The house of Rainbow Dash’s family was one of the very few cloud houses in Vanhoover. Unlike Rainbow Dash’s house, there were no glittering rainbow falls pouring from it, nor did it have a greek-mythical architecture. Instead, it looked more akin to the Apple Family homestead back at Ponyville except made of clouds instead of wood. It was also a bit bigger.
“Ah like it!” Applejack said when Rainbow Dash pointed it out up in the sky, “Nice and homey.” She gave Dash a sly look and added “Looks like yer gonna be payin’ for dinner.” Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes and flapped her wings to lift herself into the air. She hovered over Applejack and wrapped her forelegs around Applejack’s torso. She flew up towards her family’s home, carrying Applejack up with her.
Just before the door, Dash carefully lowered Applejack to the tuft of cloud that served as a front step, checking that Applejack was firmly planted on the cloud and was not about to sink through it before completely letting go of her. Once she did, there was a loud crash from inside the house that sounded like something very fragile had just broken. Muffled shouting from a half dozen voices could be discerned through the walls. Applejack looked surprised and gave a questioning look to Rainbow Dash, seeing if she was as worried as Applejack was at the sound. Dash just rolled her eyes and sighed before opening the door.
“Dashie! Go put some lights on the tree then go hang the wreaths!” Said a mare as soon as Dash had opened the door. She had the same cyan coat as Dash but looked much older and sported a bright blonde mane styled in tight curls. Applejack guessed that this must have been Rainbow Dash's mom, Rainbow Shine. “Oh, hello there darling, you must be Applejack! Rainbow Dash mentioned you in a couple of her letters. Not that she write’s home all that often so don’t think less of her. All I’ve read are good things though. You two have been dating for some time, yes?”
"Hi mom, good to see you too. You're right, it's been way too long..." Rainbow Dash muttered while walking over to a pile of holiday wreaths. Applejack would have offered to help but Dash's mom was drawing her into a conversation.
"Oh where are my manners," She said, "I'm Rainbow Shine, little Dashie's much mother."
Applejack put on a friendly smile and held out her hoof. "Pleasure to meetcha ma'am."
"Oh just call me Shine, everypony does. " Rainbow Shine said, ignoring the outstretched hoof and pulling Applejack into a hug. "Let me give you the tour and introduce you to the rest of the family."
"That'd be great, but ah should probably help Dash with-OOF!" A blur of grey and yellow had come from out of nowhere and collided with Applejack's side. Had she not been used to getting tackled she might have had the wind knocked out of her.
Looking down, Applejack thought for a second that she had been hit by a miniature Derpy Hooves. After another second she could see that this was a colt though and his eyes were a shade of red rather than Derpy's amber.
"Twip! I said no running in the house!" Shine scolded the colt fiercely. He seemed not to pay her any mind though as he just stared up at Applejack.
"Howdy little partner." Applejack said, holding her hoof out to him. "Ahm-OUCH!" she cried out in pain. Twip had opened his mouth and bit her leg.
"Twip!" Shine yelled, "No biting guests!"
"Where's the rest of you?" the child asked Applejack.
Still wincing in pain from the cruel bite and cradling her leg, Applejack asked "What the hay do ya mean?"
“Where are your wings?”
“Mah wha-oh,” Applejack said, smiling in amusement. “Ahm not a pegasus lil’ feller. Ahm an earth pony.”
“Then how are you up here on the cloud?” Twip asked.
“A friend of mine cast a spell on me.” Applejack said, "It lets me walk on clouds like all y'all."
"That's wierd." Twip said, "Can I have your hat?"
"Heheh, hay no." Applejack said, "Ain't nopony allowed to have mah hat. 'Cept Rainbow Dash."
"Aunt Daaaaash!" Twip shouted, running down the hall and around a wall of cloud, looking for Rainbow Dash.
"Sorry about Twip," Rainbow Shine said, "He's a little rascal at times."
