Double Trouble (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapters 25 & 26) · 5:03pm May 14th, 2021
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Not a lot!
And now:
Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:
“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”
Oh, Steve.
With Theresa all uniformed up, it's off to the White House to get this party started. Again, it's felt that Theresa needs to be shown as an authority figure, so she's immediately promoted to five-star general, a rank that has not been held since Omar Bradley retired in 1951. Theresa is forced into making a little speech.
“I’m very simple. I follow my conscience. I am what I do. If you think that’s easy, try it for one day! We are saved or damned, not for what we think, but for what we do. If kids understood that they are what they do and they can change their identity today, there would be no street gangs and teenage prisoners. Personalities collapse if they have nothing good to do. What’s within us? A person is defined by his intellect and will which drive his actions, but he can change his intellect and will at any time. We are what we do.”
A nice sentiment, I suppose, but personally I feel it's an overly simplistic one, and preachy to boot. It assumes black and white morality, and a lot of other things. In fact, I'd say it's the kind of thing someone who's led a fairly privileged life would say.
Just keep saying “I am what I do” and you’ll do the right thing.
Like this. This ticks me off a little.
Just a little.
Anyway, Theresa is shipped off to South Korea. Oh, and also she's been trained as a pilot at some point during all of this. Just in case.
Theresa makes one more sweep for atom bombs (they found one), and then begins destroying the North Koreans' small arms around their capital of Pyongyang. When that's done, she increases the size of the area HAL's working in to a ten-mile radius around the city.
The next day, Theresa is greeted by bad news at breakfast. The North Korean leaders have ordered everyone in the capital to attack Theresa's forces, with or without weapons, civilians or no civilians. According to one General Sonwu (which is actually a Nigerian surname; I suspect Mr. Boutin meant Seon-woo or one of its variants) who has been assigned as Theresa's translator, it'll be a slaughter. Millions will die, mostly civilians, and their forces will be overwhelmed by sheer numbers.
Theresa goes back to her room and bemoans her fate for a bit. Then she cries. Then she goes to sleep. Then General Sonwu knocks on her door. PM Scherzer wants to talk to her. He gives her an idea.
I hung up. The seven South Korean generals in the room looked at me with a lot of anticipation.
“I’m going to move Pyongyang to the West a few miles into the sea. The leaders will have to give up when they lose the capitol, don’t you think?”
Seems reasonable enough; I'm sure no one will die in the process of moving a seven-hundred and seventy-two square-mile patch of land with millions of people in residence into the air and several miles out to sea. What could possibly go wrong?
It's pointed out that doing this won't achieve much anyway. The other Generals in the room begin to get angry with her.
Some looked sympathetic, some annoyed, all looked like they were thinking I was an amateur general who didn’t know what she was doing. The angry general probably said I was a stupid girl who should be home baking cookies. I was losing command fast.
To be fair, you are an amateur general, and you really don't seem to know what you're doing, so...
Theresa consults a map of the region. She comes up with something, and calls up Prime Minister Blair.
“The Pyongyang move is out. It’s not enough. Are there any island nations that are dictatorships?”
The Prime Minister was silent for a moment. He must have suspected what I was up to.
Really? Because I haven't got a single clue what you're thinking anymore. Maybe I've just given up trying to follow your logic. Maybe there never was any to begin with. What day is it?
The answer Blair comes back with is a 'no' and a 'such a thing would be infeasible'. I don't know if that's true.
The gist of Theresa's idea, here, is that because there are no island dictatorships, if she makes North Korea an island, BAM! No more dictatorship! This will also remove China's support for NK. For reasons.
First, though, she has to move Tsushima out of the way. So she does so. Just saved you four pages with that sentence. Lucky you.
In the midst of this process, Theresa reflects on the journey that has taken her to this moment. I'll spare you that, too.
Next up is moving Korea itself. She lifts it up, letting the water rush in under it, which I'm sure will have no unintended side effects whatsoever.
Cecil B Demille couldn’t have dreamed up a scene like what would soon happen.
The event is being televised, by the way.
It'll take four days to finish moving the country (God, isn't that a sentence?). Once that's done, it's go time for the South Korean army. Theresa wants loudspeakers on their trucks, so she can talk to the North Koreans while they invade. Through an interpreter, of course. HAL hasn't developed the ability to instantly teach Theresa other languages. Yet.
