Judge Luna
Case #1 – Eleven Foals
It was nearly midnight in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle had long since gone to bed. Early to bed, early to rise, after all! Spike, on the other hoof, had other plans. When the wooden clock hanging on the wall quietly struck 11:30pm, his eyes popped open. He’d been feigning sleep for almost three hours now, a rare feat indeed since it was hard to stay awake with one’s eyes closed. Twilight had bought his playing possum and gone to bed so… he’d had to lay still for a long, long while until the appropriate time.
Leaning slowly, the purple dragon lifted his head and peered at his mistress. She was splayed out on her back, as though embracing something huge that was laying atop her. The blankets were kicked to one side, for the summer night had stayed rather muggy. Trying not to chuckle Spike rose stealthy from his bed and carefully crept away. Gingerly closing the bedroom door, he went to all fours and down the stairs to the great room. Pulling open the door to Twilight’s lab, he slunk down into darkness. Clicking on the light, he pulled up a sitting pillow near the television.
Being a bookish sort of mare that coveted study and outdoor activities, Twilight had never had much use for her television. Since the invention was only a few years old now, it was still in black and white, and sometimes the channels didn’t come in properly. After she’d tinkered with it for a few days, she decided she’d learned everything she could from it and thrown a quilt over it to use as a side table.
Spike carefully stacked the books that had been on it to one side and pulled off the quilt. Plugging a spare refracting crystal into its power outlet (magic, not electricity, remember…) he turned the volume down as the machine whirred to life and bathed him in its strange snowy glow. Checking over his shoulder to make sure Twilight had not been roused, he grinned and rubbed his little paws together. The baby dragon had heard about a show recently. A very late-night show that wasn’t for foals or the weak of heart. And it starred none other than Princess Luna. He watched it every week when it came on, and he couldn’t get enough of it! Reaching up, he click-click-clicked the giant clumsy dial to find the right channel. When the image started skipping he fished the rabbit-ears out of a nearby closet. Leaning them back and forth with excitement, he finally managed to get the image to settle and come into focus. “Looks like I’m just in time!” he whispered. Backing up, he adjusted the volume so he could hear it, but not rouse Twilight. Running, he plopped himself down on his round little belly on the sitting pillow. Resting his chin in his palms, he kicked his legs excitedly as the music started up. The announcer, a deep-voiced stallion, spoke as the show started:
Dun dun dun duhhhhhhn!
You are about to enter the Courtroom of Princess Luna!
The ponies are real!
The cases are real!
And the rulings are final!
This-- is Judge Luna.
A sharp, silvery sort of logo flew into view trailing stars behind it. Luna’s cutie mark exploded onto the screen, spinning before coming to rest on the right side of the logo. Shots of a busy Canterlot whipped past the camera, showing busy streets and chattering ponies. Then it panned up the palace, racing at warp speed through the hallways and towards the throne room. The doors dashed open to reveal a set of pews, two front tables, a high-seated throne and a series of guards. The massive clock on one wall read midnight.
“This is gonna be great!” Spike squeaked, trying to keep his voice down.
=-----=-----=-----=-----=
“All rise!” barked an armored Lunar Stallion. “The honorable Princess Luna, presiding!” His yellow, slit-pupil’ed eyes darted around. The ponies gathered in the throne room jumped from their chairs as the massive double doors came open. A tall, intimidating alicorn swept into the room. Walking at a firm and authoritative pace, she passed row after row of gawking pony subjects. Her mane was liquid starlight, her tail a sweeping trail of comet’s dust, and her silvery regalia a sparkling mass of cold steel. Her sharp, intelligent eyes swept back and forth as she walked at a decent clip down the aisle between the pews. Lunar Stallions turned in pairs, saluting her as she went by. She held her nose up, regal and serious. Stepping up onto the dais, she waited for her soldiers to arrange themselves. One remained near the throne while the others lined the walls, ten feet between each stallion. Nothing escaped their yellow eyes. Princess Luna came to the throne at last, turning and seating herself formally. “You may be seated!” barked the same stallion.
Luna picked up a scroll, studying the names and notes she’d made earlier. A couple of cameras off to the side turned on, and were pointed at her. The only reason she’d allowed them was because her court had an open-door policy. If other ponies wanted to see their government in action but could not attend, who was she to say no? Her only condition was that the cameras and crew made exactly zero noise during her proceedings. Because of this, she’d gotten rid of no less than seven camera crews before they’d sent one quiet enough for her liking. “Ahem.” Luna said, when she was ready at last.