"Heh, ain't nothin," Applejack said, "But before the tour ah was gonna go help Dash with the decor-"
"Nonsense!" Shine said with a big smile, "You're our guest and you won't lift a hoof while you're here." She grabbed Applejack's shoulder pulled her into the room that Twip had come from. In the room there was a large TV and some furniture crafted from clouds. One stallion was sitting in here, his mane a recognizable rainbow of color, but a few shades darker and containing some gray hairs.
"Honey," Shine said, walking up to his seat. He glanced in her direction, then at Applejack, his expression seeming tired and bored. "This is Applejack, Dashie's girlfriend."
"Hm." the stallion grunted, giving Applejack a slight nod.
"Applejack, this is my husband Sky Prism, Dashie's father."
"Pleasure to meetcha sir." Applejack said with a smile, a nod of her head, and a slight lifting of her hat.
"Mmhm." Sky Prism said, turning his attention back to the television and sipping at a dark amber drink. A brightly colored parrot sitting on Sky Prism's shoulder that Applejack had not noticed due to the similar color to the stallion's mane bent down and dipped its beak into the drink as well.
"That's Cantertot." Shine said when Applejack gave the parrot a double take. "He doesn't do much anymore. Mostly just spends time drinking with Sky."
"Huh..." Applejack said, unsure of what to say. Fortunately, Shine was leading her through the room and to another, so there seemed to be no need to make further comment. They walked through what Applejack figured was the dining room and into the kitchen. The farm pony had never seen the inside of a pegasai’s house before; not even Dash’s, which she was now regretting. The architecture of all the rooms was really interesting, but the sink was downright clever; a small basin formed of clouds with a small dark grey cloud floating over it. Applejack knew enough about how pegasai messed with the weather to guess that they squeezed the small grey one to spray water into the other clouds and wash whatever was in there.
“This is Moon Drop, my mother.” Rainbow Shine said, gesturing to the old mare laying lazily on a cloud hovering near the ceiling of the room. She looked a bit like Applejack’s own Granny Smith, except her coat was was a pale blue rather than any shade of green. She appeared to be napping so Applejack didn’t say anything that might wake her up. “My father is outside with the grandcolts playing.”
“Latte Drop, right?” Applejack asked, “Dash told me a bit about the family while we were on the train.”
Back out in the hall Applejack saw Rainbow Dash and a pony that looked almost like Rarity floating through the air, hanging up bits of holly along the walls and talking. After a double-take, Applejack noticed that the dark purple mane was styled wrong and that this pegasai’s coat wasn’t near so pure white as Rarity’s; it was more of a cream color. They spotted Applejack stepping into the hall and the cream colored mare beamed at her, flying forward and giving Applejack a big, surprising hug.
“Applejack, darling, it is wonderful to meet you!” she said enthusiastically.
Rainbow Dash chuckled a bit at the bewildered expression on Applejack’s face. She explained “This is my sister Pearl Pop.”
“Oh, well howdy there Pearl Pop.” Applejack said as she carefully extricated herself from the hug, “It’s good to meet more of Dash’s family.”
“Ah yes, little Dashie.” Pearl turned around and caught her younger sister’s face in her hooves, squeezing her cheeks together. Now it was Applejack’s turn to chuckle. “Such a pwecious widdle sistehw she is!”
“Knock that off!” Rainbow Dash said, shoving her older sister away before rubbing her aching cheeks, “I hate it when you do that.”
“Hehehehe,” Applejack chortled, “Anything ah can do to help y'all with the decoratin?" she asked.
"Nah," Rainbow Dash said, "We're almost done. Just need to put up some more lights and a few more things. No offense, but without wings you really won't be able to help much."
"Ain't y'all got a ladder ah-" Applejack began to ask, but realized halfway through her comment that for a pegasus, owning a ladder would be rather pointless. "Nevermind." she said, "Ah'll just look around some and get to know yer family."
"If you see Violet, tell her that she's needed in the guest room, please." Pearl Pop requested, "Twip and Tweet are making a mess of things up there."
