'This is thought'
"This is speech"
Chapter 1
"Travel Agent"
Year 2432 the human race no longer existed. Only left is its cross-breeding with many species. Earth was its old name now new name was now called "Atlantis", it was a trading center for all species through all all galaxy. Many different types of life lived on Atlantis. Mars was no longer red, instead a green planet with its agriculture and its live stock, its name "Gaia” . Jupiter became the solar system's military compound, it still held its name considering all the planets had a different name. The other planets where inhabitable due to its wars their place was outpost stations.
“Venus: Heart fire”
“Saturn: Frosty Wings”
“Pluto: Harmony's point”
Sadly there wasn't much males around due to the chaos war. Rulers then allowed polygamy. The cross-breeds humans was hardly human but instead was mostly were-wolf looking just without much fur but soon human blood line faded. The solar system is called "Marker One."
The solar system is ruled by two fearless sisters. The younger was named Luna, renowned for her dark and mysterious beauty to mirror her enigmatic moon. The elder sister was called Celestia for her radiant beauty, a parallel to her brilliant sun. They appeared to be human, but something about them seemed bestial. Not less than human, nor more so; they were simply different. Their elder brother, Discord, had ruled before them, nearly destroying the universe in his chaotic reign. For five years he ruled, wreaking chaos upon all before him, until his sisters were finally able to stop him. However, his downfall was not his death. Instead, he was sealed in a place unknown. His lingering spirit refused to accept this fate quietly, and swore revenge on the sisters. For thirty two years since the day of Discord's defeat, there has been peace.
Little did they know they was about to get an unexpected traveler.
Midnight in the castle
"Luna where are you!? We have a party coming up! LUNA!" Celestia yelling in search for Luna in the castle.
Celestia and Luna party on planet "Gaia" they stayed in there castle for the party coming up to congratulate there 32 years of peace. They picked Gaia for their home for how nice it is even though they had a castle on each of the planets.
"Luna you better come out or I WILL SET SOMETHING ON FIRE!" Celestia yelled.
Luna went missing each year every time they held a party to celebrate they victory of the war. But this time Celestia wanted her sister to be with her. She couldn't stand being alone any longer and being surrounded by so many snobs.
Celestia able to control fire and light at will and her power alone could destroy a worlds that will burn to ever lasting. And her sister Luna being able to control darkness and air itself could engulf worlds with nightmares or dreams of hope, the sisters where the balance of all to see to keep in control of the circle. They alone ruled the universe.
*THUMP* *CRASH* Celestia ears perked as she heard the noise come from Luna's room.
"I finally got you now little sister." Celestia got to Luna's room to hear things moving around. It was not like her sister to be so noisy as a pup, she leaned in on the door to listen on what was going on inside.
"Ow! why is it so dark in here, Nana give me light would you." Solar felt a shock down her shine. As she heard it was a male, a very soothing voice he has.
'By the laws! Luna had a male to herself this whole time. AND SHE NEVER ONCE Shared with me. I'm gonna have give a piece of my mind.'
Celestia thought to herself and continued to listen to what the male was doing in Luna's room.
"Master Jean your power is at 15% and can cannot make the next jump. You have to wait a month until you'll have enough to make the jump." A female voice spoke. "Okay then...wait a month!" The male voice said in a loud whisper. "Yes, master a full month is required to make the next jump...master there is someone at the door."
Celestia Blasted the door with her right hoove without delay today was just one of those days she wasn't going to have any of it and well just...take what she wants.
"Where are you~" Celestia saw the room was empty but she could sense something was still here. Celestia then held a ball of light in her hooves and started to burn the room. She smiled
"I know your here and if you're not gonna come out then I'll smoke you out!" Celestia flames where not lethal to anyone but enough to heat up the whole room like the sun.
Suddenly a loud noise of static and the male fell to the ground right of her by the window. "What the heck!." Celestia said as she watched the figured move.
Jeans POV
"What the heck!" the female at the door called. She was bright...to bright...wait.
*Cough*
*Cough*
'She's gonna kill me!' I yelled in my mind trying to think clearly after being blinded by the flames they god damn bright. GOD DAMN BRIGHT!
I pulled my right arm out to see my cloak was overheating. I quickly turned it off before it burned my suit. I turned to the right to see a window right next to me barely seeing anything. 'My chance.' I quickly jumped out to see how far the drop was..."great..."
It was night-time and the ground was about 50 stories from the ground by the looks of it and picking up speed really really fast!!
“CRAP!” I yelled still kinda blinded.
"I got you!" I turn my head to see the crazy person who just almost burned me to death trying to grab me.
“AHH HELL NOO!! Nana I need power now!" I Spun around staring at crazy women it was dark and my vision was starting to focus.
My suit was a AS-141 model I invented that was able to get out of any sticky situation in this case a fricken crazy women trying to burn him...'EEP' She was gaining speed on ME...
“Suit power is online master-” CRAZY GIRL WAS GOING TO GRAB ME...OMG THOSE EYES!!
"DOORWAY!" Jean yelled and the teleported before mere seconds of hitting the ground.
I open my eyes in relief back I was back in this dark room
Celestia POV
"WHAT!" I slammed into the ground making a carter in the training grounds as the man disappeared in thin air.
“Huh WAIT....what!?”
I got up and began to think of what he looked like, it was hard to make out of what he really looked like. It was dark and by the laws he was hard to see in the night. 'I mean how did he teleport that doesn't make sense. Only unicorn's can do that...”DOORWARY!”...How can that...'
