New Girls

For most of her life, Nala has been bullied by Dez and Sal, mostly for liking My Little Pony, despite the fact it got her a boyfriend. But when her new neighbors are basically human versions of her three favorite pegisi, Nala is over joyed.

Till she gets stuck in a category four hurricane with her neighbors, her parents, Dez and Sal.

(Yeah... recommend that you read Changes For Scootaloo to get the drift of this universe. That is all)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Annalisa Flat

Annalisa Flat #1 · Aug 16th, 2013 · · ·

This story isn't bad at all it has the potential to go far if you work really hard on it
I only had one issue
You didn't exactly have an introduction. Instead of introducing the main character, talking about where she lived, and emphasizing her enjoyment of the show, you kinda went straight to the plot. Because of this, I was semi-confused about some of the elements in this first chapter of the story, mainly because I really didn't know who Nala was as a person.
besides that,

TheDerpyOutcast

TheDerpyOutcast #2 · Aug 17th, 2013 · · ·

3056795. well... then it's time to rewrite.

Drakkith

Drakkith #3 · Aug 19th, 2013 · · ·

3058165

I think your opening was actually pretty decent.
Why?
Because you DIDN'T go into detail on who she was, where she lived, etc.
One of the things people don't realize when they start writing is that the reader will usually wait a very long time to get caught up on who the character is and where they're from and all. One of the reasons this is true is because when a story starts off with action, which yours does, we ARE seeing where the character is, what she likes, etc. We are seeing through the eyes of the character. (If done correctly of course)
So you don't need to go into any info dumps on who she is, what she likes, etc. In fact, DON'T do that. Stick little bits in here and there throughout your story. SHOW that your character likes something if you can. Don't just say "Nala liked ponies a lot and watched the show every day." (Which you didn't do, so kudos there!)

So starting off with action, like you did, and showing that your character liked ponies instead of telling, which you did, is a good thing. Don't ever let anyone tell you to stick more about the characters in the beginning. They don't know what they're talking about. Just ground the reader in the scene, and get on with the plot. Half the point of the story is to show who the characters are.

TheDerpyOutcast

TheDerpyOutcast #4 · Aug 19th, 2013 · · ·

3072301. Good point.

Annalisa Flat

Annalisa Flat #5 · Aug 20th, 2013 · · ·

3072301

I agree and disagree at the same same

I completely agree that he didn't need to go in detail and bore everypony to death, since he already mentioned a majority of it in the description. It just kinda felt rushed. like, five sentences in, he met the new neighbors, and that bothered me a little bit .

I think the idea is fantastic It's just that a story isn't a story without a proper introduction

>>TheDerpyOutcast I think this story has a fantastic plot and side plot (that being the hurricane thingy) I would just rewrite a teensy bit. It isn't a train wreck It just needs a teeny bit of work . If you want, I could show you how to fix this teeny mistake I have an A+ in writing after all