TBroken Diamond

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama
• Mystery
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Diamond Tiara: Bully and Written Script: History Teacher. Probably two ponies who would probably never meet if they could. But that's about to change in this story of redemption...

• Alt. Universe
• Rarity
• Diamond Tiara
• Other
• CMCs
• Bat Pony

The Bricklayer · 36k words  ·  39  7 · 1.3k views

Summary: Diamond Tiara, queen of the Ponyville Schoolyard and local bully. Written Script, High School History Teacher and somewhat of a jerk. Probably the last two ponies whose paths would cross if they could avoid it. Of course, today that's all changed when Diamond finds herself orphaned by a house fire set by somepony unknown and Written finds old memories he preferred not to think about being dug up. In the middle of all this is a kindhearted lawyer pony named Caesar, Diamond's classmates, Written's adopted son Potion and Written's ex Rarity. It might be a safe bet things are about to get rather out of the ordinary pretty quickly.

Additional Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Bon Bon, Raindrops and Silver Spoon. Rated for various reasons. Cover Art is property of Rosejule so credit to them.

Initial thoughts: *deep breath* Alright so this is a Written Script/Diamond Tiara story, and honestly I went into this with an open mind, however...the execution felt rather flat. For a story that focuses on retempation I don't feel it gives us enouhg time with the characters it wants us to care about, and just fiddles around at times with "livening" up the piece with comedy, that I didn't chuckle at. Also the story itself is rather telly, and I can tell this is older, as Brick's newer pieces don't have this issue. (Rebirth of the Queen.) However...despite all that. I didn't hate it. nor is it terrible, it's just kind of there. Meh. 5/10

Grammar: Now overall, I didn't really notice much flaws here. Granted I feel we don't need all the ( ) spots where the author tells us how a pony is feeling. But that was already mentioned. 8/10

Characterization: Now clearly the focus is on Written Script (a background pony) and Diamond Tiara, but we also get a mix of Oc's, other background characters, and a few main ones like Twilight. However the focus is where it should be for the most part, however the plot often drifts to Potion does this, Diamond does that, and it feels a bit stiff at times. However, for what it does for how short each part is, is done decently. 6/10

Overall thoughts: I went into this thinking it would be better than "Drake for her" and that statement is very true. However it's not Brick's best work. At least not by a long shot. I have read "Rebrith of the Queen" and reviewed it as well and it's much better in every aspect. However, this story isn't terrible. I feel if Brick did a rewrite, keeping the main theme, and be willing to extend the length to say a 50k story to truly flesh out Diamond and Written Script the story itself would be a LOT better than it is now. As it is now. 6/10

Final score: 6/10
Keep up the good work!
My advice to Brick: Don't give up or be discouraged. I hope what I have said helps you in some way. And know that you can always talk to me. I can't recommend any good stories as I don't know of any off the top of my head, but I'm sure they are out there. Often best way to write is to read others stories.

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Okay, so yeah... Not my best piece. And I will admit it is pretty 'meh'. To be honest, I have been wanting to redo it for months, but I've never worked up the energy to get inspired enough to do so. Shows how much I really care right?