Story Synopsis:

This is a pilot story-episode.

Velvetverse is the AU story where Twilight Velvet, Cookie Crumbles, Windy Whistles, Rain Flower(Mrs. Shy), Cloudy Quartz, and Pear Butter become the mane 6 before their future daughters do.

Initial Thoughts: This would not be the first instance I’ve seen of changing the ponies who go to save Equestria. But, well, I’ve got a bias in this one. Cloudy Quartz, for whatever reason, is my favorite Mom of the bunch. No idea why. Would love to see her here as either her stoic self or as someone much closer to her daughter than expected. 

Post-reading: This… was a bit difficult to get through. More on that in the What Needs Work section. 

Summary: It’s quite simple: Mirror Star offers up an alternative take on how six ponies come together to form the Mane Six, using the mothers as the subversion. Through various activities and experiences relayed to Princess Celestia, Twilight Velvet reveals what she’s learned about each. 

What Works:

Arguably, the connecting characteristics between the mothers and the actual Mane Six was interesting enough. Twilight Velvet is studious, to a degree, at least, as a student of Princess Celestia ought to be. Rain Flower is shy, Windy Whistles is a bit brash, and so on and so forth. This makes me a bit concerned, however, because the characters are a bit too close to their daughters’ characterizations. Some originality might spice it up a bit. 

The fact, however, that the mares are actually already friends, and have done things together beyond just saving the world, made for some fun reading. It was cute. It works as a pilot idea. 

What Needs Work:

Normally I try not to point out grammatical errors, as story serves more of a purpose overall, but in this case I think it is necessary to illuminate the inconsistencies.

Throughout, there are issues with tense changes, punctuation, and missing words. This is made apparent from the very beginning:

In the room of princess Celestia, she is reading a book while having a slice of cake. As she continues to read, somepony knocks on her door.

The voice said "Princess Celestia.".

I’ll list off the glaring issues here:

1. The story starts off in present tense, but by the second paragraph it’s moved into past-tense. 
2. There should be a comma after “said”.
3. There should not be a period after the quotation marks.
4. “princess” should be capitalized.

Such problems are prevalent throughout, especially in the dialogue. It’s hard to ignore since it’s so apparent, and the writing comes off as uniquely foreign. I get the sense of either a poor understanding of grammatical conventions or that English is not the writer’s native language. Either way, an editor is heavily advised. 

The reason why grammar is so important is because it allows the reader to understand the writing itself. No matter how much one may bemoan how it’s taught or the why, one has to understand how language functions before they can begin to write in it. As it stands, for this story to function, it would need to brush up on basic rules of grammar, especially since many of the problems create issues of understanding and narrative flow.

I realize, too, that the colored text is meant to convey when Velvet has written something, but I would advise against that. On some viewers’ screens, that text may not be visible. If you want to format your text to convey it being a quote from something a character has written, you may want to write in italics, or use the “quote” function on FIMFiction.