"You can't miss her." Dash added, "She looks like someone dipped a heavy Cheerilee in a vat of die that Rarity would use."
"Haha, now don't let Rarity hear you sayin' that." Applejack said. Rainbow Dash and her sister flew off, continuing to hang bits of holly in in the cloud walls as they moved. Applejack looked to the nearest room that wasn't the kitchen and headed in there to see if anypony was about.
While crossing the hall she heard the doorbell ring and looked down the main hall at the entrance. Nopony seemed to be going to get the door so she headed over to it. The moment the door was open, a stallion reeking of strong alcohol pulled her into a big bear hug.
"Hey Dashie!" He hollered, "Long time no see! Did you finally dye your mane?
"Uh..." Applejack tried to free herself of the stallion's grip but he was strong.
"Um, I thought you told me your sister was blue?" Another voice sounded from behind the stinking stallion. He slackened his grip on Applejack and took another look at her.
"You're not Rainbow Dash!" He said as though it was her fault.
"Er, no, ah aint." Applejack said, "Ahm Applejack."
"Applejack..." the stallion said, tapping his chin and looking thoughtful, "Now why does that sound familiar..."
"Because she's one of the Elements of Harmony!" the other voice said. Applejack got a look at the speaker this time and had to do another double-take. At first glance, the mare looked like a cow, but then the wings became visible and the lack of black spots on her otherwise cloud white coat.
“Oh hay you’re right!” the stallion said, “Just like my sister!”
“So you weren’t lying then!” the heavy mare said, “Rainbow Dash is really your sister?”
“Told ya!” the stallion said, “And this here is her friend Applesmash.”
“Applejack.” Both Applejack and the heavy-set mare corrected him.
“Well I am honored to meet one of the famous Elements of Harmony.” the large one said. She reached out and took Applejack’s hoof and shook it vigorously. “Oh, I’m Gristle Current.”
“Uh, pleased to meetcha.” Applejack said when she got her hoof back.
“And this sizzling stallion is Straight Song.” She said, putting her foreleg around the stallion’s shoulders.
“Rainbow Dash’s big bro!” Song finished with a grin. “Yep! She learned all of her moves from me.” He rubbed his hoof against his chest and examined it, as though it may have gotten a shine from such an inefficient method of cleaning.
“Really?” Dash’s voice sounded behind Applejack. She turned and saw Rainbow Dash with her look of haughty confidence approaching with a small pile of bells balanced atop one of her outstretched wings.
“You know it!” Straight Song said, flying up and over Applejack to tackle Rainbow Dash, sending the bells up into the air. Applejack was quick to catch them on her back while the blue siblings wrestled around on the floor. For a moment, Straight Song had Rainbow Dash in a full nelson and was giving her a noogie with his hoof, but then there was another blur of motion and Rainbow Dash was shoving her brother’s face down into the cloud, holding him there with her hind legs.
“Say uncle!” she called. There was a muffled response. “I can’t hear you!”
“Uncle!” he shouted. Rainbow Dash laughed uproariously as she got off of him and let him stand back up.
“Oh my gosh you’re Rainbow Dash!” Gristle said, moving past Applejack with speed surprising for her size and knocking her into one of the cloudhouse walls.
“Uh yeah,” Rainbow said, looking momentarily surprised but then she clearly tried to pass it off as some casual remark, “You heard of me have you?”
“Have I?” Gristle asked, gushing, “You’re one of my idols! The way you and your friends stopped Nightmare Moon! Oh and Discord! I read about that in the news! And the Crystal Empire and Sombra! Are you really friends with one of the Princesses?”
“Heh, yeah.” Rainbow Dash said, though her expression was less than haughty now and she looked almost as uncomfortable as Applejack was feeling. “AJ and I are best friends with Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh-Em-See!” she screamed, her voice suddenly a much higher pitch than before. “You have to tell me all about her! And about when you fought Nightmare Moon! And Discord! And-”
“Clouds and stars, boy,” A deep voice rumbled. Applejack looked towards the speaker and saw a stallion that looked a little like Rainbow Dash’s father but his mane was not striped with a whole spectrum of colors; it was just black. “Anotherone?”
