Dark Avenger:

Yo yo yo yo yo! 420 gangsta paradise, hit up dat blunt and drop that bass! It’s me, Dark Avenger, bringing you the loudest and purplest prose-puffs from the land of ponyfags. Today’s special guest is none other than THE absolute biggest, bestest, doorstopest fic of all time: Austraeoh.

Okay, before we begin, let’s make a few things clear:

Okay, so now that we’re all on the same page, let’s get on with the show. Um… do you guys know about a guy called kudzuhaiku? He’s one of those guys who wrote a story with like a million billion words in it, and recently he came out and said the only reason his book has more words in it than Wikipedia is because he wanted to write one really super-long fic, so he just shat out a chapter every week and made everything up on the go.

Now, I never said that’s the case here too. In fact it’s quite the opposite. After all, unlike “The Chaste”, Australia is a real story. It does an excellent job keeping you interested for hundreds of chapters through the use of dramatic plot threads with plenty of twists, action, emotional scenes, and…

Any idiot could tell that plenty of effort went into making this exciting and educational tale. After all, that’s exactly why you need almost 2 million words to tell a story from start to finish, right? Because you already had it planned out? Every bit of it? Like how the protagonist just moves in an arbitrary direction and conveniently runs into all sorts of things where she has to do stuff? Or like how every other paragraph is like the text version of a nature documentary? Don’t be silly, there’s no way you could read any of this as “shit made up on the fly just to milk the audience for as long as possible.”

The basic premise is this: you have, uh… Rainbow Dash! Yeah, and she… she is in the air. She’s flying and… flying some more... and sightseeing... and there’s all these really long bits where it’s just trees and mountains and the sky and whatever. And then sometimes she bumps into someone or something and she does some cool stuff because she’s Rainbow Dash, the most awesome dyke to ever turn into a thing angsty teens masturbate to!

Hmm… I think I got most of that right… let’s see what my review-o-meter says:

So like I said: the story is a true testament to the infinite capabilities of the fandom. There are so many examples spread throughout the fic that I can hardly decide which one to bring up. Maybe a bit of dialogue?

"We shalt not pretend to cast judgment on thy decision to eradicate Discord; his presence was an absolute bane to Equestria. However, when his body was destroyed, his essence remained. What's more, it sought a host. We taketh no joy in informing thee that thou art now the vessel of Discord's chaos, and as soon as thou fell unconscious, it started to... manifest itself in thy body and mind. The only solution we had to ward off the effects of chaos was to seal it away with the one device that thou didst use to defeat Discord in the first place: thy Element. With our enchantment, the power of the Element hath been magnified, but it is still only a temporary salve."

"How..." I gulped. I looked up at the Princess. "How long do I have to... to...?"

"Without thy pendant, less than a day," Luna said calmly. "With the Element protecting thee, it is difficult to predict. Several months, a year at best."

PROTIP: Thou hath noth writteneth enoughth Ye Olde English in thiseth storyeth. Good thing it was never canon either.

Yeah, that’s how you do it. I mean, it’s not like you have to innovate anything or break away from fandom memes to make a good story. If we were all thinking that way, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to read fics like… uh… why the hell is that turd “A Little Loopy” getting a side story? And do we seriously have this running joke that Spike can jizz entire oceans now? And uh… is this why we have all the retarded stuff that gets featured because the admins still can’t figure out how to fix things and they waste time trying to make jokes that aren’t funny OH SHI-

Meridian Prime:

yo names meri
ive been told i should check out this my little pony shit
and its p cool
i can dig that rainbow chick
she knows whats up
so some random dude was all like
"you like that rainbow chick right"
and i was all like
"hell yeah i do my main motherfucker"
so then he was all like
"well then you should check out this long-ass fic over here"
and then i was all like
no
fuck that shit
i aint reading that many words
my brain is not equipped to deal with all that bullshit
the end
now all of you fuck off and go do something else

and then i got like super bored 3 days later and read it
so here we go

aight first off rainbow chick is being all mopey and "woe is me"
seriously its kind of depressing
its like samuel l jackson broke in her home specifically to crap all over her cheerios
look her in the eye
and tell her
"your daddy never loved you"
now if that had happened
i could forgive the moping
hell even this cool ass cat couldnt handle mace windu telling him that

anyway yeah shes all sad and also flying east for some reason
lots of pretty mountains and shit
as if anyone cares about that i mean how lame are fucking mountains am i right
hell yes im right
im always right

