Hidden away in the Crystal Castle throne room was a small book embedded in the top crystal of the throne. This was the diary of Sombra; of his days before he was a king. The diary was soon confiscated by Princess Celestia and added to the royal library for public viewing.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Ah, another Sombra origin fic! I thought I had the only King Sombra origin fic on the site, but I guess other people have written them too!
Here's mine... King Sombra's Rise and Fall
You have pretty good grammar and spelling. I like how Starswirl is his mentor, that explains how he gets good enough with magic to take over an entire empire. (In my story, Sombra went to Starswirl's School For Gifted Unicorns)
I just have a few pointers.
1. Try and add more paragraph breaks. Right now, you have really long paragraphs. Day 1 and day 6-7 are particularly bad offenders; they're pretty much just walls of text.
2. Why is Day 4 missing?
3. I wouldn't mind reading a bit more of Sombra's origin. Where is the Galloping Gorge Forest? Why did Sombra leave? (If you already plan on addressing this, then disregard this.)
I'll favorite this, and look forward to reading more!
Pretty good so far!
The first fanfic I'm writing will have the king in it somewhere!
Great job man, although you still need to work on those paragraphs that i completely forgot to mention, sorry.
Hey thanks for the feedback guys!
As for the walls of text I am going to fix this up. I went through editing this so much that I totally forgot to fix up the paragraphs.
Addressing Carts: certain days will be missing if nothing happened in them (AKA Traveling long distances with no occurrences). I plan on posting more soon.
The galloping gorge is listed on the Equestria map and as for back story you'll have to wait and see~
nice job
Lots of potential in this one! Try to use shorter paragraphs, please. It makes reading a lot easier.
Very good job on writing Sombra, and I love Starswirl in this one.
Can't wait to read more!
I'm surprised no one's mentioned that this is story 111111.
2886698 I will, this is the story 111111, and i found it by typing 111111 after www.fimfiction.net/story/