“Hey Uncle Flint!” Straight Song said, flying over everyponyelse’s heads with his hoof up. The older stallion lifted his hoof and clopped it with his nephew.
“Ever think about bringing the same mare more than once to meet the family?” Uncle Flint asked. Applejack thought that was rather rude and looked over to Gristle Current to see if she was angry about it, but she seemed not to have heard and was instead pestering Rainbow Dash for more information about her exploits as the Element of Loyalty. “And do they always have to be so fa-”
“Hey Uncle Flint!” Rainbow Dash yelled over the questioning mare, “Are Sparky and Cloud Foot here?”
“Yeah,” Flint answered, “Sparky is outside with Twip and Tweet. Cloud Foot is with your dad watching the Hoofball game.”
“Hoofball?” Applejack asked, “Who’s playin’?” Applejack had always loved watching and playing Hoofball. She was usually too busy on the farm to catch every game of a season, but when she could catch a game she was quite happy.
“The Rainbow Raiders versus the Ponyville Pioneers.” Flint answered.
"The Ponyville Pioneers? Well hay, count me in!" Applejack said enthusiastically, walking around the hefty girlfriend of Rainbow Dash's brother and entering the livingroom with Uncle Flint. The room was much more crowded than it had been an hour ago when Applejack had met Sky Prism and Cantertot. Now there were also Uncle Flint and a young colt who had to be Cloud Foot. A dark purple mare that Applejack figured must have been Rainbow Dash's sister Violet, and a mare and stallion she hadn't yet met.
“YEAH!” they all cheered at once. Applejack looked to the television and saw that the Rainbow Raiders had just gotten the ball near the end of the field where they would be able to score. Applejack stepped a bit closer to the television as the ball was kicked into the air. One of the pegasai from the Rainbow Raiders flew up to kick it, but a smaller and quicker flier from the Ponyville Pioneers swooped in and intercepted the attempt to score, sending the ball soaring to the other end of the field.
“Yeehaw!” Applejack cheered, lifting her hat and waving it. At the same time, the pegasai all made groans and ‘boos’ at the play. All eyes focused on her cheering for a moment before going back to watch the game. Apparently she was the only pony from Ponyville here other than Dash, and Dash was still out decorating.
Not that that stopped Applejack. She cheered a few minutes later when the Pioneers scored regardless of the jeers from the rest of Dash’s family. Dash herself peaked into the room at one point to make sure no one was getting rough with Applejack over the game and she was glad to see that everyone seemed to be having a good time. Her brother Vic was even handing a hoofful of bits to Applejack with an amused scowl on his face and Applejack was laughing, as were some of the others.
Well its a good thing they're all getting along Rainbow Dash thought as she walked away. She went outside and stretched her wings, flying around the house to clear her head. Spending time with her family was always an exercise in patience for her and rarely let her escape without a migraine.
She saw her grandfater, Latte Drop, flying around behind the house with her nephews Tweet and Snowy Helm and her cousin Sparky. She didn't want to join in on their race because Sparky had a bad habit of calling out embaressing things to try and distract her. Dash could ignore such quips, but then her nephews would start asking her questions about what he'd said and then she would be in an uncomfortable situation.
Still, being out here alone was better than hanging around in the house with all of her ssiters. They were complete and total whackjobs. Between Pearl Pop having three dead husbands and, alcohol, Flutter Lance's and Sapphire Pauldron's peculiar 'closeness', Cloudy Day's constant depression and Rhyming Shine's contstant arguing with their mother, Dash felt not only normal and successful, but sometimes felt that having no sisters might have been better. Of course, that thought usually vanished quite quickly; she wouldn't want her family to change a bit.
Well, maybe a few things she thought while settling down on a cloud and looking up higher into the sky. With a deep breath she yawned. Helping set up the Hearth's warming decorations was quite tiring and she was ready for a nap. She should have brought Applejack up here with her. A little alone time would have done Dash some good.
