NeonFlash
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First off ...
FIRST POST!!!
(holds up hands) Okay I am done. Yes I read the rules, I know I am not suppose to state those words above, but I could not help myself. It is the first post for the chapter, the first post for the story, and my first post on all of Fimfiction. If I still get down voted for this or banned for the misdemeanor (shrugs) it matters not to me, I just wanted to make my first post within Fimfiction to be special, to a degree. Now on to the review!
You asked for criticism NeonFlash, so I am going to deliver.
When I first officially read this chapter for this story (approximately 1 week after your story published), I could not even completely read what you have currently typed. Let's start from the beginning ...
You first drew me in with the title of your story, "The War of the Sun and Moon." To the point and a part of a beloved type of story on Fimfiction: Luna and Celestia raising armies to fight each other. The Republic versus the Imperials. The second draw was your story cover picture. That is always a plus to me, something interesting for me to look at and try to interpret, and if it is a different picture from all the others, it makes your story all the more unique. I see that the source for the picture is Tzolkine on DeviantArt. Unless you are Tzolkine on DeviantArt, then I suggest you give credit where credit is due in your story synopsis. The final hook is your story's abbreviation of the goings on in War of the Sun and Moon. It really lays out certain overall details of the situation and it got me all excited to start reading your story.
There was one thing that gave me pause, before I began though and it was the main characters we were about to see: Rainbow Dash, Celestia, Luna, OC, and Other. Usually these Republic versus Empires has Twilight Sparkle being the main character, so it was a nice change to see some other mare of the Main Six being in the spotlight (though then again, Rainbow Dash would probably be the second most used as a main character. I would not actually know, but I would not be surprised if it was so). Celestia and Luna are standard for these kinds of stories ... but the OCs and Other characters made me wary. I was hoping I would not have to, but for this story I had to pull out a piece of paper to keep track of characters.
So now I am going to go through the chapter by paragraph and tell you my thoughts as I went through them. My first initial thoughts and my critical thoughts are going to be a bit blended together so I apologize in advance if it gets confusing.
Chapter 1: The Battle Near Rambling Rock Ridge
1st ¶ :
1. Space b/w "it" & "..."
2. Sounds kind of weird to have a battle at "Rambling" Rock Ridge, are you sure you did not mean "Rumbling" Rock Ridge? (shrugs) I mean no offense, it just seems kind of a strange naming of location considering rambling means to aimlessly wander.
3. You have placed two "campfires" within two words of each other. I suggest switching up the words. Choose one or the other, just do not place them so close to each other.
4. It is specified that there are 3 Pegasi + 4 other ponies ... are they Earth ponies? If so why no Unicorns? Are they all male?
5. Place an "and" b/w "shields," & "assault."
6. This was the first alarm (red flag) that drew my attention. For both the initial and critical read through, this is the first object that made me start questioning your story. You state "spears, swords, shields, [and] assault rifles." "ASSAULT RIFLES." When I first read those words, I had to reread the whole paragraph to double check myself. Last I know of the FiM series, these ponies are still in the middle ages, military wise, and so armor, swords, spears, shields, axes, halberds, bows, crossbows, bolts, arrows, and siege canons I would expect. "One of these things is not like the others. Do you know which one it is?" Then I started to rationalize that "hm, perhaps the war tech is nearer to that of the early 1900s and with the WW1 era of technology and tactics. That is when assault rifles were being created."
7. Since we have OCs + Others, descriptions and names are a major detail that I must be on the lookout for. So E-pony w/ caramel (mane or coat?), black eyes, and blade.
2nd ¶ :
now that did make me smile.
