Follow the story of Shining Armor from wall Maria as he strives to protect his family, Cadance and Twilight, in the chaotic ponified world of Shingeki no Kyojin.
Ponykind once ruled the world. We grew in number, peerless in every way and bound only by our ethics. But not even with our wits, magic, and strength gathered from the many millennia passed could we stop our greatest trial yet, the Horses.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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More please! This one chapter's gone too quickly.
So now we have our second Attack on Titan crossover on the site. What do I think?
Honestly, it needs much work. The beginning is just a very rushed history of the appearance of the titans and has barely any description to it whatsoever. While I get that writing in 1st person can be difficult because the main character usually won't describe things in as great of detail as a narrator would in 3rd person. But that's just the problem. You put characters in places that are hardly given any sort of explanation. Is this Ponyville? What? You don't describe the looks of the building or anything outside.
Shining Armor speaks so poetically, but in canon, he's talks very casually. Twilight never refers to Shining as "BBBFF," only as his title. Descriptions of actions and events are also rushed. You don't describe what the Colossal Horse looks like, and the whole "allowing Horses to endlessly seep through it like water down a drain" thing sounds impossible. If horses could move and take a town over that fast, I don't even think the Military, even if it were comprised of hundreds of Mikasas, would stand a ghost of a chance.
In just one 3,000 word chapter, there is the titans' backstory, we're introduced to Shining Armor, Twilight, and Cadance, the latter proposes to the former, the titans attack, and Twilight is evacuated. You simply cannot cover this much ground in 3,000 words. Some of the things that made Attack on Titan (both the manga and the anime) were the emotions felt by the characters in given situations, and there's none of that here. No anguish by the townsponies as their homes are being destroyed and all of their friends and family die, and even our focal characters have about as much emotion as Ben Stein on Prozac.
With the way you rush through the story and the descriptions, there's no way anyone can connect with anything that happens. When I write my Attack on Titan story, my chapters are 4,000 - 8,000 words in length, and even then, I may need two chapters from time to time to cover everything that happens in an episode's events. As much of a fan I am of both Attack on Titan and MLP, I have to throw this a dislike. Good luck though.
2796874 Thank you very much for your extremely thought out review. All of your points are currently valid and I understand them. However, because the second chapter has not yet been uploaded, some of your points seem to assume certain things. I will try my best to improve the story, probably re-writing a significant portion of the events and detail. Thanks again.
2799253 I understand what you mean by Shakespearean, but I'd like to justify their choice of words with their age. In this fic, they're aged 18, so they're new in the world and inexperienced with romance. They can only enact what they know. That is, what they have read, which is often over dramatised. I'd also like to think that justifies some of the other minor character differences, in addition to the facts that we only see the characters in the show from Twilight's perspective and this fic takes place in an alternate universe. With all that considered, I think I've stayed true with the character's personalities.
But nonetheless, your feedback is massively appreciated and has been taken note of for the writing.
Preety great so far. Time Turners appearance made me inwardly smile. I definetly going to follow this
That cover images screams Sp00n soooooooo much
Damn... this is AWESOME. I will keep reading!
Please update ASAP. I fucking hate waiting.