Science has finally progressed far enough that traveling to another star system no longer requires massive star ships and voyages months long. Lyndon Eliwood Tailor is the first human to teleport to his new home and new job on Boreas. Due to how the teleportation is conducted however an intense storm over the Everfree redirects the rematerialization. His new home isn't a geological research station and his new job isn't exploring and recording caves alongside the life that resides within them. His luck gets him planted on a planet where mythical creatures run free, and those creatures are intelligent. His only saving grace is that the first living thing he runs into doesn't want to eat him. Instead he gets to find out the joy of being studied by another sapient creature, at least it's a mutual exchange of information. If he can manage to not screw up first contact too badly, he might even get back to doing his job.
(Takes place between season 2 and 3)
So how much longer before Null Set comes up with a working vocabulary and grammar for the ponies?
Really, the biggest issue I can see with this is that you have quite a few walls of text. Try breaking the paragraphs up a bit more where appropriate.
Also, try putting a break between scene transitions, because it's kind of confusing otherwise. I personally recommend using the [hr] tag for that, just make sure it's in its own line.
Otherwise, this looks good. It gets my approval.
looks like ideas and words stacked upon each other.
needs more work.
3691499
Well, first off you are awesome. I've read a few of your stories and like them a bunch. Secondly, now that I know how to do that line I will certainly be using it from now on, thanks.
Is this second chapter easier to read than the first or is it still screwed up a bit? I went and tried to clean it up as well as I could, but one man can only catch so many mistakes.
Huh. For some reason, I never got an email notification for this. Probably because it says it updated back in April, but that can't possibly be right.
Is this being continued?
7527359 Probably not...
7902313 I hope it does.
7902352 Me too. It's actually a pretty good story... but it hasn't been updated since July 21, 2014 so it probably won't be updated (and it's not on hiatus either)...
7903148 My hope is that since the author never said it was cancelled, that he has plans to continue it...
7903148
7906051
You two are wizards. I finally got back to work on this thing on Thursday. I know where I want the story to go it's just slow getting there, as evidenced by the 2 year gap.
Good news, the chapter is nearly written.
Bad news, I have to rewrite it which is why I couldn't post it then. About halfway through.
Good news again, sometime within the week.
7906296 Yay!
Text wall, scene cut is a bit unnecessary. And really disorienting. The voice of the narration also feels like it drastically changed.
A "You what!?" And then there was pain
Would better convey what happened without outright stating it.
Also, is Rainbow really that impulsive? New species, let's punch the crap out of them. Twilight should've been a lot angrier at him puking blood. He almost died.
If RD doesn't get a serious lesson in not randomly attacking people, we're gonna have problems.
First off, healing someone then walking away is kinda unprofessional. There's a reason a major treatment is followed by a few days of observation. Plus, wilderness,and unconscious. Does not seem safe at all.
His dad is even worse. His kid is on an alien planet, no idea what's there, and he decides to upload a fog horn into his ear? Really?
If he was unluckier, he might have ran off a cliff or something.
Text walls still a problem, along with run on sentences. Some really should be broken into two sentences. Too many paragraphs is still a hell lot more readable than great walls.
Last part, where he refuses AJ's apple. He was perfectly fine eating them earlier.
Noooot really fond of Pinkie being used for pure random, unless this isn't supposed to be all that serious. Same stuff as last chapter,
Seems really weird that Pinkie calls Twilight "Ayla" anyways, despite somehow knowing Human. Still don't really like knowing what they're saying. when the Narrator doesn't.
--kinda unnecessary. Try to outright state what you are doing all the time. Doesn't. Use sparingly.
[Talking]
--So, he never figured out how to speak the language. Makes a lot more sense than him learning how in under a month.
--Break up. Just one long ramble
Also, I question Fluttershy letting her chickens be eaten. Seems like fish tends to be the go-to Okay, though this is probably more headcanon than anything else. Ignore me.
--Does not feel surprised
--There's a lot of these. You can put a period here if it isn't ["blah blah," she said], or something like that
--Period
--period, Capitalize
--Period
--Kinda rambly, doesn't really feel like a person would talk like this. Plus, the pacing tends to speed up if you have a high dialogue to action ratio. Add in little bits of arm movement or whatever in the middle. This makes it seem like everyone is just sitting in one place talking like statues.
--i63.tinypic.com/2cmpvgj.jpg
--Too much talking. We use our hands quite a surprising amount when talking.
--has an "are you serious?" face star......
--Princess. We don't say <queen Sarah.> We say <Queen Sarah>
--Also, since I'm pretty sure this is pre-wing Twilight, she isn't that familiar. She tends to use "The Princess"
--Way, wayyyy too chunky. Makes the pacing feels really fast. Break it up, have small chunks that act as mental pauses, that kind of thing.
(Re: dad scene -- Even if Narrator did reach the station without incident, since they don't seem to contact each other instantly, there could be an incident that happens there and he has to be careful and focused. That would freak the fuck out out of anyone nearby.)