Fear Not · 6:26pm Jan 12th, 2016
More in the break below.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Theresa finally became a dictator, fulfilling this series' longest running joke! And also lost her legs. That too.
And now:
Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts. A little less than a yard wide each and swirling around several yards from each other, they weren’t visible from the ground.
Oh no.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Theresa whined to Parliament for half an hour.
And now:
This chapter begins with a question: what happened to President Martin?
The answer is given in the paragraph after the paragraph after the question is asked: not a lot. He's doing okay. That's the entirety of that line of thought.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Sim Country.
And now:
We begin the nineteenth chapter with a televised announcement from Prime Minister Scherzer. It includes telling the world not to challenge Theresa's power, and that she deserves the title of Empress. He doesn't tell the world of their plan, as per said plan, but does say they came to an agreement.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
No one did anything, but they did nothing aggressively.
And now:
We open the chapter with a short description of Boston College, which, as Theresa says, is not actually located in Boston.
BC has nine thousand undergraduates and a nationally known football team, but that’s not why I went there. I got a full scholarship plus room and board. It had to be the work of Father Donoughty and the Cardinal.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Explanations for impossible things don't work if they're impossible.
And now:
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Vehicular vengeance.
And now:
Did I know what I was doing? Heck no!
Well, at least she admits it.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Xenon: warrior gas.
And now:
Hey.
Hey.
You know how Theresa keeps making new problems for herself with every problem she 'solves'?
Yeah, so now she's getting sued.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Airplane.
And now:
Welcome back. Did you miss me? I missed you.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
The end!
And now:
Welcome to the educational part of the series. If you're just joining us, I recommend going back and reading the rest of these blogs first, starting from the first chapter. Otherwise, you might not get what's going on.
Or, y'know, don't. Either works for me.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Deserts are hard.
And now:
So the people who blew up that oil tanker were terrorists, as you might have guessed. Old associates of Al-Qaeda, as it turns out. Also, the boat they used was called the 'Deep C Guy'. Just want to put that out there.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
How can I best explain how little happened in so many, many words?
And now:
Before we begin, I have some news.
Well hello there. I see you chose the former option. Congratulations; you get to watch as my sanity goes through the shredder. Please remember that it is entirely your own fault and, should you reach your limit, that you may check out at any time.
Like right now.
Right now would probably be a good time.
...
Alright, now that we've guaranteed that anyone who values their time on this planet is gone, it's time for the main event.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Moses ain't got nothing.
And now:
It's time for Theresa and Steve to go back to America. Why they would want to go back is beyond me, but hey, it's their decision, not mine.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Recap paceR.
And now:
Theresa walks into a meeting room. Blair isn't there. TV cameras are. BAM, I just saved you a page and a half of unimportant description.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Not a lot!
And now:
Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:
“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”
Oh, Steve.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
North Korea North Korea'd. Theresa Theresa'd.
And now:
This is the big one, folks. Theresa's finally going to fix the wind thing. She's feeling very confident. So confident, in fact, that she invites her gracious hosts, the Parkers, to watch as she saves the world.
She does her thing. They watch, rapt, the television screens which display Theresa's creation in the arctic.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
New York!
And now:
The chapter begins with a New York Times headline and a call from the president. She wants to meet up at the White House. Steve decides this is a bad idea for seemingly no reason and instead requests a representative come to West Point (they're back in West Point, by the way).
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?
And now:
Welcome to the last chapter, folks. It's been a wild ride, hasn't it? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has to play us off.
If you'll recall, Theresa's apparent plan to deal with the new HAL users is to put the ENTIRE WORLD into suspended animation. She began doing this, as usual, without telling anyone and with no one's permission. Could have at least given us some warning, Theresa.
Kindle app says we're 12% in. Woohoooooooo.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
First meeting to marriage in a matter of pages.
And now:
Just a reminder, the last chapter ended with this line:
I was driving the car alone one Saturday to go grocery shopping, thinking of the wonderful future waiting for me.