“All parties in the matter of Quick Buck versus the Equestrian Welfare Board, step forward!” The stallion that was assigned to stand near the throne made a ‘come here’ gesture. A pair of ponies came into the throne room, one at a time, taking their places before the throne. There was a pair of tables in front of the throne at the base of the dais, to its left and right. The defendant went on one side, and plaintiff on the other. When both stallions had taken their place, the throne attendant turned, giving Princess Luna a thin folder of papers. “Your Majesty, this is case number 60659, in the matter of Quick Buck versus the EWB.” Murmured the stallion to Luna.
The dark alicorn took the folder, signing it briefly and setting it to one side of herself. “Thank you, Steel Wing.” She murmured, nodding that he could take his place to her immediate left. The stallion stood at attention, becoming a living statue unless his Princess told him otherwise. “Mister Buck, it is our understanding that you are sueing the Equestrian Welfare Board because you feel you qualify for their aid but they have stopped providing said aid in the past few months. You say this is because they have some personal bias against you and that you are not being treated fairly under Equestrian law, is this true?”
“Yes, your Majesty.” Quick Buck nodded quickly. He was a square-looking, stubbled stallion with a comic-book-like striking shape on his flank. Luna was thankful ‘Quick Buck’ was not as lewd or literal as she’d initially thought. Not that she would make mention of such things in her courtroom. She studied him for a moment. He looked a little laxing in the midsection and didn’t stand quite as straight as a few stallions she could name. His mane had been slicked back with simple oils and his tie was a bit lopsided. Probably a clip-on, under that white collar.
“And you sir, mister…” Luna paused to check her notes. “Golden Leaf.” She said at last. “You say that Mister Buck no longer qualifies for the aid of the government because of certain circumstances which came to light at the EWB. Is this true?” she asked, turning her royal gaze on the second stallion.
Golden Leaf nodded, prim and proper. “Yes, your highness.” He said. The golden seal on his flank said he was used to dealing with important papers, signing things and looking for discrepancies in contracts. In other words, he was an eagle-eye for the company he represented to make sure nopony cheated the system.
“Let us begin with you, Quick Buck.” Luna’s aqua eyes turned to the brown stallion. “How long have you been on welfare with the EWB?”
“Er, twelve years.”
“For what reason?”
“I have foals to feed!”
“Oh, I see!” Luna’s motherly face flitted across her features. For one stark and startling moment, she resembled Celestia and it was easy to believe they were twin sisters. “You come from a large family, and needed aid from the government in order to keep everypony fed and watered?”
“Yes.” Quick Buck nodded.
“What do you do for a living, Mister Buck?” Luna lifted a few sheets of paper, looking for his details page. It seemed to escape her for a moment.
“Er, I’m unemployed.” The stallion wilted, looking away.
“Oh, I see…” Luna said sympathetically. “Your foals must be in for hard times indeed if their father has no work to put feed in their troughs.”
“Tell me about it. And these cheapskates won’t give me a dime to support my family!” Quick Buck thrust an accusing hoof at Gold Leaf, whose face grew angry. “How do you sleep at night, huh?!”
“Why I NEVER--!”
“Shhh-sh-sh!” Luna hushed Gold Leaf, lifting her hoof. “We shalt get to thy complaints, hush for now, we beseech thee.” The princess turned back to Quick Buck, her smile growing milky and warm again. “How many foals are in such a family, sir?” she asked.
“Eleven, your majesty!”
“Eleven! My my!” Luna chuckled, making note of it. “All from the same mother, I assume? Your wife?” she asked off-handedly.
“Oh yes, of course! We’ve been married for fifteen years!”
“What does missus Buck do?”
“W-well she’s a nurse and a mother.”
“Quite the workload.” Luna commented. “I cannot imagine such a thing, even from the throne where I sit. Eleven foals and a full-time job, and a husband desperately wanting to provide for them as well… but no job for himself?” it came out like a question.
“Yes, your highness. Ever since I hurt my back all that time ago…” Quick Buck looked to one side again, turning his ears back. Luna’s eyes swept up and down his square-ish body. “Even with my wife being a nurse, it acts up badly now and then and I just can’t find something that suites me... I just wanna provide for me kids, but now not even the Welfare Board will!” he hung his head a little, and Luna quirked a brow. He shot a dirty glare at his opponent when a time had passed.
“I see, I see.” The night time Princess stroked her chin for a moment, thoughtful. “And now you, Gold Leaf. What have you to say about all this?” she turned her attention to the pony that was being sued.
