Cyndir is just your average guy, he likes long days of training, cooking, upgrading his elemental hammer made from dragon parts, and mercenary work, you know the usual! And just like usual, he's got a job to do, not so usual... IT'S FROM THE GODDESS OF THE STINKIN' SUN!!!!!!!! join Cyndir as he goes off to protect 6 mares from Goddesses know what, and maybe finally give Sut the family she deserves.
A/N: Thanks to ladyarcana for the help with my story, IT WOULD NOT BE HALF AS GOOD WITHOUT YOUR HELP!
Chapters (4)
Can you ship all with him that would be vest option.
I honestly didn't think of that...
GO HAREMS
Please tell me if there is anything that I can do to improve the story
Well the first thing you can do is add more chapters... Another OC that has a peticular area in my mind of which it has -without my permission- lodged itself into... But will have to be added later... And changed to a female gender to add a plot twist... Yea and the destruction of Gilda cuz I hate her (possible mental Illness she could suffer from... Like a coma?) I laters private message me your answer... If that's possible, I'm a newbie to this site...
2672249 So you want to know how to improve, huh? Well, I'll try my best.
1. You advertise your main character too much. What I mean by that is that he seems like a typical Gary Stu. a little too perfect. And please, don't tell me that that will all change later, so many authors say that, just to get critics of their backs.
2. Your chapters are way too short. This also brings it's fair share of problems. First, you make it look like your rushing out the story as fast as you can. Never do that, it makes you seem uninterested in what you're doing. Second, we miss a lot on character development. Because it's a story about an OC, we need to know more about him to get interested in him. Making him do cool stuff, like you did in your story, doesn't mean jackshit if he's an bland, predictable brick with human skin.
3.
No, just... just no. That is one of the worst ways to present your character. It's so full of Gary Stu-ness that I want to reach into the story and punch him so many times in the gut, that he pukes.
4. You use "said" a lot. It's a little distracting, you can just let the dialogue end without any words. As long as you imply who said it, you can get away with that.
5. If you want to be taken seriously, don't use things like
or multiple exclamation points. Just keep it straight forward.
And with that, I rest my case. Hope this helped you a little bit.
2672495 GILDA RULES!
I will be doing a mass edit soon... so lay off haters, and love you likers
ouch i can't take anymore i'm sorry i tried
and listen to the guy below/above me depending on how you order yours,... the guy before me
2674580 How is he a gary stu? I tried to give him weaknesses (look at the blog entry my oc 5) and he is immature and short tempered, so what do I need to fix?
Dude. Pacing. Seriously, you've released four chapters, the sum total of which amounts to roughly half a chapter of a decent story. I checked out chapter four and it's maybe 60-70% dialogue, and under 300 words long. It's basically a snippet of people yelling at each other. No. It's so rushed, we can't find the story at all immersive. It's boring, and lacks decent description. That's probably why your story's so short, actually. Nothing is described adequately, such that the reader can't picture the scenes, or the setting.
I think the reason why he's being referred to as a Gary Stu here is because he doesn't fit the MLP setting. At all. He's some kind of weird hybrid of two races never mentioned in MLP, and he has absolutely nothing to do with ponies. He's pretty much a power fantasy, or a way for you as the author to say 'look at how awesome my OC is! He's going to be shipped with all the mares!', regardless of his flaws here. He's not well realised, not well tied in to the setting, and his power level is disproportionate to the setting of MLP. Basically, both the character concept and execution are lacking.
Otherwise, read what DoctorSerious said. He's pretty much spot-on here.
esreality.com/files/placeimages/2012/90198-3694-what-did-i-just-read.jpg
2758703 this is why I put it on Hiatus until i get either a great co-writer, or get a lot better at writing
Dude, that's a really unfortunate name for a little girl. I keep putting an "L" in it.
I've only read the first chapter, but I get the impression you don't understand how mercenaries work.
If a mercenary operated like this they wouldn't get paid shit, because there are very few good guys who need the services of trained killers, and even if you were to find such an individual it's unlikely they would be able to pay for it.
That is ludacris pay for a simple body guard job. Why would Celestia even need to hire a body guard? She has an entire army of highly trained soldiers on her payroll, who would do the job for much cheaper.
She's hiring someone who's not even a citizen to guard such high priority ponies? This would never happen.
Every mercenary in the world would be like "fuck that" at this point. which kinda explains why Celestia would resort to a foreigner for this job, but not why she wouldn't just use her vast army of trained soldiers.
Stupid name.
So that wraps up the prologue. I'll admit im decently interested, but the rushed pace, logical inconsistencies and amateurish portrayal of the princesses and annoying Mary-sue protagonist make this a chore to read.