Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa finally became a dictator, fulfilling this series' longest running joke! And also lost her legs. That too.

And now:

Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts.  A little less than a yard wide each and swirling around several yards from each other, they weren’t visible from the ground.

Oh no.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A chapter that wasn't totally boring!

And now:

Guess who's back.

Back again.

Theresa's back.

Tell a friend.

Gues who's back, guess who's back, etc. etc.

A month has passed since the Paris trip, and, I quote, 'the oppression of being trapped in this luxurious prison' is getting to Theresa again. Remember how I said that maybe Theresa might solve the wind thing this chapter? Yeah, no. Crops are still dying, folks. Keep that in mind.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Splat!
And now:

So following her daring escape in the last chapter, Theresa wakes up in a hospital bed next to the British Prime Minister.
No, not in the bed. That would be weird.

I slammed my hand on the mattress in frustration.  For eight years I had kept HAL a secret.  My life was ruined.  All I wanted was a quiet life.  I didn’t get it.  What was I supposed to do next?
“I’ll bet my secret is out.”

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Kindle app says we're 12% in. Woohoooooooo.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
First meeting to marriage in a matter of pages.
And now:

Just a reminder, the last chapter ended with this line:

I was driving the car alone one Saturday to go grocery shopping, thinking of the wonderful future waiting for me.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

New York!

And now:

The chapter begins with a New York Times headline and a call from the president. She wants to meet up at the White House. Steve decides this is a bad idea for seemingly no reason and instead requests a representative come to West Point (they're back in West Point, by the way).

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?

And now:

Welcome to the last chapter, folks. It's been a wild ride, hasn't it? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has to play us off.

If you'll recall, Theresa's apparent plan to deal with the new HAL users is to put the ENTIRE WORLD into suspended animation. She began doing this, as usual, without telling anyone and with no one's permission. Could have at least given us some warning, Theresa.

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Well hello there. I see you chose the former option. Congratulations; you get to watch as my sanity goes through the shredder. Please remember that it is entirely your own fault and, should you reach your limit, that you may check out at any time.
Like right now.
Right now would probably be a good time.

...

Alright, now that we've guaranteed that anyone who values their time on this planet is gone, it's time for the main event.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Moses ain't got nothing.

And now:

It's time for Theresa and Steve to go back to America. Why they would want to go back is beyond me, but hey, it's their decision, not mine.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Not a lot!

And now:

Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:

“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”

Oh, Steve.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

North Korea North Korea'd. Theresa Theresa'd.

And now:

This is the big one, folks. Theresa's finally going to fix the wind thing. She's feeling very confident. So confident, in fact, that she invites her gracious hosts, the Parkers, to watch as she saves the world.

She does her thing. They watch, rapt, the television screens which display Theresa's creation in the arctic.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Recap paceR.
And now:

Theresa walks into a meeting room. Blair isn't there. TV cameras are. BAM, I just saved you a page and a half of unimportant description.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A whole lotta math.

And now:

So, small correction: last chapter, I implied that Theresa and Steve were going to make an appearance before the United Nations. This was incorrect, and for that I must apologize. In reality, it's only Steve that's going. Thank you for your patience.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa causes more problems than she solves? Who woulda guessed!

And now:

I spent a sleepless night.  The unfairness of my position kept the tears flowing.

Thus opens the chapter. Theresa is having a hard time supporting all the weight on her shoulders.

Y'know, we could always try throwing Theresa out of an airplane again. That might fix the problem. Worked last time.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa the oil baron.

And now:

Chapter Twenty! Eight left! Woohoo!

Three weeks have passed, and Theresa's about to raise the land bridge to Crete. She can't just raise it normally, though, the Mediterranean's too deep. Whatever 'raising it normally' even means in this context anymore.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Mr. Boutin took a filler chapter to shit on France.

And now:

You may be wondering why there's a new chapter today. Well, given the new format, and smaller chapters in the book, entries of this series are going to be kind of short for a while. As such, I've decided to switch to a daily schedule. I hope that's okay with everyone.

Anyway, on with the show!

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa decided that winter is optional.

And now:

Hoo boy. That last chapter sure was a doozy, huh? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has in store for us today.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
The fatal flaw of wind turbines: the eradication of any and all wind, anywhere on the planet, by an alien. Take that, green energy!
And now:

I was getting depressed.  This BBC program had been giving me nothing but bad news.  Did anything go right in this world?

That's typically how news works, yes.

The United States was also in a terrible mood.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Explanations for impossible things don't work if they're impossible.
And now:

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Deserts are hard.

And now:

So the people who blew up that oil tanker were terrorists, as you might have guessed. Old associates of Al-Qaeda, as it turns out. Also, the boat they used was called the 'Deep C Guy'. Just want to put that out there.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

The end!

And now:

Welcome to the educational part of the series. If you're just joining us, I recommend going back and reading the rest of these blogs first, starting from the first chapter. Otherwise, you might not get what's going on.

Or, y'know, don't. Either works for me.

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