“Your Majesty, the Equestrian Welfare Board provides monies, as you well know, to those that cannot support themselves. That means they’ve retired, or been hurt, or can’t work for some other reason.”
“I was in an accident and my back was thrown out of whack! I have hospital documents to prove it!” barked Quick Buck, pulling a little fan of papers from his saddlebag. Luna gestured, and Steel Wing went forward to collect them for her Majesty to see. The armored stallion turned and brought them up to her before returning to his post.
“Er, as I was saying.” Gold Leaf said. “After a certain amount of time has gone by our contracts expire and the family must fend for itself.” He paused for a time. “Or, under really bad circumstances, they can be extended. Mister Buck’s contract of welfare monies was extended… er…” he paused to check, “Over a dozen times. And over time he started claiming more beneficiaries.”
“My foals!” The poor stallion snapped angrily. “Don’t talk about them like they’re a statistic!”
“Silence.” Luna snapped at them both. “Fetch that contract for me as well, Steel Wing.” She gestured, and the paper was brought to her. “Mmm, yes I see. Monies to be paid monthly until you got back on your hooves… after catastrophic injury at a construction site, yes?”
“That’s right, your Majesty.” said Quick Buck, nodding that it was true. “I fell from really, really high up! Never been the same since.” He sighed. Luna nodded thoughtfully, studying the documents closely.
“Gold Leaf, what is the reason that the EWB started looking more closely at Quick Buck and his family?” Princess Luna said, looking over the lip of the paper at him. “Could thou not see that he was ‘down and out’ at the moment?” there were a few drops of poison in her words. “What could thou possibly gain from picking on him, huhm?”
“His contract is over twelve years old. When ponies stay hurt for that long without applying for disability, medical financial aid, tags for their wagons, or anything else…” Gold Leaf trailed off, providing a slip of paper for each item Quick Buck didn’t have, “It started to draw attention. Now, there’s only so many ponies watching over the EWB, but I happened to spot him and shut him down.”
“Why?” Luna pressed.
“He’s… not handicapped?” it came out like a question.
“Why do you think that?” Luna said, leaning forward.
“He didn’t apply for any of the benefits for handicapped ponies in any other department, and it sounded like a… well, a leech.” Gold Leaf said carefully, fixed under her majesty’s powerful gaze.
“That’s a dirty rotten lie!” roared Quick Buck. “I have a growing family! I have foals to feed!”
Luna straightened a bit, mulling their words over. “Thou say thy back is too weak to work, Quick Buck,” the dark Princess said pensively. There was a short silence, and a rather devilish smirk rose on one side of her muzzle.“…but strong enough to sire eleven foals?” her head swerved about to fix the stallion with a stern look.
“Well I… I… erm…” Quick Buck’s muzzle wrinkled and his face reddened in embarrassment.
“We art thousands of years old, and we have had many lovers.” Luna raised her voice a bit, tossing her mane. “And we can tell thee that no stallion with back problems so severe he could not work,” she paused to point at him with a gilded hoof. “Could possibly mount a mare and produce eleven foals! It isn’t done!”
“But… But I…!” Quick Buck’s face was as red as a cherry. Busted.
“Even something as simple as ‘would thou like hay fries with that’, would bring home a paycheck.” Luna went on, switching gears over to scold Quick Buck. “Any simpleton can do ‘would thou like hay fries with that’!”
“Th-that’s colt’s work!” Quick Buck blurted. “I have an education! A degree even! I graduated from college!” the stallion said, hunching defensively.
“Thou worked construction after college, despite thy degree?” Luna asked.
“I couldn’t find anything in my field in Ponyville or anywhere near where I lived.” The stallion said in a smaller voice.
“And your field was?”
“Microbiology…” he mumbled, red-cheeked.
“If there are no tiny things that need studying nearby, then apply thyself to something and put food on your foals’ table!” Luna barked, stamping a hoof. “You make a mockery of the Welfare system because you think certain jobs are BENEATH you?!” her voice was rising angrily, and a couple of the nearby stained-glass windows shuddered in warning. A couple of Lunar stallions reached up to keep them from shattering.
“B-but your Majesty! I went to school for a long time! I just got hurt early and have been waiting for the right job to come along for—!”
“A job so complex does not wander up and snap at thy backside, you lazy fool!” Luna was already shifting over into her angry mode. The ponies in the pews shifted a little fearfully. “The EWB was right to take you off of their programs. Thou likes nothing more than to stay home and make foals with thy wife. Get out of thy house! Get a job! Shovelling cow flop would be more bits than none at all!