Closing her eyes, she felt that common thankfulness that, as bad as her sister’s were, they weren’t near as big losers as their husbands. Their kids were also on that slippery slope towards being complete twerps as well. I’m soooo glad I’m with Applejack. she thought with a slight elation, Our kids- her eyes snapped open at the thought. Kids...that was something she’d never thought of before. Did Applejack? Hay...I should probably ask her about that. she thought.
It had been more than a year since they started going out. Marriage was on the table now, though the idea still filled Dash with that odd queasy feeling. She did not hate the idea of marrying Applejack, but she was not entirely sure what to think about it other than suppress her gag reflex and try to avoid eating for a bit.
"Rainbow Daaaaaaaaaasssshhhhhhhhhh!" Rainbow Shine's voice sounded from below. Dash groaned; her mom always knew when she needed some alone time to clear her head. Undoubtedly she had something else for Dash to do. Something stupid and boring, of course.
"Coming!" Dash called back, rolling off the cloud and enjoying free fall for a moment before flapping her wings and steering herself into the open window where her mother's voice had come from. "Sup?" She asked.
Rainbow Shine shoved a handfull of green prickly leaves and berries into Rainbow Dash's hooves. "Hang up the mistletoe," she said, "Then go up into the attic and find the Hearth's Warming carol songbooks so we can-"
"Aw c'mon mom," Dash groaned, rolling her eyes, "Everpony knows the Hearth's Warming carols. What are the-"
"Tradition Dashie!" Rainbow Shine answered sharply, "Now don't back-talk your mother. Go on and hang up the mistletoe." Dash just groaned and floated away, rolling her eyes once her back was turned to her mom. She hated coming home. She would probably do it more often if there was less demanding and complaining going on.
Floating from one archway to another, Rainbow Dash shoved bits of mistletoe into the clouds so they hung there. The hallway had the most entrances from one room to another so she spent a few minutes there, stopping for a moment to take a gander at the hoofball game that her family and Applejack seemed enthralled in. While she looked around, though, Applejack was able to sneak up on her.
"Hey there Dashie!" She said, a big smile on her face, "Yer family is the bee's knees, ah can't see why...oh hey! Mistletoe!" She said said after seeing the bundle in Dash's forelegs and the small bunch hanging over their heads.
"AJ wai-" Dash tried to say, but Applejack was tooq quick and pressed her lips to Dash's. Rainbow Dash could hardly pull away from Applejack's kiss and was, for a moment, blissfully unaware of the headache that was her family. Applejack did not deepen the kiss though, and the cheers of Dash's brothers and brother-in-laws soon broke the moment. It's like they'd never seen two mares kissing before.
Shot glasses appeared and alcohol was passed around. Rainbow Dash took hers and Applejack took one also. "Uh, Dash, what's this for?" she asked as everypony took the shot.
"Rule is," Dash said after taking her shot, "Ponies kiss under mistletoe, everpony takes a shot."
"Why are we takin' shots?"Applejack asked.
"Because we kissed under the mistletoe." Dash said, rolling her eyes. Applejack shrugged and took her own shot. Rainbow Dash took her now empty shot glass and headed back to the kitchen with Violet, who was also carrying several shot glasses that needed to be cleaned.
Applejack followed Dash away from the Hoofball game where the Ponyville Pioneers were too far ahead for her to be too concerend with watching anymroe. She heard low murmerings and saw Dash's mother, grandmother, and sister all whispering when she entered. Dash was standing off to the side, leaning against the refrigerator. She saw Applejack and smiled. Applejack returned the smile and walked over to her.
"Howya doin' Dash?" Applejack asked.
"Eh, I'm doing good." She said, glancing out the window quick at the night sky. "Getting late. I'm crashing on the couch tonight since the house is pretty full. You want one of the spare rooms?"
"Nah, ah'll stay with you." Applejack said with a smile, "More comfy that way." They both chuckled a bit. The whispers had paused for a moment but started back up once Applejack and Rainbow Dash glanced in the direction of Dash's family in the one corner.