Something hit me in the head and I began to think again to make sure I was right, but I noticed he had no tail or ears just a black suit...maybe it could be hidden in that suit of his he must be a male unicorn and his face what the heck was that blur with static as she thought that it was wrong to see distorted and different. But noticed he had on a visor but I could see his mouth it was...it hit me again...No that can't be right...
“Must be something else. It can't be.”
Okay, so I noticed you asked for someone to comment without just thumbing you down... Hoo, boy... This is gonna hurt...
I'll be completely honest, this was painful to read. You made unbelievable amounts of spelling and grammatical errors, the descriptions you have are pretty bland, and occasionally I can't even tell who it is who's speaking. Watch me attempt to turn one of your paragraphs into something readable.
The solar system was ruled by two fearless sisters. (Period. Stop.)
The younger was named Luna, renowned for her dark and mysterious beauty to mirror her enigmatic moon.
The elder sister was called Celestia for her radiant beauty, a parallel to her brilliant sun. (I would just leave the entire sun/moon being in their eyes out. It sounds weird, and doesn't do much to describe them.)
They appeared to be human, but something about them seemed bestial. Not less than human, nor more so; they were simply different. (Flowery prose... Whee! But in all seriousness, "purely beast inside" makes them sound like monsters, not princesses.)
Their elder brother, Discord, had ruled before them, nearly destroying the universe in his chaotic reign. For five years he ruled, wreaking chaos upon all before him, until his sisters were finally able to stop him. (Not including anything about the year because my own flowery prose doesn't do well with dates...) However, his downfall was not his death. Instead, he was sealed in a place unknown. His lingering spirit refused to accept this fate quietly, and swore revenge on the sisters.
For thirty two years since the day of Discord's defeat, there has been peace. ("Crime-free" doesn't really mean all that much in context... It's fine to leave it.)
And then the characters start talking.
You build the Princesses up to be beautiful, but you don't do much beyond that. When 'Tia speaks, she sounds like a whiny child throwing a tantrum. Yelling has its place, but that place is most certainly not here. When the Solar Princess loses her temper, it should not be over something as trivial as what you portray.
You look like you could have a good bit of world-building buried under your mountain of spelling and grammar travesties. Get this into MS Word for grammar and spelling check before you port it to GDocs and eventually here.
...Then again, half your world-building sounds like horrid cliches. Seriously, "Akatsuki?" Why has the Earth suddenly become a Red Moon? If you're just calling it Akatsuki because of Naruto, I don't see any reason I should even continue this...
Also, stay consistent.
There are probably a thousand other things I could say about this, but I think that's enough constructive criticism for tonight.
2540147 No I really like how you pointed out my flaws and other things. I really did need someone to point out things because i know there are errors but i have no idea how to handle them. I have to thank you really. I don't mind the criticism because really i'm trying to better myself but can't because there is no one to comment about my mistake. I thank you again and i will make the changes needed. I know the names are...hahaha...different but at the time i have no idea what to call them so i just wrote what was cool. Any who I know the mistakes and thank you for your comment and criticism it means lot.
Mahalo
I read all 3 chapters of yours, and I have to say, the other two were a little better than your first. You have an interesting concept going on, but I can't stress enough on many fics, THAT PROPER GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, AND SPELLING IS REQUIRED D:
Also, your pacing is a little off. I'm not quite sure what it means. People have told me that when I first started writing. But I feel it speeds way too fast, like a bullet train catching up with time. Punctuation might help slow it down. A comma, period or even an ellipse may alleviate this issue, especially when you read it over out loud and pause for a second. That's when you usually add some sort of punctuation.
Also, characterization of Celestia quite... troll. I wouldn't say unbelievable, as this is in an alternate universe, but I imagined Pinkeama fused with Celestia. Princess on the verge on insanity. Also, the entire thing was grammatically inconsistent. You switched from present to past a couple of times. Having it read over by someone else, or even yourself, before you upload it, may help with this problem.
Also, double exclamation marks are unnecessary!! It looks unprofessional, so to say, so try reducing it to one. Also, save all caps as a last resort for momentum build up. What I'm trying to say is something like this:
EXAMPLE
"No... No!... NO!" She yelled at her with increasing fury.
For your story, some of the "WHAT?!" can be replaced simply with "What the *uck?!" Makes it more believable, and if you don't feel like using the f-word, use buck instead. For example, in your story:
"WHAT!" I slammed into the ground making a carter in the training grounds as the man disappeared in thin air.
^ could be replaced something like
"What the f-" I yelled, slamming into ground and making a cater in the training grounds as the man vanished.
P.s. sometimes, a wider vocabulary helps. Remember, quality over quantity. If you can replace "ate with immense speed" with "ate quickly", or even "gobbled" or "chomped down" or "devoured" (yeah, devoured sounds the best in this case), it is often better. As I read somewhere, emphasise and describe the more important parts of your story. If the chase from Point A to B had been important, describe it, narrate it. If not, just simply state "x chased y all across Point A to B."
And as I'm back on narration, your first chapter lacked it. Second and third had a little, which helped me imagine your world a little. The first one was just too... cluttered.
I wish you all the best in your story, and I delivered what I promised. Sill, I was expecting a like 0-10 on your story and no comments based on what you said, but I have to admit, I'm jealous of your likes and view counts. How in the world...