A Guardsman in Equestria

by Guardsman_Sparky

Bent Out of Shape

Alexander woke up as the sun began to rise. He sat up yawning, going over the events of the previous night. He had been sent back to Ponyville on a flying wagon. God-Emperor, had he really screamed like a girl the whole time? His hands were still sore from holding onto the carriage with a death grip. He was really glad they were taking the train to Canterlot for the award ceremony being held in their honor later that week.

After landing, he had been dragged to another one of Pinkie Pie's parties at the library, a 'We Defeated Discord' party apparently. Fortunately, he had had the good sense to stop at only half a barrel of hard apple cider this time. Exhausted, he had gone to Twilight's guest room, barely managing to remove his armor and strip down to his boxers and undershirt before collapsing on the bed.

Stretching, Alexander stood and stumbled groggily into the guest bathroom. He turned on the lights and looked in the mirror.

"YEEAAGH!"

Awoken by the bloodcurdling scream, Twilight came rushing into the room as fast as she could. "Alexander! Are you al-"

Alexander was livid. "Why in the name of the Emperor's brass balls am I a girl?!" Indeed, Alexander was female. His...erm...her body was more curvy, her hips were wider, and her hair, grown to shoulder length, now hung in her face.

Twilight just gaped at the now female human before understanding washed over her. "Alexander, while you were in the Everfree, did you happen to come into contact with a vine that had blue leaves?"

Alexander frowned. "Um...possibly." Her expression grew worried. "Is that bad?"

"No, it just means you came into contact with poison joke. It's a magical weed that grows in the Everfree Forest that plays magical pranks on its victims."

"Yer kidding?"

"'Fraid not."

Spike came barreling into the guest room. "Twilight! What's going on?" The baby dragon came screeching to a halt. "What the heck happened to Alexander?"

"He got turned into a girl by some poison joke."

Spike toppled over laughing. "A girl! Wahahahaha! We're gonna have to call you Alexandra now! Hahahahaha!"

Alexander glared daggers at the giggling dragon. "If you want to join me, you'll keep laughing," she threatened, icy voice dripping menace. To his credit, Spike managed to hold in his laughter until he was out of the room. Alexander turned back to Twilight. "So what do I do? Is there a cure, or am I stuck like this forever?"

Twilight smiled. "Don't worry, Alexander. There's a simple remedy for poison joke. We just need to head to the spa."

"The spa?"

"Yep. The remedy for poison joke needs to be bathed in for it to work, and the spa ponies got the recipe for the treatment bath the last time somepony got poison joke."

"Great. Just let me get dressed and--phwuah!" Alexander grimaced when she got a whiff of her clothes. "Emperor, these smell terrible."

Alexander' started in surprise as her clothes floated towards Twilight in a purple haze. "Here, I know a clean laundry spell that should do the trick." There was a flash of purple, and Alexander's clothes were floated back to her.

"Um, thanks." Alexander took her clothes and bent over to put on her pants, but her hair got in her face and mouth. "Ack, phppbt!" Spitting out her hair, Alexander picked up her backpack. "I hope there's something here I can tie my hair back with." Did I really just say that? She opened up the backpack and looked inside as a mass of chitin sprung at her face.

"EEEEEeeek! Getitoffgetitoff!" The squirming mass was yanked off of Alexander's face by a magenta aura. Alexander grasped her chest over her heart, then looked down at her chest with a scowl. "Of course I'd be flat-chested." She looked back up at the object held by Twilight's magic with a glare. Twilight looked at Alexander in confusion.

"What is that thing?"

"That is a carnifex. Or, at least it was until Discord shrunk it and blunted its claws."

"Aw, it's kinda cute."

Alexander just stared at the lavender unicorn. "It's not cute! That thing is a killing machine!"

Twilight giggled. "You really think this thing is dangerous?" She saw the look an Alexander's face. Twilight sighed. "Fine, we'll take it to Fluttershy once we've gotten you back to normal."

"We're taking it to Fluttershy? The mare that hides from her own shadow? No, this thing needs to be destroyed!"

Twilight glared at Alexander. "We are not destroying it." Her tone brooked no argument. "And Fluttershy is very good with animals."

Alexander locked eyes with Twilight for several minutes before throwing up her hands. "Fine! But don't come crying to me when it tries to kill us all!"

Half an hour later, Alexander stood in her armor next to Twilight outside the spa, the miniature carnifex in a cat carrier Twilight had summoned from somewhere. Alexander turned her head as a blue multi-chromatic streak landed nearby.

"Hey, Twilight! What's up?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

"Oh, hey Dash," Twilight replied. "We're just waiting for the spa to open."

"Really? Why?" Rainbow Dash turned to look at Alexander. She looked closer. "What's wrong with Alex?" Alexander grumbled something from behind the helmet's respirator. Rainbow Dash looked to Twilight.

Twilight sighed. "Alexander came into contact with some poison joke yesterday. It...turned him into a girl." Dash just stared at Twilight and Alexander for a moment, before toppling over onto her back, laughing uproariously.

