Hmm, tracking for now. Want to see where you are going with this story.

Ummm.

What's with the weird spacing?

>>220557220557

...you still have your top-right drop-down on light, don't you?

that chapter was difficult to read at first, then it hit me what trick you were pulling there, real nice. I approve

Here are some words of advice I can give you:

1. Google Gary Stu/ Mary Sue

2. A lot of people don't like self-inserts (again, google it) even though it's just a preference thing (I don't mind to be honest), I highly urge you to avoid self inserts unless you know what you're doing.

3. Edit, Edit and lastly, Edit. don't publish your chapters unless you're absolutely certain they're done.

4. You are clearly writing in a 1st person narrative. Here are some pointers for you (It's going to be long):

1) If you are choosing to write a character in first-person, you have chosen to remove yourself from the equation.

Many first-person protagonists are really just bodies through which the author speaks. There should be no traces of you in the actions, dialogue, or thoughts of the protagonist. (I'm using "protagonist" here with the assumption that the first-person narrator (FPN) is also the main character (MC). This is not always the case, such as in The Great Gatsby, in which the narrator is a side-character telling the story of the protagonist.) The protagonist should have his/her own mind - just because you like vanilla ice cream, doesn't mean the FPN should also like vanilla ice cream. Avoid pasting your own characteristics onto the FPN. Trust me, the reader will find out - the moment the character's voice begins to sound contrived and forced.

2) Never have the character think, say, or do things that he/she would normally never think, say, or do.

If your FPN is a pacifist, would he/she normally say or think: "When I heard about the destruction of the village, I felt a righteous fury so strong that I wanted to take up a sword and go after the murderers myself"? No, they wouldn't. Don't alter the belief systems of your characters for the sake of dramatic effect, or to make your FPN sound all moral and righteous. A pacifist might look for an alterior method of retaliation besides war - perhaps negotiations or compromise or a quiet mission that takes out the enemy from the inside, so as to avoid mass bloodshed. Sure, the FPN can feel rage - sure, he/she can want revenge. But don't suddenly make him/her into a warrior to appease readers. Similarly, if a heroine who's normally quiet and passive is engaged in some kind of conflict with another character, would she really respond to the character with a quick, clever response that shocks the opponent into silence? I doubt it. Perhaps, if the rage has been building up over an extended period of time. But out of the blue, without any warning to the reader? I think not.

Furthermore, watch your FPN's language. If your MC is a thief on the streets, stealing to survive, with no prior education or guidance, would they really use an elaborate simile to describe the setting sun? Nope. When faced with the choice of ornate figurative language or a more direct way of showing, definitely go with the latter. For example:

"She had eyes like the reflection of the moon on water, alternating between flickering hues of silver and deep blue"

VS

"Her eyes flickered silver and blue."

3)Don't let your FPN be too conscious of themselves.

Of course there are allowances for this: if it's one of your character's traits to be self-centered and always talking about themselves, then it's fine (even if it is annoying). Otherwise, don't, don't, DON'T do this:

"My hair was like a river, long and shining, deep purple in color. I had icy blue eyes and a thin, stern mouth that was still full and pink, despite its severity." Yeah, so you did that whole "My FPN is walking along when she happens upon a mirror and stops to look at some random thing on her face, which allows her to conveniently describe herself to the reader without seeming vain" trick. That reeks of fail subtlety. Find a less self-conscious way to describe the FPN - maybe compare the FPN with others of his/her family or race. Something that takes the focus away from the MC and allows you to also expand on other characters.

4)The reason many people dislike FPNs is because they believe that first person narration gives MCs an excuse to angst.

Because of my love for first person, I find it offensive when I see a first-person narrator's potential wasted on "Omg my life sucks so bad, I have all these powers and I'm stuck in a love triangle what do I doooo" (Yes, Smeyer, I'm looking at YOU). Why? Why does first-person have to equal self-pity? "Oh, noes, I have super awesome power and that means I'm weird or different from everyone else." STOP. When you feel your FPN begin to slip into self-pity, or if something happens that could cause the FPN to angst, have him/her do the unexpected. Have him/her get mad instead of sad and floppy. Have him/her try to improve rather than sit around and mope. Have him/her work to control their powers or situation or whatever, rather than cry about how hopeless it is. If I see another "I knew there was nothing I could do. Everything was my fault, and everyone knew it" in any kind of book, I'll hunt down the author and stab them repeatedly with a spork. *sharpens spork*

5)Having a witty FPN is fine. Having a smart-ass FPN is fine. But don't overdo it.