PROTIPswagtip numero uno motherfucker no one cares about your motherfucking mountains
no way are some lame ass descriptions gonna make peeps want to read your word jenga tower of doom

She had flown over so many mountain ranges that she had practically memorized the shape of such geographical features.

yeah lady we know it was FUCKING BORING

anyway
yeah fuck this
i aint going through this whole story step by step
imma skip ahead instead because fucking hell man
this thing goes on forever
so heres whats good about this library of alexandria wannabe

1 its got that rainbow chick and shes p cool
2 theres some pretty awesome explosions and shit
3 theres an electric moose with an electric squirrel pet and a freaking airship
in no universe is that not cool

swagtip numero douze electric squirrels are fucking cool

“And then, at the head of the entire group, is Simon the Squirrel.”

and then theres the shit that is shit

1 holy sweet marzipan jesus on a rocket powered pogostick this story is long
2 who the fuck are all these other characters and why the fuck should i give a fuck about these fucks
also why are they named after commenters
like
who the fuck wants to read about xx_n00blord_xx
no one
thats who
3 man that shellfish guy takes a long time to die
4 i swear if i see the word fuzzy again i will commit sudoku
or lyra kiri
depending on how melodramatic im feeling that day
frickin lyra
always wearing a hoodie
cant trust ponies in hoodies
can never remember what they look like
5 all of rainbow chicks friends ARE FUCKING DEAD
i mean shit dude
you may as well have sent sam jackson to crap on her cheerios
might have been more cheerful
geddit
cheerful
my puns are the fucking best

swagtip thirty three: always use more puns
gotta admit tho
this guys got it covered

Check Off Your Gun

a marsupial after my own heart if there ever was one

6 the chapter titles need work
like plastic surgery style work
at least for the first like 3 books all the chapter names sound like they were picked out of a fucking thesaurus
and last i checked
sweetie belle isnt real
so enough with the dictionary thing collapsing rectum

swagtip 404 “dizzy” is not a good name for a chapter
tho i will admit
they get better

Everypony Hates The Water Temple

damn right they do son
fuck the water temple right in its water wrinkled asshole

7 rainbow chick needs to do something about that constipation

"Nnnnrghhh!" Rainbow grunted

jeeze lady get to the fucking bathroom already
8 wtf is up with chrysalis going all darth vader on her own horn brah
swagtip 501st self mutilation is not the way to redemption
unless youre trying to butter up a sadist
in which case
carry on
9 i signed up for adventure not gay changelings and farting cultists
and i got gay changelings and farting cultists for 4 fucking books man

swagtip number 666OF THE BEAAAAAAAAST
farting cultists are bad news

0 did i mention its looooooooooooooong

so yeah theres some p cool shit in this
but most of it sucks balls
fuck your gay changeling authorguy
no homo
no wait
the writer dudes name is imploding colon
all the homo man
all the fucking homo

so with that i bid you slick motherfuckers adieu and adios

i guess ill see you nextime or whatever

JLB:

Normal reviewers have a set, coherent preface to each review they make - primarily so, anyway. It would seem, however, that all semblance of normalcy in reviewers has been foregone, clearly evidenced by the two numbnuts you had the displeasure of being exposed to above. I shall make no secret of how I was pulled into the affair simply because they could not gather enough “specialists” - oh how broadly do I use the term - to make their pitiful attempt at a collab.

On the brighter side, story introduction is no longer a necessary segment of my review, and neither are some other sections. With this, I shall delve into the largely innocent story that is Odrsjot.

I should start with a small digression - for the sake of fairness, one thing should be established right away. Dear buttery swindles of Josh, these people have absolutely zero tolerance for creativity. None. Nada. Null. Frankly speaking, looking at my “cohorts” and their attempts at reviewing the piece, I am stricken by how plainly unintelligent these morons appear to be. Of all their complaints, I have found only a spare few, and even then they were nowhere near as bad as advertised. My first impressions were highly soiled by what I was told - what I found was… definitely not that. Certainly. Absolutely. No, it was not. No. It was not. These buffoons above are just rambling their half-worth minds out onto the page for you to see, no, they did not even read the fan-fic. As a matter of fact, I am quite convinced that they operated on word of mouth alone, and on spoon-fed quotes to make it look as if they actually read Odrsjot. Well, I had read Odrsjot. All of it.