“B-but I—!”
“Your case is dismissed!” Luna raised a massive hoof and stamped it on the lip of the throne. The crack resounded like an echo, and everypony flinched. “Thou may expect a visit from several government bodies, Mister Buck, in regards to the safety and welfare of thy eleven foals. Until then tell thy wife to keep her legs closed and her tail tucked!” the last barb stung badly, and Quick Buck sank behind the table miserably, mumbling to himself.
“Er, your Majesty?” ventured Gold Leaf.
“As the precise moment of his mending cannot be identified I cannot award you any damages, Gold Leaf.” Luna said, huffing as Quick Buck was escorted out by Lunar Stallions. “We are afraid the Equestrian Welfare Board will have to take the brunt for this case. But worry not. One less leech holding onto it will only make the system healthier. You are dismissed as well.”
“Yes, Princess.” Gold Leaf bowed low, not daring anything further.
“Stalwart Hide.” Princess Luna turned to another nearby guard. “Send word to the proper agencies. The household of Quick Buck is to be inspected for safety, financial stability, and anything else they might think of in regards to the eleven foals in the home. If they find it lacking, well…” Luna actually took a moment to sigh, looking troubled. “…Better they be in foster homes that can care for them, than in a home where their sire flat out refuses to provide for them.”
“Yes your Highness.” He turned to make it so.
“My judgement has been made!” Luna announced to the room. “Let the next case be brought before me!” The alicorn stamped a large hoof.
Case 1 End
... I'd ask how no one has not thought of this before, but then again, not everyone has the same level of crazy as you do, Aegis. XD (It's a good crazy, though! Like Pinkie Pie... )
Is it wrong I was expecting it to be more Judge Dread and less Judge Judy?
For some reason when I first read the title, I was expecting a Judge Dredd crossover
But this sounds fun too. *read later*
You were bored, weren't you Aegis?
I like. Should be a fun read when you get them out.
2696653
So was I, actually.
That was fun. I think this story could be some real comedy gold with the rights cases.
Princess Luna is... THE LAW!!!
Luna as the judge? It is ridiculous. Because of crimes in the past Luna is the criminal of planetary scale. I will notice that the imprisonment on the moon wasn't a punishment measure, it was a measure of providing that punishment will be appointed (The selestiya at that time simply couldn't attract sister to justice). And now our dear author issues us the story about the Luna which carries out justice. If the criminal sits on a throne, it is time to bang a gong. It is ridiculous. But this story isn't marked as the comedy.
I kinda expected some Judge Judy esque snarky comments.
I like this story its quite funny and has a fair bit of potential.
Excellent as always.
2696734
Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Has Luna not paid for her crimes? A thousand years on the moon should be more than enough to serve her sentence.
Besides, this likely has absolutely no bearing on his other stories, so one could say that this Luna was possessed and had no control over what Nightmare Moon did.
ANYWAY!
Getting away from the idiot...
Nice. Like some of the others said, I can't believe no-one has thought of anything similar before.
Oh, I can't wait for the next case!
I got nothin.
It's good, but not something I'm interested in. Thumbs up, no track.
2696841
Mm. Luna without effort turns back into Nightmare Moon in one of early series of the second season, and perfectly realizes the actions. Luna is simply criminal and political dissident. She gave herself the report in the actions when headed revolt against her sister under the slogan of "eternal night". She wasn't possesed. She was in her prime.
On conscience this story has to be how the Luna was sentenced to death, and then publicly in the face of local public and foreign diplomats she has been beheaded.
Uh, kind of a nit-pick here, but it should be presiding, not residing. Unless, you know, Luna was holding court in her bedchambers, which is of course, not the case, as it would be ridiculous and probably even seditious to even suggest that the Princess of the Night would hold open court in her bedchambers surrounded by muscley Lunar Stallions, flexing their taut, muscley, coconut oil-covered bodies in the pale moonlight.
...
Incidentally, I might have one or two cases I'd like for Princess Luna to reside over, if she can squeeze me in between the muscley Lunar Stallions. Any of the muscley Lunar Stallions.
2696880
You are aware that the ponies are capable of illusions, right?
There goes your entire argument.
Bases loaded. Aegis Shield up to bat. Pitcher checks the bases. He throws. It's a Screamer of a fast ball coming straight at the plate. Aegis Shield swings. it's a long fly ball down center field. it's going, going, that ball is out of here. Aegis Shield hits another Grand Slam out of the park. The readers are going wild. Lets hope this veteran of the Fimfiction league can keep impressing us with displays like this one.
yeah i know corny way to say another great start to what looks to be a great story but it was the first thing that came to mind after reading so i went with it.
