I've hit another point where my mind has cracked a little.

It's never nice when it happens. As always, there was no one particular trigger. I didn't "snap" and start smashing things, I just hit another of those insidious, exhausting holes that my depression hands me. I can at least feel them coming, and understand that it's chemical and neurophysiological and that all I need to do is ride it out.

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It happened.

The test results have finally come back and my father indeed has a malignant tumor in his lung. It has been stated that he will have to go through surgery or chemo and radiation therapy, which he will be going through starting this week. Today he begins both with a vicious cycle to try and get rid of this. The upside? He doesn't seem to be as affected, or he just doesn't understand the severity of the situation. The downside? I am having a hard time breathing and not crying.

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For the past month I've been spending a lot of time alone, just sitting in my room with the lights off sometimes drawing, other times just thinking. I think this has been a continual part of my life, going through these periods of loneliness, perhaps that's because I'm just not very good at socializing. As a person who suffers from some extreme social anxiety I do find that I enjoy being a lone but always being alone? I don't know about that... it hurts. I feel as though my body is allergic to

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I thought I’d post little daily things I notice about how my anxiety manifests itself.

I’m using inspiration from Tynal for his most wonderful daily quotes.

These are not complaints or woe-is-me - they’re just interesting little things I’ve noted at times that I think extend from my lack of confidence and my anxiety!

And some of these are really funny!!!

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Hello. It's been a little bit since I wrote one of these. In all honesty, I haven't been back to the site since I posted that last blog entry. Things have been, well, they suck. I want to work on things here, peruse the stories, see what's happening in the world of ponies, but I've been dealing with too much to remember to come back until now.

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So for the last two hours I have been constantly looking to see if my first fanfic in over three years was been accepted. Now it is past midnight and I have to get up early to go to church ( ugh ), and I probably won't go and sleep until it is accepted. I worried that no one is going to like it or no one is going to even be interested by it. Its pretty much how I feel before presenting an essay at school, I know its going to be fine, but I'm still worried. I already have the story all planed

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Anybody who's experienced anxiety got any ideas how to deal with crippling episodes of anxiety and or depressive thoughts? Really need some ideas before I lose my mind.

IN WHICH DEPRESSION SUCKS
I hate to even write about this, because I don't like bringing others down. But, since it's highly doubtful anyone will read this post, I can look at it instead as a little personal catharsis. After all, talking about your problems is one avenue to trying to get a handle on them. And if it helps my writing, so much the better.

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I'm not too sure on where my anxiety comes from, but have you ever left the safe confines of your house, the place where you feel the most safe, stepped outside into the wide, open world and felt incredibly vulnerable? Fresh air and socialising are things I'm not problematic about, but when I feel so tired that my brain can't function and I know I must look terrible to others, I always feel like I'm ready to crack.

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IN WHICH I SORT OF RETURN
So, yeah. I've been away for awhile. I promised I would make public one of my finished one-shot stories and I didn't. I apologize for that. I just couldn't bring myself to deal with the bell icon while also dealing with other things.

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So I don't talk about myself too much here, oddly enough I talk about myself here in more personal detail than anywhere else. I guess it feels safer to talk about things bothering me when nobody knows my real name. Yet I think there are some things that need discussed, for my sake and hopefully to help others. For the past year I've been suffering with suicidal depression. I've seen a therapist, I've done some exercising, and I even picked up yoga. All these things have been very helpful but

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I don't know how long this will be.

Currently I'm battling depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with it about a year ago, but I've suspected that it's been there longer. There are days where I just feel like life means nothing and that mine is a waste.

Right now it's after midnight and I haven't even gotten up out of my bed to get ready. I dunno why. Sometimes I feel like the struggle is worse than I say it is. I dunno.

So I've seen a lot of people doing blog posts, and it looks like quite the fun time, so I figured, why not join in?

That's what I'm going to do! Blog posts of various interesting things I think of, daily anti-social-anxiety challenges, and the like!

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IN WHICH I ACTUALLY DID SHIT, SORTA
It's been awhile since I wrote a blogpost. Sure, no one cares, but I feel the need to say something just in case anyone stumbles upon my profile and gets curious about my lack of updates. Follow me across the jump for a rather insane tale of illegality and insanity – not all of it mine for once.

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Are my porn stories IKEA Erotica?

And is that a problem?

(sauce)

FINALLY getting bac into doing things. Feeling very bad and feeling like i wasted so much time so now abttlign depression and anxiety regarding that, but i have started work on a chapter for one of my stories so we'll see when it's ready c: hopefully it doesn't take me another four years to finish things .3.

So, I was thinking, what triggers my horrible social and personal anxiety, and while I could be edgy and say "It's people that breath... man..." I feel like a lot of my social anxiety is caused by my innate fear of asking for help or confrontation... I will flat out refuse to talk to cashiers, help staff, or anyone who is there to help out of fear of being laughed at or that the confrontation would be weird. I straight out can't approach people that I have to approach, like the check-in ladies

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My mentally ill mother is passing away as I type these few words...

I don't know how to handle this numb anxiety let alone come to terms with a conflicted history dealing with twenty years of psychological turmoil coming to bitter conclusion. 😟

Roughly 9 years ago this month, The Lost Element began. And I have dutifully stuck to my guns the entire way, seeing the glorious rise, tragic fall, and crushing end of MLP FiM in the process. And even now, I still carry on with my work. And yet so much has happened during that time and not all of it is happy.

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Hello again, everyone, I’m back once more to provide yet another update concerning my progress on "The Writing of The Bonds of Love."

Unfortunately, this update consists of mostly bad news.

As mentioned in my previous update, I initially intended to finish discussing the last three chapters of T.B.O.L. and then post a final update, confirming both the “Writing of…” was nearing completion and possibly even a release date for it.

This is not that final update.

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