And I am proud to say that, while flawed, a piece of more experimentational fiction does exist. If even so short.

Odrsjot is a curious beast. When I was brought into this largely illiterate fold of quasi-reviewers, I expected to be dealing with poorly written pornography, exploitative half-fiction, sensationalist trend abuse, and nonexistent English grammar. Odrsjot is, quite surprisingly, none of that. It is interpretative, somewhat unusual, perhaps a bit rough around the edges, but, in the end, it is a genuine ray of light at the end of the awful literature tunnel. It risks, and does so quite sharply - but it wraps up when its time comes. It does not go overboard, and that is what is important. No, it does not go overboard. Odrsjot is a quick enough tale, filled with questions, allowing for interpretation, and something that does require thought in the end of it all. It ends when it has to - perhaps a bit too late, but just a bit.

If the word can be used for such an occasion, I was told by my “co-reviewers” that Odrsjot is part of a series called “Austraeoh”, and that it has multiple prequels, and then the stench of poor taste so overcapacitated my senses that I had found myself in active flight from these bumbling individuals. Should you expect me to tear into the fan-fic and insult it, well, I do believe you will receive half of that - I will most likely continue to tear into and insult my “colleagues”, who missed the entirety of the point. Granted, the point is rather obscure, but that does seem to be its intended nature. At least, that is what I had gathered after having read it in its entirety.

The story follows a rather vague, but somewhat intriguing thread - Rainbow Dash in a strikingly detailed set of environments, chasing an obscure anomaly, occasionally lost in flight and nature. Minor suggestions do pop up as to whether this is a sequel to a visibly nonexistent (as my research had shown) set of stories - it is not clarified what she chases, how she is in that exact location, and what drives her. As a matter of fact, we know remarkably little, as the only spoken lines of dialogue - and my biggest problem with the fic in general - are at the very end of the story.

To throw off the growing goosebumps, and also in anticipation of the nocturnal journey ahead, she flapped her wings, accelerating her flight so that she flew ahead of the lavender beacon. The craggy hills grew darker and darker. As a precautionary measure, Rainbow Dash gained altitude, flying high enough until she felt certain she could coast along into the starlight, unimpeded by any mountainsides looming ahead. It was then that the world bequeathed Rainbow Dash its most beautiful canvas yet.

EXAMPLE: Dash is rarely singled out through any action, but then, most of them are flight or basic needs. As such, the story keeps track of what is important for its purpose.

The experimentation, in execution, thematics, and message, is how completely obscure the journey is. If I had to compare it to anything at all, I would use the lewd analogy of a narcotics-induced mental trip. Rainbow Dash takes a backseat throughout most of the story - the environment receives a stark amount of focus. Perhaps, some more variety could have been added, but for the duration of the story, the few reminders of the pony protagonist are enough. What truly matters is that which cynical people would call a barrage of exposition, but myself…

Myself, I would not be quite so hasty. I do have experience in analysis and storywriting. Unlike most of our “reviewers”. The rules strongly dictate that most words tell, and have a point. Odrsjot is absolutely filled with sentence after sentence to be picked apart. The author uses the most extravagant ways to describe the most fleeting of things, nature’s landscapes ranking the highest among them. The sheer level of detail - far outweighing the almost fake protagonist of Rainbow Dash - makes one think, delve deep into the meaning.

Wildflowers had utterly penetrated the deathly landscape over the centuries, devouring whatever patch of rich soil was available between the rows of exposed stone. In a way, they formed a path for her, a highway of pastel joy amidst utter bleakness.

…

Everything about the flight was like clockwork, and her feathers sprang into action only when they needed to, lifting her forward and upward just in time to avoid yet another mountain peak that sliced ineffectually towards her fuzzy blue belly.

POINTER: The symbolism of the flowers invokes one thought, but the description of Rainbow Dash’s belly as “blue and fuzzy” clearly has an intention of brief correlation with the former.

