If you space out your conversations like this more the speaking part would be more dicernable and easy to read.
Also try to detail the scenery and cherector expressions more. If you don't describe stuff they don't have depth in their emotions of fear, hate, etc. Here is an example:
Luna stared back at the creature with wide eyes, a look of fear plastered across her face.
If you use these illiteration techniques as well as describe the scenery more than this would be very good to read.
Last piece of advice would be try to slow down the progress of events. I think for this total word count there is too much going on. It seems rushed. It may be just me but the crypt scene alone should have been 2K words minimum.
Thanks for listening, and love your story! ~Cirrus Brony
good story so far . some oc names that are mine and my buddys are (you have permission to use) -dark armor -boulder dash -flaming arrow -soft kitty -flash frezze -juggernaut (pweaz dont kill off luna she is bestest princess)thanks
hmmmmm, intriguing...
quite so
Oh jizz this is going to be good
Luna is alive?![:twilightoops:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightoops.png)
What body did they burry???
2591772they didn't bury her she was placed in a crypt they don't bury bodies in a crypt
She's alive, but she's... Broken... This will be interesting...![:coolphoto:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/coolphoto.png)
Awesome!
Do Continue. I have some advice for you:
Try to space your conversations out like this:
"Blah blah blah." Said #1
"Blahblahblah blah?" Said #2
If you space out your conversations like this more the speaking part would be more dicernable and easy to read.
Also try to detail the scenery and cherector expressions more. If you don't describe stuff they don't have depth in their emotions of fear, hate, etc. Here is an example:
Luna stared back at the creature with wide eyes, a look of fear plastered across her face.
If you use these illiteration techniques as well as describe the scenery more than this would be very good to read.
Last piece of advice would be try to slow down the progress of events. I think for this total word count there is too much going on. It seems rushed. It may be just me but the crypt scene alone should have been 2K words minimum.
Thanks for listening, and love your story!![:twilightsmile:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png)
~Cirrus Brony
good story so far
. some oc names that are mine and my buddys are (you have permission to use)![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
![:moustache:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/moustache.png)
-dark armor
-boulder dash
-flaming arrow
-soft kitty
-flash frezze
-juggernaut
(pweaz dont kill off luna she is bestest princess)thanks