"Probably talking about us." Dash whispered to Applejack. She tilted her head towards the hall and they both walked out of it, away from the gossiping mares. Away from them, Applejack and Rainbow Dash walked to the livingroom where the bulk of Dash's family was now seated; the colts and senior ponies had come in from outside and were watching the final minutes of the game.
Dash led the way into the sitting room where there were four sofas. There was a closet in the room from which she pulled a pair of pillows and a couple of blankets. Applejack took the offered blankets and put them on one of the sofas as Dash headed to another sofa. There was a soft rumble of discontent as the game ended in the other room and ponies started to walk and fly by the room. Applejack assumed they were all heading off to their various bedrooms to sleep for the night.
Applejack ignored the couch she had put the blanket on and pulled the blanket off of Rainbow Dash. Before the pegasus could complain, Applejack climbed onto the sofa with her. It was a tight fit, but in a minute the two mares were wrapped in each other’s hooves and the blanket was covering them up.
“G’night Dash.” Applejack said, rather tired from the day.
“Night AJ.” Rainbow Dash said back. “Happy Hearth’s Warming Day.” They closed their eyes and in short order fell asleep.
For the third night in a row i have checked my updates to find more appledash! Im going to die from a lack of sleep at this rate.
How ever it claims there is only 2 chapters and 3k works, strange.
And thank you for another great chapter! For someone with the username flutterdash you sure write great appledash!
Awezum.
2823997
Thanks! FlutterDash is my favorite pairing overall, but i'm quite fond of MANY pairings =)
You promised me homophobia :0
2824210
No I didn't =p
2824234
Lol it's okay. You're forgiven
But who won the hoofball game
2825016
The Ponyville Pioneers =D
2835726
Go Pioneers!
I quite enjoyed this, but the chapter was very busy I have to admit. I was able to keep up with all the characters that were introduced but I found it tiring to read because there was so much happening every second. It really felt like a lively house. Also... I found this weird, but mistletoe in a family house? What if two sisters or a brother or a sister accidentally met under it? Just seems pretty risky if you ask me. But I liked it and I like how I got to see Dash's family for change and I can see why Dash wouldn't come home too often. But I'm still looking forward to a big fight and tears because that happens every year my family get together So good job, looking forward to more
2842820
as far as mistletoe goes you can just kiss your relatives on the cheek :p
as far as the fight and tears... spoiler alert this is a comedy tag
2843086 Yeah, but it could be a comedic fight My family fights over the most stupid of things, you could have them fight over the hoofball game or just arguing or something. That's what happens with all big families, especially when you have over fifty relatives in a small space (believe me I know) but I'll still read even if they don't fight, I was just speculating
This is more interesting than I first thought! It could use some editing work - spelling, grammar issues, some awkward phrasing, but overall this is pretty interesting. Looking forward to see where you're going with this.
Added to Twilight's Library.
40th like yo.
Those must be some pretty bloody carols hehe... Great story so far looking forward to more.
2883101
Thank you for catching that =) Fixed~
Can't wait to read chapter four! :)
When will chapter 4 be up? can't wait!!
Come on! More chapters!
2985792
2986272
I'm working as fast as I can
Hi there. Milky here, from WRITE with your review.
So, to begin with, I'm going to say that this story seems to have pretty good potential. Your characterization is fairly sound, and your writing and detail, especially when it comes to how large family functions work, is great. Coming from a pretty big family myself, I can say you captured the energy really well.
There are only two things I really had a problem with. First was AJ being very caught up in her own family celebration suddenly blowing it off like it was nothing. She had been so tense and worried about it before, and then it seemed like it was nothing to hand over. The switch was too sudden and sorta came from no where. I would work on showing the transition from AJ being all about her family to wanting to go to Dash's in just a second.
Other than that, you may want a proof reader becasue there are a couple of things that seem to be awkwardly phrased. Really though, this seem to be a pretty good story.
