Anxiety

I'm not too sure on where my anxiety comes from, but have you ever left the safe confines of your house, the place where you feel the most safe, stepped outside into the wide, open world and felt incredibly vulnerable? Fresh air and socialising are things I'm not problematic about, but when I feel so tired that my brain can't function and I know I must look terrible to others, I always feel like I'm ready to crack.

Physical and mental exhaustion due to massive amounts of emotional stress without a release will exact a toll on anyone, and I constantly have a tightness on my heart because of it. I trust nobody because I know nobody or what they're liable to do, something I've learned after years of torment and ridicule from others. Literally, I haven't got that many memories where somebody hasn't taunted me and been nice to me, and it hurts like nothing you'd believe until you experience it for yourself. Ever since then, being around other people makes me uneasy and often uncomfortable because I'm trying to figure out what the next person I see is going to do.

I rarely ever leave my house, anyway, so I'm usually stuck behind my guitar and playing a solo jam session in my bedroom, which has become my sanctuary. It's a private space where I'm surrounded by personal affects and those good memories I've had since forever. Once I'm outside, where I have no good memories save for one or two, I feel that tightening around my heart that makes me want to vomit and cry. You know when you witness or hear something so excruciatingly sad that your chest constricts and you feel your eyes water? That's what I get. It sucks.

I never go anywhere on my own because I prefer the company of somebody else to speak with, otherwise I feel awkward on my own. My brother used to do that, but since depression struck him hard after coming back from uni, he won't leave the bedroom. Unless I really have no choice, I will stay put and not leave the home on my own. It makes making friends much more a hassle than necessary, and when all but one of your friends moved out of town so many years ago your options are not very open, so the confidence in going out there and finding somebody that actually is willing to get to know you is slim.

Only recently, with my current situation, what is to come and how much I know will need to be done, has my anxiety grown into more of a panic attack. That rarely happens with me, like, at all, but when you can feel it churning behind your ribs, it's something else.

Peace be upon thee, dear Brethren. I hope to whatever god there is that you don't suffer from anxiety. It's pretty downing.