Witty FPNS are great, in my opinion. You get that snide humor that's not as easily wrought in third-person. Even a smart-ass FPN is fine, because it's often a flaw - sometimes an MC can't keep his/her mouth shut, and that gets them into deep doo-doo, which is fun to watch and see how how they get out of it. Intelligent banter between two characters is also fun to watch. But when this person's making cracks at least once a paragraph, it can start to get tiring. I don't mean internal thought that's just naturally funny - such as an observation that strikes the reader as amusing, even if it wasn't the author's intention - but actual, intended jokes about some situation or character. For example, if the MCs and the FPN are sneaking somewhere, trying to track somebody or find their secret lair, don't have the FPN say something funny. It breaks the tension you worked so hard to create and makes the reader - who was previously leaning forward, intensely following each line of text with their eyes - groan and roll those eyes instead. Similarly, if the FPN is having an argument with another character, don't give the FPN all the witty lines and have your opposing character say stupid, pointless stuff or just gape moronically. Remember: the FPN is telling the story themselves, and if he/she is winning the argument and is aware of it, that's a dangerous sign of big-headed-ness in both the author and the MC. So, please. Don't.

Overall, I think your story has potential. I'm tracking it. Just don't disappoint me :)

>>220570220570 What?

Ooooooh, this could be very interesting. Do continue.

>>220590220590

First things first: :golf clap: Writing that much in a comment takes patience, more than most people have. Furthermore, I think I need to address your points one by one:

1. Meh, perhaps later.

2. This is one key aspect of my entire plan for this story in a nutshell. Not only would I not do that, but if I did, it would only make writing this more difficult on my part.

3. I don't like self-conscious people anyway, so that's not a problem.

4. *holds up a rusty spork* Could I join you, 'cause I hate that shit too. We really seem to be thinking alike here, btw

5. I'm actually being cautious of that. Not only would  it derail the story, but irl it would likely get you mugged, both of which are things I'd like to avoid.

Additional note: The main reason why I started this story was to keep everything in character, including my OC, which is yet another reason why I input myself into the story. Why? Because I'm quite familiar with my own character, and since the story is from that POV, it makes sense to use the character I'm most familiar with. Anything my OC says in a situation is what I would say, and the same goes for reactions. I'm witty in real life, I'm skilled at reading body language in real life, etc.

Also, the only reason why I had published that chapter in it's unfinished state was because Chapter 1 wasn't over 1000 words, and I wanted the story itself to get through the moderation queue (my prior story had taken about four days or so to do so.)

Anyway, thank you for your input!!!

Nice for now. What happened with the coloring scheme on the second chapter?

Also, what's happening with A Golden Flame? Is this like a prequel to this, or are you ditching the other story for good?

*please don't be the second one.*

>>220708220708

I'm just writing this while I had an idea for it. I'm still not finished with A Golden Flame

As for the color scheme...I just haven't gotten to it yet. xD

I say, this has great potential

Good concept, and I don't mind the idea of use the most related and use ones decisions and go through with it.

I didn't minded the first chapter ( I have good eye sight)

...wow. Perhaps it would help if the notice to change the background color wasn't in white.

Reminds me of her. Well, the colors do at least.

Well... this is awkward.

Glad we got all that out in the open though. Now prepare yourself for whatever may come your way knowing that you have said all that you had to say on this point.

(FYI sometimes i like to leave comments like this one where i just summarize either a characters thoughts or my own when something i feel noteworthy for a comment happens.)

>>221540221540

If you think about it, though, it could be considered a good thing; the Mane Six all heard his all-out view on the issue first...hoof, and he's saved the much more awkward trouble of having to tell each of them individually; actually, he doesn't need to tell them at all.

Maybe it would be better if you had one update a day, 3000 words-ish instead of a billion <1000 ones.

>>221551221551

Agreed, but if I know what I want to type -- and when I do it's nearly word-for-word -- I'm going to type it. And at this point, the chapters end and start in fitting places, so...-shrugs-. Otherwise, yes, that would be preferable.

Woooaaahhh, wall of text!

Well, it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just that red is such a hard color to read

>>221659221659

Yeaaaaaahhhhh......sorrrrry.

>>221665221665 It's cool, just that red and blue. Always f***ing get to me, they melt together and it's hard to read!

Otherwise, pleasant part and hope for more.

Can't wait to see more

Good chapter. And let the insanity comence

I don't understand why or how>>221680221680 . I read them just fine and dandy

Good chapter and I think this will be...... Awkward to say the least

>>221859221859 Possibly bad eyes, my family is colorblind. I might have a small bit of it.

>>221925221925

I'm sorry for it.

>>222019222019 Lol, I find it funny when people feel bad over nothing,

>>222022222022

Its just my nature  to feel sorry.. For others, I could be bleeding and don't care much (just be carefully with the cut, that all).

