Sonic Stealth is a Pegasus stallion who has always had things go wrong in his life. He eventually moves away from everything and everyone so nothing can hurt him anymore. However, what happens when he is forced to have to attempt to rejoin society?
Hey all this is my attempt at a Fanfic following my OC I created Sonic Stealth, not sure how this will turn out, but I hope you guys enjoy it. Also sorry for grammar and possible spelling mistakes in advance, I’m not the best at it and I have no idea on how to find someone to edit for me.
Chapters (1)
Dude, there are groups on this site dedicated to this kind of thing (like this one, for instance). Just seek one of them out (or use the one I linked to) and drop someone a line. I'm sure they'll help you out.
Beyond that, eh, you need a bit more than a spellcheck for this one, buddy. I have no idea who Sonic Stealth is, or why I should care about him. All I know is that he's depressed, and he saved the CMC from a timberwolf. That is not enough to get me invested. What does he do in life? What exactly happened that made him depressed? Why is he walking through the Everfree Forest when there's a perfectly good train station he could be using? You need to answer these questions.
Also, if this was intended to be a comedy, you could've fooled me. Everything here is played rather straight. I mean, the story is about a character who's depressed! How does one exactly make a comedy out of that?!
It's not the worse I've seen, but it does need some major tweaking. You'd better get back to work.
Let me tell you what went wrong in this very first paragraph. Keep in mind this is my personal opinion, but it doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Now the first thing I noticed is the detail in the story being very low. There was also a problem with "The Lazy Pegasus" because a Pegasus who's lazy won't get up with no problem like in this paragraph and find a mirror that appeared in the room next to his. You also didn't seem to take note of how long a lazy Pegasus should get out of bed. You'd think he'd wake up and then fall back to sleep until the sun coming through his window forced him out of his bed.
You also neglected to note the light condition in the room. That means the time of day wasn't stated so the readers can't get an idea of the light condition. If you said the sun was directly over his head when he left the house you'd establish that it was 12:00am before ending the scene. But since it wasn't stated I can only assume three things. One its early morning, two its midday, and three its around 5am when its still dark. Each effects scene and I won't dare say afternoon because no one wakes up at that time (unless they fell asleep at 4am). But the idea of what the lighting conditions can really affect your scene. If the room is dark you can have your character trip over his blanket or bump into objects. This will increase the submersion of your story, giving the reader the idea that you've intended to make the character life like and with flaws.
In a scenario where the sun is glaring in his eyes, you could have him reacting to external stimulant, then you could also make the reader direct their attention to the scene. Speaking of scene. I saw NO scene development in the first scene. I wasn't even sure if the house was a cloud home or a wooden house on the ground. Even without that you could have at least given us an idea of the bedroom. I'm not even sure it was a bedroom to be honest. The main character got up, left the room, and looked at his reflection.
Also I noticed that during the time he started looking at himself it reminded me of how HiE stories do the same thing with the human turned pony. He paused a bit to go over the details of his body. While telling the readers what your character looks like is good, you should always keep in mind that the way to tell them is going to have a significant impact on the story. With the way your character looked at himself made him less believable as a character. As a writer your goal is to tell a story while making your character look like they're in their natural habitat, not doing things specifically so you can explain them to your readers.
I suggest you rewrite that so he brushes his teeth, and while doing so he has to stare at himself through that mirror. With nothing better to do he can observe himself. Alternatively you recite what's staring back at him in 3rd person while the character concentrates on brushing his teeth.
I will say the part where he flies up to get an apple was ok. Although it still seems lacking in detail.
Now I hope my review of your first scene helps you as a writer in the future. I can tell you that you've got problems with submersion. Submersion is what I call the complexity of the story. The more complex and intricate your characters and setting, the more likely your readers will be able to enjoy what you've written rather than get confused about the details of the scene or why your character has bipolar statements and opinions without noticing them.
I wish you the best of luck if you plan on continuing this. OH and I found you when you gave my story a favorite. I was in the middle of writing the next chapter for that story before I took a break and saw your fav. I then noticed you have a story and decided to look over it. Honestly I didn't read the whole chapter but I felt everything I wrote above would help you for any future instances of writing.
Hope you improve.
And don't worry about your writing. You can improve as long as you're willing to experiment with detail. I honestly sucked at it until I tried thinking more deeply about what a story should be written like...
I honestly wrote 3 other stories that are worse than this.
Took two of them down. The third was my first story and I never put it up. 