Everything Wrong With: Opposites absolutely do NOT Attract! - ReadingSins

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Aliucon

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Aliucon #1 · Aug 29th, 2014 · 7 · ·

Everything Wrong
With
"Opposites absolutely do NOT Attract!"
(by Drizzle Quill)

in 1900 words or less.

Spoilers!!

(duh)

______________________________________________________

This face. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

Twilight Sparkle had woken up at six, like she did every morning.

Not "every" morning. I remember at least one instance in Winter Wrap Up where this doesn't seem to apply. On all the following sentences, the words "usually" and "if necessary" are used, so why not here? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

She would then proceed to eat breakfast with or without Spike, depending on his mood

I guess Spike requires mood to have breakfast, not hunger. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 3

Somepony knocked.

That's racist. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

"Sorry, we're currently closed, please come back later, bye."

By this time, it's 7:15 and Twilight's morning routine is over, since she's reading. Was there any special reason the library was still closed, then? It's not required to be open from an early hour, sure, but it doesn't seem like there's any reason why it should still be "closed" except that Twilight suddenly wants to drown into a sci-fi mystery and not give attention to anyone else. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

“Twilight!” Rainbow Dash called, glancing rapidly from side to side. “Twi! Where are you? I’ve got to tell you about the coolest thing ever!”

Rainbow's "coolest thing ever" is suddenly not Rainbow herself. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

“Rainbow Dash. What’re you doing here?”

She just said why! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 7

“Shipping!”
Twilight blinked.
Rainbow Dash seemed not to notice.

That's normal. Random blinking isn't that noticeable anyway. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

The term wasn’t familiar with Twilight, nor did she know what Dash was talking about. But it had to be of some sort of importance, or else she wouldn’t have been disturbed from her peaceful reading time for such a rude interruption.

Why are you so sure? I mean, we know Rainbow Dash enjoys a prank or two, and Twilight witnessed it herself. Maybe the reason didn't need to be of importance. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

“So, what Thunderlane told me is—”
Twilight held up one hoof. “Wait a second. What does Thunderlane have to do with this?”
“Right.” Dash rolled her eyes. “Forgot to tell you. (...)

No you didn't! She's not letting you tell her right now! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

A deadpan glare followed; Rainbow Dash hurriedly continued onward before she could linger too long on the fact that she might be blasted into a million pieces.

Oh, I think Twilight's anger will be quite satisfied with just about a thousand pieces, don't worry. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

Also, this sentence as it is constructed here seems to imply that Rainbow Dash finds the prospect of being blasted scarier than the blasting itself. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

“You’re not answering my question,” Twilight continued, tapping one hoof on the ground. “What is shipping?”
“A shortened version of ‘relationship,’” Dash literally squeed. Normally Twilight Sparkle wasn’t very happy with using a word that wasn’t in the dictionary, but there was no other way to describe the noise that came out of her mouth at that moment.

Oh, actually, it is on the dictionary. Here, let me get it for you.

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 13

“That’s breaking the fun of the story, Rainbow Dash. The fun is to see what happens, who turns out with who, not to make up your own pairings!” Twilight sighed. “Tell me, who exactly do you ‘ship?’”

Twilight disregards the concept of shipping, then immediately follows it up with a question of who Rainbow ships. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

“Shipping is fun,” Dash replied, her lip curling ever so slightly; it was a face one might normally see on Rarity, but at this moment it was perfectly normal.

... Yep. Normal. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

Also, that isn't an answer. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16

“It’s fun to make up your own head-canons and—”
Something about cannons. Twilight’s head spun; she glared at Dash, resisting the urge to use her magic to render those flapping blue wings useless, but decided against it.

Twilight wants to be a d*ck to Rainbow. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

“Alright, alright.” Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Daring Do and Ahuizotl.”
Twilight’s jaw literally dropped.

Literally? Well, I expected some ungodly pain and amounts of blood then. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

Dash scratched the back of her neck nervously,

Scratching with hooves. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

“What,” she asked, voice shaking, “exactly is your reasoning behind that?”
“Well, I had just noticed that some things they say to each other, some ways they act, kinda hints at them having one of those love-hate relationships opposites have.” Rainbow Dash winked. “And everypony knows opposites attract.”

And she knows this? Rainbow is the last pony from the Mane 6 which I could envision being street smart about romance in any possible way. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

“Ahuizotl and Daring have the best love-hate relationship I’ve ever seen,” Dash continued. “You know, in the second book he does say that he’d love to have her by his side forever.”
Twilight’s lip trembled. “He was talking about killing her and keeping her body by him, Rainbow Dash. A six year old filly could figure that out!”