As such, each paragraph is a clash, a story of its own. Words fight for your attention, lulling you away, deeper and deeper into the abyss - perhaps, much like Dash in this story, you are to chase a nomadic radiance, fighting to keep focus and not side-track the flight. My personal running theory is that the factual “plot” of the story - Rainbow Dash arriving at a zeppelin, spending over a week flying over mountains and resting when needed, and chasing a lavender glow - is merely like a narrator on a meditation recording. Their importance is far outweighed by that which surrounds them, which is spacious landscapes and similarly complex word constructions.

"Something troubleth thee. The feelings of an equine lost in the night hath no way of escaping our esteemed vision. Hath thou endured more trials over the past month?"

THEORY: One last detail to add to the ending is that Luna’s brusque use of “Old English” might as well symbolize poor fiction drawing you away from something unusual, which Odrsjot is - it is simply horrible, atrocious taste to have her speak in this manner when there is no factual reason for her to do so. A bad fic takes over a good fic, but only in interpretation, as Odrsjot ends on that note.

The ending ties into the idea just as well. The sudden, unexplained glow of Rainbow’s amulet - her Element, I would assume, as it is at no other point mentioned in the story - invokes the voice of Princess Luna. She tears her away from a dreamlike journey, somewhat ironically, and into something more real, more tangible. That is where the story ends, at chapter 3 - furthering the irony, as in technicality, the “plot” would only have started there. Alas, it does not, for that is where the story ends… for good reason. It knows what it is doing. It has served its purpose - one I had detailed above. An experience, an interpretative paradise. Nothing tangible. All fleeting.

This might all sound rather suboptimal, and yes, I will admit, Odrsjot is not for all. It is for the patient, for those who enjoy deliberate play - no, ballet - of words. Not a story, an experience, as I had said. Its greatest achievement is the ability to end where necessary. Three chapters at 3680 words in total are enough - more than enough, I would argue. Any more, and it would have begun to get… rather droning, I would say. A less analytic and more cynical mind would definitely begin to worry that the fragnance of the author’s wordwork was simply the result of one night too many spend by a thesaurus. This is quite significantly not the kind of writing that should go on for any longer than that. It is an experiment, of that I am sure - to show that this style of fiction can be done, that it is possible. To continue on with it would be highly suboptimal in most cases, if my opinion is to be asked. As a matter of fact, in the default condition, it would be quite atrocious should you pardon my French. It is much like caviar. A sandwich or two are enough. Over a pound each day and you harbor a hatred unparallelled.

Pebbles rattled loudly as her flank brushed against the knifing edge of a mountainside. With a voice-cracking yelp, Rainbow kicked off the rock before her body could plunge into the errant plateau in front of her. Her heart beated swiftly like a shrew's for a minute or two, but she calmed down, curving around the jagged mountain until she evened out into a steady glide once more.
Catching her breath, she looked fitfully north, as if in search of her anchor.

EXAMPLE: The irrelevance of Dash’s near death experience is significant of the proper focus of the fan-fic, further deepening the abstract transition.

But Odrsjot ends, leaving us with something unusual, something that does not always happen. A fleeting confusion over that which would have been the “plot” in any other work of fiction, leftover turbulence from words of the English language’s deeps collapsing into one another, and a dizzy afterglow of a small bit of something special. Who knows, perhaps, this could have been extended. At the sacrifice of having more factual plot, and most definitely with some editing, as I could not help but point out a number of highly run-on sentences, some typos, and occasional repetition (quite unfortunate, since the work is small enough to have easily been edited), yes. But if worked on, and somehow keeping this blurry fascination alive… it could definitely be extended to five or six chapters, perhaps even finishing the story in a satisfying manner. Naturally, the “ye olde Englishe” Luna would have to go, but it is no big sacrifice. Alas, I can tell that Odrsjot decided, rather wisely, that it is better to be safe than sorry.

It does not outstay its welcome. It is three chapters at 3680 words in total. It is deliberately worded and paced to be this way. Better safe than sorry. It is three chapters at 3680 words in total. It is deliberately worded and paced to be this way. Better safe than sorry. It is deliberately worded and paced to be this way.

It does not outstay its welcome. Odrsjot has NO prequels or sequels. It does not outstay its welcome. It knows when to stop.

Wha?..

4281710 You review babbles as much as Austreoh did. I read half of it. Which judging by it makes me wonder how much more BORING Austreooh can be.

I'd say a bunch.