2696914
It wasn't illusion, but full transformation. The matter is that being turned into herself real, Luna held in a mouth sets of false teeth with canines, visual illusion can't influence concrete physical objects, therefore, it there was not an illusion, but full transformation. Moreover you won't find in series of any detailed mention or demonstration of an illusion. Probably, they at all don't know illusions.
Next time, on Judge Luna:
us.cdn2.123rf.com/168nwm/arcady31/arcady311010/arcady31101000004/8101096-cancelled-stamp.jpg
... I don't know how to respond to this, but I smiled at the end.
That's good enough for me to fave and like this
2696880
You realize in that exact same episode, Luna tells Twilight Sparkle that the Elements of Harmony STRIPPED her of the dark magics of Nightmare Moon, right? You're talking about the episode "Luna Eclipsed". Also, the Nightmare Moon Luna later turns into in that episode is a caricature of the original. The original Nightmare Moon did not have a mouthful of razor sharp teeth, and her eyes did not glow white.
It made me squee!
2696993
STRIPPED her of the dark magics of Nightmare Moon...certainly...i too would believe her... yes
Well she had plug-in teeth in this form, and the luminescence from eyes is simply generated.
So will there be Justice Bao parodies ? Apologies if you don't get it
Wow, this certainly looks interesting. Also, I know this is a "Judge Judy" parody, but I still keep thinking "Court Dismissed! Bring in thy Dancing Lobsters!"
Pure gold! I love it! More please
fucking awesome
This was... unique.
tetchi.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/dis-gon-be-good.gif
I'm pretty sure I read a preview to this in your blog. Forgive me if I said I didn't think it was that good; I was dead wrong.
Continue!
And Stalwart makes his first appearance.
Hello
Also, love the story
2697140 LOL, I used to love the Amanda Show! I have to actually check out the fanfic later, but I saw this comment and just had to respond!
2697514
This isn't the Comedy of "Judge Trudy" but it's definetly worth the read
2696880
You are either a troll, a fucking idiot, or both. My money is on both, you fucking stupid troll.
I look forward to more of this. I'm a closet arbitration show addict. I've more or less sworn off of Judge Judy, but I still watch Judge Joe Brown, and my favorite is Judge Alex but they only show him at 2am these days where I live...
You must have at least one case involving ponies doing something stupid under the influence, one involving mares becoming violent over a stallion, and one involving a pit bull. Because the measure of a court show's notoriety is whether or not there's been at least one case involving a pit bull.
Marry me pls.
2697549
You are too angry, relax, my little xenophile, relax. If about a horse on whom you masturbate every Sunday, expressed other categorical opinion, it yet a reason for abuse.
Personally semi-religious idealization of characters of the MLP starts irritating me. Of them made too many icons. And it is undeserved. It is clear that characters of the animated film are lovely is charismatic and... in total. For the rest they are empty. Their characters are developed already long ago by a legion of fans through literature and the fine arts. These characters is settled themself. They need updating, or replacement. My opinion here - attempt to look on the character of Luna from the logical point of view. Besides it is correct in the light of a subject of the current work. It is very bad that many fans even don't try do such thing either. Thereby they doom the favourite characters to not originality and obsolescence.
2697611
You use many words which say nothing. You make incorrect assumptions about the people to whom you speak, and attempt to rile them in laughable ways. You use language incorrectly, and come across as a dullard attempting to look intelligent.
Do us all a favor: unplug your Internet connection and eat your modem.
Aegis. you are the craziest motherfucker ever....
faved.
2697611>>2697623
Alright you two, enough.
Take your argument to PM's. Its not fun for me to get up in the morning and see half my comments are two people arguing over show canon instead of pointing out flaws/nice things/problems with the story at hand. There's forums for this, guys.
2696880
Read:
A THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS.
and Two: Celestia is a bitch. she is literally one of the worst rulers i have ever seen.
2697623
Would he like some hay fries with that?
...
Judge Judy? Really? Geez, what's next, Little House on the Prairie?
Still, you seem to have an okay introduction, and, considering your past works, I feel safe in assuming that this will at least be more interesting than actual episode of Judge of Judy.
Cautiously tracked.
I ask right now before i read: were you watching Judge Judy when you were writing this?
Edit: eeyep, I read this in Judge Judy's voice....
Aegis, your level of insanity is only matched by your writing skill. Keep it up.
Favorited so I can read it later, because I know its good.