Alexander grumbled at the laughing pegasus. "Yeah, just laugh it up, why don't you." She glared at Dash. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Mmm...nope!"

Alexander sighed. Thank the emperor that her torture at the...feelers?...of the poison joke was almost over. The spa ponies Aloe and Lotus opened the doors and invited Alexander, Twilight and Dash inside.

Alexander held the carrier containing the mini-carnifex at arm's length as he followed Twilight towards the small cottage by the edge of the Everfree Forest. He was ecstatic that he was his proper gender again, but he wanted nothing to do with the slavering ball of terror dangling in the cage he held. As a yellow pegasus fluttered towards them, Alexander whispered to Twilight.

"You sure about this?"

Twilight nodded. "Yes. If anypony can passify this creature, Fluttershy can."

Alexander sighed, frowning as Twilight went to talk with the shy pony. He studied the timid pegasus. He noticed that her...cutie mark, bleah...consisted of three pink butterflies. It made sense that she'd have butterflies on her rump considering how shy and nervous she seemed. Still, for her sake, he hoped Fluttershy was as good with animals as Twilight claimed.

Fluttershy flittered over to him. "Um, If it's not too much too ask...could you...um..please put it over in that enclosure? Please?" Alexander nodded, glad that he had left his helmet off, thinking that talking to a faceless creature might have been too much for the timid pony. He placed the cage in the enclosure as Fluttershy sat at the other end. "Could you..open it please? I mean.. if it's not to much to ask."

Alexander carefully reached over the short fence and unlocked the door of the carrier. The carnifex immediately charged straight for Fluttershy. Alexander was about to jump in and intervene when the yellow pegasus spoke. "Stop."

To Alexander's shock, the carnifex halted a foot away from Fluttershy. He goggled at the spectacle in front of him as his jaw hit the ground. Fluttershy was talking to the carnifex, and even more astounding, it was listening! Alexander practically blew a fuse when the carnifex started chattering back.

He looked at Twilight. "How..?"

Twilight giggled. "Nopony knows animals like Fluttershy does."

Alexander rubbed his face. He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose in befuddlement. He opened his eyes to find that the carnifex had returned, staring up at him from between his feet. He froze in shock as the carnifex sprang up onto his head and curled up. A soft snore emitted from its mouth. Alexander stared at Fluttershy, eye twitching.

Fluttershy smiled at him. "She likes you."

"She?" Alexander's eye began twitching more noticeably. "How do you know it's a she?"

"I just know these things."

Alexander gently placed the snoozing carnifex into his backpack, really preferring it to be asleep. He rubbed his temples, overwhelmed by the revelation that one of the most terrifying creatures he had ever come across had been pacified by a pony. A pony! "I am so very, very tired." His stomach rumbled. "And hungry."

Twilight smiled. "Well, we did miss breakfast. C'mon, I know a great place to eat."

Comments

[Greatmane]

Heresy! he needs to introduce that Mini-fex to the business end of a Chainsword.

Partly for the Irony of a Guardsmen killing a Carnifex in close combat, partly because it's *the* bad xenos.

Could've been worse, I guess. Could've been a mini-Genestealer. :O "Oh Emperor, it's tiny claws are rending my Ceramite Armor!"

[the_marked_one]

the yellow pegasus spoke. "Stop."
To Alexander's shock, the carnifex halted a foot away from Fluttershy.

She is part of the hive mind!

[Liqwidice]

2632260
Are you kidding? Fluttershy is queen of the hive mind.

[More_Dakka]

Since when are guardsmen named Steve? All humans in WH40k have Latin or ancient European names, (so, I Latin, I guess) like "Cpl. Antioch". While on this, since when do guardsmen care about each other? All they do is die standing, it's all they know. A dead guardsmen would probably just be cynical, or beaming with zeal.

[Vediccio]

2632429 Fluttershy IS the hive mind!

[FenrisianBrony]

2635712
General Lucas Alexander? I'm sure that somewhere in a million million worlds with billions of humans on each, there will be a parent who decided to name there child steve.

[DarthMalentai]

Now I want a mini carnifex as a pet. maybe some hormagaunts as well.

[PrincessLunaTheGamer]

2651933 It's a timeless and universal name. At least one person in the universe is named Steve.

[Therandompony]

Twilight nodded. "Yes. If anypony can passify this creature, Fluttershy can."

Good one, now tell me the one about the friendly bloodletter!
Oh well ,I'm off to read the rest of this chapter and burn heretics... and we're fresh outta heretics.
In all honesty I'll stop now.

[Guner]

Minifex for the win

[grim dash]

Alexander gently placed the snoozing carnifex into his backpack, really preferring it to be asleep. He rubbed his temples, overwhelmed by the revelation that one of the most terrifying creatures he had ever come across had been pacified by a pony. A pony! "I am so very, very tired." His stomach rumbled. "And hungry."

waaaaaa