♥Milky Way, WRITE's Timey Wimey Authority
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
Hi there! Unfortunately for most involved, I've decapitated Milky Way. However, in true Highlander fashion, I've absorbed both her powers and her reviews, so taking a look at this fic falls to me. Shall we get started?
Alright, there are going to be three separate parts to this review. First, I’m going to go over the actual story part. I’ll talk about characters, plot, all that sort of thing. I’ll go over both what you do well and what you do not so well, as well as give you some suggestions on how to improve. The next section’s gonna be the grammar section, which I’m pretty sure is self evident. I’ll go over any common grammar mistakes I see you making, as well as any that I find you making persistently. The last section, however, is going to be a basic summary of the rest of the review. A TL;DR version, essentially, designed to be a quick reference guide for you to quickly check while writing without having to sort through the entire thing. That’s about the size of it, so let’s take a look at The Season’s Upon Us!
First and foremost, what I notice about your writing is the main characters, specifically Applejack and Rainbow Dash. To sum them up in two main points:
A) Perfectly in character. Rainbow and Applejack are spot on, and you manage to carry over their quirks and mannerisms to a T.
B) Chemistry. They bounce off each other perfectly. You can get an honest handle on how they feel about each other, the sort of rivalry they share, how their relationship is progressing. They act and treat each other like ponies who’ve managed to fall in love with their best friends
You write their relationship better than many I’ve seen, and you deserve an honest pat on the back for that. We don’t get a THESE TWO LOVE EACH OTHER BECAUSE I SAY SO picklesmashing i.imgur.com/tlS93Us.gif romance, we get an honest relationship between two ponies who really seem to care about each other, and that’s worth a great deal in a story such as this.
While talking about the characters, the next important thing to take a look at is Rainbow Dash’s family. Here, unfortunately, you’ve come a little bit short of your performance with AJ and Dash. On one hand, you’ve created a rather entertaining cast of unique and funny characters. On the other, though, I feel you’ve spread yourself a little bit thin with it, and as such are having trouble giving them more than one dimension to their personalities. However, it’s still early on, and we’ve only just been introduced, so you’ve still got plenty of time to develop them. I look forward to seeing if Twip turns into more than just a bitey little shit, myself :P
I believe that’s all I’ve got to say on the subject of the characters, really. With that out of the way, let’s take a look at the plot!
Honestly, there’s not much to say about that. It’s a really neat little idea, albeit one that’s been done a ton of times before. You’re putting your own spin on it, though, and making it your own, in a way which I’m quite fond of so far. I really don’t have too much to say on it, with the exception of some suggestions on how to make certain parts a bit more plausible. For instance, Applejack’s decision to join Rainbow Dash for the holidays seems really sudden, and honestly not very much in character.
There’s really a good bit of whiplash between ‘No, this is so important I can’t even spare an hour to go ice skating with my significant other’ to ‘Pfft, forget the party, I’m going to Canada!’. On one hand, it shows an admirable amount of dedication to getting to know the mare she’s fallen in love with, but on the other, it’s incredibly unlike her to just go ‘Welp, screw the family, I’m off!’.
My suggestion here would be for her to come up with the idea that evening, and talk it over with somepony who’d encourage her to go, like Big Mac or Granny Smith. That way, she KNOWS she’s not abandoning her family, and she’d feel a lot better about going, but again, just a suggestion.
The last thing I’d like to discuss when it comes to story is another slightly out of character moment that I’ve found. In all reality, she’s being awfully douchey to Big Mac, apparently nagging him to the point of frustration and insulting him behind his back. Might want to look into that a tad. Everything we know about him points to him being a good, hard worker, yet she’s insulting him to other ponies? That might be something you want to change around some.
Okay! That’s it for the plot! From here on, we’re going to be talking about the more technical aspects, stuff like grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, all that fun stuff! You ready?
Unfortunately, here’s where I’m gonna be a little less nice, as there’s a lot to work on here. While you’ve got a lot of promise in the storytelling department, you really do need some help in translating it onto paper.