During the four days of waiting, the controversy over whether I had asked anybody’s permission to move Korea was the top news story.
I think at this point people would probably have given up trying to get Theresa to seek permission before altering the landscape.
The four days pass, and it's off to the races. Also, apparently no one actually believed Theresa when she said she'd be going in with the troops. Or told the troops! So she's getting a lot of odd stares.
South Korean planes fly ahead of them, dropping leaflets with Theresa's picture on them.
There was no mention of the South Koreans. It was all about me, me, me.
It's always been about you, you, you, hasn't it?
Morning comes, and it's time to march on Pyongyang. There's surprisingly little resistance as they approach the government complex. No sign of the army; not really sure what happened there. What there are a lot of is civilians, most notably a crowd that is stated to be, in true Boutin fashion, four million people strong.
Theresa commands their procession to stop. Fifty thousand South Korean soldiers jump out of their parade and ready their weapons.
Theresa goes out to greet the people.
What does she say, now that everyone in Pyongyang (and the world) is watching?
“I think they figured out I’m here. Hi, Steve!”
Smooth.
She makes a speech. I'd quote it, but I don't know how much copy-paste I have left. It includes pointing out how privileged she and the rest of America is and another dig at that restaurant in Paris being too sophisticated for them. Also, it's revealed that the North Korean government fled to China. Convenient!
The North Korean civilians are told they are free now. They cheer. Theresa shakes hands. Yay.
Later, Theresa makes another speech, this one more formally televised and broadcast throughout the country.
What could I say to make them understand the new reality? The answer was simple.
So she reads off the first paragraphs of the Declaration of Independence. In bold, by the way. Just so you know it's important. People cheer. President Stinson cries.
This event, broadcast to the whole world, was called my greatest achievement.
Not, y'know, saving the world.
The chapter ends here, as do we.
Or... not.
See, I read ahead a bit. And the next chapter is actually quite innocuous. There's not a lot to talk about, really. Not until the end, at least.
So here's what we're going to do: you're getting a special double-feature. Two chapters in one day. Aren't you the lucky ones.
Ready? Here we go: Chapter 26: Lightning Round.
Theresa starts mucking about with chemistry and biology. In an experiment attempting to separate molecules in a solution, she accidentally discovers how to make HAL put things into suspended animation, like he did when she fell into the Atlantic. She and Steve briefly go over what this could do for medicine, but then scrap the idea for fear of lawsuits. This despite Theresa's immunity from the courts; I guess Mr. Boutin forgot that detail.
Theresa begins using her remote viewing for archeological purposes. She finds a whole bunch of lost scrolls in Hebrew. Historians are overjoyed. Then she one-ups this by finding the remains of Joan of Arc. The French cry tears of joy. She gives up on archeology after this, as she can't top that, because that's the important part to her.
Next, she sets her sights on the Olympics. As it turns out, eliminating winter has done a number on the Winter Games. Who'd have thunk it. To remedy this, Theresa will need to do some terraforming.
We need a new mountain,.… near a big city,.… with indoor facilities already in place,…. and lots of fresh water to make ten feet of snow in a hurry.”
That's,... not,... how,... ellipses,... work!
Anyway, Chicago becomes the new home of the summer and winter combined Olympic Games.
Now comes the actual important part of this chapter.
I set out one morning and it happened so fast I didn’t see it coming. A fast moving car hit me from the side. I flew over the car and landed on the street.
This is no accident; it's a coordinated attack by terrorists. Good news: she survives. Bad news:
“When do I get out of here?”
“It will be a while. Your back is broken.” He stopped for a moment, delaying the worse as long as he could. “The doctors say you won’t walk again.”
Yeah, so that's a thing. What follows is a lot of crying.
Gonna be honest: given what we've already seen Theresa do? I can't see something like this slowing her down too much.
And there is some hope: Theresa's getting back into biology. She figures she might be able to rebuild her nervous system by copying someone else's, one molecule at a time. So that's something.
Anyway, that's where the chapter ends: with Theresa wheelchair-bound. I'm sure this will have a great and drastic effect on events to come.
Hope two chapters wasn't too much for you. See you next time, folks.
I like how the five-star patches on the uniform shoulders look like snowflakes. :3
That's like 50% of this cockamamie novel, isn't it?
I honestly do not know.
Agreed! I'm honestly shocked the car didn't bounce off her and her utter human perfection.