Octavia is about to preform for the first time but Blueblood doesn't seem to think she's worth the time of day, to bad only one pony is willing to stand up for her, a filly by the name of Vinyl Scratch.
Chapters (5)
Crimson Ink
Joined 27th Apr, 2013 ·
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That description. (*shudder*)
You're giving away too much of the plot and I do need to ask if "preforming" is anything at all like "performing"?
intresting
whats next
2503500 dude its his story he does what he wants
Hmmmm... Good story, but fix your grammar
.
2504245
And I'm just saying that if he shouldn't reveal so much of the plot up front. The description should be a teaser telling the reader what it's about without telling them all the plot points.
As such a lot of people won't even bother reading this. There's no point if you know what's going to happen from the get go. Also the spelling and rambling nature of the description will turn people off. If that's an example of the writer's skill then there's a good chance that the rest of the story will be the same.
All useful feedback (or protecting?) it all helps in the end.
2504213 What's next? Well currently a new story that is going to be different, especially in writing style.
For those who care this is going to be changed to "On Heiatis" until after I finish with the rewrite on the remaining chapters (something I should have done before posting it.) Sorry for the inconvenience it might cause (still have no clue what it will do.)
2506298 dont u use logic on me just do use a favor and stop reprminding people !!!!!
2526792
Make me.
2526874
I'VE HAD A HOORRIBLE WEEK OK SO JUST SHUT UP!!!!
2526991
How's that my fault? If you've had such a horrible week maybe you ought to be the one to shut up. And I'm not going anywhere. Your sweet sweet anger is absolutely delicious.
2527039 AND MY MOM JUST DIED SO IM TENSE BUT YOUR RUBBIN SALT AND LEMON JUCIE INTO THE WOUND
2527077
And how is any of that my fault? What have I done to you to warrant this? I'm just responding to your comments and never once have I called you a name or said anything remotely nasty to you and yet this is the way you act.
2527098 Your sweet sweet anger is absolutely delicious.THAT'S HOW U JERK!!!!
2527144
Then how does that explain:
and
I hadn't mentioned anything about anger prior to that. Seems to me that you're bringing all this down on yourself.
2527178YOU KEEP ON USIN LOGIC ON NME THAT S HOW
2528137
How is using logic and reason on you bad unless you're coming from a place of pure emotion and my pointing these things out to you make you realise that you're an idiot but you can't accept it so you lash out instead?
Again, how is that my problem? You keep missing this point so I'll continue to come back on it until you give me a better answer than, "you keep using logic".
2529891 YOU KNOW WHAT UR CYBERBULLING!! AND ASLO IM IN THE GIFTED CLASS
2530435
How am I cyberbullying? I'm not picking on you or saying nasty things about you. You're the one that keeps responding to what I'm saying.
And if you're "gifted" you should be using logic yourself. C'mon. Use that "gifted" mind of yours to good use.
Well the rewrite is done
glad it's over and I'm not panicking myself about people reading it before it was done (which still happened but still.) Anyway hope you guys enjoy.
2538849
The description is much better. Congratulations. Only one nitpick, beyond the run on sentence is using "to" instead of "too".
To indicates a direction or moving towards something. Too indicates something much or as well.
2540499
Thanks, I figure most of the complaints I will get on stories is grammer related. That's good because it will only help me out.
2546913
Honestly I find there's a lot more wrong with this than just your grammar and spelling. That however should not stop you from doing this if it's what you want to do. Artists create art because it's something inside of them that is demanding to be released. If you're discouraged because of the negative reviews and thumbs down then you're only seeing half the picture. People always focus on the negative aspects and you need to address these if you want to be taken seriously. If this is nothing more than just goofing off for you, then please continue as you have and ignore what it is I say next.
Your chapters are too short which means things move too quickly. Your last chapter is only 222 words. A simple fix to this is to combine chapters which solves the problem of too little words but doesn't fix the issue of story flow.
All in all it's very much a "this happened. Then this happened. Then this happened next" kind of story. It feels disjointed and there's no real rhyme or reason why the characters do what they do. Or why certain situations are introduced. Like Vinyl's sudden loss of vision. Blueblood hits her, somehow this messes with her eyesight and she goes "blind" but this plot point leads nowhere. I'd say the only reason it was added was for Octavia to have a reason to care for Vinyl and possibly to introduce Pinkie Pie.
In the end it's not horribly written, but it could definitely do with an editor or at the very least a proofreader.
2547165
This story... this was me in a bad mood and needing to calm down. Normally I would have planed out an entire plot, I don't know if I really want to go back to work on this one at all besides maybe making it into a comic on my deviantart. I agree on the this then this happened style and I only really shared this one because it's an extremely lose tie into Things Are Alive which in my mind while still being a this happened then this style is toned down a lot.
It's just a random blurb I'm sure I've shared somewhere on this site is that I'm a play writer over a novel writer with the closest to novels on a common basis being comic books.