To begin, the main issue that I’ve found with your writing so far is your sentence structure. At points it’s alright, at others it’s poorly worded, stilted and really rather awkward. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve found for dealing with something like that is to read a sentence out loud, and find how natural it feels to say. If it seems like something you’d tell people, if it feels natural coming out of your mouth, then it’s a good bet it’s structured decently. For instance,
The sentence is big, wordy, and says far too little with far too many words. I’d rewrite it as such:
Doesn’t that just FEEL a lot better to read? I’d give this page here a read. It can help you figure out a better way to structure your sentences.
One other issue I’ve found is that you really need to take the whole ‘Show, don’t tell’ concept to heart. You’re telling us what Rainbow Dash is feeling, but you aren’t showing us she feels that way. Instead of
which is something you’d be telling us directly, try something like
Do you see how that can change the entire feel of a sentence? Don’t tell us she’s embarrassed, show us what she’s doing and let us draw our own conclusions.
Next, I’ve found that you tend to use run on sentences, extending a sentence past what it should hold on its own. For a good bit of information on these and how to avoid them, try giving this article a read.
Moving on, the next bit I’d like to take a look at is chapter 3 as a whole. First and foremost, I think you capture the feeling of a large family gathering really well. I’ve got 14 aunts and uncles, and an absolute load of cousins, and I think you do quite well with that. It does a really good job at conveying the feeling of being whisked around a lot while everyone around you is doing this, that and a hatrack, while you’re feeling almost lost in an unfamiliar place where you really don’t fit in. It captures the feeling beautifully. However, the main issue I have is that you’re doing it by changing scenes, rooms and characters at such a rapid rate that you’re actually losing the reader. It just becomes really hard to follow at points, and I found myself having to go back and reread things to figure out what I’d missed.
One last issue that I’d like you to take a look at is Applejack’s accent. I’m sorry, but it gets absolutely physically PAINFUL to read. I’m sorry, but you really do need to rewrite just about all of her dialogue. You’re not writing an accent, you’re writing a chant to the Elder Gods. This is some “Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" shit right here. Give a bit of this story a read for an example of how to do her accent a bit better. Try this guide, written by Burraku Pansa, for some help. Although the rules are anything but absolute, this is still really useful.
SO! Time for the TL;DR version!
Characters:
- AJ and Dash are beautifully done, though there are some points that AJ’s out of character.
- The romance and relationship is done beautifully.
- The relatives are a bit one dimensional, could use some fleshing out, but I’m sure you will.
Plot:
- A bit of a cliche, but you make it your own and original.
- AJ gives whiplash so hard what with switching from being absolutely obsessed with the family party to going with Dash so fast that the reader could probably sue you.
-AJ’s a bit out of character, being a dick to Big Mac.
Technical Aspects:
- Really awkward sentence structure. Needs some serious work. Article that can help.
- A good few run-on sentences. Read this for help.
- Show, don’t tell. Don’t just tell us how they feel, show it through their actions and reactions.
- While Dash’s family reunion is pretty good, it turns into a clusterfuck, and is difficult both to read and to follow.
- I think that ‘Sweet Apple Massacre was written about what you’ve done to AJ’s accent here. Read this for an example of how to fix it, or this.
And that’s about it, I think! One last word, though. Get yourself a prereader and/or an editor, because honestly? If you manage to clean this up and get rid of the issues I’m talking about here? I can honestly see this getting featured. It’s a great story so far, and all I think it really needs is some good spit and polish. Not only are you putting a bit of an original spin on the whole ‘meeting the parents for the first time’ scenario, I honestly have to say that I feel you’ve done one of the best jobs of creating what feels like a genuine relationship that I’ve ever seen on this site. You have an absolutely insane amount of potential. Don’t let that go to waste!
Take care and good luck,
~La Barata, W.R.I.T.E.’s Head (and review) Taking Highlander.
P.S. ‘Fangled’ isn’t actually a word. ‘Newfangled’ is, though.
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