>>221925221925

Which members of your family? Because I know from genetics that if your mom is then both of her parents are, too. (the trait for color-blindness is on the X chromosome, so guys only need to have it on their one X chromosome in order to get it, whereas women need it on Both of theirs)...well, crap, there goes my IQ talking again...my damn IQ is such a smartass. =/

>>222280222280 Haha, no worries. Actually my mom and dad have both it. I suppose I got semi lucky with the genetics, unlike my brother :P

>>222298222298

-thinks- Um...I'm sorry to say, but...that's not genetically possible, regardless of your gender. Also, color-blindness is one of those 'you either have it or you don't' traits, so you can't sorta have it. I hate to say it but based on the genetics - if the information you've given me is correct - you...might be adopted.

Dign ding ding. We have a winner.

But what you say is not entirely true, my 'brother' cannot distinguish yellow and green well.

My 'father' cannot distinguish between purple and red very well.

Red and blue melt into one blur if i stare at them too long.

>>222358222358

Ah. Different types. Forgot. However...by far the most common type is red-green colorblindness...and for each type, it varies on shade. For example, I once had a classmate who was red-green colorblind, and he could see both red and pink, but he couldnt see magenta. :shrugs:

>>222397222397 Yes. I don't quite know about my case, seeing as I'm not a doctor nor did I do intensive study on the subject.

All I know is what my limitations are and what I have trouble seeing.

About the normal color-blindness... *shrugs along with you*

>>222422222422

So...pretty much 'fuck it' then? xD

>>222507222507 I suppose. But for what it's worth, I really did enjoy the story.

Egadz! Um...maybe, next time could we not have the wall of rainbow text. I personally prefer the traditional black and white (usually makes it easier to read) =/ I mean red's ok but it can be a little strong, but when you bring in the other colors as well (especially the ones with lighter hues) it can get real challenging to read as the lighter colors tend to merge into the background. But I like the story a lot! I can't wait to see where you go with this.

HAHAHA! Its like a pony version of character creation...

I retract my previous statement about your OC being a Gary Stu... for now.

You're talking this in an interesting direction, and I don't mean that in a bad way. A little bit of the OC's dialogue in this was awkward, you might want to give this chapter the ol' once over again. Other than that, good work so far.

>>221659221659

Red's not so bad when you turn the page to high contrast mode, it only stings the eyes juuuust a liiiitle. /end humor

Good story so far. I'm enjoying at the least and that's what's important!

>>223665223665

If you mean changing the top-right drop-down from white to black, that's what the notice at the top of the first page says to do!

>>223694223694

Oh I just ignored that because that's my default. I prefer to read white on black to black on white. My comment on the red text was meant to be humorous, in all honesty the red doesn't bother me much.

>>223815223815

I figured that from the 'end humor', but I was still just checking.

Hmm. This has potential. Although my only issues come from the colored text  and the shortness of the chapters. But that's just me, ha ha.

I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

Aspicio, diluculo Infinitas Noctis.

Shadow Horizons

Since Colored Text seems to be getting a lot of attention I should just state for the record that I happen to like the colored text. Makes who's talking much more visually clear.

my only problem is i feel that the story's beginning was a bit rushed but overall i sense some awsomeness building up.

It's the only time I've seen it in dark. Just do whatever man.

>>220972220972

I like it. The pinkie in me says get it started already but the sheldon in me says keep the puns coming.

I understand.

I agree with >>225549225549 and also I feel that this story will be good.

Great chapter ..... And why do I feel that rainbow wont stop the crush on him, but keep it a secret (dunno anyone else, I just got that feeling)

This story is really fun so far! Keep up the good work!

maybe if you were to put rarity's color as grey and rainbows a little less colorful it would be enjoyable.

>>220972220972

You know, I kinda liked the fractured speech, it gives out the aura of one being half concious in limbo, it really set out the mood for me at least.

>>227039227039

But you missed out on at least half the chapter, then. xD

Will you please stop putting colours on your dialogue?

I can hardly read Fluttershy's sentences.

haha, funny awkward kinky stuff...had me laughing real hard.

And one question:

How in the world would anyone be able to miss the Kirby reference? May God save their souls, the poor underprivileged things.

>>266995266995

I've said the 'solution' for this several times before, but this time I'll go into more detail for you, alright?

When you're reading it, look at the toolbar-thing at the top of the story. At the right end of it will be a mini-dropdown that, since you claim to not being able to read it very well, should say 'Light'. Click on it, and select the only other option: 'Dark'. The background for the story should now be black (though it's more of a charcoal in my opinion, but that's not important), and you should be able to read ALL THE THINGS as clear as day.

You're welcome.

>>267032267032 Sorry if you had to repeat that. I'm kind of dumb.

Anyways, ok.jpg

>>267039267039

Nah, don't worry about it. Actually, that detailed description would make a nice reference should this be brought up again. That way, I'd only have to link them. xD

Good chapter and still don't have problems reading colors, what's more I prefer it this way

>>267113267113

Thank you.

