up in bed with some, uh, less than desirable people sometimes.”
A small smile flickered across his normally stoic face. “Like you an’ Lyra Heartstrings.” He said in a teasing tone.
“Can it!” You scolded.
His mouth stretched into a great big grin, then shrank back to its normally somber shape. “Others take it like a real personal thing, y’know, like an attack or an insult that you made hay during their season. Ah got punched in the jaw for it once when Ah was younger, and she ain’t spoke to me since. The way she acted, it was like Ah’d lassoed her and tied her up.” He raised and slapped his front hooves on the arms of the chair, letting his frustration out. “And this is after she came by mah farm for it to begin with!” He let out a sigh, “It’s a mess, Ah tell you. A real mess, mah human friend.
You seriously felt for this guy. His story reminded you so much of what had happened between you and Octavia a few days ago and you actually came very close to blurting it out. However, you and Octavia had patched up quite nicely after that, and you weren’t about to stir up that hornet’s nest by spilling the beans. You wished there was something you could say; Big McIntosh sounded downright miserable to be a guy living in a town full of damned-near nymphomaniacs. You wondered briefly if all the males in town felt this way, and all of a sudden it hit you why Big McIntosh had swung by your house of all places despite not even knowing you. Perhaps he was the only male who felt this way, and saw you as a bit of a kindred spirit. You had seriously misjudged this guy based on your first impression of him. You walked over and patted his withers. “Cheer up. It’s only a couple more days; you’ll make it.”
He chuckled in appreciation. “Eeyup.”
You sighed and sat back down. “This whole heat thing. It is over in a couple of days, right?”
Big McIntosh laughed. “Give or take. It’s about five days, usually. You make it sound like you’ve been in prison the whole time.”
“I might has well have been. You’re the first one I’ve spoken to in a couple of days now. All my friends are women, and I don’t dare go near them when they’re hormonal. Hell, Lyra’s clingy and weird enough already.”
Big McIntosh looked at you with a funny expression, like he was thinking about something. “Clingy and weird, huh? She like that with anypony else?”
“…No.” You said, slightly confused by the question.
He smirked as if he had been let in on some kind of juicy secret. “Kinda sounds like she’s sweet on you, partner.”
Your eyes widened and you sat stunned for just a moment. “What?! No, she’s not! We’re just friends! Okay, we’re good friends but it’s not like that!”
His smirk widened into a huge grin. “You’re blushing, partner.”
“You sputtered and threw a hand over your cheeks, trying stupidly to hide your apparent blush. “Seriously, no! No we’re not! She’s not!”
“If you say so.” He said with a roll of his eyes.
“She…” you said with a sigh, “She thinks she’s a cat or something, I don’t know.”
“…Come again?”
“She’s always pestering me to scratch her back, or her ears, or rub her tummy, or brush her mane! It’s not romantic; she just wants to be scratched! And hugged. Don’t get me started on how often she tries to hug me.” You said with frustration showing in your voice.
Still smirking, Big McIntosh nodded. “Well, maybe she’s just itchy.” He held out a hoof and reach around to his back. He wiggled his hoof which just grazed his mane and came about an inch short of touching his crest. “It ain’t easy.”
You blew a raspberry at the thought. “She’s a unicorn! If she can play her harp thing with magic, how hard is it to levitate a brush or a backscratcher?”
“Wouldn’t know, partner.” He said, tapping his forehead where a horn would be if he were a unicorn. “But from what Ah hear, you’ve got magical fingers.”
“‘What you hear?’ What did she tell you?”
He laughed warmly. “Last week Ah asked her if you’d survived after the get-together, and she spent the next half an hour gushing about the belly rub you gave her.” He trailed of in a fit of laughter, barely managing to get the rest out, “She never did answer mah question!”
You buried your face in your hands, groaning as you did. “I’m going to be paying for that until the end of time…”
You felt a solid hoof pat your shoulder gently. “Don’t let it get to you, partner. She’s just teasing you; it’s her way. We’ve all got different tastes, y’know. Heck, Ah remember—“He abruptly stopped and clapped his hooves together. “Different tastes! That reminds me; Ah actually swung by ‘cause Ah’ve got something for you.”
