- Member Since 12th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 18th, 2013
NABronyStudios
2 bronies, simply living our lives from day to day.
NABronyStudios
Joined 12th Feb, 2012 ·
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- protractror · 6.4k words · 34 0 · 2.6k views
- protractror · 7.3k words · 41 3 · 1.7k views
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awwww.
This is really nice. I love it.
Center aligned... curse you phone, and your inability to word wrap center aligned text... I'll read later. :P
This is bitter-sweet to say the least. I honestly couldn't read every last word as it was all jumbled up in a way. But I did get to the point, and you wrote a paragraph where it didn't belong. That and it repeated.
Dash swooped across the room, completely ignoring the yellow pony. She arrived near the two in almost an instant, tagging the colt twice on the back before addressing him “What do you think you’re doing? Can’t you see she wants to be left alone?” Rainbow asked furiously. Several ponies had stopped their discussions for a brief moment in order to see what was now happening.
"But... I..." Fluttershy gulped "I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell you this again. For some time…” Dash didn’t even hear her words. There she is. Wait… Who’s that colt talking to her? He was pretty well-built with a dark purple coat and a cutie mark representing a flipped champagne glass. His black, long and messy mane twisting in disorganized curls inspired a very attractive look. His eyes were of a very dark blue, leading towards a clear sky in the late of night. All this time he just sat next to Pinkie Pie, talking to her. The pink mare would smile and respond to him occasionally.
Dash swooped across the room, completely ignoring the yellow pony. She arrived near the two in almost an instant, tagging the colt twice on the back before addressing him “What do you think you’re doing? Can’t you see she wants to be left alone?” Rainbow asked furiously. Several ponies had stopped their discussions for a brief moment in order to see what was now happening.
The first paragraph like that does not belong there. At all. It would do you well to edit that out.
Other than that major mishap, I enjoyed the story. Good job and good luck in your future endeavors.
Adieu~
waaaaay to long chapter >_<
I THINK I GET THE TITLE!!!!
1 - 2
One Dash Too many?
ICY WHAT YOU DID THERE!!!
573708
Thanks for the feedback. I was in a bit of hurry while doing edits and that seemes to have slipped away. Sorry, I guess,will get it edited as soon as I can
As for the rest, this is our first story. We did mess up quite a bit. Apparently high word count in a chapter is ilegal and tiggers a "tl;dr" like response. I must say I appreciate your patience for putting up with our writing and reading it all the way through.
573760
I didn't know size matters around here. I was expecting more constructive feedback on the story, rather than its word count... Seems I would be asking too much from some people.
574860
Meh... Yes, If only me and my friend would have the time to finish the story, the title would actually make sense.
573269
Right... Thanks for the feedback :D
Poor Fluttershy! It'd be weird if they had a threesome. Lawl
What I would say has pretty much already been said - centre alignment needs to be fixed, there's an incorrectly placed clone of a paragraph, and the massive word count in one chapter is a bit off a put-off; I would not be surprised to find people decided against reading due to it, and, considering the way FIMFiction works and the fact you can't place bookmarks on webpages like you can in books, those who do choose to read it have to wait to have a completely free hour or two in which to read it.
The length was actually pretty useful for me personally - gave me something to do during most of my large amount of free time at work today - but I doubt the same was true for others. You may want to think about spreading it over at least a couple of chapters when you come to editing it.
The criticisms aside, this was an interesting read, and I look forward to seeing how it's going to continue. Will it be conflict, or polygamy? Or neither? I look forward to seeing the answer.
581520
Fixed. Thank you for pointing that out again. I almost forgot about it. Leaving that aside, I may consider putting them in shorter chapters so that someone can read it when in lack of time. Thanks for explaining that to me.
Also, thanks for the constructive feedback. The initial thing was supposed to be something in between. But it was going to be more complicated than that. Me and my friend may not be able to continue it, due to several other stuff we're writing. That's disappointing, but writing this lost its fun due to over planning. that's why we practically shoved it into hiatus.
Also, this is something we will keep in mind for our future projects.
Cool! And Sad