And considering that I have the next chapter and a half already written out in my notebook (my draft stage), you can expect more to come.

>>225549225549

The funniest thing is, it seems to me that I'm the only person regularly doing it...which I must admit, feels extremely weird, especially because I thought that it would be a relatively common occurrence when I started doing it...only to discover that the only times that I had come across colored text after reading way too many fanfics on this site was when I would go and fix typos in my own stories...

All in all, it's..............nice.

>>266997266997

Exactly (in regard to the Kirby reference), but I simply didn't want to take any chances. Poor souls indeed...

>>269137269137

Ya know? Your right about the colored text. So few fanfics use them I'm actually surprised that it isn't more common. I can't name any other fics that use them off the top of my head.

>>269565269565

If you think you're surprised, I'm so astonished that I flinched and was unable to use a move this turn!

Da fuq?

>>270836270836

...you'll have to be more specific than that, I'm afraid.

Twi said what is the truth about that thing

Good chapter and fun as well

I nearly fell out of my chair at the "Run awaaay!" tHANK yOU.

lol i like rule 34 personally

>>270662270662 AHHH Pokemon reference? Nicely played sir.

>>270662270662 AHHH Pokemon reference? Nicely played sir.

Dude this is creepy. Your name is almost the same, your IQ is around mine, and somehow you have the same dry sarcastic sense of humor. Are you sure you don't have a twin who was lost at sea? Because if you did... that's kinda scary.

>>273363273363

I live in Phoenix, Arizona. The closest ocean is in Mexico, the Gulf of California, to be exact. I highly doubt that I had been lost at sea.

Monthly pythons reference

Good man. You are awesome

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY INTERNETZ DaBeenjes!

All fear the two almighties of the universe: the gut and the author.

>>274612274612

DaBeejees*

*takes the internetz and runs*

I like most off your list

achievement unlocked : a dragon in punch?

Yes, I have achievements  for stories.

Try gaining them all (this story has 4 for now)

Good chapter keep at it

>>275008275008

Wait, what are the other ones I have?

>>275166275166

1st  pleyer much? (mane 6 fall In love with the main character {must be between chap 1-4})

2d forth wall be dammed (pinkie talks to the author)

3d wing pleasure ({ only available if main char is a Pegasus}  be pleasured by you wing(s) with a one or more of the mane 6)

4d you already know

>>275421275421

...I'm proud of myself.

Well, could be worse... Could it?

Good chapter and I can relate to brendan, read my bio and you will know why.

Keep at it

Achievement unlocked: like the demoman (get laid while drunk)

>>275758275758

Nice to relate to you, too!

<--Brendan

Hehehe, the thought of Flutters walking through the 4th wall makes me lol. I can imagine the conversation going rather Ozy: "Please pay no attention to the man behind the writers desk! I am the all powerful OOOOOZZZZ... No, don't run in fear! Fluttershyyyy!"

>>275782275782

To be honest, it's by imagining things like that that make those kind of jokes even work!

Teleport, always work

Good chapter

>>276316276316

Honestly though, I'm trying to decide whether I should go into 'detail' in the next chapter, if you get my drift.

>>276328276328

Gigity gigity gu

If ya want to, after all you are the writer

>>276412276412

I think that the best way to go at it though would be to make a sexual and a non-sexual version, with the former having a shitload of warnings at the top an in the title so I can keep the overall rating at teen. What do you think? I'd honestly like some feedback -- about anything, really. and that goes for ALL OF Y'ALL!

>>276440276440

This sounds good. People can't complain if there are blatant warnings.

>>276600276600

They could complain about so many annoying warnings...but then again, after reading what would be after the warnings, I doubt any potential complainers would care anymore. xD

Fantastic. The wording of this was truly worthy of a place in the history of literature, and I feel accomplished for reading it.

Somehow I honestly expected something of this sort. It was great anyway.

>>276982276982

Don't worry; there's going to be a 'sexy' version.

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnf0acKdnL1qm1mx4o1_500.jpg

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

>>278338278338

Don't worry, I'm currently working on the sexy version

>>278378278378

In fact, I think y'all deserve a mini-sneak peek:

""Oh baby~! Accelerando~! Accelerando~!" Vinyl mocked me in complete disregard to what I had just said."

Ha! Spells don't work when you can't concentrate silly girl! :P

Also, does he seriously have a flashy thing? Because I've always had... ideas about how to use one

>>279525279525

I think he might have gotten the flashy-thing from Pinkie but I'm not quite su--

~~~

.......uh huh...

.....really?

.....well, okay then, thanks!

~~~

*clears throat* Sorry about that. But I've just been told that yes, Pinkie gave him one at some point.

>>279525279525 Yes. He has a flashy thingy. It was my idea to make the spell fail, so yay.

...edit: I read the rest of your comment. You sick, sick puppy.