All it took was for me to detach myself from that cruel monster and for her to catch on to what I was doing before I was promptly hauled off and dumped into a bath of fire. Still, I would die with the belief that I was doing the right thing and the hope that I could help save the one life still left from the massacre. My only wish would be that my fellow brethren wouldn't have needed to follow me to death's door. There would be no time to mourn, no chance to see the tyrant fall. Once the flames reached my heart, death would be imminent.
At least, so I thought.
Chapters (1)
Its a start. Not much to say other than you grammar and spelling are good. It has potential to be a good story but until a few more chapters are out, I'll just have to wait and see. One thing I hope to see in this story is that you don't have the Morality core immediately tell his/her entire story to whatever creature that stumbles upon him/her. What I hate about some crossovers is that as soon as the characters from both series meet, they go on about their life story.
First of all, most of that information is very sensitive or unnecessary to the story until later. There are crossovers where the character just bleeds his heart out at the first meeting just to garner feelings and friendship. This is the shameful mark of a impatient and mediocre writer. The Morality core won't just blurt out information or immediately reveal it all at once. If you were in the shoes of the main character and have suffered from much pain and trauma, would you just bleed your heart out to the first sentient creature you find? Just like that? Give it time and pace it out. Only reveal when there is no choice or it helps to shape the story in a way that helps it proceed.
2813679 But of course! No one would dare tell their life story to total strangers, after all. Considering that this just a prologue, I just felt like a monologue from Morality would be good enough to start. The dialogue itself isn't really meant for anyone but the readers themselves. Thanks for the advice, though.
A portal core in Equestria?
si0.twimg.com/profile_images/1775380694/Genius_logo_2_white_rgb.jpg
2813696 I'm not accusing you of anything, especially this early in your work. Its just... I've had plenty of experience with this. I'd be reading a decent story when all of a sudden some important pony ask the main character who he is. The main character replied, "I am Commander Sheppard, Council Specter, who saved the galaxy from evil alien spaceships call the Reapers... etc... etc... etc..." Then the pony is all, "WOOOOOOW! You're like... super important and I really like you!" Most likely that's the Mane 6 and they all list off what they like about him/her.
Nowadays its a reflex. Once the main character starts this speech of self importance, I close the tab and say, "Nope, nope, nope nope nope..." Its just sad and a waste of a perfectly good beginning of what could have been a great story.
So yeah... Good luck!
2813748 Hm. Well, according to the Half-Life Wiki, the morality core was made after the first "Bring Your Daughter To Work" day ended in an unspecified disaster. I just went by what it said.
The premise is intriguing, the character is well fleshed, the grammar is mostly accurate, the writing doesn't go too fast, and honestly I'm going to be burning away my brain until the next part comes out.
To put it simply;
This chapter, I like it!
*smashes computer*
ANOTHER!
2815119 YES!
2813707 Yeah, I've always wondered why no one else bothered to do this.
Oh my god! Yes! All of my yes!
Fantastic work! This is only the begining and I'm already thinking about it. A intriguing character layout and detailed back history. I hadn't taken a second glance toward Morality core until just now. And then there's the transformation aspect; wow I can't wait to see that part. If a being that had no movable limbs to begin with suddenly has four of them then... Yup, can't wait. I love portal and I love intelligent writing! So here's to your successful chapter.
Added to the main folder of the Transformations group.
But about catagories, I don't know... Would this fic be considered a willing or accidental transformation? Cause she was only intending for death, which is just another way for saying "a means to a end." She did get that, but wasn't expecting to become a pony. What do you think? Anyone?
2821687 no idea really
2845441
*Sigh*
I need discussion. Why do you have "no idea" then?
2845499 the transformation would have been accidental in my opinion.
2845520
Okay then.
*A tumble weed rolls by*
Well... It has been lovely, but I have to go now.
Have a good day, night, or morning!
2845567 mkay bye
2845586
No thanks! You first.
2845598ok then
2821687 It was definitely accidental. I mean, she gets thrown into a fire pit expecting to die. She was planning for her death sometime after GLaDOS took over due to the guilt she felt. Can't call it a willing transformation if you weren't even expecting it, right?
So, how goes the writing/editing/fighting off chapter eating cthulhu spawn?
Go go go! KEEP WRITING! NOUU!!!!!