That's one disturbed filly. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 21

That was actually the truth; Twilight had been six when the second book in the series had been released, and the true, darker intention of the villain’s words had been clear as day even then.

... OK, Twilight officially has a f**ked up head. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 22

I don’t even want to know. No way. No more. Brain overload.”
Dash squinted. “But you’re Twilight Sparkle. You’ve read the dictionary three times in a row nonstop after reading A History of Equestria, and you were fine!

Why would you ever read the dictionary three times in a row, nonstop? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 23

Twilight had been too overly flooded with mind breaking Daring X Ahuizotl images to let it continue for any longer.

The pony who didn't know what shipping was in the beginning, and never even considered the possibility of this pairing existing has no trouble getting her capable mind flooded with Daring X Ahuizotl imagery. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 24

“Your first argument was that opposites attract. This is so incredibly wrong in so many different ways.” (...)
“I imagine most of this misconception comes from magnets.” Twilight levitated a pair out of a drawer next to her bed and opened her mouth to speak.

Well, thank Celestia that Twilight had a pair of magnets just laying around for the purposes of this explanation. This is even brought up in the fic, but gives no other reason than because "You never know when you’ll need magnets". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 25

Twilight’s following glare could only be perfected by a unicorn-turned-alicorn who had a lot of completely different friends that all somehow managed to ask stupid questions or get into stupid situations at one point or another. Luckiliy, she was a master at such an art.

This second sentence doesn't agree very well with the previous one. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 26

“The negative charge of a magnet denies the pull of another negative charge in favor of a positive charge,” the alicorn continued, scribbling a drawing on the poster and nodding at Dash to make sure she understood.

Wait, isn't the student the one supposed to nod, to show that they understand the progress of the lecture? ... Then again, I guess Twilight is a much better student than Rainbow. She must have perfected all the motions at this point. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 27

Rainbow Dash, can you think of an example of two types of ponies that might not go well together?”
Dash blinked. “A nerdy egghead and an athletic jock?”
Twilight Sparkle flushed bright red.
After randomly, temporarily excusing herself for a few minutes, (...)

This obviously had a reason to happen, as the author implies, and is therefore not random. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 28

Also, why would the absolutely non-shipping Twilight Sparkle be embarassed about that example? If she never even considered it or has no plausible moment or reason that agrees with that scenario, she shouldn't be embarassed at all. Is this implying something? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 29

the teacher returned to find her student going through the Daring Do books and doggy-earing some of the pages.
Needless to say, she was not pleased.

Oh yeah, Rainbow Dash speaking earlier sometimes made Twilight want to just, y'know, casually blow her up in a million pieces, but physically disturbing the pages of an extensive collection that Twilight seems to treasure warrants the most hideous and ghastly of reactions: unamusement. F**king unamusement. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 30

Twilight sighed and silently vowed that after this was all over, she would have a nice relaxing day in the library fixing her Daring Do books and then reading forever.

And this is how Twilight's corpse was found, several days later in her study, starved and abandoned. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 31

“If opposite ponies don’t attract – which they do – what about opposite objects? Like a vase and a pillow?”

... What!? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 32

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Maybe I’m the one taking lessons from Pinkie Pie…so, can it be my turn now?”

Not if you don't explain what the heck made you say that thing earlier! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 33

“…alright, fine. But don’t expect me to be instantly impressed.”
Rainbow Dash smirked, lifting one eyebrow. “I think you’ll be more than instantly impressed.

Rainbow Dash is all about speed, yet doesn't seem to understand that there's nothing faster than "instantly". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 34

“Daring hooked the ring around her neck and grinned, a devilish smile crossing her face.

Daring Do is the devil. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 35

Daring laughed, but her laugh was forced. “Ha. And I would love nothing more to stay. Unfortunately, my laundry is calling me, and I have to go.

Daring's laundry is her boss. Apparently we have the makings of a weird love triangle here. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 36

The next thing she knew, Rainbow Dash’s hooves were right by her eyes; she blinked repeatedly as Dash mimed setting a pair of goggles on a surprised Twilight. “There you go; got your shipping goggles on nice and tight. Now keep on reading.”

.... That's... not how shipping goggles work. Twilight clearly states through here that she doesn't understand it and doesn't want to, so there's no way to change her view-

And as she read, something happened.
The one-liners seemed to blur, becoming less of Daring’s normal action-filled phrases and more of a seductive, romantic tone. Ahuizotl seemed less like a villain, more like a suave suitor who simply happened to want to do a lot of really bad things. Less like they were arch enemies.
More like they were madly in love.

...SERIOUSLY!? I call bullsh*t on this! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 37