You perked up at the sound of it. Good things always came from Sweet Apple Acres. Big McIntosh picked up the saddlebag he had brought with him and laid it across your lap, then gestured for you to open it. You hoped it was some of those apple fritters from the get-together; they were just about the only good thing to come of that night. You unclasped the bag and your eyes lit up. Inside, wrapped neatly inside this morning’s copy of The Ponyville Express was just about the largest and most appetizing freshly caught trout you had ever laid eyes on. You almost drooled; you had been living as a vegetarian since your arrival, and even the thought of meat or fish was enough to make you salivate.
“Mah little sister tried her hoof at fishing. Didn’t catch her cutie mark, but she caught that. Ah knew you of all pon-, uh, you’d put it to good use.
“Thank you so much for this,” you said as you licked your lips, “believe me I’ll put this to great use. But… don’t you want it? I mean, this is a great catch.”
He tossed his hooves up into a shrug and grinned. “We don’t eat ‘em, partner. Ah was gonna give it to Flutter shy for her ferrets, but Ah figured you must be going’ crazy not being able to get meat here. You… you humans do eat meat, right? Ah really don’t know much about y’all.”
You smirked and nodded. “You bet we do. I’m kind of surprised, though. I figured everyone in town would be afraid of me if they knew humans ate meat. I kind of just kept it to myself.”
“Well…” he said as he contemplated the idea, then chuckled quietly, “Ah bet those three who work in town square would be terrified of you if they saw you eating meat. ‘Course, they fainted during a bunny stampede a while ago, so…”
You clapped your hand over your mouth and made the unmanliest giggle you had ever heard as the thought of a bunny stampede went through your head.
He stopped his story when he heard your response. “You get the idea. Most of the folks in town, they’ll judge a pony for what comes out of their mouth, not what goes in. As long as you don’t start runnin’ around the Everfree with a spear or start considering us ponies to be grub, they ain’t gonna think nothing of it.
You nodded in agreement. You were well aware that people did eat horsemeat, but you weren’t going to open Pandora’s Box by mentioning it. True, horses back home weren’t like the ponies here, but explaining that would be near impossible.
“Ah was gonna bring you some cider, too.” He said with a chuckle, “‘Course, Ah was afraid you’d end up scratching Lyra’s chin this time so—“
“Can it!” You said playfully with a roll of your eyes.
“So like ah was saying,” he said resuming the story from before, “Ah remember this one pony. The only thing she’d—“
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
“Hey, are you home?” asked a familiar voice at the door.
“It’s Raindrops.” You said. “I promised I’d get down and fix her sink today.”
“Ah-HUH.” He said in an accusing tone. “Be safe.”
Your whole face went red from his implication. “No, I’m literally going to fix a sink.” Reminded that the women were still in their season, as Big McIntosh had politely put it, you decided to help a bro out. “You can hang out here if you want. I won’t tell any of the ladies you’re here.”
“That’s mighty neighborly of you, mah friend.” He said as he held his hoof out.
Hoping you interpreted the gesture right, you balled a fist and struck his hoof gently. “Catch you later, bro.”
You left the house and returned Raindrops’ greeting. She seemed to be acting like her usual self, but the funny way she was walking immediately told you otherwise. Raindrops began telling you about the great deal she got on the faucet she bought, but you were too preoccupied to listen to her story. You couldn’t get what Big McIntosh had said to you out of your head.
‘Sounds like she’s sweet on you, partner.’
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Macintosh Bromance! Love it
Just one thing:
Yeah....
Anyway, I look forward to more
3010410
AHA! Error number 1! Thank you.
3010466
No problemo, friendo
great chapter!
keep up the good work
Good stuff, I'd like to see more of Octavia though.
http://mylittlefacewhen.com/f/949/
Excellent chapter but I think it's missing more Eeyup's from Big Mac.
“Ah heard you share a bed and rub her tummy.”
“Seriously?! I’m going to wring her fuzzy little neck! It was one time! One time! ONCE!!! And I was drunk! Very VERY DRUNK!!!”
Is that "A Night With Lyra" reference I spy?
Now that I have read this, I realize that this kind of interaction is absent from almost all of the HiE fics I have read. Just friends hanging out, shooting the (metaphorical) bull. I have to remember this for when I eventually try my hand at one.
Also, the thought of being too bored to read is genuinely frightening.
My only advice: Run...
Excuse me? I what? How dare you?
Besides, this is Ponyville. Princess Twilight Sparkle would feed me my page folding fingers if I did that to a book.