1. There are multiple speakers = new/different paragraphs for each speaker. What I would define as a new paragraph is when you double 'enter.' Whenever there is a new speaker, onto the next paragraph. You see examples of this throughout all official published works. (shrugs) It is just what we do and it helps the reader figure out who is speaking (though I will say that it is easier for me to keep track of how many paragraphs you have, otherwise I would be numbering them into the hundreds instead of your measly 49 paragraphs, for almost 8k of words 49 paragraphs is pretty small esp. if there is dialogue). I understand that published books do have a change of paragraph with only an 'enter' and a tab. But this is only usually done for books that wish to format in a way to fit more information onto a small page. This is a reading website and so I heavily suggest that you format in having your paragraphs double spaced ('entered') from each other to at least allow the reader an easier time to read your story.
2. Flames is a tan Pegasus
3. Grey Earth pony
4. Galloping Gorge
5. Light blue pegasus + young/inexp.
6. NLR (New Lunar Republic), I know you state this in the synopsis that that is what the acronym means, but if I went straight into the story without reading summary, I would have no idea to what NLR would mean. Or think of it in the way of someone reading their first Fimfiction story, would you not want to set an example as to what you can write or others can write upon this website.
7. An old Earth pony
8. "lunies"
9. Spelling mistake: change "week" to "weak"
10. "Salvaged" should be changed to some other word. "Quickly drawn" or something. When I think of salvaged I imagine that all the objects (weapons) are worn, damaged, destroyed, and/or in pieces.
11. Windy is a pegasus
12. I do not know if it is correct, but it feels like to me that there should be a semicolon after "broken" & an "and" needs to added b/w "heartbeat" & "their."
Reviewer's Note (RN): my excitement is up, my mood to read is right, and I hear this.
3rd ¶ :
Looks like I will be ranting on this later on.
1. River:
fortress
pillboxes
machine gun nests
artillery positions
8th army
tanks
battle mechs
combat helicopters
loud speakers/voices
trenches
RN: ... What Fracking era are we in?!?!
4th ¶ :
1. Change "beaming" to "glaring," my first thought of beaming is smiling/cheerful.
5th ¶ :
1. Radio
2. I appreciate the soldier pony shouting at the tank, but this is another out of era situation. A pony hitting a tank with a sword?
7th ¶ :
1. Trucks & APCs
2. Ants into the trenches, I like that.
8th ¶ :
1. Now we gain the captain's name: Stone Lightray
2. Steel Teeth with phalanx (are they vehicles or an actual Greek city state phalanx?).
9th ¶ :
1. Howitzer
2. Howitzer crew:
unicorn
"hairy?" (I thought all ponies were 'hairy?' Specify by what you mean please.) E-pony w/ southern accent
a young pegasus officer w/ gold/white armor
3. The officer is acting excited, not how an officer should be acting. Needs to be calm and controlled.
4. A Unicorn manually picking up and artillery shell?
+magic can give away ones position
-not realistic, would be the E-pony carrying the shell and/or the unicorn assisting the E-pony.
10th ¶ :
1. The Machine Gunner (MG) crew:
Poke = grey colt
Mare on the MG
A unicorn with the ammunition belt
11th ¶ :
1. A massive unicorn with a long blade.
RN: It was an interesting speech, standard, very generic pre-WWI & WWI speech.
12th ¶ :
1. Shiny = MG crew's MGer mare
2. "pressed the trigger" ... ?
3. Change "out of" to "with"
13th ¶ :
1. pegasus with bombs? (napalm?) Wait you stated "sonic" so that means whatever is flying is going at least Mach 1!
2. "Black eagles" = actual eagles, pegasus, or aircraft (the way this tech has been for the battle, I'm leaning towards aircraft).
RN: Now the feeling turns toward Vietnam
14th ¶ :
1. Dust = the unicorn with the ammunition belt
Complete list of MG crew:
Poke = nervous grey colt
Shiny = MGer mare
Dust = colt with ammo belt
2. Generic officer being killed in one of usual ways. He tells you to come back but then he dies. Morbid humor.
15th ¶ :
1. sonic + miniguns implies metal aircraft
16th ¶ :
1. Steel Hoof w/ mohawk + cigar + heavy metal + pegasus = bad ass
2. All in Mechas ... sigh
17th ¶ :
1. Mechs or ground vehicles?
RN: I immediately thought of 1950s AA missiles (cold war era)
18th ¶ :
1. Flame dies
there are no feelings for him
I even forgot who he was
19th ¶ :
stop).
