The day seemed normal to Kyle, he had been to school and had a small war with his friends, just for fun of course. But on his way home something happens that might just change his life, or end it.
This is my first fic so help would be appreciated, I think it's the dialog that might need the most help.
Anyway I wanted to write a story where a human comes to Equestria with his reactions.
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Just like every other user on the site?
You said you wanted help on the dialogue. Well, it wasn't bad (I've seen FAR worse on this site), but here's the single biggest piece of advice on dialogue I can give:
Read what your characters say aloud. If you are a slow reader, even though you wrote it yourself, read it several times. If it sounds like natural dialogue, and like something that character would say, you got it. Otherwise, it can often come off stilted, or out of character. In that case, rewrite the line until it sounds natural.
Could've been better.
2504398 Thanks, I'll keep it in mind. Also do you think the ponies are in character?
2503806 Well yeah, I'm a sucker for HiE stories. It is kind of an experiment but I see your point. How was the writing? That is what I'm most interested about.
2504530 Any problems with the writing or is it the story? If it is the story I kinda expected that, as I only had a concept for the meeting.
Random Comment
2504609 Random comments are best comments.
But seriously what did you think?
2504635
It was cool.
You know, story wise.
I like how the manticore seemingly killed Kyle instead of him actually getting away.
Rainbow Dash had the most knowledge on the gun since she knew it had to be "shot".
And, is Kyle a brony? I think he isn't, because he doesn't have a lot of recognition on the ponies.
2504680 Thanks
No he is not a brony, I'm not even sure if MLP exist where he is from, but it doesn't matter.
Rainbows knowledge of guns would probably come from Pinkies party cannon since it shoots confetti, you know with them being such good buddies. Am I just grasping at straws or does that make sense?
Scribblestick the Chill here with some friendly advice.
-You have several run-on sentences. Each sentence should contain one, and only one, complete thought unless it uses conjunctions (and, or, but, etc.) For example:
This one has as many as four ideas, though some could arguably be combined for style. Look out for this kind of thing, since readers can easily get lost in run-ons.
-Dialogue. Someone already mentioned how to make it sound natural, so I'll focus on formatting.
When a line of dialogue is followed by attribution (tells us who said it), the quotation ends with a comma. If the attribution comes in the middle of a spoken line, it also ends with a comma. In both cases, the next word is not capitalized.
Also, the second sentence is in complete and should read: "He pointed toward the two others..."
-You overuse the word 'said,' which is kind of an accomplishment. Vary it up, especially when the dialogue is a question (e.g. asked, replied, demanded, etc.)
-You have some verb tense and agreement issues. Also some typos. Check out one of the editing groups for help.
Overall, not the worst HiE I've seen, though I think that's mostly because it's too short to fall into any of the major pitfalls.
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
2505062
Ok.
That makes a lot more sense.
Honestly speaking, I have no idea how the rating is the way it is (I mean seriously; one "like" to eight "dislike"s?), as I have seen FAR FAR worse on this site... and I have only been online for, what, three weeks?
Please keep in mind that the following critique is only about the actual plot - grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes were present, so do remember to re-check everything before submitting. Finally, keep in mind that I am a very perfectionist person, thus I tend not to mention much (if at all) about the good things that people do with their stories, so forgive me if I sound overly blunt or rude.
The first problem with this story is that it started with a rather strange scene (gunfights and kids... right, now THAT sounds normal) which you didn't fully explain (Kyle's teammates left him without even saying goodbye and he is not the least bit sad - unless of course his "teammates" were imaginary). This confusion could have been amended if you provided some sort of backstory to him... perhaps dropping hints that he does this regularly with his friends? perhaps he is a fan of some war game that he and his friends re-enact? IDK, it just could have been more detailed. Also, you COMPLETELY disregarded the background characters... try not to do this, as they add so much to the story (think about it: without background characters, a story sounds like a monologue or dialogue - there is no "realness").
Moreover, the fact that he visits Equestria without anything tangible happening seems rather... convenient... (and I mean that in the worst way possible).
Then he was in the world, and the whole situation can only be described as WTF?! The fact that so many things are happening at the same time is really not good. The fact that you blended Kyle's thoughts with his actions only heighten the fact that it just... didn't cut it. In fact, the entire last paragraph felt really rushed and very last-minute. Even IF this is an experiment (and perhaps BECAUSE this is an experiment), you need to try your best.
The last problem I have is the fact that the ponies knew what the word "slug" meant in this context.
2505487 Lots of help, thanks so much.
What would the pitfalls be so that I know what to avoid?
2505767 Thanks for your help
The beginning is pretty much a soft-air gun battle and he does it a lot with his friends. I guess it couldn't hurt to clear it up a bit. His teammates probably does that a lot so he's used to it. I picture that all of these people are varying degrees of best friends so it isn't a big deal if they just left. Best friends can get away with mush more than regular friends can.
The entire story could definitively have been more detailed and at a time I was planning to bring the other two 'hostiles' into the conversation but couldn't figure out what they would bring to the story. However I kinda wanted to get it out, perhaps it was a bad decision on my part but at least I get all this wonderful feedback.
As for his appearance in Eqestria, I just wanted a quick transition. Perhaps I should throw in a few theories how it happened from Kyles point of view.
Do you have any tips on how I should write his thoughts? perhaps as regular dialogue but with some distinction? The ending is admittedly very rushed but I had been writing for I while and just wanted the story to end.
The ponies would probably have imagined a metal version of their slugs if they weren't terrified, I even had an idea of twilight creating metal slugs to make a real gun after everything had calmed down.
ERM...
What is this I can't even
2506374
Most of them apply to any original character, at least the ones I remember. It's been a while since I read terrible HiE, so I'll do my best.
-Character instantly becomes best friends or the love interest of some other character, especially the mane six.
-Character is overpowered. Often accompanied with being an alicorn or being red-maned and black-coated.
-Character can get away with murder without fitting consequences, legally or socially.
-Character is bland and underdeveloped.
-Character gets everything he/she wants with little or no trouble.
-Character is exactly the same as 95% of all other human/original characters.
-Not as common, but character adds nothing to the story (for example, the author inserts an extra character into the events of "A Canterlot Wedding" that does absolutely nothing and makes no difference whatsoever).
Those are all the ones I can think of right now. Hope it helps!
2506374
The way to write thoughts is to either put them in italics, or put a "he thought" after them.
Dialogue was not bad, although the way in which they speak ("he yelled, he whimpered") could have been more detailed.
Glad to help, and I am happy you took this the right way!
what? this is unfinished. What are you, EA?
but for real please make a sequel
followin'
2510568
Thanks for your kind words and your fave and your follow. It means a lot to me.
It's not really unfinished but I left an option to make a sequel.The problem is that I don't really have a plot for it, just a few things I want to do. Do you have any ideas for the plot as a whole?
2504596 Not trying to be an asshole, but the ending was a little… anti-climactic. Other than that it was nice. It's your first story. Mine didn't do so hot either. =D
2554968
Yeah I rushed the ending and especially the last paragraph. I didn't know where the story would go so I just ended it.
2555180 I some times rush mid-story so I could get to the more exciting parts, but that's about it. But like I said, I don't think anyone had a really successful first story. You'll get it next time. =D