1. 1000s of pegasus!?
2. For the ponies shouting the acronyms "NLR" ... it just seems kind of weird. "For the USA!" vs "For America (or individual states)" or another would be "For the USSR!" vs "For (mother) Russia!" or "For the Fatherland!" etc.
3. Useless to wear armor if using guns. Guns tear through it ... maybe for glancing blows it can protect you, but, personally, I would rather have speed to rush the enemy positions than be weighed down by armor that is not going to protect me from bullets (Mythbusters proved this, please
21st ¶ :
1. Last "blew up" change of vocabulary is needed, "combusted" for example.
22nd ¶ :
1. No magic?
Outdated?
No suicide magic? (like turning oneself into a bomb?)
23rd ¶ :
The problem with all soldiers good or bad who monologue/celebrate before the battle is over, they get distracted/give their opponent an opportunity and they die!
RN: "idiots"
25th ¶ :
1. Now the remains of the scout squad and the MG crew band together, yah.
26th ¶ :
1. "rare" ... I understand what you are saying, but the first thing I think about is the meat kind of rare. I suggest "they became few" or "they started to feel alone." Something along those lines.
27th ¶ :
1. Good imagery
28th ¶ :
1. ... as if hell didn't already break loose.
29th ¶ :
1. Tireus is with the artillery ponies
2. Airships?! ... I am not surprised at all.
30th ¶ :
1. Ah a hint of Spitfire and finally Dash
31st ¶ :
1. The controls for ships/vehicles/guns ... are they are Anthro? Because that is exactly how you are making these ponies sound to be, with hands and working digits. Either Anthro or altogether human.
32nd ¶ :
Stupid tactics. This is employed pre-WWI and during WWI and ended in WWI due to how ineffective it was during the trench warfare!
1. ... 1000s of ponies overkill esp. w/ the amount of tech. More tech = less troops generally needed. And with better gun technology = less with dense infantry formations and a massive shift to skirmisher tactics.
2.
33rd ¶ :
1. Now we revert to middle age tactics?! One big ass confusing mess (if you cannot tell by now, but I am getting very frustrated with your story NeonFlash).
34th ¶ :
1. Tank taken out by a rocket? The scene reminds me of a panzer being hit by a M1A1 ... it is doable, but more luck and opportunity than anything else.
35th ¶ :
1. Those 5 amigos
2. Rainbow streak?
paint on aircraft or something else?
36th ¶ :
1. "barrel roll" ... homage = respect
2. Though this is the second time that Dash has stated, "Please I'm better than that." Rainbow has an attitude and the picture being painted through your words are starting to make her sound like a kid rather than a hotshot pilot.
38th ¶ :
1. Finally the tanks ... why 100s? Such bloated numbers ...
40th ¶ :
1. Snipers ... sigh
41st ¶ :
1. "on" to "onto"
43rd ¶ :
Save me from the craziness!
1. How the frack did the artillery crew get on board an enemy airship?
44th ¶ :
1. With the way the battle has been going, I am surprised the Solar ponies were not shooting at the retreating Lunar ponies esp. when they were crossing the river.
49th ¶ :
1. Surprisingly you bring it all back down again ... as in the emotions.
The only parts throughout the whole entire story that I actually felt something for these characters was between these paragraphs: 1-2 & 46-49. Otherwise nothing, zilch. There was no connection between me and them. I didn't feel their fear, their sweat, or their blood and your out of proportion numbers just compounded that lack of emotions in the story. That first "assault rifle" was the first warning sign and after that it all went down hill from there.
.
. The way you use all three species of ponies is more homogenous. This shows especially with the vehicles, aircraft, and mechs. Each specie has different attachments. Unicorns have horns and Pegasus have wings ... 
. Why would one continue to create 3 different types of vessels to accommodate 3 different sub species?
!
Then you have all this military technology and tactics from all of humanity's ages of war: the bronze age, middle ages, colonial ages, WWI, WW2, Cold War era, modern, and futuristic age. It was like you took all the military techs/tactics in the world and shoved them into a story of 1 chapter with 49 paragraphs and almost topping off at 8k words. (sigh) It is just TOO much. You write well. You have the potential, but this miss mash of a story is too confusing for me to understand. There are too many contradictions in military tactics. That pony banging on that tank is right, get the frack out of the way! A heavy suggestion, pick an era of military tech and stick with it because otherwise you are making me sick
The way you wrote how the ponies interact with their technology is really strange. It feels as if you are making them human or anthro or ponies with fingers. Decide what you want, though if you do stay with ponies being ponies then you really need to adapt the technology for their hooves. Then comes the topic of magic ... the only ponies who used magic were Celestia to raise the sun and probably Luna (off screen) in raising the moon with her image upon it ... this battle felt as if it was fought with only Earth and Pegasus ponies. Then the pegasus get the short end of the stick when they have to banzai charge towards the MG positions. They are wearing armor and being peppered with bullets, probably flak, and missiles ...
You have potential NeonFlash, it's there, you show it at the beginning and at the ending, but you need to focus. All I see on my screen is a barf of ideas and no cohesion. You tell the battles just fine, just CHOOSE AN ERA
Hopefully I didn't scare you off and hopefully you will reply (esp. since I spent over 12 hours getting this review/critic done). A warning, I will not be here b/w the 14th and the 21st. So do not expect a response if you replay then. And I did not fully proof read my big ass comment here, so excuse my mistakes please, but I am now officially done with this review.
Edit: I forgot to add that when I initially read your story, I had to stop at the Howitzers. I could not take the madness anymore. From that point on I just paged through the rest of the story reading a few lines until I got to the end. I could already get the gist of the chapter in that lots of fighting and death occurred and now the two rulers are sad.
Best of luck, stay healthy, and update soon!
-Sky66
2858341
Sky66, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for your review and rant. Didn't expect that someone would actually comment on my story. Like, seriously, THANK YOU
. So I'll try to respond to most of your questions and make some conclusions for myself. I WILL consider. I appreciate the citicizm! And have no fear, no one will down vote it or have you banned! This is indeed a special post (especially for me
)
So... Yeah... I have a bunch of stories and this was like a intro... Maybe not a very good one, bad, some might even say, but its something. (That I made in one night.
) I totaly agree with you on many things! The characters, yeah. Even I, when writing the story just gave them simple tasks without really digging deep into their personalities. This was just in the beginning, I assure you, the other stories will stick closer to the characters.
Right... The technology thing... Seems its not going too well. Indeed, my initial idea was to make a mix of all technologies from all eras that interacted with each other in different ways... Certain locations in Equestria seem to have their own era atmosphere. So I decided to just mash it all up into one big giant F'd up battle. But... I guess this really confuses the reader, so I'll just take the post modern era...
Yeah, I agree, the way the ponies interact ith the tech... I should pay more attention to that. Guess I forgot at times that they're ponies. Hard to write about ponies using human equipment
About the magic. For some reason I put the unicorns on a higher step due to being able of using magic.(I'm no racist
) If you read my story you can probably notice that most of the officers are unicorns. By doing that I neglected magic all in all, putting it on the back row, forgetting that (Friendship is Magic!!!) magic is a very important part of Equestria. I will consider this in the future stories.
Alright then. Indeed, this story is just one big battle... There will be more reason and sanity in the future stories. I wont be inviting Discord to my next story writing...
Then again, THANKS ALOT Sky66, you've stimulated me for more story writing!